Monday, March 20, 2006

SPEECHES, NOT BULLETS, WILL WIN IRAQ

Study: Victory Depends on More Patriotic Addresses

(Washington) According to the results of a study conducted by the nonpartisan
Heritage Foundation any minor setbacks suffered by the US in our glorious liberation of Iraq were not the cause of poor planning or unexpected resistance, but rather the inability of the non-Republican American to grasp how vital our mission is. Always open to advice from outsiders, the White House has embraced this finding, and as always, has formulated a plan to address this oversight that will, of course, be flawlessly executed. The plan? More speeches! Not just any speeches, of course, but addresses crafted and spoken by America’s greatest orator, President Bush.




In advance of the President’s historic Monday address, White House spokesman Scott McClellan educated the hippies of the press corps as to why the President must constantly remind the American people that all is going according to plan in Iraq. “Oftentimes the progress that is being made doesn't get as much attention as the dramatic and horrific images of violence that people see on their TV screens.*” To counter this liberal bias in the media, President Bush will (as is his Constitutional right) commandeer the nation’s airwaves for government-approved broadcasts until further notice. In an unrelated event, Fox reported a 135-fold increase in its’ stock, and announced that it will soon hire another 5,000 patriotic journalists to meet the demand for fair-and-balanced news about our imminent victory over the freedom-haters.

On Sunday, the President offered a glimpse into the meat and potatoes of his planned addresses. The themes will include, ‘There is No Civil War,’ ‘Did You Not See the Purple Fingers?’ and ‘Look at this Shiny Object.’ (Ed. Note: The last of these themes is currently being developed as a fall Fox Network reality show.) While the President declined to provide specifics, he did indicate that his speeches will make prominent and exciting new use of the words freedom, America, Islamo-fascism, victory, and ‘troops.’ The last term will have the greatest emphasis, as liberals will be asked once and for all to stop hating them.

“Sure, everything’s going swell in Iraq, but this is no time to rest on our laurels,” accurately assessed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “I applaud the President taking on the thankless task of educating the hippies about our successes over there. Who knows? With that silver tongue of his, he might even convince a few to enlist. Not that we need more troops, of course.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

Ed. Note: The President’s speech can (no, make that “must’) be seen today on every channel on the dial, including the premium channels (a re-broadcast will be available during every scheduled airing of Bill Maher’s show.)

10 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

By "virile center"....you are refering to that little girls in the background?

March 20, 2006 3:26 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

girl

March 20, 2006 3:27 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Look at this Shiny Object

Damn, where's my TV? I love shiny objects! Must be the monk--divinely inspired spark of the creator--in me.

March 20, 2006 4:07 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

He means what he says and has a whole battalion of troops behind him.

March 20, 2006 11:32 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

the president never fails to boost support of the people who have to support him

March 21, 2006 2:14 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

I'm always inspired by his speeches. I also must check my inspirations.

March 21, 2006 4:09 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

america's greatest orator INDEED

March 21, 2006 6:19 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

"everything’s going swell in Iraq"

you did it again Kramer. always misquoting, have you no shame?

the actual comment was "everything is swelling in iraq".


and you call yourself a journalist.

March 21, 2006 8:45 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Dude: War is no place for little girls (which is why, of course, the Army is blissfully hippie-free.)

Kvatch: Look for "Look at this Shiny Object" this fall on Fox...hosted by Harriet Miers!

Lew: Please stop hating our troops.

Graemeanfinson: By "the people who have to support him," you, of course, mean all Americans.

Pissed Off Patricia: Sometimes, I get a tear in my eye when I hear him speak...but then I punch myself in the junk, as crying is for wusses!

Rose: The man has mastered the speech of the common folk, something you East Coast liberals just wouldn't understand.

The Good Reverend: Call me a journalist again, sir, and you and I are going to have issues!

March 21, 2006 12:25 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

It's about damn time they finally figured out the only way to win this war is to win over the hearts and minds of FOX viewers!

March 21, 2006 4:16 PM  

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