PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART DEUX

Tasty Morsels of Freedom-Loving for a Lazy Sunday

Ed Note: In this quasi-regular, semi-weekly feature, award-winning* journalist Rex Kramer updates you, the patriotic consumer, on the stories worthy of mention, but not important enough to merit their own column. In other words, the “red-headed stepchildren of news.”

US Declares “War on Pirates©”

Swashbuckling Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld this week announced the launch of “Operation Shiver Me Timbers,” designed to scuttle the rising tide of international piracy. The operation began in shocking and awesome fashion when a US Navy guided missile cruiser and guided missile destroyer guided a ship bearing the Jolly Roger to the bottom of Davey Jones’ locker. “Arg, swimming with the fishes, they be,” yo-ho-hoed Rumsfeld through teeth clenched on a short sword. The parrot perched on Rumsfeld’s broad shoulder further stated that the operation would also attack Chinese piracy of intellectual property, as well as ongoing butt-piracy activities in the showers of the nation’s prison system.

US Declares “War on Chickens©”

Competently dressed in a self-contained protective suit, Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff justifiably boasted that his effective agency has kept the insidious avian flu from penetrating our virgin shores. However, in a move made after consultation with the patriotic US Beef Council, HSA agents began the necessary task of destroying all of America’s poultry. “We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud over a local KFC,” reasonably argued Chertoff. The director, who grills a delicious steak (for which he shared his marinade recipe,) also concurred with the President’s reaffirmation of the pre-emptive strike doctrine, and commented that such a move may be necessary to keep the homeland free of freedom-hating viruses. “While we appreciate Israel and Egypt for their cooperation in the War on Terror©, they are now possible sources of infection for which the only cure might very well be a little shocking and awing. All options are on the table.”

US Declares “War on Imported Prescription Drugs©”

As drugs manufactured in the US under the patriotic watch of the FDA are of the highest quality, it has become clear that unwanted side effects reported by users of medications for sleep deprivation and Parkinson’s Disease were caused by inferior and possibly counterfeit drugs smuggled in from Canada. In addition, consumers of these “medications” report that the side effects include the unintentional violation of several deadly sins; Ambien users have experienced episodes of eating while sleeping (gluttony,) while dopamine addicts admit to engaging in unnatural sexual activities (lust) and excessive gambling (greed.) In response to the crisis, the administration created a new cabinet-level post, and nominated Rev. Pat Robertson to become the nation’s first Secretary of Church and State. Through personal spokesman Robertson, Jesus later announced that all drug users were sinners, and would be smited in due time.

* Rex Kramer’s awards include (but are not limited to) the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize eligibility list, a free order of fries from McDonald’s, and several Boy Scout merit badges.