Saturday, March 18, 2006


Opposition Demands Right to Murder Babies

(Pierre, SD) If the chiseled eyes of first-Republican Lincoln on Mt. Rushmore’s granite face could cry, they wouldn’t…because Abe was a man’s man, and crying is for wussies! Still, America’s first great uniter can’t be pleased with the way hippies have threatened to divide this great nation with a
proposed boycott of South Dakota’s vast plethora of tourist attractions. Although it has long been established that hippies will, with no shortage of free time due to their refusal to earn an honest living, protest almost anything, this most recent screeching is particularly galling. Believe it or not, the America-haters amongst us have taken offense at a heroic South Dakota law that bans once and for all the heinous crime of baby murder!

“What is wrong with these people?” incredulously asked Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) on a fact-finding mission to South Dakota’s inspiring
Corn Palace. “First, they wanted Saddam to have nuclear weapons. Then, they were all for the burning of our sacred flag. Now they support infanticide?” Frist, as a doctor, knows what “infanticide” and other medical-sounding words mean, as he is a practicing doctor. “These hippies are outside the mainstream now, they’ll be outside the mainstream on July 1st (when the law takes effect) and will outside the mainstream on Election Day 2008.”

“I want to go on record as saying that I’m against the torture of babies,” bravely testified Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) while looking very presidential at the foot of Mt. Rushmore. McCain, who was tortured as a baby, predicted that by 2008 all fifty states would adopt South Dakota’s anti-baby-killing bill as a model. “If not, the President,
whoever he is, should take the lead in bringing an end to the slaughter of innocents.”

Former New York City mayor Rudy Guiliani, who has seen firsthand the slaughter of the innocents, cruised into Sturgis on a Harley borrowed from a certain California governor to show his support for the baby-saving people of South Dakota. “After the towers fell, South Dakotans, um, South Dakotites, er, South Dakotians still came to New York to spend their over-taxed money. Some were, regrettably, raped. And yet, not one of the impregnated heroines lowered herself to murdering her baby.” Guiliani, who despite being from New York does not hate America, pledged that if he is ever the victim of rape and/or incest, he will follow South Dakota’s example.

During a brief break in keeping our nation free from terrorists who would kill our babies, America’s latest great uniter weighed in on this latest treacherous act. “There ought to be limits to freedom*,” announced friend-of-freedom President Bush. “By that I mean, you shouldn’t be free to kill babies. No, I’m definitely against that. May God continue to bless America, and especially South Dakota.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

See More Patriotic Pictures of South Dakota today at The Blue Republic!


Anonymous Dude said...

I notice a lot of bushes below the monument on Mt. Rushmore. That's a close to being on Rushmore that a Bush will ever get.

March 18, 2006 7:32 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

There goes my summer vacation plans with the kids. They were so looking forward to visiting the Corn Palace.

March 18, 2006 8:10 PM  
Anonymous LILY BRANFORD said...

Lincoln a man's man? I heard he was depressed and cried frequently, and also ate ice cream while watching Lifetime television. I dispute your characterization of Lincoln.

I too have been absent as I am SURE you noticed here at Kramerica. (besides the NSA probably could tell you)except it WAS in fact for rehab.

March 18, 2006 10:28 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Dude: Please! Slave-rapist Jefforson's visage, I have on good authority, is about to slide off the mountain! Who better to stick between the First Republican and the First Environmentalist than the Greatest Republican Environmentalist?

Lew: The House that Corn Built kicks ass, and is infinitely more popular than its' predecessor, "The Manure Mansion."

Lily: There's rehab for hippie-ism now? I think I can line up corporate sponsorship for such an endeavor!

March 18, 2006 10:42 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

i don't know if i can wait for sturgis this year. i just may have to make a the land of patriots, flats, corn (they even make deep fried cream of corn balls, I'M NOT KIDDING), ice and no trees

March 19, 2006 7:14 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rose: To be honest, I've only been to SD once, and that for only one night (on a trek to Seattle in an effort to convert the hippies there.) Although it was dark and the only native I spoke with was the hotel desk clerk, I could tell that the entire state loves America. Oh, and corn.

March 19, 2006 9:34 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

“I want to go on record as saying that I’m against the torture of babies,” bravely testified Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)

He really is a "maverick."

March 19, 2006 10:30 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Dear Mr. Kramer:

The War on Terror is too important to limit our options, as the next inhabitant of Mt. Rushmore has reminded us so often. I am personally against baby-torture. That said, all options are on the table.

March 20, 2006 12:05 PM  

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