Saturday, March 25, 2006

EVIL EMPIRE REJOINS AXIS OF EVIL

Russkies Gave Aid and Comfort to Saddam

(Washington) Due to the brilliant foreign policy carried out by the Bush administration, America was increasingly in danger of running out of enemies; that is, until an old one returned to fill the void. In an announcement yesterday at the Pentagon, US officials surprised no one who’s been paying attention by reminding patriots everywhere that
Russia still hates our freedom. Specifically, Brigadier General Anthony Cucolo, who despite his ethnic name loves America more than any Democrat, revealed that a commie spy within the ranks (possibly Russ Feingold) provided military intelligence to Saddam Hussein during the exciting run-up to Operation Enduring Ass-Kicking©. “This act of cowardice is even more disgusting than the time I caught Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno making out in the War Room,” spat General Cucolo.

Citing national security concerns, Pentagon officials wouldn’t reveal exactly how the sensitive information was passed from Bolshevik to Baathist, but did indicate that the treachery was made possible by lax security measures left over from the Clinton administration. “When you get right down to it, Bill Clinton did it,” accurately asserted the apolitical general.

Focus now turns to identifying which freedom-hating hippie betrayed their country for a few pieces of silver rubles. “Personally, I’d take a long, hard look at the few bad apples among our troops,” opined Medal of Honor recipient Bill O’Reilly. “Can
Michael Smith account for his whereabouts during this treasonous act? Does anyone know if Lynndie England was busy smoking and pointing at male genitalia when this was going down? I’m putting Fox Security on this case!”

“This could have all been avoided if we had never disbanded the
House Un-American Activities Committee,” truthfully snorted ultra-patriot Sean Hannity. Hannity, a direct descendant of American hero Joseph McCarthy, reasonably believes it’s time for the application of a nation-wide filter of freedom-loving. “If science is all it’s cracked up to be, why can’t it come up with some kind of machine that can discern who loves America and who’s a liberal?”

In a completely unrelated event, a subsidiary of America’s favorite corporation Halliburton revealed the beta version of the “Patriotism Predictor 2000,” an infallible device designed to divine the level of a voter-aged subject’s loyalty. In cooperation with the good people at Diebold, these marvels of technology will be used to screen potential voters in the coming elections, as well as prospective patriots at the nation’s military recruiter’s offices.

This announcement was hailed by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfled, who became the first subject to submit to the test (and score a perfect 100%.) “While it’s true that you go to war with the army you have and not the army you wish you had, now we can at least go to war with the army that won’t sell us out to the commies.”


15 Comments:

Anonymous abi said...

LOL. Great post. You're on top of your game today, Rex.

That's wonderful news about the Patriotism Predictor 2000. With a few modifications, they can apply it to all kinds of useful purposes.

Like the Guilt Predictor Deluxe. I hear the Beta version has filled Gitmo. Hell, we could eliminate our entire, expensive justice system and all those activist judges.

March 25, 2006 12:48 PM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

The Patriotism Predictor 2000 should immediately be deployed in the field in Iraq, in order to root out the hippie soldiers who recently responded to a poll asking why they were there. Fully 20 percent rejected the notion that they were in Iraq because Saddam Hussein engineered the 9 / 11 attack. The other 80 percent correctly identified Saddam as working hand-in-hand with Al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden. No wonder our mission to deliver freedom to the benighted aborigines of Iraq seems to be going awry with such uninformed military personnel on the ground.

Of course, I blame the unpatriotic American news media and its fuzzy-thinking America-hating reporters for misinforming the nation about president Bush's glorious freedom march on the ignorant peoples of the Middle East. No wonder our troops are confused.

March 25, 2006 1:05 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Abi: I like the way you think! Even if we can't completely eliminate the judicial branch, we can at least program the machine to strictly interpret the Constitution!

Newsguy: As a former soldier, I can tell you all our troops want is a strong leader to show them the way...the way to love America more! As for that 20%, well, the Army has always had its' share of Corporal Klingers.

March 25, 2006 3:24 PM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

Rex, As a former soldier myself, we could use a little less of Burger Kings and DVD players on military bases and more of what Arlo Guthrie describes in 'Alice's Restaurant' when he met the Army psychiatrist:

"Shrink, I wanna kill. I wanna kill! I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth! Eat dead, burnt bodies! I mean: Kill. Kill!"

And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin' "KILL! KILL!" and he started jumpin' up and down with me, and we was both jumpin' up and down, yellin', "KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!" and the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said 'You're our boy' "

Now there's the attitude we need more of.

In my opinion, brave as our troops are, they are way too mollycoddled these days complaining about needing armor for their Humvees and such. That great patriot Don Rumsfield had it right when he said, "You go with the Army you got, not the Army you want." The Army we got may not have had all the niceties like Kevlar vests and night vision goggles, but the troops need to tough it out. Quit complaining about every little thing like maybe a few little mistakes planning the war. We're doing the best we can to bring freedom and democracy to those little brown pagans.

Why, in my day, we got issued antique M-1 rifles and were glad to have them.

March 25, 2006 4:44 PM  
Anonymous Lily The Great and Powerful said...

Oh Rex, you know you downloaded the Hill-Janet video.

Have you considered playing talk radio into your wife's tummy? Like, put it on her tummy, speaker facing baby danger seeker? Start the baby out right?

March 25, 2006 10:04 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Newsguy: I hear you, brother-in-arms! Feel free to drop by the Kramerica Kompound any day...together we can tell war stories that'll scare my kids straight(er)!

Lily: Way ahead of you, hippie! While Mrs. Danger-Seeker has not yet agreed to name the boy (or girl) "Rush," the fact of the matter is that she is a women, and thus I have dominion over her.

March 25, 2006 10:10 PM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

I'm so proud of Rummy. I knew in my heart he was a true blue patriot. And now it has been proven. All hail the "Patriotism Predictor 2000"...and pass the apple sauce.

March 25, 2006 10:31 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

PT Cruiser: Apple sauce? Why not (the immensely more American) apple pie?

Your score on the Patriotism Predictor 2000 infallible loyalty test just went down a point.

March 26, 2006 12:15 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Newsguy: I hear you, brother-in-arms! Feel free to drop by the Kramerica Kompound any day...

You know Rex, Newsguy just quoted from the absolutely quintessential HIPPIE movie. I think this man may be a trifle conflicted. You may have just show up one day at your compound In a "red VW microbus...shovels and rakes and implements of destruction".

March 26, 2006 1:57 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

if my supply of stoli gets stopped i'm gonna be one pissed off semi-sane madwoman

March 26, 2006 8:09 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

I have the solution:

strap Hillary Clinton to a 40 kt warhead, aim it straight at Moscow, and if the warhead doesn't work, those luscious Moscow lesbians should keep Hillary distracted at least through the next election cycle.

March 26, 2006 11:50 AM  
Blogger Shelly said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

March 26, 2006 1:34 PM  
Blogger glenda said...

There are commies under every bed. Be sure to check before you go to sleep.

March 26, 2006 3:46 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

Yes, and I personally am looking forward to 'THE LONG COLD WAR'.

March 26, 2006 4:18 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Dude: Dammit! Confused again by those hippie mind tricks!

Rose: Why not switch over to American Vodka, also known as "water?"

Rev. Gisher: It's thinking outside the box like that that's made this country great!

Glenda: Good point, and also the real reason I had children (hey, I figure if the commies get them, I can always have more!)

Neil: Ah, yes. The new good old days!


Comment Deleted: Cutter and runner!

March 26, 2006 11:36 PM  

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