Wednesday, March 29, 2006

S. CAROLINA OKs EXECUTION OF CHILD RAPISTS

Democrats Expected to Side with Pedophile Lobby

(Columbia, SC) Emboldened by South Dakota’s new law that had banned abortion in all cases not involving illegal aliens, South Carolina’s state senate today passed a measure designed to protect the lives of children already born. The patriotic, pro-life legislative body that had in the past heroically voted to keep the Confederate “stars and bars” flying over the capitol and honor demolition derby as the state’s cultural symbol, made Jesus love them even more by approving
making child rapists eligible for the death penalty. “Criminals who rape children don’t belong on Earth*,” stated the bill’s sponsor, State Senator Jake Knotts. “Only Democrats would think otherwise.”

This is not the first time Senator Knotts has taken a brave stance on a politically delicate issue. On September 12, 2001 Knotts, then the sole Republican in entire historically-Democratic state, made national news when he characterized the attacks on the World Trade Center as “bad” and that the perpetrators should be “punished.” On the eve of the US liberation of Iraq, Knotts broke with the liberal South Carolina majority when he opined that “we should support our troops.” Recently, he advocated the radical idea that “it would be great” if people stopped burning the American flag.

“Jake Knotts, like all Republicans, in not afraid of supporting an unpopular but necessary agenda,” testified GOP national chairman Ken Mehlman. “Bold ideas, such as cutting taxes, are what our party’s all about. ‘No ideas’ are what the opposition is all about. Why, I have no doubt that they’ll also say that they’re against the raping of children, now that Senator Knotts has already bravely championed the notion.”

As if on cue, prominent Democrats rushed to announce that they too have always opposed the sexual assault of defenseless minors. “Of course crimes such as these disgust us, but the answer is not expanding the death penalty, but rather giving what the offender really needs…a big hug and, maybe, a slap on the wrist,” weakly offered Democratic Party chairman Howard “Pro-Pedophilia” Dean. “Will killing Juan Q. Rapist restore little Sally’s dignity? No, no it won’t. Sure, it’s easy to take her side of the story, but does anyone consider the feelings of Juan?”

While more liberal Supreme Courts have inexplicably rejected the Constitutionality of executing sex offenders, supporters of the bill feel confident that the more patriotic and Jesus-loving Roberts court will see fit to rightfully expand the number of crimes in which the criminal is eligible for the death penalty. Remarked legal scholar and preserver of presidential dignity Kenneth Starr, “I, for one, would make perjury regarding the receiving of oral sex from interns punishable by the electric chair. No, no, make that the iron maiden. Yeah, that’d rock!”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

6 Comments:

Blogger I'm The Devil, Who The Hell Are You? said...

Yes, send those pedophiles to me if you please! My one act of kindness to Old Father Reagan is to let him have at with them and red hot pitchfork.

March 29, 2006 9:39 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

It is about time someone stood up to child rapists. I have a huge bumpster sticker on my car that reads "I am against child rape" I let the whole world know where I stand on the issue. About time our elected reps start to.

March 30, 2006 12:14 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Satan: Hold on a sec...the Great Communicator is in hell? For what possible sin...making bad movies?

Grae: Bumper sticker? Why not the more impressive "I am against child rape" magnetic ribbon?

March 30, 2006 8:44 AM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

I have a neighbor who is a Democrat pinko commie hippie pervert. I had not suspected until now that he probably supports the rape of children. He should have gone into the priesthood.

March 30, 2006 12:04 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

i always thought don knotts was a pedophile.

March 30, 2006 3:28 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

I have a neighbor who is a Democrat pinko commie hippie pervert.

I know somebody who loves Gators. No question there's a stain on his soul. :-)

March 30, 2006 4:15 PM  

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