CLINTON TO STOP SPREADING AIDS

Ex-Prez Favors Mandatory Test for Fellow Deviants

(London) For whatever his word is worth, former President Bill Clinton today announced a multi-pronged plan for curbing the spread of the HIV virus in third-world areas such as Africa, Asia and Arkansas. As is typical with any “do-good” program proposed by liberals that caters to their shiftless unemployed base, the philanderer-in-chief’s plan would promote immorality, slash the profits of America’s most patriotic pharmaceutical companies, and cost the average taxpayer gazillions of dollars.

Clinton, his voice ravaged by the double-whammy of syphilis and oral herpes, ranting to semi-curious passersby while atop a soapbox set up at Hyde Park’s infamous Speaker’s Corner, called for mandatory HIV testing for communities with infection rates higher than 5%, a cut in cost for both HIV tests and anti-retroviral drugs, as well as sex education for children as young as a fetus. Critics contend (and rightfully so) that Clinton conveniently omitted the most logical ay to reduce, or even eliminate, the world’s AIDS cases.

“You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down,*” illuminated former Education Secretary William Bennett. “Applying that sound logic, if every homosexual in the world were to somehow vanish, I am convinced the AIDS rate would be zero.” When asked if merely aborting every homosexual baby would solve the problem, Bennett paternally explained that this scenario, while theoretically appealing, was impossible for several reasons. “First, abortion is murder, and murder is wrong. Second, as homosexuality is something learned from other homosexuals and not an inherited trait, it would be impossible to identify the deviants in utero.” Bennett did not advocate genocide (or more specifically, “mass homocide,”) but rather put forth his own humane and less costly plan to combat to gay pandemic.

“I propose that we make the homosexual more identifiable, possibly via coarse striped uniform with, oh I don’t know, a pink triangle prominently affixed.” (Note: In an unrelated event, a Heritage Foundation study recently revealed that this is the favored attire for most homosexuals.) While making the alternatively-lifestyled population stand out among normal, Jesus-loving Americans would help potential gay recruits avoid their sick treachery, Bennett admitted that it would also assist the same-sex sickos find their own kind. “Thus, we must contain them in some sort of camp where they can concentrate on their sins, as well as commit their unnatural acts on each other without risk of infecting the rest of us.”

Among potential sites for this camp is the entire African kingdom of Lesotho, where 27% of the population is HIV-positive, and which has yet to contribute anything to the War on Terror©. “Coincidentally,” remarked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, “27% of that backward nation lays down with men, while the other 73% are Jesus-fearing Christians. Thus, I have it on the highest authority that only 27% of the people will be smited.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote. No, Seriously.