Tuesday, March 28, 2006


Ex-Prez Favors Mandatory Test for Fellow Deviants

(London) For whatever his word is worth, former President Bill Clinton today announced a multi-pronged
plan for curbing the spread of the HIV virus in third-world areas such as Africa, Asia and Arkansas. As is typical with any “do-good” program proposed by liberals that caters to their shiftless unemployed base, the philanderer-in-chief’s plan would promote immorality, slash the profits of America’s most patriotic pharmaceutical companies, and cost the average taxpayer gazillions of dollars.

Clinton, his voice ravaged by the double-whammy of syphilis and oral herpes, ranting to semi-curious passersby while atop a soapbox set up at Hyde Park’s infamous Speaker’s Corner, called for mandatory HIV testing for communities with infection rates higher than 5%, a cut in cost for both HIV tests and anti-retroviral drugs, as well as sex education for children as young as a fetus. Critics contend (and rightfully so) that Clinton conveniently omitted the most logical ay to reduce, or even eliminate, the world’s AIDS cases.

You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down,*” illuminated former Education Secretary William Bennett. “Applying that sound logic, if every homosexual in the world were to somehow vanish, I am convinced the AIDS rate would be zero.” When asked if merely aborting every homosexual baby would solve the problem, Bennett paternally explained that this scenario, while theoretically appealing, was impossible for several reasons. “First, abortion is murder, and murder is wrong. Second, as homosexuality is something learned from other homosexuals and not an inherited trait, it would be impossible to identify the deviants in utero.” Bennett did not advocate genocide (or more specifically, “mass homocide,”) but rather put forth his own humane and less costly plan to combat to gay pandemic.

“I propose that we make the homosexual more identifiable, possibly via coarse striped uniform with, oh I don’t know, a pink triangle prominently affixed.” (Note: In an unrelated event, a Heritage Foundation study recently revealed that this is the favored attire for most homosexuals.) While making the alternatively-lifestyled population stand out among normal, Jesus-loving Americans would help potential gay recruits avoid their sick treachery, Bennett admitted that it would also assist the same-sex sickos find their own kind. “Thus, we must contain them in some sort of camp where they can concentrate on their sins, as well as commit their unnatural acts on each other without risk of infecting the rest of us.”

Among potential sites for this camp is the entire African kingdom of Lesotho, where 27% of the population is HIV-positive, and which has yet to contribute anything to the War on Terror©. “Coincidentally,” remarked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, “27% of that backward nation lays down with men, while the other 73% are Jesus-fearing Christians. Thus, I have it on the highest authority that only 27% of the people will be smited.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote. No, Seriously.


Anonymous Lily said...

Right, since homosexuality is the result of being dressed like a girl or the angry response to a bad man...it would be impossible to determine in utero... Unless they could somehow prove that the fetus HEARD something influential..like the WE channel, or HGTV...or Melissa Etheridge.

But then instead of abortion, reckless jezebels everywhere would be subjecting their wombs to the comedy of Ellen Degeneres to save a buck and put the costs onto big daddy government. We can't have that, Rex.

March 28, 2006 10:17 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

...remarked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, “27% of that backward nation lays down with men...

Pat should know that in Africa the AIDS problem is not really about men lying down with men. The thing is...some guy laid down with a West African chimp somewhere along the line (some bars over there can't get regular hookers) and then went home to his wife. Think of all the problems the world wouldn't have if Men could keep their Johnsons in their pants.

March 28, 2006 10:19 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

I wonder what they call camps to concentrate on their sins? I say Pat should be the first to check it out

March 29, 2006 12:43 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

please don't forget it's important we preach using condoms is WRONG. so when aids infected men lay with their women they can share the virus too!

March 29, 2006 6:22 AM  
Blogger Ron Nasty said...

I can hear the gays in their coarse striped uniforms now,"Do these stripes make me look fat?"

March 29, 2006 6:32 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

"Thus, I have it on the highest authority that only 27% of the people will be smited.”

Have you been talking to our friend Pat Robertson again, Rex?

March 29, 2006 11:58 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Groan...you neocons just love to quote that gambling addicted Bennett. Yep, he's definitely a role model for the ages.


March 29, 2006 3:29 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Do these stripes make me look fat?

Only if they're horizontal strips, RN.

March 29, 2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Sorry for the belated replies, loyal SG patriots...it was one of those days when life got in the way...

Lily: What I'm hearing from you is a call for the FCC to ban We, Oxygen and HGTV. Who could possibly be against this?

Dude: So the chimps are gay too? My God.

Grae: Unfortunately, Pat's busy establishing camps in which those who reject Jesus will concentrate.

Rose: Hallelujah, sister! As every patriot knows, every sperm is sacred...even those swimming in an HIV-rich environment!

Nasty: No doubt. I mean, have you ever met a more vain group of people? On a totally unrealted note, not one of you have asked how I'm recovering from my chin-lift!

AJ: Pat's way too busy these days, but we keep in touch through our mutual friend, Jesus.

Kathy: Last time I checked, gambling wasn't a cardinal sin (as opposed to hating America!)

Kvatch: Agreed, frog (P.S. George Mason is TOAST!) That's why I always wear slimming and corporate-freindly pinstripes.

March 29, 2006 9:16 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

(P.S. George Mason is TOAST!

Sorry, but the Almighty shall smite the Gators simply be because you, the uber-patriot, choose NOT to root for the team called the Patriots.

March 30, 2006 4:13 PM  

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