Sunday, March 26, 2006

THE JOY OF REX (PART 1 OF A SERIES)

SG’s Celebrity Reporter Opens Up Without a Court Order

Ed. Note: Spurious George’s Rex Kramer made his internationally-acclaimed name by reporting the news, not making it. However, ever since being named to the Topeka, Kansas edition of People Magazine’s list of “50 Sexiest Conservatives Alive,” we here at SG have been besieged with requests for access to the super-secretive scribe. Humble as he is patriotic, Rex refused to draw the spotlight to himself, but finally agreed to sit down for an exclusive interview on the condition that a few requests were met. Specifically, the interview room had to be set to precisely
68 degrees, Rex had to be allowed to wear his favorite “Choose Life” t-shirt from the 1985 Wham! Tour, and the interview be conducted by this generation’s second-greatest journalist, Bill O’Reilly. His demands met, Rex sat down with O’Reilly in the George W. Bush suite in New York’s Waldorf-Astoria; what follows is the transcript from the first part of this historic exchange.

O’REILLY: “Wow, Rex Kramer! How long has it been, you old dog?”

KRAMER: “Too long, Bill, too long. Last time I saw you, you were single-handedly taking out that VC machine-gun nest outside Ka-Sahn. I owe you my life, my friend. By the way, belated congratulations on that Medal of Honor.”

O’REILLY: “Thanks, Rex, but I was only doing my duty to God and country. Speaking of awards, ‘Sexiest Conservative Alive?’ How’s that going over with Mrs. Danger-Seeker?”

KRAMER: “Honestly, I think she’s finally beginning to comprehend how lucky she is to have me. I mean, we’re talking about an honor that has previously been bestowed on such heartthrobs as Bob Dole, Pat Robertson and Robert Bork, and you know the kind of female groupies that follow those virile men around. I mean…wait…I’m getting a text message from Katherine Harris.”

O’REILLY: “Wow, ‘Kinky Kathy?’ Did you see her re-built yammies on Hannity and Colms the other night? My little soldier was at attention, if you know what I-“

KRAMER: (Reading text message) “I’d give $10 million to…wow! I didn’t know Republican chicks knew how to do that!”

O’REILLY: “Rex, you brought up Judge Bork’s name. You yourself have always been a strictly-interpreting, law and order kind of guy, and also one who favors freaky beards. How’s that working out for you?”

KRAMER: “Well Bill, I do my part as a humble police detective to keep the streets safe for law-abiding Christian folks. Sure, the pay’s terrible and the hours are long, but I feel that considering all that America’s given to me, I should at least-“

O’REILLY: “Whoa, whoa, Rex, I have to cut you off there. Humble police detective?
In the days following 9/11, did you not save America from additional attacks?

KRAMER: “Bill, you know I can’t talk about that, but yes, yes I did. If it weren’t for patriots such as myself, Islamic women might still be able to cover their faces on Florida’s driver’s licenses. I don’t like to be called a hero, but if you feel the need, by all means do so.”

O’REILLY: “I do so. Speaking of being worthy of worship, you have impregnated your wife three times now, and have yet to demand that she seek an abortion. Has the Catholic Church yet seen fit to nominate you for sainthood?”

KRAMER: “Sadly, no., and as someone who once studied to be a priest, you might be able to help me with that, Bill! Seriously, I have two lovely daughters who I call exhibit A and B in the ongoing case against baby-murder (note: these are their actual names.) A third child is on the way, and unless that child’s not mine, there’s no way I’d let wife play God with her own body. Not that God would ever kill a baby, of course.”

O’REILLY: “Of course not. Rex, America wants to know; if sainthood isn’t in the cards, what are your future plans?”

KRAMER: “You mean besides continuing to love America? I haven’t ruled out a future in politics, Bill. With Tom DeLay facing inexplicable ouster, the Republican Party needs another moral icon to see it through the next 1000 years of domination. However, let’s be honest, the pay sucks in government. No, I’m holding out for that coveted spot as a political pundit for Fox News. I’ve sent my resume to Rupert, so I expect I’ll be getting that call any day now. Hopefully. Because, you know, I could really use the money.”

Look for Part 2 of this ground-breaking interview sometime in the not-to-distant future. Maybe. We’ll see.

Ed. Note: Actual facts appear in black bold.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Dude said...

You're Gators looked pretty impressive today. Not the basketball game...the actual gators. Just kidding...this has been the best tourney ever!

I didn't know Bill O'Really had actually won a "metal of Honor"...I thought it was "Poke" (i.e., "sack of sh*t")

March 27, 2006 12:57 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

#1) LOVE the 'do'
#2) that next child will indeed be ANOTHER grrrl child
#3) i really AM taking mrs danger-seeker out on the town the poor poor poor woman
#4) congrats on your win (bax ket ball)

March 27, 2006 1:53 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Isn't bill afraid you're after his job?

March 27, 2006 4:13 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

VC machine-gun nest outside Ka-Sahn. I owe you my life, my friend. By the way, belated congratulations on that Medal of Honor.”

Wow! They give out Medal's of Honor for taking out nests of venture capitalists? Isn't that sort of...um...anti-conservative?

Oh...and BTW...the greatest Cinderella story of all time, THE FREEDOM-LOVING GEORGE MASON PATRIOTS, will soon smite the lowly Gators.

March 27, 2006 4:15 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Okay kvatch, sorry kiddo, you're wrong. First of all I think they just made up the name George Mason, and secondly the Gators will kick basketball butt!

March 27, 2006 4:35 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Oh Kvatch, so now you are not only claiming George Mason is a real school but you even go so far as to say you attended this pretend school. Bless your heart. :)

I know U of F is real and I didn't even go there. Did do some fun dating there on the weekends though. Great party town.

Does George Mason have pretend party places too? :)

March 27, 2006 4:43 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

First of all I think they just made up the name George Mason

My dear Patricia, how poor your grasp of history...how sad when the Gators are brought low.

Do you not recognize George Mason, patriot, father of the Bill of Rights, delegate to the Constitutional Convention from the Old Dominion, namesake of a former UVA satellite later community college on steriods? :-)

March 27, 2006 6:46 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

OH, I thought it was the name of a new pizza chain. Maybe like all the people who eat there get to say they're from George Mason, pizza joint of learning. :)

March 27, 2006 6:56 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

George Mason, pizza joint of learning.

Actually, if you've ever seen the campus, it sort-a looks like a pizza joint of learning. :-)

March 27, 2006 7:51 PM  

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