Thursday, March 30, 2006

LOW-TECH VOTING FAILS AGAIN

Diebold, Other E-Ballot Firms Vindicated

(Palm Beach, FL) Political wonks may recall that way back in 2000, then-candidate George W Bush’s landslide victory over über-hippie Al Gore was held by voters in the liberal bastion of Palm Beach County (Florida,) who, as products of a failing public education system, couldn’t comprehend a simple paper ballot. Despite the outcome of the election being a foregone conclusion, billions of dollars in taxpayer money (most of it obtained from over-taxed corporations) was wasted in re-counting the few disputed ballots, and the conspiracy-addicted mainstream media whined incessantly and slanderously about how the election was “fixed.” If anything was fixed, it was the outdated vote tabulation systems employed throughout the country, and who fixed it? Republicans, of course, with the patriotic assistance of the party’s (and America’s) corporate partners. Diebold’s paperless (and thus environmentally-friendly) voting systems were disseminated nationwide, and as a result, elections everywhere since have been 100% accurate and without controversy.

Except, of course, in Palm Beach County. Will the hippies there ever learn?

In a Magnolia Park’s run-off election, the electronic (and thus vastly superior) voting machines performed, like the Bush administration, flawlessly. However, absentee ballots manually tabulated in another election were mistakenly added to a Magnolia Park candidate, and the actual loser was initially named the winner. In addition, several provisional ballots were misplaced, and the thousands of absentee votes cast by the 109 citizen hamlet’s military sons and daughters may have been intercepted and subsequently smoked by Al Gore.

“What a debacle! Never in my life have I seen such a violation of the sanctity of the vote,” announced Congresswoman and former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, under whom the state’s elections have always been beyond reproach. Harris, who happens to be the prohibitive favorite to unseat unpopular Senator Bill Nelson in 2006, pledged that if elected, she would champion the mandatory utilization of infallible electronic voting machines throughout the US. “As we have learned yet again in Palm Beach County, voters can not be trusted with something as important as an election. Well, at least not Democrat voters. Paper ballots? Hand-fed ballots? Is this the Middle Ages? I’m not investing $10 million of my dead daddy’s money in my campaign just so some old Jewish hag in South Florida can mistakenly vote for the inferior candidate.” Harris further stated that she became convinced that technology was the answer to all of the nation’s problem when her Diebold© Mirror Mirror On the Wall 2000 told her that not only was she the “fairest of them all,” but also that Bill Nelson is gay and, possibly, a pedophile.

5 Comments:

Blogger CTB said...

I have one of those mirrors: It says wash your hair and for pete's sake- would it kill you to wear some lipstick?


Critical product, obviously the devil spawn of corporate america with their not-so-subtle messages of inadequacy.

Today I will remain all natural on principle. You're not the boss of me.

March 31, 2006 2:15 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

wow, i have one of those mirrors too! mine says ease up a bit on the warpaint and is a tailored suit with silk underblouse going to kill you????......
(answer: YES it would)

mr kramer, danger seeker-just so you know. i am NOT allowed anywhere near palm beach by the way. so you have NO worries

March 31, 2006 6:09 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

you would think groups like the Sierra Club would back the republicans and their paperless voting machines?

Also, if Bill Nelson is gay, then he is automatically a pedophile. at least that is what my priest told me.

March 31, 2006 11:01 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Diebold© Mirror Mirror On the Wall 2000 told her that not only was she the “fairest of them all,” but also that Bill Nelson is gay and, possibly, a pedophile.

This is the same super-patriotic technology that predicted Arnold Schwarzenegger's rise from liberal-leaning Hollywood obscurity to the shining pinacle of the California governorship.

March 31, 2006 4:16 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Boot: Methinks you may have inadvertantly purchased the Diebold Nagging Mother 2000 (beta version.) Sorry, no refunds.

Rose: As Kathy Harris has taught us, war paint is something best left to the barbaric natives.

Grae: I realize that "gay pedophile" is a bit redundant, but not all SG readers have made that instant connection.

Kvatch: Like I said...infallible!

March 31, 2006 7:23 PM  

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