Tuesday, April 04, 2006

SCIENTISTS: JESUS WAS A BIG PHONY!

Miracles Questioned by Hell-Bound FSU Seminoles

(Tallahassee) Florida State University researchers, angry at God for
the University of Florida’s superiority and their inability to get a date, today lashed out at the Almighty by suggesting that Jesus did not, as the Bible proved, walk on water. According to these secular scientists, it is possible that during Our Savior’s time on Earth small portions of the Sea of Gaililee may have become frozen, and thus it is theoretically possible that He may have been buoyed by floating mini-icebergs. Explained FSU blasphemer Doron Nof in an attempt to avoid the wrath of God and subsequent eternal damnation, “We leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account*”

As expected and as was necessary, US Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson added his spiritual gravitas to the debate. “So these so-called learned folks would have us believe that Jesus Christ was, what?
Nanook of the North?” Robertson, who recently patented a machine that turns water into wine, rejected the notion that science can explain the unknowable mind of God. “What’s next? Will they claim that Lazarus was resurrected by CPR? Will they assert that He healed the sick with the use of stem cells? Will they dare claim that the star over Bethlehem was in fact the reflection off of the Hubble Telescope? I’d call for the smiting of Tallahassee, but as any Gator can attest, that armpit was smited long ago.”

The state capitol, however, is not without its’ Jesus-lovers. Chief among them is America’s second-greatest Bush brother, Florida governor Jeb, who took time from his busy schedule dedicated to making the state’s coastlines safe for the patriotic production of domestic oil to call out those who question the Savior. “While everyone knows
I’m a big FSU athletic supporter, I can not, as a Christian and an American…I know that’s redundant…stand by and let them bad-mouth He who washed away our sins.” The governor then announced that he was withholding all state funding for Florida’s most Jesus-hating university, and forwarding the earmarked money to Tom DeLay’s defense fund. “If Florida State won’t defend Jesus’ honor, the money should go to someone who will.”

Ed. Note: The efforts to bring the freedom-hating blog Agitprop back into the fold of Freedom-loving has, like the University of Florida’s basketball team, been wildly successful. However, now is not the time to let up on the pressure. We urge you, the patriotic SG reader, to post your pro-America message there daily, and assist in this blessed intervention!

19 Comments:

Blogger pissed off patricia said...

If Jesus wanted to walk on the waters of Florida today he could just step on the polluted matter and hop right on across. Thanks cruise ship assholes for tossing all you trash overboard. Thanks beach goers for leaving all your crap behind when you leave the beach.

Jeb is smarter than george, but much more dangerous.

Go Gators! You made us all proud!

April 04, 2006 9:16 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Secretary of Church and State... new post.

April 04, 2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

We urge you, the patriotic SG reader, to post your pro-America message there daily, and assist in this blessed intervention!

How much can a wayward blog take? I mean, Blogenfreude has already received about a thousand messages urging him to shave off that cheesy mustache, and don't get me started on that accent.

April 04, 2006 10:42 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

How it must concern you Mr. Kramer...that you must measure your Universities superiority over Florida State, by how many FRENCH basketball players you have.

April 04, 2006 11:58 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

those scientists and their facts, when will they learn

April 05, 2006 12:15 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

by the way (i know this isn't all about me but.....) after a few stolis I TOO can walk on water (or anything else i damn well want to

April 05, 2006 6:24 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

P.O.P: One of the brilliant side-effects of controlled global warming is that as the oceans rise, the shoreline garbage shall be washed away (as will our sins!)

Hippie Lily: So? 5 years ago we didn't have a Homeland Security post, and that seems to be going swell!

Kvatch: No one said intervention was pretty.

Dude: If you speak of Mr. Noah (and is there a more God-fearing name than that?) he is actually of Cameroon and Swedish descent...2 nations that may be partners in the War on Terror. Hard to say.

Grae: I learned all that facts I needed to know in Genesis and the Gospels (although, at times when I'm surrounded by hippies, I can relate to Job.)

Rose: With blasphemy like that, you're just begging for an intervention of your own!

April 05, 2006 7:51 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

um...i would not believe anything those damn gators did was remotely ethical. this is an obvious attempt to steal the glory from my alma mater's superb reputation as a party school. everyone in florida knows that only blue-blood rednecks and token dirt farmer's kids attend that school. florida's claim to fame? athletic scandals and a beveridge that will either kill you or make astronauts fart: TANG.

FSU's claim to fame, fine mondo babes that put out for trolls like me. survey says:

FSU FSU FSU FSU!!!

April 05, 2006 9:50 AM  
Blogger Reichsminister Karl said...

Kramer, I see they adjusted your medication! Welcome back!

April 05, 2006 10:42 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rev. Gisher: That's NATIONAL CHAMPION dirt farmer's kid, bub!

Karl: My good man, there is no medication for what I have...a terminal case of America-loving!

(And if there is a cure, I want no part of it.)

April 05, 2006 12:00 PM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

just wait till the NCAA investigates, going down Bubba!

April 05, 2006 12:01 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Agitprop's freedom hating has resulted in a new post on the 8th Circuit banning Jeebus from an Arkansas classroom. Take that Kramerica!

April 05, 2006 12:26 PM  
Anonymous Kathy said...

Christian and an American…I know that’s redundant. That's not redundant - that's an oxymoron.

April 05, 2006 1:26 PM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

They just figured out Jesus was a polar bear. Gosh, us Jews figured that BS out like 800 years ago.

Rexie-poo: You got tagged doll face and not in the Res Publica way.

April 05, 2006 2:20 PM  
Blogger phinky said...

Oh please, Florida hasn't won a national championship since Steve Spurrier left. Real Floridians don't play basketball.

FSU!!
Scalp 'em Noles!!

April 05, 2006 5:23 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

By the way, at Agitprop, you, Mr. Danger Seeker, have been accused of "having an extensive collection of pornography for 'research' purposes."

April 05, 2006 6:15 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rev. Gisher: Last time I checked, FSU was the only school in this great land that offered a "degree" in something called "circus science." Sadly, this is the highest science degree available there.

Blogenhippie: Oh, don't worry...as this is your Week of Smite, I will not miss a single post. Repent!

Kathy: We here at SG don't know the meaning of "oxymoron" (no, seriously, we don't. The term sounds vaguely hippie-ish.)

AG: Mel Gibson is not happy about that remark. As for the "tag," I swore to Rev. Gisher some time ago that I would give up memes for Lent, and I never lie to men of the cloth (even if they are Noles.) Nothing personal.

Phinky: Clearly, excessive marijuana use has clouded your short-term memory. Who won the UF-FSU game last year? AND the year before that (on the day you honored your geriatric coach, no less?) On the flip side, Florida State kicks our asses in the circus sciences. So, you know, there's that.

Blogenliberal: If a collection of autographed Ann Coulter photos is pornography, then yes, I am a collector of porno.

April 05, 2006 7:17 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Rose and I share a taste for Stoli, and I happen to recall Blogenfreude ordering it at the Heretik's six month's ago. I know my Blognefreude trivia.

April 05, 2006 9:32 PM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

Well good that Mel is not pleased. When he is not a traitor to the US, Mr. Australia and from Peekskill, New York no less, AG will call off the fight.

You so didn't give up memes. You just don't want us knowing about the Big Bird toothbrush and kids Sparkle Crest. :)

April 07, 2006 12:27 PM  

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