Monday, April 24, 2006

SG ANTI-TERROR EXCLUSIVE!

Osama Actually an Angry Black Woman!

(Orlando) After analyzing the latest
amateur-quality tape issued by marginalized al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Spurious George’s crack intelligence team has come to the undisputable conclusion that the terror ring-leader is in fact an attention-seeking, angry African-American female. “Beyond any reasonable doubt, we have proven that the world’s most wanted man, er, woman, lurks among us,” reasonably explained senior SG intelligence analyst George Tenet. “If I were still continuing my Medal of Freedom-winning career at the CIA, I’d have the threat alert set at ultra-violet right about now.”

While intelligence used to make this determination is highly classified and thus none of your damn business, experts stated off the record that “Osama’s” actions since 9/11 (The Day That Changed Everything©) have only served to reveal his/her true self. “Think about it,” implored the source, who despite what you might think, is definitely not Vice President Dick Cheney. “This person…I hesitate to call him or her ‘Osama’…blames everyone but him or herself for his or her own problems. He or she is always blaming ‘the West,’ correct? Folks, that’s just code for ‘the white man.’ And so I ask you, what segment of society blames their own ill fortune inexplicably on the white man? I’ll give you one guess.”

“Anyone who has ever watched auditions for American Idol could tell you that we’re dealing with an angry black woman,” sensibly opined another source, who referred to himself simply as “the Hammer.” According to this source, Osama, like all women of color who delusionally believe their more important than they actually are, act out irrationally when the cold nightstick of reality comes crushing down on their psyche. “Have you seen these women who Simon rejects with a smarmy comment? Pathetic! Despite evidence to the contrary, they walk away loudly professing their talent, usually accompanied by a few veiled threats. Sound familiar?”

“In this world of instant pseudo reality-TV fame, the psychotic attention-seeker, and especially the black female, will go to every length to see her face on TV…even if it is covered with a fake beard and dirty turban,” insightfully added “Lush Rimbaugh,” one of America’s most respected media voices. “Clearly what we’re dealing with here who believes that access to a cheap video camera and al Jazeera’s telephone number will make her a star. Sadly, she seems to care infinitely more about herself than she does for the country that emancipated her.”

Reached at his Crawford ranch where he is taking a well-earned vacation, President Bush refused to declare a “War on Angry Black Women©,” but stated that all options are on the table.

4 Comments:

Blogger Blogenfreude said...

This may be the most crucual bit of journalism I've read all day.

April 24, 2006 4:17 PM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

Truly remarkable. And what a relief to see that, as always, all options are on the table.

April 24, 2006 7:29 PM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

With Rex, all options always get put on the table.

April 24, 2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

mr kramer, danger-seeker i have a query

just what type of kool-aid do you drink?

(and that artist's rendering of osama looks mighty damn scary if i do say so myself - and i ain't easily skeerd)

April 25, 2006 6:00 AM  

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