McCLELLAN CUTS AND RUNS

Bush: “Scotty Couldn’t Handle the Truth”

(Washington) Over the past five years one of President Bush’s most beloved qualities has been his unquestioned loyalty to the underlings he has appointed and who serve their country without concern for their own prosperity or their own political agendas. During his glorious reign, trusted political luminaries such as Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Rice have all had their competence inexplicably questioned by the liberal mainstream media, but never by W himself. Not a day goes by when America’s Greatest President© doesn’t slap one of his subordinates on the back, be it the Secretary of the Interior or the (legal) Mexican guy who cleans the bathroom stall interiors outside the Oval Office, and drawl sincerely, “You’re doing a heckuva job!” The only thing Bush asks is loyalty in return.

Sadly, White House press secretary couldn’t even do that.

“As I said earlier this week, I’m the decider…and what I’ve decided is that Scott McClellan is a pussy,” asserted the President in reaction to the news that McClellan has cut and run from his post. Bush, who found McClellan as a feral orphan on his Crawford ranch and who raised him as his own son, expressed bitter disappointment over what many see as a betrayal bordering on treason. “The only thing I ever asked of Scotty was that he tell the American people the truth, but obviously he couldn’t handle the truth. Truth of the matter is I never trusted that pasty-faced college boy. I heard he might be gay. Maybe even Mexican. Hard to say.”

The President was not alone in his repudiation of “Mealy-Mouth McClellan.” Ari Fleischer, McClellan’s predecessor and one-time supporter of his protégé, denounced the defector on his morning radio show, Air Ari. “Scott McClellan’s not fit to carry my jockstrap, although he asked to on many occasions. It would be irresponsible to say that he asked to sniff it from time to time, but that option was on the table.” Fleischer ruled out a return to the podium, stating that he could serve America better from his current pulpit, the consulting firm he created without any assistance from any sitting member of Congress or current administration official.

McClellan’s cowardly departure has provided Washingtonians with their second-favorite pastime; rumor-mongering! Who will be the traitor’s replacement is the source of no shortage of speculation. Will it be someone super patriotic, or someone who merely loves America with every fiber of his being? While Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and in keeping with the all-male list of candidates, Ann Coulter all seem logical choices, some to think the President will continue to show his support for our troops by selecting a qualified military mouthpiece…someone how can handle the truth, of course!