Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Patriotism, Like Security, Begins at Home

(Orlando) We here at Spurious George are big fans of James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and all-around Jesus-loving patriot, but we also feel compelled to point out that we’ve been focusing on the family for almost eleven years now. Way back during the dark days of the Clinton administration, our senior correspondent Rex Kramer joined in holy matrimony with the woman of his dreams with promises of fidelity, equality, and limitless America-loving! This loving union between a man and a woman (the only kind of union, labor ones included, that gets Jesus’ nod of approval) produced its’ first offspring, a girl, during the Clinton death-watch era, and thus was infused in utero with a sense of hope for what this country could accomplish under more moral leadership. A second child, also a girl, burst into this world during President Bush’s first term, and as a result knows that America must stay the course with her moral duty to bring democracy and sweet, sweet freedom to the little brown heathen whether they want it or not. A third child was conceived during our fearless and peerless leader’s second term, and is due to make his (please oh please oh please let it be a “him”) in time for the mid-term elections. We have no doubt that when little Rex Junior reaches his 18th birthday, he will accomplish two things; lead the Florida Gators to yet another national championship, and help re-elect George W. Bush to a 7th term in office!

We provide this little family portrait not to lord over you the fact that the Danger-Seeker clan loves America more than yours does (even though, let’s face it, they do,) but rather to illustrate that true patriotism is a total family effort. Could Rex fight crime all day and educate you, the patriotically retarded, without the support of the beautiful mother of his children? Would Rex Kramer have the strength to take on the liberal mainstream media if his beloved daughters demanded such things as “attention” and “food?” Is it even conceivable that America’s Greatest Patriot© would be up to the task of blaming everything on the Democrats if his unborn child showed even the slightest genetic inclination to joining their insidious organization (see interactive poll on the left sidebar)? The answers are clearly no, no, and “I’d rather he be gay.”

So you see, it is imperative, if you are to cultivate a culture of excessive patriotism (if there even is such a thing) within your own brood, that you demand that your partner and your offspring be coerced, brainwashed and/or beaten into accepting your worldview…where we come from, we call that “good husbanding and parenting.” Trust us…it’s what Jesus wants.

Rex Kramer would like to take this time to thank his family, and especially his lovely and much-loved wife of almost eleven years, for allowing him this stress-relieving screaming wall. Rex would also like to advise those who would post comments of questionable taste on this site that his lovely and much-loved wife is a hormonally-ravaged pregnant female who will, with God as her witness, hunt you down. Trust us on this one…you don’t want that.


Blogger Kvatch said...

Rex Kramer joined in holy matrimony with the woman of his dreams with promises of fidelity, equality, and limitless America-loving!

Whoa! Hold on there a minute pardner... What's this "equality" thing? You are in a holy union sanctioned by the Almighty, are you not? Not enjoying wedded bliss in any...unnatural way, are ya Rex?

Well then, git thee to the kitchen and demand your supper! Equality? HARUMPH!

April 18, 2006 8:39 PM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

Proud to be "patriotically retarded".

April 18, 2006 8:57 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

i swear to you by YOUR jesus, as soon as your third grrrl is born, I'M COMING DOWN THERE AND TAKING MRS KRAMER, DANGER-SEEKER out on the town. do you know a good place that features male strippers?

April 19, 2006 2:21 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Yep, some times you just have to beat the love into kids. Get them on the road to fearing god via the rod.

April 19, 2006 7:47 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Now that TomKat has had their hellspawn, you'll have to shovel some more red, white, and blue bunting onto that pile, non?

April 19, 2006 8:57 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Wonder if the hellspawn of the Tomster has jumped on the couch yet?

April 19, 2006 3:30 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Wonder if the hellspawn of the Tomster has jumped on the couch yet?

When the time comes, all the therapy in the world won't be enough to "unscrewup" that kid.

April 19, 2006 3:47 PM  
Blogger Carrie Oakey said...

Hooray! I finally found another patriot on the internets! I hope you have a son too! And may he love Jesus and America as much as you and I do!(Although we don't do it together!)

April 19, 2006 9:55 PM  

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