Sunday, April 23, 2006

THE SG SUNDAY EDITORIAL

Priorities: Get Some!

Whenever I have some free time on my hands (rare,) I sometimes peruse the vast, bong water-scented ocean of hippie blogs that swallow precious bandwidth that could otherwise be used for hunting down Osama. I am, at this point in my danger-seeking career, incapable of being surprised by the hippie’s unsubstantiated mantra (i.e. “George Bush sucks,”) but I must admit my brow was raised ever-so-magnificently when I realized the sheer volume of propaganda the average America-hater spews on any given day. Some, in fact, post numerous lie-stained manifestos every day! While I suppose I should be impressed that this kind of output can be maintained despite the well-documented lethargy that is associated with chronic marijuana use, the fact is I can’t help but wonder if marijuana also affects one’s ability to establish priorities in one’s life (having never inhaled, I can only speculate.) As T.J. Hooker once told the audience of a subversive and overrated late-night variety show, “Get a life!”

Consider the recent historic events transpiring in the über-American existence of your humble hero. As I pen this patriotic post, I am still in the midst of a particularly messy homicide investigation, planning for the arrival of the next Danger-Seeking Kramer, attempting to sell the current Kramerica© compound while at the same time searching for the next headquarters site, and on top of it all, dealing with a really annoying ingrown toenail. I point this out not to illustrate how my challenges are more impressive than your own (but let’s face it, they are,) but rather to provide an example of how to prioritize one’s issues. With these engrossing issues, am I concerned about the mythical “global warming?” Do I obsess over when the bombs will start falling (hint: soon) on Tehran? Do I lose sleep thinking about such trivial matters such as abortion rights? The answers, clearly, are no, no, and why would I…I’m not a chick!

The fact of the matter is I pay my over-inflated taxes so that our benevolent federal government can worry about these insignificant issues for me, so that I might be better able to tend my own patriotic victory garden. Lest you think this is only a conservative (and thus superior) philosophy, I can assure you that it is not. Why, ever Her High Hippiness endorses the “In the Government We Trust” idea in her weekly liberal literature love-fest over at
The Blue Republic. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself!

RexHeads©, I firmly believe that if the hippie horde would only embrace their paternalistic leaders, they’d be a less miserable lot (seriously, when’s the last time you saw a liberal crack a smile?) How could they not? With the majority of their baseless gripes attended to by professional patriots, their limited energy could be used not only to address their own priorities (i.e. tie-dying, dope-smoking, and job-avoiding,) but also to…maybe, just maybe…publish an America-loving post now and then!

8 Comments:

Blogger a rose is a rose said...

and dearest mr kramer, danger-seeker, i thank the great goddess day and night YOU'RE NOT A CHICK

(and sorry about your ingrown toenail)

April 23, 2006 10:40 AM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

All ingrown-toenail crises aside, I don't need to publish an America-loving post now and then when I have you, Mr. Danger-Seeker. I can just pop on by here and get my daily dose of cuddly, fuzzy America-love any time I want. Now that's convenience.

April 23, 2006 5:22 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Oh my god, I'm a liberal and I'm smiling after reading your post. What the hell is wrong with me. I cannot get this smile off my face. Maybe it's because I'm a chick.

April 24, 2006 2:01 PM  
Blogger Nonplussed2 said...

Awfully concentrated on marijuana, aren't you? Seems there might be more to it than an innocent little plant.

Mythical global warming?

Hippie horde?

Job-avoiding?

Where do you conservatives get this crap? You think you're the only ones that work? Blanket attacks are easy -- and cowardly. So is unquestioning zombieism.

Don't rail against the dissenters, man. Figure out why we dissent and prove us wrong. Just because you throw the word "patriot" into every-other sentence doesn't make you one. All crap like this does is egg liberals on -- perhaps that's what you want. If you're so convinced that the direction this country is headed in is a good one, tell us why!

Peace, moondoggie.

April 24, 2006 4:23 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Rose: I like to think of my toenail as the nails that adhered our Lord to the cross. To wit, they both serve a greater good.

PT: I live to serve, comrade.

P.O.P: A smiling liberal?! Careful...they may take your card!

Nonplussed: Jane, you ignorant slut! Some say satire is the lowest form of comedy, but not I! No, I revel in it with all the zeal of a hippie in a mountain of Maui Wowie! (Think about it...it'll come to you.)

April 24, 2006 6:12 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

I love how pissed people are when they don't catch on right away

I am going to throw up a pro america post

April 25, 2006 2:15 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

I'm late as usual to the post...but I thought so! Neener, neener, neener!

April 27, 2006 5:04 PM  
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