POLL: AMERICANS INCREASINGLY STUPIDER

Begs Question: Are Retardation, America-Hating Connected?

(Washington) As every parent concerned about the state of public education recalls, President Bush once poised the imponderable question, “Is our children learning?*” Almost six years later, it appears that we have an answer; “not so goodly.” A CNN poll (if such things can be believed) released today revealed that only 32% of Americans now support the President unquestioningly; conversely, Department of Education officials now fear that 68% of the population is “dumber than dog shit.”

“Clearly, the secular system of education endorsed by the Clinton administration has failed us,” mourned Education Secretary Margaret Spellings. Spellings, whose teaching bona fides include an educational stint as political advisor to Bush’s first gubernatorial campaign and who helped co-author the brilliant No Child Left Behind Act, believes (and rightly so) that keeping God out of the classroom has kept intelligence out of our collective heads. “What would Jesus say about a nation that turned its’ back on its’ leader during a time of war? Far be it from me to put words in the mouth of the Lord, but I feel confident that the Baby Jesus would shed a small Holy tear over such disloyal stupidity.”

Spellings’ dead-on assessment was shared by the newly-appointed Secretary of Christian Education, the Rev. Pat Robertson. “A true Christian soldier would never abandon his commander-in-chief on the battlefield,” asserted Robertson, who has deftly merged his new duties with those he already tends to as Secretary of Church and State. “Thus, every public school in the land must be smited for their idiocy, and soon! Sure, some innocents will perish, but you must expect these things in a time of war against the pagans.” Robertson went on to cite Iraqi civilian casualties as an example of how sometimes horror is necessary in the reach for the greater good, but was also quick to point out that no Iraqi is truly innocent.

Others disagree that a sudden drop in IQ levels at the school level is the cause of President Bush’s inexplicable sliding poll numbers. “The fact is, things went so seamlessly well during the first term that people, even good, conservative Republican people, developed unrealistic expectations for the administration,” explained outgoing White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “However, that said, as there is an ongoing investigation into who leaked the President’s poll numbers, it would be irresponsible to comment further.”

Asked to address to the two-thirds of Americans who, according to the poll, couldn’t spell U-S-A without humming a Lee Greenwood song, President Bush responded by saying that he had made the mistake of taking polls too seriously in the past, but would not repeat that error again. “Fool me once…shame on…shame on you…if fooled, you can’t get fooled again!*”

* - Denotes Actual Quotes (but you knew that already)