Tuesday, April 25, 2006

POLL: AMERICANS INCREASINGLY STUPIDER


Begs Question: Are Retardation, America-Hating Connected?

(Washington) As every parent concerned about the state of public education recalls, President Bush once poised the imponderable question, “Is our children learning?*” Almost six years later, it appears that we have an answer; “not so goodly.” A CNN poll (if such things can be believed) released today revealed that
only 32% of Americans now support the President unquestioningly; conversely, Department of Education officials now fear that 68% of the population is “dumber than dog shit.”

“Clearly, the secular system of education endorsed by the Clinton administration has failed us,” mourned Education Secretary Margaret Spellings. Spellings, whose teaching bona fides include an educational stint as political advisor to Bush’s first gubernatorial campaign and who helped co-author the brilliant No Child Left Behind Act, believes (and rightly so) that keeping God out of the classroom has kept intelligence out of our collective heads. “What would Jesus say about a nation that turned its’ back on its’ leader during a time of war? Far be it from me to put words in the mouth of the Lord, but I feel confident that the Baby Jesus would shed a small Holy tear over such disloyal stupidity.”

Spellings’ dead-on assessment was shared by the newly-appointed Secretary of Christian Education, the Rev. Pat Robertson. “A true Christian soldier would never abandon his commander-in-chief on the battlefield,” asserted Robertson, who has deftly merged his new duties with those he already tends to as Secretary of Church and State. “Thus, every public school in the land must be smited for their idiocy, and soon! Sure, some innocents will perish, but you must expect these things in a time of war against the pagans.” Robertson went on to cite Iraqi civilian casualties as an example of how sometimes horror is necessary in the reach for the greater good, but was also quick to point out that no Iraqi is truly innocent.

Others disagree that a sudden drop in IQ levels at the school level is the cause of President Bush’s inexplicable sliding poll numbers. “The fact is, things went so seamlessly well during the first term that people, even good, conservative Republican people, developed unrealistic expectations for the administration,” explained outgoing White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “However, that said, as there is an ongoing investigation into who leaked the President’s poll numbers, it would be irresponsible to comment further.”

Asked to address to the two-thirds of Americans who, according to the poll, couldn’t spell U-S-A without humming a Lee Greenwood song, President Bush responded by saying that he had made the mistake of taking polls too seriously in the past, but would not repeat that error again. “Fool me once…shame on…shame on you…if fooled, you can’t get fooled again!*”

* - Denotes Actual Quotes (but you knew that already)

8 Comments:

Blogger Gun-Toting Liberal said...

“Fool me once…shame on…shame on you…if fooled, you can’t get fooled again!"

This was a STUNNINGLY intelligent quote from our President. After reading it, I switched the TV channel to FoxNews and I am now learning the Truth (with a capital "T"). I thank you so much for doing what you are doing; you are a true Patriot (that capital "P" was no mistake either, my friend).

It is only a matter of time before you are "discovered" by Neil Cavuto, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, or one of the other FEW "Patriots" we have left on our shores. Keep up the good work, and thank you again from the bottom of my heart for converting me to right wing extremism...

May God smile upon the rest of your days and may President Bush continue to walk in Christ's Shadow. Thank you again... I cannot thank you enough...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, SIR!

April 25, 2006 12:33 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

aaron spelling is the secretary of education? wow, first he produced, the mod squad (hippie cops, you must be making a spitting noise, huh?), the rookies, t j hooker (YOUR favorite show0, starsky & hutch (i love me some huggy bear), fantasy island (i once rode a bus with herve while he was performing a play at the hartford stage company) and of course honey west THEN he gets to teach our kiddies?

wow, amerika IS great ain't she?

April 25, 2006 6:07 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Wait- Aaron Spelling? Of 90210? Producer of 17 million shows?

I'm confused, I don't read so good.

Public schooling... I guess I was left behind.

April 25, 2006 9:38 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

They ain't stoopid, they has been saved by the lourd and they is evangelical christians, buy god. Jezus don't give a dang if theys can reed and right. Jezus loves them even more'in ifen they's dumb as daug shite.

April 25, 2006 1:46 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Department of Education officials now fear that 68% of the population is “dumber than dog shit.”

Perhaps we need a new program from the Bush administration:

No Adult Left Un-reedumacated

April 25, 2006 4:11 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

On an intelligence scale of one to ten, where exactly does dog shit rank? Would the president rank above or below the dog shit?

April 25, 2006 4:23 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

GTL: The fact of the matter is I've already been "discovered" by those no-talent hacks you mentioned, and trust me, they fear my star power!

Rose: I actually think our current Sec of Ed looks more like Tori Spelling...except for those freaky bug-eyes, of course.

Hippie Lily: If you received a public education prior to 2000, I suggest that you blame the Democrats. Actually, I demand it!

P.O.P: C'mon, don't be so hard on the Lord. I ask you, what man doesn't like em' dumb (and hot?)

Kvatch: That would be a worthy program...if it got W off his whole "guest worker" charade!

P.O.P: That question sounded vaguely scientific. Shame on you!

April 25, 2006 10:21 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

What about Reagan, punkass Rex?

Before 2000?? Am I twelve?

April 26, 2006 9:16 AM  

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