Monday, May 01, 2006


“Day Without Immigrants” Ignored by Most

(Brownsville, TX) Ever since Mary Jones’ husband passed away, and, as a life-long Republican went straight to heaven, she has needed some help around the yard. Luckily for her, Brownsville supports a healthy day-laborer industry whose well-compensated employees happily assist her. More importantly, as Mrs. Jones is on a fixed income, they do so at a fraction of what it would cost to hire that lazy white teenage boy across the street. “Once a week they’d send down one or two of the Mexican fellas to weed or clean the gutters or whatnot,” reminisced Jones who, like most old people, are dull as hell. “Today, though, the man on the phone said they done run out of Mexicans! Well, I suppose I’ll just have to wait ‘til tomorrow to get my windows cleaned.”

Jones’ experience was consistent with most others’ on this ho-hum “Day Without Immigrants.” While some office workers did report that their waste cans were unusually full and by all accounts it’s impossible to get one’s Jag detailed, most Americans exhibited their “can-do” spirit by muscling through this “hardship.” Commented Bob Smith, owner of Bob’s Auto Body in Tulsa. “We got a guy here, Jose, Julio, something like that. Anyway, he didn’t show up today. I think it’s Sinko Deh-Mayo, which in Spanish means “I’m too drunk to work.” This isn’t the first time, but he’s a good kid, and for what I pay him, he deserves a day off now and then.”

Some industries, however, have been affected slightly more than others. Golf courses around the nation reported that their greens are 1/8” longer today than they would have been had they been cut as scheduled. Many Mexican restaurants closed briefly while Puerto Rican replacements (who, let’s face it, look just like Mexicans) were recruited. Of course, the farming sector was the hardest hit. Gentleman farmer Tom White of Des Moines began weeding his tomato field himself this morning before coming to the conclusion that, “Aw, what the hell…it can wait until tomorrow.”

Still, some government officials are concerned that this mini-strike is sending the wrong message to the citizens who actually pay taxes, as well as to our enemies abroad. “What would happen if every American worker decided to just take a day off?” pondered Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, who, despite her foreign-sounding name, loves America. “Soon you’d have people demanding a 40 hour work week, two week’s worth of vacation, and probably even health insurance. This isn’t France, people!” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld added his concern that the image of lazy Americans (“even the illegal ones”) provided aid and comfort to the enemy. “I can assure you, Osama never takes a day off!”


Blogger Kvatch said...

Soon you’d have people demanding a 40 hour work week, two week’s worth of vacation, and probably even health insurance.

You know...I'm thinking we need a counter-protest. How about patriotic American's "work through the night for free" day...uh...night! That'll show those illegals!

May 01, 2006 9:33 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

My Frog Friend, your reversal of ideology is nothing short of a miracle! If I weren't such a manly man, I'd cry tears of pure, patriotic joy!

May 01, 2006 9:40 PM  
Blogger Carrie Oakey said...

I heard right in the middle of their protest, they all stopped to take a siesta!

May 01, 2006 10:30 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

They came here to work, then took the day off. Who says they're not assimilating?

May 01, 2006 10:30 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Mary Jones, Bob Smith? Can there be any more white sounding name? Oh...Tom White.

May 02, 2006 1:00 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

I would check into that Elaine Chao. I don't trust her.

May 02, 2006 4:15 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

My Japanese food took nearly 40 minutes to arrive last night! This is anarchy!

May 02, 2006 11:05 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

My Frog Friend, your reversal of ideology is nothing short of a miracle! If I weren't such a manly man, I'd cry tears of pure, patriotic joy!

Well how about just a manly slap on the butt...uh...back?!

And now...another homage to America. I certainly do enjoy this freedom-loving stuff. Yes indeedy, I surely do! [Owwww! What was that?]

May 02, 2006 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

Rex, was that you I saw working at Wal-Mart last night? You know, to help out with shortage.


May 02, 2006 3:03 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

I can assure you, Osama never takes a day off!

No, but Bush certainly takes his share of days off, which might explain why Osama is still thumbing his nose at us.

May 02, 2006 3:36 PM  
Blogger Callooh said...

as a Canadian immigrant and therefore to polite to be trusted ... I just want to say thank you for letting American's know about us 'shifty' immigrants - we are NOT, I repeat NOT to be trusted.

I come from a country with universal health care!, extended parental leave, drug company price control (obviously 3rd rate medications!), representive government, Hockey AND excellent beer.

Now if you excuse me, my dog team needs attention, eh?

May 02, 2006 6:18 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

“Day Without Immigrants”

Was like day without sunshine.

May 02, 2006 6:28 PM  
Blogger Siren said...

Goddammit, Dude. You're even talking like an immigrant. "was like day without sunshine". And what are you, Confucious?

Rex the fact is that we slobs just left our messes and overflowing trash cans and unkempt golf courses for the next day. THAT'LL LEARN THEM. TWICE THE WORK, HALF THE PAY. Consider that a little "verbal warning" about taking time off without authorization.

May 02, 2006 6:56 PM  
Anonymous Dude said...

"Article" not important. They just get in way. They slow down Dude.

May 04, 2006 4:18 PM  

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