Saturday, April 29, 2006

MAIL BAG O’PATRIOTISM

Rex Reads and Laughs at Your Stupid Questions

Ed. Note: As one might expect, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker) receives the vast majority of fan mail here at Spurious George’s Orlando World Headquarters. While most letters contain panties and/or pleas that he run for public office, occasionally one or two have within them a question that isn’t entirely stupid. Once his team of lackeys picks through these, he does from time to time take pause in his efforts to make the world safe for democracy and answer you, his adoring public. Luckily for you, today is such a day!

Citizen Rex,

Although I take time on my well-earned off-days to practice my hobbies of bush-clearing and pretzel-eating, I expect my heroes to be on-duty, 24/7/365. Lately, whenever I make my thrice-daily visits to your site, you seem to have some excuse for not posting. Pardon my Texan, but WTF?

You’re Still Doing a Heckuva Job,

W

Dear W,

While it is true that lately I’ve slacked a bit in my patriotism-preaching duties, rest assured that I spend every waking moment (and most sleeping moments not dedicated to thoughts of Jessica Alba eating a banana) thinking about how to make this country safer. Keep in mind, however, that of late your Hezbollah-hating hero has been pre-occupied with issues near and dear to every conservative’s heat: family (Mrs. Danger-Seeker is into the second trimester of her incubation of the third Kramer child,) capital gains (selling the Kramer Kompound, at a nice profit,) and crime-fighting (putting murderers behind bars so you don’t have to!) That said, sometimes a man just needs to kick back on his Crawford ranch and watch the world pass by.

Rex My Boy!

I’m shamed to admit it, but “thanks” to some liberal partisan prosecution, I’m writing to you today from the County Jail (can you believe they’re arresting people for so-called “prescription fraud” when Osama’s still on the loose?) Rex, you’re a cop…any chance you can pull a few strings and get me out of here? Jail is no place for rich white men with documented histories of anal cysts!

Feeling No Pain,

RL

Dear RL,

As a true Republican, I agree that the government needs to stay out of our medicine cabinets. As for that cyst problem, well, you need to keep that stuff to yourself.

Rex, You Insensitive Bastard!

I must tell you your recent “gift” of carpet shampoo and “Snap-On” brand tools were in extremely poor taste…especially because, as gifts, I had to report them to the Federal Campaign Committee and thus they are now on public record. I don’t know what rumors you’ve heard about me, but let me say for the record I have never been attracted to young, sweet, nubile, perky young women! I mean, if, hypothetically, if one were here in my Senate office as I write this, I would not be feeling her up with one hand while typing with another. As you may know, I recently re-embraced Jesus, and I know that He doesn’t approve of such things. Please inform your millions of fans, especially the hunky men, that I am 100% woman!

Heterosexually Yours,

H

Dear H,

I have been in your Senate office (vandalizing it, naturally,) and I must say I’ve never seen deeper closets in a government building! Seriously, H, you’re kidding no one. Stop the charade (before 2008.) I beg of you.

Ed. End Note: That’s all for now, folks. If you haven’t received your daily fill of Rex, why not check out more of his wisdom over at
The Blue Republic?

7 Comments:

Blogger Siren said...

Its ok, Rex. As long as there are ample government entitlements, nobody need chastise themselves for slacking off.

Here's hoping you have the decency to buy many patriotic gifts for Mrs. Danger Seeker. And please let her know the panties were BEFORE I knew what a committed man you are. I'm no Brangelina homewrecker after all.

Speaking of panties, somebody tell Scannon that he needs to wear undergarments to work.

April 29, 2006 1:28 PM  
Blogger Carrie Oakey said...

Wow! I can't believe you get letters from such esteemed (and one not so esteemed) people! You must truly be one heckuva patriot! I hope I can make it big before 2008 so i can shake hands with the greatest leader of the free world ever!

April 29, 2006 2:06 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

I hope I can make it big before 2008 so i can shake hands with the greatest leader of the free world ever!

Bill Clinton? I'm confused.

Oh right...Republicans repeal the 22nd, and Clinton is reelected in a landslide. Knew I'd forgotten something.

April 29, 2006 4:08 PM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

if i weren't such a hippie (well more of a beatnik i think) and you weren't so married, i would make you quite the proposition...........


me on top of course

April 29, 2006 6:21 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

That's just scary!

April 30, 2006 12:17 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM SPURIOUS GEORGE TO ALL REX-HEADS:

(From the Editor's Desk @ SG HQ)

Dear SG Readers,

There are some things you should know about Rex Kramer. As a Platimum Member in the NRA, an officer of the law, and a former soldier, he possesses and has mastered a multitude of firearms. This is not something you should know. What you should know is that Mrs. Danger-Seeker also has access to these weapons, and, truth be told, is a better shot than her heroic husband.

That is something you should know.

You see, while Rex is acclimated to being worshipped (albeit not in a false god kind of way, of course,) his better half has not (and will not) accepted his exalted place on the pedestal within the patriotic pantheon. Thus, any message sent, even though the intent is humorous, in which romantic undertones are contained will, more than likely, result in the sender's messy death. Your body will NOT be found (as the wife of a danger-seeking detective, she knows where to hide the bodies.)

This message does not apply to any one individual, but to all of the women and men (ESPECIALLY THE MEN) who have expressed their devotion to all things Rex in a manner that your mother would not approve.

Sincerely,

Rev. Pat Robertson
SG Senior Editor

April 30, 2006 10:11 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

i would NEVER mess with a married man! i AM after all an honorable woman PLUS i don't 'see' anyone who wears birkenstocks!

May 01, 2006 4:59 AM  

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