MAIL BAG O’PATRIOTISM

Rex Reads and Laughs at Your Stupid Questions

Ed. Note: As one might expect, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker) receives the vast majority of fan mail here at Spurious George’s Orlando World Headquarters. While most letters contain panties and/or pleas that he run for public office, occasionally one or two have within them a question that isn’t entirely stupid. Once his team of lackeys picks through these, he does from time to time take pause in his efforts to make the world safe for democracy and answer you, his adoring public. Luckily for you, today is such a day!

Citizen Rex,

Although I take time on my well-earned off-days to practice my hobbies of bush-clearing and pretzel-eating, I expect my heroes to be on-duty, 24/7/365. Lately, whenever I make my thrice-daily visits to your site, you seem to have some excuse for not posting. Pardon my Texan, but WTF?

You’re Still Doing a Heckuva Job,

W

Dear W,

While it is true that lately I’ve slacked a bit in my patriotism-preaching duties, rest assured that I spend every waking moment (and most sleeping moments not dedicated to thoughts of Jessica Alba eating a banana) thinking about how to make this country safer. Keep in mind, however, that of late your Hezbollah-hating hero has been pre-occupied with issues near and dear to every conservative’s heat: family (Mrs. Danger-Seeker is into the second trimester of her incubation of the third Kramer child,) capital gains (selling the Kramer Kompound, at a nice profit,) and crime-fighting (putting murderers behind bars so you don’t have to!) That said, sometimes a man just needs to kick back on his Crawford ranch and watch the world pass by.

Rex My Boy!

I’m shamed to admit it, but “thanks” to some liberal partisan prosecution, I’m writing to you today from the County Jail (can you believe they’re arresting people for so-called “prescription fraud” when Osama’s still on the loose?) Rex, you’re a cop…any chance you can pull a few strings and get me out of here? Jail is no place for rich white men with documented histories of anal cysts!

Feeling No Pain,

RL

Dear RL,

As a true Republican, I agree that the government needs to stay out of our medicine cabinets. As for that cyst problem, well, you need to keep that stuff to yourself.

Rex, You Insensitive Bastard!

I must tell you your recent “gift” of carpet shampoo and “Snap-On” brand tools were in extremely poor taste…especially because, as gifts, I had to report them to the Federal Campaign Committee and thus they are now on public record. I don’t know what rumors you’ve heard about me, but let me say for the record I have never been attracted to young, sweet, nubile, perky young women! I mean, if, hypothetically, if one were here in my Senate office as I write this, I would not be feeling her up with one hand while typing with another. As you may know, I recently re-embraced Jesus, and I know that He doesn’t approve of such things. Please inform your millions of fans, especially the hunky men, that I am 100% woman!

Heterosexually Yours,

H

Dear H,

I have been in your Senate office (vandalizing it, naturally,) and I must say I’ve never seen deeper closets in a government building! Seriously, H, you’re kidding no one. Stop the charade (before 2008.) I beg of you.

Ed. End Note: That’s all for now, folks. If you haven’t received your daily fill of Rex, why not check out more of his wisdom over at The Blue Republic?