Wednesday, May 03, 2006

BUY A PIECE OF AMERICAN HISTORY!

Kramerica Kompound Goes on the Free Market

(Orlando) While Brad and Jen’s old digs have caught the eye of those who follow the fascinating world of celebrity real estate transactions, another and far-more patriotic property was put up for public purchase today. Spurious George’s own infamous globe-trotting and hippie-smiting reporter Rex Kramer has, as a result of his ascending pop icon status and manly fertility, outgrown his current residence, and thus has placed his stately manor up for sale. The price of the sprawling complex, known worldwide as the “Kramerica Kompound” or the “Patriotic Peyton Place,” was not made immediately known, although experts have said that a site of such historic importance is priceless.

David H. Safavian, a former top federal procurement official and thus a man knowledgeable in the value of things, expertly predicted that bidding would be fierce for the freedom-lover’s famous fortress. “When it gets around that a solid offer for Rex’s home might include access to some of his, let’s say ‘connected’ friends, I can assure you that the sky’s the limit.” Safavian, a man who knows how to get deals done, opined that minorities seeking a larger voice in Washington would be particularly interested in making Kramer’s sale a profitable venture. “I’m telling you, Indians will pay through the nose for access to power. I’m talking about the fire water-drinking kind, not the Slurpee-selling kind, of course.”

While the Kramer estate does occupy some of Central Florida’s most valuable land, some say the real draw is Rex himself. “There’s even been a push in Tallahassee to make his home a historic site,” gushed Governor Jeb Bush, a close personal friend of Rex’s. “In fact, Congresswoman Katherine Harris herself called me today and pledged $10 million of her own money toward purchasing the property for the purpose of making it a state-sponsored shrine…and for endorsing her senatorial candidacy.” Despite the Honorable Congresswoman’s generosity and a state budget surplus measured in the billions (thanks to Republican leadership,) the state government’s bid fell far short of those submitted by others.

“I’ve had offers from the Republican National Committee, the Heritage Foundation and Halliburton that are, quite frankly, obscene,” humbly stated Kramer in describing the multitude of organizations that have tendered offer sheets. “The fact of the matter is, however, that I would much rather offer this opportunity to own a piece of American history to one of my millions of fans. I mean, who among them wouldn’t want to boast that they own the house where the whole Rex Kramer-mania began?”

For those interested (and well-heeled enough to make an offer that wouldn’t incite Rex to spit at you contemptuously,) in addition to the main house (an exact replica of the White House, only bigger and without a press briefing room,) the Kramerica Kompound offers an indoor, NRA-approved shooting range, several exploratory oil wells, a small yet ornate chapel, and acres of woods stocked with quail-hunting lawyers.

Ed. Note: Rex did indeed put his humble home on the market today. For those of you who have endured the trials of selling and buying a home at the same time, you know that the experience is akin to pulling out one’s own teeth with a pair of pliers…only more painful. Thus, if his attention to this site is less than total over the next few days (please, please, please let it just be a few days,) he apologizes in advance.

11 Comments:

Blogger Ron Nasty said...

Why don't you just add another trailer to the lot? That's what I did.

May 04, 2006 12:05 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

hey, good luck there Rex. Of course who needs luck with Jesus and the free market on your side

May 04, 2006 3:02 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

We are in the process of selling a home and I would call this another form of torture. More like doing brain surgery on myself with a dull knife.

May 04, 2006 7:23 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Ugh! You have my empathy and support, Rex. And if necessary, my witty repertoire of stashed snark snippets for TBR. You know you tape them to your fridge next to the Danger childrens' crayon renderings of Wolfowitz.

What hell for you. Moving.

Do what Kvatch does- give guest spots to unwashed hippie heads. Or emply a blog gimmick!

Have a contest that conveniently runs for the duration....with a coveted Blue Republic ReMix cd to dangle in front of your guests. Homes mix well with innuendo. ("i'd like to get in his porch" type of thing) So why not do what all men do-interject some smut via a contest about your Kompound?

May 04, 2006 9:05 AM  
Blogger Callooh said...

I'm sure you'll find life in the hippie co-operative commune much more relaxing, and slightly less dangerous.

May 04, 2006 9:37 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Hey, if you need help moving your stuff there are usually a bunch of guys down by Home Depot that will for a lot cheaper than accredited movers (expect a 10% loss rate however)

May 04, 2006 4:25 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Here in the north we hear the Florida market is really hot and houses move quickly. I wish you luck and hope you sell your house fast too.

I'm not Catholic, but when we sold a couple houses we borrowed a medal of some saint from my sister who is Catholic. You just take the medal and set in on a shelf somewhere and voila! - your house sells itself.

May 04, 2006 7:35 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Ron: I will resist the urge to disparage trailer-dwellers, as I realize that they currently constitute the majority of "my base."

Graemeanfinson: While you can never go wrong with the J-man by your side, it also helps to have a competent agent on the team as well.

POP: Self-surgery, thanks to frivolous malpractice lawsuits, have actually become a cottage industry. So much so, in fact, that I'm writing a book on the subject. I'm thinking about going with "Nissen Fundoplasty Bifurcation Colonectomy for Dummies."

Miss Elizabeth: As always, your ideas both inspire and scare the hell out of me. Indeed, it may be time to open up the SG site to such promotions, although I think I'll save those for "moving week" (I'm being optimistic, I know, but I AM a Republican!)

Calloh: Funny you should mention that. I'm thinking about going undercover in some "hippetopia" for what I'm sure will be a Pulitzer-winning expose. I'll keep you posted.

Dude: Why would I hire legitimate movers when there are literally millions of shiftless illegal immigrant mulling about aimlessly?

Kathy: It is true that the Florida market is insane. The Danger-Seeking clan has been in this current house for 7 years and in that time the value has more than doubled (and that's BEFORE the patriotism factor is brought into the equation.

May 04, 2006 9:52 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Kathy: One more thing...the SG senior editor for Catholic affairs (Mrs. Danger-Seeker) informs me that to ensure a quick sale one must bury an icon of St. Joseph upside down in either the front or back yard. Most importantly, one must remove the icon after the sale is made and display the Saint prominently in one's new home.

(Despite her snake-handling ways, I still love her.)

May 04, 2006 10:46 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

From your last comments I read about the saint being buried in the yard for good luck or whatever. The people we bought the house from that we are living in now buried the saint and didn't dig him up. He's been buried somewhere in our yard now for six yards. I have no idea how to find him and help him escape from his spider hole.

May 05, 2006 11:41 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

Without the Clinton smell, but do the computers still have their "W" keys?

May 05, 2006 12:16 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home