Thursday, May 04, 2006

IRAQI INSURGENTS SHOOT LIKE GIRLS

Military Questions Al-Zarqawi’s Manhood

(Basra) US military officials released video that at first glance appears to be clip better suited for Iraq’s favorite TV show, The Sunni-est Bloopers and Practical Jokes than it is a for a man who props himself up as a so-called “terrorist mastermind.” The video, discovered during a raid that brings the insurgency closer to its’ last throes every day,
shows Iraqi al-Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in a less-than-masculine light. “What this video has taught us,” explained new US Command spokesman Lt. General Scott McClellan, “is that al-Zarqawi is basically a fancy boy.”

Despite all his bravado, it appears that al-Zarqawi is incapable of learning a basic skill every red-blooded American boy learns by age six; how to properly fire a fully-automatic assault rifle. Much to the wannabe-warrior’s humiliation, the captured video shows the marginalized al Qaeda leader struggling with such simple tasks such as clearing a double-feed malfunction. “We showed this ineptitude to the administration’s senior weapons expert, Charles Heston,” explained McClellan. “After he laughed that classic hearty laugh of his, he commented that even a damn, dirty ape knows that an AK-47 double-feed malfunction is cleared by depressing the magazine ejection tab, pulling back smartly on the retraction slide while simultaneously holding the weapon at a 90 degree angle, re-inserting a loaded magazine and charging the weapon!”

During his exercise in incompetence, al-Zarqawi is also seen wearing the latest New Balace running shoes. While military experts stressed that this a major tactical no-no, others in more specialized fields believe his choice of footwear is indicative of the “Bad Boy of Basra’s” true sexual orientation. “My shoes are fab-u-lous!” shrieked Col. Jeff Gannon, commander of the Army’s new “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” brigade. “I mean, do you see how they bring the whole ensemble together? It’s like, Sunni chic!”

8 Comments:

Blogger Lew Scannon said...

New balance running shoes? But he's got a wooden leg!

May 04, 2006 11:07 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

On the other hand, Rex, did you ever watch your beloved president try to lock and load an English sentence?

May 05, 2006 1:53 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Lew: This is the first I've heard of this wooden leg. My kingdom for a match!

Abi: The difference is Our Fearless Leader never professed to be among the intelagencia, um, intelligensea, er, the smart folks.

May 05, 2006 8:05 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Guns, guns. All you men talk about are weapons. Can't you discuss the decorating palette for the new Kompound?


I'm thinking neutrals/ecru.

May 05, 2006 10:52 AM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

There is nothing wrong shooting like a girl.

May 05, 2006 11:15 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Did the vice president shoot anyone yet today? Remember he picked off an attorney with one clean shot. Maybe he could go over to Iraq and give some shooting lessons. And maybe he could stay there for like a really long time.

May 05, 2006 11:37 AM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

Is that an assault rifle in your trousers, or are you just happy to see me?

May 05, 2006 7:27 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

EB: I will discuss pallettes when you pry my gun from my cold, dead hands!

AG: You're reight; that was insensitive of me. What I meant to say was "shoots like an Iraqi girl!"

POP: The truth is the VP goes to Iraq every chance he gets. Sure, the stated reason is to raise morale, but everyone knows that there's a no-lawyer-limit there.

PTC: Why, it just so happens that I ALWAYS keep an assualt rifle in my pocket...sometimes two!

May 05, 2006 7:42 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home