SIMPLE MAN, SIMPLE PLEASURES

Bush Loves Fishing Only Slightly Less than America

(Crawford, TX) “A wise man, probably Jesus…hard to say…once said, ‘teach a man to fish, you know, and he’ll eat,” quoted President Bush as he cast his line impressively into the pre-dawn still of a Crawford lake. “But if you teach a man to fish, and you aren’t, you know, a commie unionist teacher who hates Jesus and believes we came from monkeys, well, then, you know, that’s great.” The President says that he does some of his best thinking (about how to keep America safe) while fishing, and that is during these times he comes up with almost all of his brilliant ideas. Thus, it came as no great surprise when Bush recently told a German journalist what the greatest moment of his presidency was.

“I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb perch in my lake*,” boasted the First Fisherman, who clearly is a man with his priorities in order. “I know that human being and fish can co-exist peacefully*. I know this, you see, because that perch told me so. Pretty smart fish, huh?”

According to inside sources, the President and the perch have been inseparable ever since. In recent weeks the know-nothing liberal media has called for a “shake-up” of the administration, but to date the fish, or “Perchy,” remains a loyal advisor to Bush. “The President has great confidence in Perchy, and believes that relieving him of his duties would only serve to give aid and comfort to the enemy,” reported new White House press secretary Tony Snow. “President Bush would never consider dismissing Perchy unless he was really, really hungry. He is, after all, a 7.5 pound fish.”

While the President’s loyalty to Perchy remains taut, others have questioned Perchy’s judgment and competence. “I have heard that invading Iraq was all Perchy’s idea,” whined Democratic leader Howard Dean, a man who has probably never fished. “I have also heard that it was Perchy who coordinated the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, allowed the UAE to purchase US ports, and ignored pre-9/11 intelligence.” Howard then screeched like an African monkey, and, not surprising, began to fling his own feces.

Administration officials, citing Patriot Act loopholes, would neither confirm nor deny Perchy’s involvement in any official government action. However, a confidential source revealed that Perchy may in fact be nominated for the vacant CIA chair position, or, failing that, the next Supreme Court opening.


* - Indicates Actual Quote. Seriously…even I couldn’t make that up.