Monday, May 08, 2006

SIMPLE MAN, SIMPLE PLEASURES

Bush Loves Fishing Only Slightly Less than America

(Crawford, TX) “A wise man, probably Jesus…hard to say…once said, ‘teach a man to fish, you know, and he’ll eat,” quoted President Bush as he cast his line impressively into the pre-dawn still of a Crawford lake. “But if you teach a man to fish, and you aren’t, you know, a commie unionist teacher who hates Jesus and believes we came from monkeys, well, then, you know, that’s great.” The President says that he does some of his best thinking (about how to keep America safe) while fishing, and that is during these times he comes up with almost all of his brilliant ideas. Thus, it came as no great surprise when
Bush recently told a German journalist what the greatest moment of his presidency was.

“I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb perch in my lake*,” boasted the First Fisherman, who clearly is a man with his priorities in order. “I know that human being and fish can co-exist peacefully*. I know this, you see, because that perch told me so. Pretty smart fish, huh?”

According to inside sources, the President and the perch have been inseparable ever since. In recent weeks the know-nothing liberal media has called for a “shake-up” of the administration, but to date the fish, or “Perchy,” remains a loyal advisor to Bush. “The President has great confidence in Perchy, and believes that relieving him of his duties would only serve to give aid and comfort to the enemy,” reported new White House press secretary Tony Snow. “President Bush would never consider dismissing Perchy unless he was really, really hungry. He is, after all, a 7.5 pound fish.”

While the President’s loyalty to Perchy remains taut, others have questioned Perchy’s judgment and competence. “I have heard that invading Iraq was all Perchy’s idea,” whined Democratic leader Howard Dean, a man who has probably never fished. “I have also heard that it was Perchy who coordinated the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, allowed the UAE to purchase US ports, and ignored pre-9/11 intelligence.” Howard then screeched like an African monkey, and, not surprising, began to fling his own feces.

Administration officials, citing Patriot Act loopholes, would neither confirm nor deny Perchy’s involvement in any official government action. However, a confidential source revealed that Perchy may in fact be nominated for the vacant CIA chair position, or, failing that, the next Supreme Court opening.


* - Indicates Actual Quote. Seriously…even I couldn’t make that up.

19 Comments:

Blogger pissed off patricia said...

I guess that Perchy is a hellava fish.

Wonder if Hemingway were alive today would he write a story about The Old Idiot and the Lake?

May 08, 2006 7:06 PM  
Blogger Ron Nasty said...

He probably weighed it on his triple beam scale.

May 08, 2006 10:19 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

We didn't hear about this til now because he went fishing with Harrt Whittington and got a hook stuck in Harry's face.

May 08, 2006 10:19 PM  
Blogger Jet said...

Perchy and Preachy, best of fins!

Great post.

May 08, 2006 10:22 PM  
Blogger Gun-Toting Liberal said...

Heh... yannow I love ya man ;-)

May 08, 2006 10:41 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

LOL!...Began to fling his own feces... that is so ewww!

May 08, 2006 11:43 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

I think our president might be retarded.


he bonds with autistic basketball stars and fish. nothing wrong with that........if you're retarded

May 09, 2006 12:24 AM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

Those who question our Great Leader's choice of Great Moments of His Own Presidency are no doubt sympathizers of Al Qaeda and quite possibly even nascent terrorists.

Lincoln had his Gettysburg Address. Teddy Roosevelt had his charge up San Juan Hill and creation of the National Parks. Franklin D. Roosevelt had victory in WWII. Ronald Reagan had an airport named after him. Clinton had Monica. And our Great Leader has a fish.

Let us not deny him the choice of his own Presidential Great Moment. A fish. The freedom to fish. To do otherwise will mean the terrorists have won.

May 09, 2006 1:34 AM  
Blogger rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

bring Bush on up here to fish in Lake Ontario. make sure he eats what he catches.

May 09, 2006 8:29 AM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

Don't be silly, Rev. He'll be too busy kissing Harper's tuckus and getting oil contracts.

May 09, 2006 9:13 AM  
Blogger mikevotes said...

Hey, you're funny, I'm not. I kept trying to write it, but I couldn't get it out. So, if you want an idea, what did the Iranian president's letter say?

Nigerian prince looking to park money? land scheme? mash note? A junior high "i don't know why you hate me" note?

It just seems ripe for a sharp mind.

Mike

May 09, 2006 2:33 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Ripe as it is, my mind is not sharp enough for plucking.

Shocked he didn't blow up perchy with his frog pets.

May 09, 2006 2:59 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Bet bush didn't know that perch are considered hippie liberal fish and they come from the best, most liberal elite schools.

May 09, 2006 3:12 PM  
Anonymous gordo said...

To say that landing a 7.5 pound fish is your greatest triumph as president is pathetic. But it gets worse: turns out, Bush lied about catching a 7.5 pound perch.

Imagine having to lie to come up with a personal triumph that's so trivial.

May 09, 2006 8:40 PM  
Blogger Renegade Eye said...

I found this blog surfing.

Daily Kos reported that the fish story was a fishy story.

May 10, 2006 2:50 AM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

A stocked lake and 10 secret service agents ready to hand him their fishing poles ... he had to get something sooner or later.

May 10, 2006 3:39 PM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

Gordo, this is GWB we ARE talking about afterall. A man with the lowest possible rating who didn't even win the 2000 election.

May 10, 2006 4:20 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

POP: I'm pretty sure if Papa were alive today, he'd punch you right in the mouth for making such a statement (he wasn't above hitting women, you see.)

Nasty: Weighing if for wussy-scientists!

Lew: The local Fish and Game authority ruled that an accident. End of story.

Jet: There is no greater love than that of a man and his fish.

GTL: That sounds a little Brokeback Mountain fishing-esque.

G-Man: So are you saying the retarded can't become President? Way to dash the hopes of the short-bus set!

Newsguy: I hearby nominate you to narrate the inevitable A&E "W: Portrait of a Great American Angler" documentary.

Rev. BBG: Eat Canadian fish? You would have the President catch mad cow disease?

AG: Oil contracts? That's so last war!

Mike: Thank God our Fearless Leader is an endless font for the creatively patriotic mind. His acts of heroism are so plentiful, I never lack for inspiration.

Ms. Branford: As we all know, frogs hate blowing things up...unless they can surrender immediately afterward.

POP: Is this true? Damn. I'm pretty sure he meant "Big mouthed Bass."

Gordo: Lie? I suppose then you'd say I was lying when I told friends I was thisclose to being the greatest center fielder in this history of the New York Yankees (damn trick knee!)

Renegade: Welcome to the Home of Patriotism...or as I like to call it, "The Anti-Kos."

Blogenhippie: The man has precious little time to relax, so help is a must. Would you rather he be fishing when Osama strikes next?

AG: Didn't win the election? If that's the case, 9/11 was Al Gore's fault!

May 10, 2006 8:07 PM  
Blogger Callooh said...

didn't this have something to do with the "No Perch Left Behind" bill?

or was it the "No behinds left unperched"?

or "absolutely children could learn from cold blooded aquatic vertabrae and we should use this as a basis for our educational system - I mean hell, look what's it's done for me!" ... I could be getting warm here, or at least close to fecal flinging...

May 10, 2006 10:34 PM  

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