Thursday, May 11, 2006

SENATE BANS INTER-BEAR MARRIAGE

Evidence of Mongrelization Found, Rightfully Killed

(Edmonton, BC) As many in the right-thinking world predicted, the legalization of same-sex marriages in less Jesus-loving cities, states and nations has contaminated the natural world. 2nd Amendment big-game American hunters who paid good, hard-earned and over-taxed dollars to hunt and kill an actual endangered polar bear
recently discovered that what they thought was a pure white bear was in fact some kind of half-breed. “Dick, with his keen eye, was the first to notice the abomination,” disgusted outdoorsman Harry Whittington recalled from his Texas hospital bed (recovering from injuries unrelated to the bear hunt.) He said, ‘Harry, I believe I just shot me a mulatto!”

DNA tests conducted on the animal later determined that the “wannabe-white” bear was in fact a Polar-Grizzly hybrid. While offspring of such unholy unions may be acceptable in “I’m OK, You’re OK, eh” Canada, upon his return to the morally-superior US “Dead Eye Dick,” who when not tracking down man-eating beasts and quails acts as President of the Senate, supported a bill in that august body that would ban such unspeakable monstrosities. “We must protect the sanctity of the white bear from the evil, inferior influence of the brown bear,” logically argued the bill’s champion. “Keeping the races of bears separate, but equal, is good for America.”

While many details of the bill have yet to be hammered out, proponents say some aspects are non-negotiable. Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) has vowed that if ever his state establishes a zoo, Grizzlies and Polars will physically separated at all times. “According the Scripture, it is natural to flock with one’s own kind. Noah knew to pair up males and females of the same species; who are we to argue with a 400 year-old man who talked with God?” Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) stated that in the event of another Hurricane Katrina-like event, Grizzlies would remain in the path of the storm while Polar Bears are relocated elsewhere. “Every 700 Club documentary I’ve seen about bears has shown that brown bears love the water, while Polar Bears do not. You can’t argue with that!” Finally, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) expressed his firm belief that the two species should be kept apart because, “I just don’t like black people.”

As for the remains of the unholy hybrid, Dick and Harry have made plans to have the carcass stuffed and placed on display as a warning to those who would endorse such “playing God.” Rebuked Whittington through his respirator, “Keep to your own kind, America!”

7 Comments:

Blogger Mary said...

"I just don't like black people"; I can't wait for the day til our legislature starts to be super honest like that(here's hoping that might actually get shot down if it were to go to an honestly vote)...have you ever watched some of the foreign courts and parliaments, they get in fist fights and stuff....that WOULD be really cool!!!I can't remember what country it was though...

May 12, 2006 12:59 AM  
Blogger sumo said...

The polar bears are super cute.

May 12, 2006 3:54 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

I support the right to arm bears!
And, give them bullets too.

May 12, 2006 5:12 AM  
Blogger Darius said...

All of these social and moral issues that our increasingly Christian congress bring to the table are terribly important to non deluded human beings. Thanks for pointing out another one.

Btw, heard an interview on NPR. The book, "The Kingdom Coming" has truly scary sounding stuff in it. Michelle Goldberg, I think, is the author's name.

If you just glance at my blog you might think - that's weird - isn't this guy a Christian?

I'm actually a Christian subversive. That might have meant a real Christian, if institutionalized Christianity had ever gotten it right. If Jesus ever did come back, you just know the "Christian Nationalists," as Goldberg calls them, wouldn't recognize him and would just re-crucify him...

May 12, 2006 11:17 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

it is quite clear they are a threat to the American way. The hate us for our freedom, and our seemingly endless supply of honey

May 12, 2006 1:26 PM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

Mary, I am still waiting for the day when someone with the stature of like the late Coretta Scott King will call out this fat Republican white boys by saying, "If Martin had lived to see this day, not only would you NOT be quoting him as quickly as you do, you'd be getting your ass pounded by his gansta posse. Now STFU, honkey!"

Oh dream of dreams...

May 12, 2006 2:40 PM  
Blogger Callooh said...

bloody 'mericans and their big stupid guns.

at least we got $50,000 out of the idiot.

ps Edmonton is in Alberta not in British Columbia

(don't mind me, I'm in a grizzly bear kinda mood)

May 12, 2006 2:53 PM  

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