Wednesday, June 21, 2006

America Rocks, Man!

There are so many ways that America kicks ass that I hardly know where to begin!

(Fortunately, I was able to quickly eliminate infant mortality rates, life expectancy, health, education, technological innovation, trade, exports,and a variety of other things.Always helps to narrow the field in the wealthiest of all super powers)

Still, we kick ass! Didn't you hear the Iraqis begging to be like us?

Its a tough subject because, well, we simply kick TOO MUCH ass. But after long and careful thought, it seems that an area where we surpass most everyone on the planet is consumption. So I am here to express my pride at the fact that America uses 25% of the resources of the entire world. Hands down, we win! (crowd cheering) Who knew the enemy was not Communism or terrorism, but Planetarism.

It is not an easy accomplishment, you know. The speed with which we erected these suburbs and shopping malls took a true commitment to the ideals of the American Dream: the ability to own a half acre plot, kill everything, plant displaced shrubs around the perimeter of this monolithic vinyl box of 2.5 bathrooms we love to call home.

Where else but America can you buy dinner through a drive through, but in the sad event that you DO have to get out of a car, there are five spots in America for every registered motor vehicle to make sure that your odds are greatly in favor of walking the shortest distance possible?

Where else but America can you buy muffins for a bake sale being held by a PTA to buy textbooks for children in a school where the Superintendent is paid nine times the salary of a teacher? But there aren't enough books to go around and kids must share them?

Where else but America can people pay as much for their car as 3/4 of their annual salary and think that this is a wise purchase? Where else can a person making minimum wage buy a $400 Coach bag and think this is a good idea?

Where else but America does it cost more to operate the system of tax collection (IRS) than the actual taxes collected for twenty counties worth of people?

YOU must keep the American way going! Go drive somewhere today and get off the computer. Dammit, go to WalMart. Stop being unappreciative whining liberals and go spend money!
There are many things that make America unique, and there are things that EVERY ONE OF YOU CAN DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Are you hippies doing your damn parts? Are you shopping enough, redecorating enough? Eating enough?

Throwing enough away? Changing your mind enough? Hating your clothing enough? Your bodies enough? Your children enough? Are you avoiding them enough? Do you have enough television? ARE YOU SURE?

If not, you just might not be American enough. Go kick someone's ass!


Anonymous Dude said...

EB you are sooooo right! What is wrong with me? I'm always complaining about this great land of ours, when in fact what I should be doing is buying some TVs for my three bathrooms. And my SUV could use a new set of off-road tires (they wear out fast on the city streets). I've seen the light now. America kicks ass...and so do you Ms. Branford!!!

June 21, 2006 10:24 AM  
Blogger glenda said...

You are so right.e.o.u.s.!!

Check you later as Chockchick-O'Fillet is wating and the chicken is hot. Then to Wallyworld. I have seen the light and it has set me free.

June 21, 2006 10:36 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Elizabeth, I'm choked up from all that patriotism.

Where else but America can you buy dinner through a drive through,

Drive through dinner? So true! But what about drive through booze? Where else in the world can you drive in to barn (the Party Barn to be precise) pop the trunk, have 'em fill it with beer, and then drive out.

Is this a great country or what?!

June 21, 2006 11:23 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

Okay, I've only heard about these places, but I have it on good authority that they DO exist - there are buildings where you can go in and a half naked woman will "dance" for your LAP! And this will only cost you about $10. Furthermore...for a buck they will stick their hooters in your face. I know it seems to good to be true...but this is America so I believe it's possible.

June 21, 2006 6:46 PM  
Blogger Callooh said...


I so wanted to do everything right when we moved here.

so let me get this straight I need to

- stop shopping on the hunger site and goodwill and shop at walmart?
- no more organic market - processed convience food?
- get rid of my 10year old van, and get a SUV we can't afford?
- get cable for the TV, and watch it?
- stop using my budhist book bag as a purse and buy something trendy and expensive?
- no more tie dye?
- buy buy buy things for my kids?
- eat fast food? through drive thrus?
- honk my horn while driving?
- stop riding my bike to the store?

this could be an adjustment.... do I have to start eating meat too?

okay okay, for the american way I will try a fast food burger....
WITH fries
AND a coke!
go me.

June 21, 2006 8:08 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Oh yes, as much meat as possible! Damn that rainforest! Its the McAmazon now!

June 21, 2006 11:24 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

Right On. Consumption is totally American. We kick ass

June 22, 2006 12:33 AM  
Blogger podvizhnik said...

Now you are talking my middle name: Podvizh-KickAss-Nik! I guess I kicked so much ass over at Lose The Noose that they banned me! Hooah! But you know, we've got a $12 trillion, that is twelve thousand billion GNP to keep up, and a $2.8 trillion Federal budget to pay for, not to mention all the dam' States, that's probably like another trillion or so there. So get those credit cards hot, people! What, you say they're all maxed out? Not a problem--here, have some more! Why, we've turned consumption itself into a consumable commodity! So there's some "negation of the negation" for you, Mr Friedrich Candy-Ass Engels!

June 22, 2006 2:54 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Wait- you most certainly did kick ass at Lose The Noose but you are not banned.

Nobody has been banned. Even the worst offenders which of course you are not one.

You're pretty funny, I have to say. Engels! Candy ass!

June 22, 2006 11:25 AM  
Blogger podvizhnik said...

To EB: Well, all the other 'blogs work, but for some reason LtN won't come up as anything but a black screen, so I assumed I had been declared a mamzer and given the boot. What to do ... maybe I'll try invoking St Isidore of Seville.

To callooh: 1. You can buy healthy organic stuff as long as you keep buying. Just don't dare start growing your own.
2. Gasp! You don't have cable? Communism! Only I have a license to get away with that--me, that is, and everyone in North Korea (except, of course, Dear Leader, so he can vigilantly monitor capitalist evils). That must be fixed immediately. Of course you will keep it on the Home Shopping Network, and avoid all the subversive stuff like PBS and CNN. CBS is OK now that Comrade Rather's gone. 3. You will want to honk your horn with discretion. We don't want some schmoch going into road rage and harming you and your precious little consumers.

June 22, 2006 12:04 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

This is one kickass post, Lily.

June 22, 2006 4:45 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

Yeah...kick ass! Very thought know that's what you were doing...kicking ass while kicking ass!

June 22, 2006 8:11 PM  

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