Thursday, June 15, 2006


Don’t Laugh: Turd Blossom “the Perfect Candidate”

(Salem, NH) While officially just enjoying a much-deserved vacation, Karl Rove’s appearance in the state that traditionally holds the nation’s first presidential primary has only fueled rumors that the mastermind behind so many successful campaigns will himself seek the highest office in 2008. Loyal to a fault, the cuddly bear of a man known as “Turd Blossom” to
his legions of fans has thus far to make any announcement that would steal any thunder from his boss; however, taking a break from his prayer retreat Rove addressed a gathering of local John Birch Society members and engaged in the type of rhetoric that has served GOP candidates well in the past.

“They may be with you for the first few bullets but they won't be there for the last tough battles*," Rove said of infamous cutters-and-runners Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) and Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) and their “I was for the war before I was against it” flip-flop on the Iraqi War.” The accusation was classic Rove: while technically questioning the liberals’ commitment to bringing freedom to the Middle East, Kerry and Murtha’s service records were also challenged. Such tactics, effective as they have been in recent elections, clearly mark “the Architect” as a political comer.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself; by that I mean ol’ Turd Blossom speaked it right,” articulately summarized Rove’s good friend and possible predecessor, President Bush. The President cited Rove’s willingness to do anything (“and I mean anything”) to win as a sure sign of future political prosperity. “If you ask me, and he does, Karl is the perfect candidate.”

Rove’s attack on others’ military histories was even more impressive given
his own lack of service. For example, while John Kerry was “earning” the Purple Hearts he would later toss treasonously onto the White House lawn, Rove was supporting the troops by remaining stateside and spearheading the campaigns of pro-America Republican candidates. “Let me tell you something: it took balls to avoid Vietnam service in 1968. You have to remember, back then it was a very popular war,” reminisced Vice President Cheney, who also heroically refused the “popular thing” and make himself available for the draft. “It takes even larger balls I question, no matter how legitimately, the service records of those who caved into peer pressure and went over there. The man who’s willing to do that is a man I’d follow anywhere…or maybe even serve as Vice President.”

* - Actual Quote


Blogger dusty said...

Rover for Prez..thanks for the nightmare..I will have to medicate now to sleep.

June 16, 2006 1:04 AM  
Anonymous gordo said...

Now HERE'S an idea I can get behind! I couldn't believe the number of so-called patriots who wanted Condi Rice to run. What, she's going to get a sex change operation?

Like you say, Rove has the pigmentation, and the testicular fortitude, for the presidency. I haven't been this excited about a candidate since Pat Robertson.

June 16, 2006 1:37 AM  
Blogger ThePoetryMan said...

Karl is so presidential. he's got the near indictment down, the lie, the chuckle, the vacant eyes, the base...Hell! Only thing missing is a vice president. Coulter?

June 16, 2006 1:53 PM  
Blogger betmo said...

you left out arrogance and ignorance as the other presidential qualities. i think being dumber than a bag of hammers is a prerequisite- at least from the right leaning contenders.

June 16, 2006 8:44 PM  
Blogger Callooh said...

"turd blossum" - I absolutely must work that into a poem ...

he seems the perfect man for the job.

June 16, 2006 9:57 PM  
Blogger WeezieLou said...

Why, Rex, you sound positively...liberal! wouldn't have thought so from your TBR posts. karl rove and osama bin laden were separated at birth.

June 17, 2006 7:51 AM  

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