BORDER DEFENSE OUT-SOURCED TO INDIA
Indian Army’s “Rat Brigade” Effective and Cost-Friendly
(Calcutta) In a progressive move no Democrat would have ever considered, the Defense Department today announced that the US Border Patrol and Army Reserves and Guardsman currently keeping the US safe from the Mexican horde would soon be reinforced by the Indian Army’s infamous Rat Brigade. This specialized unit is currently deployed in the northeast part of India, where they are wrapping up combat operations against a massive incursion of rodents intent on destroying the Indian high standard of living. “They are filthy vermin, unworthy of life,” spat military spokesman Lieutenant Colonel Santanu Dev Goswami. “They cross uninvited into our territory, reproduce at an ungodly rate, and deprive our local form workers of their livelihood. Truly, there is no lower creature on the face of the Earth.”
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld begged to disagree with the Indian Army’s official, but stated his belief that their skills are more than applicable for the defense of the Rio Grande. “It’s no great secret that we have our own little pest problem,” understated the Pentagon chief. “These people are the best at what they do, and even better, they work cheap.” Rumsfeld assertion was backed up by the wording of an emergency defense spending bill now before the House, in which the 10,000-man brigade is expected to cost taxpayers approximately 18 gazillion rupees, or $1.25, per day.
The benefits of such a bargain were not lost of new Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. “As a former CEO of a wealth-management group, I know better than most the upside of cheap foreign labor,” boasted the former Goldman-Sachs chief. “The fact is they can provide the same level of quality as the lazy, unionized American worker for pennies on the dollar. Anyone who has ever shopped at Wal-Mart can tell you that.” Paulson quickly added that he himself had never shopped at Wal-Mart, but he was fairly certain that many of his Mexican maids did.
The outsourcing also found an unlikely ally in Jim Gilchrist of the Minuteman Project, who stated that he supports any measure that helps keep the little brown menace at bay. “I have no qualm with the Indians. As long as they come in, do their jobs, and go back to where they came from, they’ll be my best non-white friends.” Gilchrist added that it weren’t for the fact that the Indians worship cows and reject Jesus Christ, they’d be “almost as good as Americans.”
As for the Rat Brigade’s mission, they are expected to take on a more pre-emptive role than other forces arrayed across the border. The unit’s soldiers, all of whom have been re-named “Kevin” to make them seem more Anglo-friendly, will deploy traditional tools of their trade to hunt for the pesky intruders, as well as more contemporary “natural enemies” of their targets. “We have found that both anti-personnel mines and air-to-ground missiles do quite nicely,” avowed Lt. Kevin of the Rat Brigade. “Our motto is, ‘kill them all and let Kali sort them out.”
(Calcutta) In a progressive move no Democrat would have ever considered, the Defense Department today announced that the US Border Patrol and Army Reserves and Guardsman currently keeping the US safe from the Mexican horde would soon be reinforced by the Indian Army’s infamous Rat Brigade. This specialized unit is currently deployed in the northeast part of India, where they are wrapping up combat operations against a massive incursion of rodents intent on destroying the Indian high standard of living. “They are filthy vermin, unworthy of life,” spat military spokesman Lieutenant Colonel Santanu Dev Goswami. “They cross uninvited into our territory, reproduce at an ungodly rate, and deprive our local form workers of their livelihood. Truly, there is no lower creature on the face of the Earth.”
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld begged to disagree with the Indian Army’s official, but stated his belief that their skills are more than applicable for the defense of the Rio Grande. “It’s no great secret that we have our own little pest problem,” understated the Pentagon chief. “These people are the best at what they do, and even better, they work cheap.” Rumsfeld assertion was backed up by the wording of an emergency defense spending bill now before the House, in which the 10,000-man brigade is expected to cost taxpayers approximately 18 gazillion rupees, or $1.25, per day.
The benefits of such a bargain were not lost of new Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. “As a former CEO of a wealth-management group, I know better than most the upside of cheap foreign labor,” boasted the former Goldman-Sachs chief. “The fact is they can provide the same level of quality as the lazy, unionized American worker for pennies on the dollar. Anyone who has ever shopped at Wal-Mart can tell you that.” Paulson quickly added that he himself had never shopped at Wal-Mart, but he was fairly certain that many of his Mexican maids did.
The outsourcing also found an unlikely ally in Jim Gilchrist of the Minuteman Project, who stated that he supports any measure that helps keep the little brown menace at bay. “I have no qualm with the Indians. As long as they come in, do their jobs, and go back to where they came from, they’ll be my best non-white friends.” Gilchrist added that it weren’t for the fact that the Indians worship cows and reject Jesus Christ, they’d be “almost as good as Americans.”
As for the Rat Brigade’s mission, they are expected to take on a more pre-emptive role than other forces arrayed across the border. The unit’s soldiers, all of whom have been re-named “Kevin” to make them seem more Anglo-friendly, will deploy traditional tools of their trade to hunt for the pesky intruders, as well as more contemporary “natural enemies” of their targets. “We have found that both anti-personnel mines and air-to-ground missiles do quite nicely,” avowed Lt. Kevin of the Rat Brigade. “Our motto is, ‘kill them all and let Kali sort them out.”
posted by Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker at Tuesday, June 06, 2006
10 Comments:
What if they're gay, do they kill them twice?
"Kill" is such an ugly word, POP, and quite frankly, one that no self-respecting necon uses these days. No, now we "eradicate the forces arrayed against freedom."
this is a fantastic idea. i am not sure why someone didn't think of it sooner. although, rummy has been a bit distracted lately- what with all of the bad liberal press.
Simply brilliant. This is another prime example of why you are America's numero uno American.
BTW, I hear Norman Lear has a new show coming out in the fall - "All in the Kramer Family." That hot chick Katherine Harris is going to play your wife. Lucky you...
I disagree with all this hullabaloo.
Eat Your Jesus Blog had a eco-friendly solution: soylent brown.
Betmo: This administration has always been about big ideas that, sadly, get screwed up in practice by holdovers from the Clinton era.
Abi: While the whole Kramer clan are big fans of Congresswoman Harris, it should be pointed out that she's roughly twice the age of Mrs. Danger-Seeker.
EB: Funny, that was Charlie Heston's idea as well.
I envision very large mousetraps, with Selena CDs as the bait...
what a perfect idea. Put a sombrero on them and they can go undercover. they could wave the illegal over. as soon the illegal gets into the US we can throw a net over them. it will be just like fishing! awesome
And to think that this all could have been avoided if that pansy James Polk had finished the job back in 1847.
Lew: I agree, and who better to build a better (and cheaper) mousetrap than the Indians?
Graeme: Excellent idea, but where to find a net big enough for the job? I know! Let's call the good people at Halliburton Net Solutions!
Gordo: Don't even talk to me about Polk...to think some call Bush the worst President ever!
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