Sunday, May 21, 2006

NEW ALBUM, SAME OLD TREASON

Dixie Chicks Give Aid, Comfort to Enemy

(New York) In 2003 and as our nation’s brave men and women in uniform prepared to punish Saddam Hussein for his part in 9/11 (The Day That Changed Everything©,) the Dixie Chicks’ Natalie Maines stood before a London audience and treasonly slurred, “Just so you know, we're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas.*” The justifiable uproar that followed failed to sway our inferior British partners from staying the course in Iraq, but it did bring an abrupt end to the inexplicable popularity of the talentless trio. Dropped from radio rotation, booed at every ACLU meeting they attended, and spit upon by all who believe that “these colors don’t run,” lead singer Maines issued an apology and begged us for our, and Jesus’, forgiveness.

Today, however, and in true Democratic tradition,
the Dixie Chicks waffled. Speaking of the President as if he were some kind of drunken roadie, Maines the Mouth incredulously slandered, “I don’t feel he is owed any respect whatsoever.*” Also like any Democrat who ever lived, “Moscow Maines’” remarks contradicted statements she’s made in the past concerning the Country Music Lover-in-Chief. For example, Maines once had the nerve to falsely claim, “I love my country,*” and, “I’m a proud American.*”

“Clearly, Miss Maines…I call her ‘Miss’ as I assume she’s an unwed Welfare mother…is mixing alcohol and prescription drugs,” commented pop culture expert Rush Limbaugh on The Nashville Network’s new round-table show, Love It or Leave It with Toby Keith. “I mean, no respect for the office of the President? That’s a curious stance for someone who alleges to love her country, although I suspect that ‘her country’ may in fact be Iran.” Limbaugh then called for a boycott of the Dixie Chicks’s new album, Taking the Long Way, a call most right-thinking Americans believe is unnecessary, as no self-respecting country music fan could stomach having it in their 8-track collections.

Limbaugh was joined in his rightful Chicks-bashing by music icon Toby Keith, who revealed that he suspects that he reckons he knows what’s behind the band’s latest “we were against Bush before we were against Bush before we were against Bush” rant. “No doubt about it, this is just a sad, sad attempt to sell records,” the all-American Keith insightfully offered. Keith, however, cautioned “Osama’s Angels” that this poorly-planned marketing strategy will ultimately fail. “What these dumb chicks don’t understand is that the 31% of folks who still know that W kicks ass are the same folks who buy country-western records.”

*-Indicates Actual America-Hating Quote

19 Comments:

Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

"no self-respecting country music fan could stomach having it in their 8-track collections."

lol, so true

May 22, 2006 1:41 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

True, the 31% who still love W are the ones who listen to Country & Western. They're also the same ones who think the sun revolves around the Earth, and the same ones who go 45 in the left lane with their blinker on.

May 22, 2006 3:42 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Why not just put acid on the cd cases then of country music? Or insert instructions to listen to the music in the bath tub with a plugged in boombox?We could easily eliminate the idiot demographic if what you say is true, or just make them even less coherent.

Who's with me, HopalongHempHippie Heads (c)2006 ??????

May 22, 2006 9:27 AM  
Blogger betmo said...

i am an elitist who listens to jazz. i prefer jazz and classical without words to filter out the idiot quotient. :) i find it interesting that the chicks waffled- i just wrote a short post on people who waffle. i am not sure when it became ok to back down when badgered- stand up for what you believe! stay the course! don't cut and run! i am pretty sure that those are lyrics in a country song- i'm not sure which. oh wait... all of them.

May 22, 2006 9:46 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

G-Man: My first car (truck) came equipped with an 8-track; even then it was 20 years outdated. Wait...I just wrote "truck" and "8-track" and "outdated" in a sentence...I'm half-way to writing a country song (quick: what rhymes with "cousin?")

Tom: So, you're saying that Bush voters are safe drivers and sky-observant? I can live with that.

EB: Again with the acid? Just last week you wanted to put it in Lucky Charms cereal and Geritol. Have you no shame?

Betmo: Those ideals aren't in every C&W songs...just the kick-ass ones!

May 22, 2006 10:31 AM  
Anonymous gordo said...

Dixie Chicks? Yankee Chicks is more like it! I'll bet you cash money that Natalie bin Maines has never waved a rebel flag, slept with a cousin, or burned a cross in her entire life.

These Chicks have about as much Dixie in them as Kofi Annan. And he's got damn little Dixie in him.

May 22, 2006 11:39 AM  
Blogger glenda said...

Hey Rex.
Hey, gordo, those chicks are all from Dallas, and the last I heard, that's about as Dixie as it gets.

May 22, 2006 1:51 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Did Toby Keith inlist in the military yet?

May 22, 2006 1:59 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Gordo: Damn, just once I'd love to go all day without Koffi's name come up. Seriously, a man has to eat sometime!

Glenda: Dallas is as Dixie as it gets?!? Obviously, you've never spent a weekend anywhere east of the Mississippi and south (smile when you say "South") of Manasses..and,no, Disney World doesn't count (well, except for the "Jugband Jamboree.")

POP: Toby Keith would enlist in a New York, um, I mean a South Carolina second...if it weren't for his damn trick knee (the one with the banjo on it.)

May 22, 2006 3:25 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

Osama's Angels...hmmm who's Toby Keith?

May 23, 2006 3:16 AM  
Blogger Callooh said...

for you Rex..... a dangerous (very bad) song

I found my one true love
in my Ford truck, blessed from above
listenin' to God lovin' 8 tracks
my Lord she was stacked
then she tol' me, she wuz my cousin
I cried manly tears jest after our lovin'
now you could say I'm outdated
but I think we wuz fated
cuz when ya make luv ter ya cousin
yer kids have ther fingers in dozens

May 23, 2006 9:35 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

There's some great messages on the new cd. One is called "I hope" I heard it on Imus this morning and loved it.

May 23, 2006 10:21 AM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

Love the "Fat, drunk, and stupid" - Dean Wormer line. LOL

May 23, 2006 9:34 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Sumo: Who's Toby Keith?!? Tell me, if your Communist Card entitle you to lifetime membership, or do you have to renew yearly?

Callooh: Normally, I'm not a big fan of things lyrical, but that work brought a (manly) tear to my eye!

POP: Please tell me you don't really listen to Imus; I had such high hopes for you!

PT: I can actually repeat that entire movie verbatim (sorry, ladies, I'm already taken!)

May 23, 2006 11:12 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

..."as our nation’s brave men and women in uniform prepared to punish Saddam Hussein for his part in 9/11..."

You've got evidence that Sadaam was connected to 9/11?! Do tell! Americans have been asking the government for that proof for the last couple of years and still haven't gotten anything!

"For example, Maines once had the nerve to falsely claim, 'I love my country,' and, 'I’m a proud American.'"

Thank God you reminded me, because I forgot that to disagree with your leaders' (warmongering) policies is to fundamentally hate your country. Whew, what an embarrassment that would have been.

"'Clearly, Miss Maines…I call her "Miss" as I assume she’s an unwed Welfare mother…is mixing alcohol and prescription drugs,' commented pop culture expert Rush Limbaugh on The Nashville Network’s new round-table show, Love It or Leave It with Toby Keith."

Oh, the heartache of disappointment. I had held Rush up to such high standards for his tolerance and education prior to this post. Again, it had slipped my mind that Maines was A: poor, B: unmarried, and C: addicted to drugs. Then again, coming from the mouth of a drug addict, maybe Rush knows what he's talking about.

“What these dumb chicks don’t understand is that the 31% of folks who still know that W kicks ass are the same folks who buy country-western records.”

Thankfully for them, the Chicks don't have to rely on that 31% of Americans who waddle around their trailers pregnant 365 days a year with rollers in the hair and lint-balled slippers on the feet. They've now got fans whose loyalty isn't as easily discarded as that of the right wing nuts who, prior to the Chicks stating their OPINION, claimed to be "fans."

"Toby Keith would enlist in a New York, um, I mean a South Carolina second...if it weren't for his damn trick knee (the one with the banjo on it.)"

I've got just the solution for that! One week in Iraq, and he could have that "trick knee" blown right off by the IEDs our soldiers are daily being maimed and killed by! Problem solved! Where's the recruiter when you need him? Oh, that's right--badgering college students on America's campuses because the rate of enlistment has dropped drastically since the start of the Iraq war.

And last, but not least:

"Fat, drunk, and stupid...No way to go through life, even if you are a Dixie Chick!"

First rule of debate: When you have no argument with which to counter, attack your opponent personally. The Bushies have taught you well, my friend.

May 24, 2006 7:16 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Laurie: I enjoyed reading your comments, up until the point I realized that they were America-hating.

Do you see what I did there? I minimalized your rational thoughts with a razor-sharp questioning of your patriotism. THAT is what the "Bushies" have taught me, and they have taught me well.

Oh, and they also taught me what a "dictionary" is (not that they ever consult one, of course,) and armed with that knowledge I looked up "satire."

May 24, 2006 8:20 AM  
Blogger Laurie said...

And here I thought you might spar with me. *snaps fingers* I was readying myself for some good ol' blood pressure-elevating debate. Darn. Guess it's not my day.

May 24, 2006 11:01 AM  
Blogger LadyCelticFire said...

Laurie, HAHA Will you be my friend LMAO

That made me cry I was laughin so damn hard.... HA
Specially the rollers in their hair and lint on their slippers part hehehe

May 24, 2006 6:39 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

I didn't see any Nascar imagery here..you can't have the south without Nascar dude.

May 24, 2006 10:27 PM  

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