Wednesday, May 17, 2006

RHODE ISLAND: STOP HATING AMERICA!!!

RI Lawyers Sue NSA Sources, Jesus May Be Next Defendant

(Providence) Yesterday the crack Spurious George Un-American Activities staff revealed that Rhode Island is by far the most America-hating state, proven by the inexplicable fact that a mere 23% of those clam-eating bastards stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the President on the Never-Ending War on Everything©. Today it appears that instead of attempting to dispel that label, the state that foisted Patrick Kennedy upon us is actually embracing it, as a cell of al Qaeda-conspiring
RI lawyers have sued several telephone companies for their refusal to stop helping the government to keep us all safe from terrorism.

The frivolous class-action suit accuses partners-in-freedom AT&T, BellSouth and Verizon of “illegally” of providing the noble NSA with their customers’ phone call and internet use records. Furthermore, the baseless and highly-partisan legal maneuver asks for $1,000 per “violation.” If the wrong legislating-from-the-bench judge (appointed, of course, by Bill Clinton) inexplicably finds in favor of the plaintiffs, the damages could total in the billions and subsequently erase
the President’s recent plan to cut taxes by $70 billion. “Once again, liberals want to tax and sue,” sighed a disgusted Karl Rove, in Providence to oversee the installation of Diebold-brand voting machines ahead of the 2006 mid-term elections. “The only difference is now they do so with the intent of giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Then again, what do you expect? They’re from Rhode Island!”

“When have we ever authorized a full-scale fishing expedition*?” whined Rhode Island attorney Michael St. Pierre, a man whose mere name smacks of Francophile America-hating, in justifying his treason. “Sure, the government might prevent another 9/11, but at what cost? I mean, there are lonely middle-aged men out there having intimate conversations with phone-sex operators! Is the avoidance of a national tragedy really worth their embarrassment?”

President Bush,
a man who knows a thing or two about fishing expeditions, dismissed the lawsuit as another example of the nattering nabobs of New England negativity. “You see, there’s a reason Rhode is an island; their cut off from the will of good, God-fearing Americans. That is to say, they hate our freedoms. May God continue to bless America.” The President further explained that Rhode Island’s treason proves, more than ever, that Gen. Michael Hayden is the right man, at the right time, to head the CIA. “A military dude at the head of a civilian intelligence-gathering thing-a-ma-jig guarantees not only our security, but that uppity states like the Island of Rhode will get both shocked, and awed!”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

13 Comments:

Blogger Carrie Oakey said...

God is flooding New England to wash all the liberal scum from the Earth! Go God!

May 17, 2006 11:23 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Why is Bush's hair such a mess in that picture? Did you get it from LoC?

May 17, 2006 11:27 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

his phone is upside down as well.

Bush is really proving he is for small government huh?

May 18, 2006 1:18 AM  
Blogger betmo said...

as a progressive, anti-american, i am behind the rhode islanders 100%. better to tax and sue than borrow and spend america right into bankruptcy to china. i have no one to call and no one to email but that isn't the point. the point is- if the man can't hold the phone the right way and speak in complete, coherent sentences- then he probably can't understand them either so what does he need my communications for? of course i am from that godless land- upstate new york. hillary for the senate (but not the white house)

May 18, 2006 9:16 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Carrie: Flooding, like lightning striking Sen. Kennedy's plane, are sure signs of God's displeasure. When will these people get the hint?

Lew: When you work hard, your hair gets mussed!

G-Man: The Prez IS making government smaller...by eliminating Congressional and judicial oversight, you see!

Betmo: I agree...let's keep Hillary in the Senate (where she can do less harm.)

May 18, 2006 9:43 AM  
Blogger Fred Bieling said...

This whole, "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" arguement sounds suspiciously like, "Your not gay if you don't push back."

May 18, 2006 9:55 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

Rex, oh Sage one, please answer me this: if God is always blessing America, why is American in such an unholy mess — 45 million uninsured, millions living in poverty, a quagmire in Iraq, pesky gnats Iran and North Korea tweaking our nose, and more and more in the world turning against us?

And BTW, God was just washing away the winter's grime from his beloved Northeast. Everything is now sparkling and clean up here in God's Blue Heaven.

May 18, 2006 2:14 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

What if you do have something to hide and it doesn't have damned thing to do with terrorist? What if Osama is calling someone and he dials the number in error therefore he reaches someone, say like, Rex Kramer-danger seeker?

May 18, 2006 4:35 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Fred: Congrads...you earned today's "most disturbing analogy" award. Among this crowd, that's saying something.

Abi: We are truly blessed in that each perceived misstep we are that much closer to the glorious promised Rapture. What, you though attacking the Islam horde was a historical hiccup? Silly rabbit.

POP: Oh, how I wait for that phone call; I mean, I've been leaving messages for him for years!

May 18, 2006 5:04 PM  
Blogger Jeremy said...

As a New England native, I can attest to the fact that there are free-thinking, pinko commie bastards everywhere, fishing for your goddamned lobster dinners.

Maine had W at 27% recently, but we've sided a bit less with the terrorists and we're back up to 31%.

Only Johnny Damon polls lower, at 2% approval.

May 18, 2006 5:51 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Rhode Island lawyers? No problem. Call Denny Crain (Boston Legal) and he'll save the day with his "mad cow" intellect. I'm sure he'll offer his services pro bono since he kisses the, er, I mean adores the president.

May 18, 2006 6:10 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Jeremy: Damon's a local boy, so you won't hear me bad-mouth him. Besides, he look(ed)s too much like Jesus, and hating Him is just inviting a smiting!

Kathy: I have to plead ignorance here. Anything with the word "Boston" in it gets ignored in the Danger-Seeker household. I mean, I can't even watch old reruns of "Cheers" without wanting to punch Ted Kennedy.

May 18, 2006 6:33 PM  
Blogger betmo said...

i love 'denny crain' but i love james spader more. cheers left me bored.

May 18, 2006 8:15 PM  

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