Monday, May 15, 2006


Lightning Strikes, Fails to Kill, Sh*t-Faced Senator

(Boston) Proving once again that our Christian God is a just but vengeful God, a private plane carrying Ten Commandment-violating Senator
Ted Kennedy was struck by lightning Saturday afternoon. After taking off following a commencement speech at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts (as if Massachusetts would ever have a College of Conservative Arts) and while en route to his sinful love nest on Cape Cod, the “Hedonist of Hyannisport’s” Cessna lost all power when it was, one can only assume, smited by the Creator. “God acts in mysterious ways,” preached Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson on Friday’s 700 Club. “Then sometimes He just gives people like ‘Killer Kennedy’ the Biblical bitch-slap they so desperately need.”

Robertson and other moral authorities, however, were confused as to why the Almighty chose once again to spare the “Bovian Bostonian’s” life. Kennedy’s plane was able to limp into New Haven, CT, where it is rumored the sauced Senator celebrated by raping several Yale co-eds. “While I would never question His judgment, a man of lesser faith might wonder why a man like Ronald Reagan is taken from us, while a man like Ted Kennedy is allowed to wallow and root among us,” Robertson lamented.

This was not the first time Jesus inexplicably allowed “Tipsy Teddy” to escape certain death. In 1964 another plane carrying the portly politician crashed, resulting in the deaths of the pilot and a political aide (possibly an underage boy.) In a more infamous 1969 incident, the drunk Democrat attempted, in an affront to Jesus, drive his Oldsmobile across Poucha Pond on the island of Chappaquiddick. Surprisingly, “the Menace of Massachusetts” survived; not surprisingly, his innocent (and possibly raped) companion did not.

While no one died as a result of his most recent smiting, FAA officials are investigating why Kennedy was allowed on an airplane in the first place. Said an anonymous official, “Senator Kennedy has been on the no-fly list since January 21, 2001. I’m sorry, make that September 12, 2001. A Kennedy in the Senate has about as much business being on a plane as does a Kennedy in the House being behind the wheel of a car.” A Homeland Security official would neither confirm nor deny that the “Nincompoop of New England” is on the federal no-fly-list, but did comment that, “If Ted Kennedy doesn’t present a clear and present danger to the security of the United States, I don’t know who does.”


Blogger Fred Bieling said...

You shoulda heard Howard Stern this, the're talking about Kennedy having a trap door in his cessna for dropping ho's into the Boston Harbor before landing.

May 15, 2006 1:25 PM  
Blogger Blogenfreude said...

I find "Nappaquiddick" more exciting than this - a new generation of scandal!

May 15, 2006 4:25 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Or maybe the spaghetti monster is saving ted's life each time because he has a higher mission for him.

May 15, 2006 6:06 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Fred: I used to get all of my news from Howard until he started bad-mouthing the President. That said, I really doon't trust anyone who doesn't broadcast on AM.

Freude: Not sure what this "Nappa" is of which you speak. I can only assume it has something to do with Ted getting drunk on California wine.

POP: If Kennedy has a higher mission, it's to be the poster child for those who wish to change the Catholic church's stance on birth control. Just think how much better this world would be with one less Kennedy!

May 15, 2006 6:55 PM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

Once again, the terrible aim of the hand of God!

May 15, 2006 9:58 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

The other way to look at it, Rex, is that the Lord Almighty gave it his best shot and still couldn't silence the great liberal voice from the proud blue state of Massachusetts.

May 15, 2006 11:05 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

When he was involved in the crash in 64' he wasn't portly. Those were his leaner times back then. I think on Mary Jo K. every now and again and thank my lucky stars it wasn't me in that car that went oddly into the drink.

May 16, 2006 6:11 AM  

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