Tuesday, May 16, 2006

IDAHO LOVES AMERICA!

Rhode Island? Not So Much

(Boise) A recent poll conducted by somebody-or-other (probably lefty elitist scientists) has revealed that only Wyoming, Utah, and especially Idaho still support the President, and thus America, unconditionally. 52% of citizens of the Gemstone State continue to stay the course, while the remaining 48% have been described as “squatters from Seattle.” The same poll also has proven what many right-thinking Americans have always believed:
Rhode Island hates America.

Idahoites, er, Idahoians, um, folks from Idaho took the news in stride, as patriotism, and not potatoes, has long been the state’s claim to fame. Outside his animal husbandry farm outside of Smelterville, entrepreneur Bobby Joe McSisterfucker probably spoke for the majority of his state-mates when he declared his steadfast support for the administration’s sound foreign policy. “That Bush fella’s one of us, you know? I seen him clear brush on the TV, plus I hear he’s nice to horses. His daughters are pretty.” McSisterfucker further stated that as a small business owner, he appreciates the President’s “easy hand” in matters of economics. “Ever since that damn Clinton had the EPA clean up the lead works, folks here have been forced to drink tasteless water and raise cows with only one head!” McSisterfucker speculated, probably correctly, that the resulting lack of mercury in the water supply has made the “other” 48% weak, and thus susceptible to voting Democratic.

Former Vice President (and 2008 contender…keep your fingers crossed) Dan Quayle also lauded Idaho’s America-loving spirit. “Those people are real Americans. They work hard, play hard, and, as is their right granted by the Idaho state Constitution, bang their cousins hard,” explained the Hero of the Heartland. Although not a native of the state, Quayle has come to know the good people of Idaho during his reign as official spokesman for the potato(e) industry. “When you bite into an Idaho potato, you might think you’re tasting heavy metals with a trace of arsenic, but let me tell you, that’s the taste of freedom, mister!”

On the flip side of the future Ronald Reagan coin, only 23% of the enemy aiders-and-comforters in Rhode Island love their country, and many fear even that number may be inflated. “This is a state that had elected and re-elected a Kennedy, for Christ’s sake,” commented Ann Coulter of neighboring Connecticut, a state that, despite her best efforts, “boasts” a 68% America-hating rate. “These people would elect Osama into the Oval Office over Bush. I say we just cede them all to France and be done with it!”

10 Comments:

Blogger sumo said...

I hope that was intended to be funny... because...it was. As if you needed to be told that eh?

May 16, 2006 11:41 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Sumo, there is nothing funny about America-loving...or those bastards in Rhode Island!

May 17, 2006 12:04 AM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

And nothing funny about potatoes voting Republican. I say let's smite the America haters off the polls and register potatoes which can be counted on to vote for the Grand Old Party. People who vote Republican have a lot in common with good American Idaho potatoes, and that is a true fact.

May 17, 2006 1:25 AM  
Blogger betmo said...

i thought ann coulter was from florida- that's what it said on her voter registration card. oh wait...

May 17, 2006 9:28 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

Top (bottom) of the list - Rhode Island, New York, Vermont, Massachusetts, Delaware, New Jersey. Thank you, Spaghetti Monster, for the great Northeast.

May 17, 2006 11:02 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

The tears from laughter started after reading "Bobby Joe McSisterfucker" so I'll have to come back and finish reading when I can see again.

May 17, 2006 11:18 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Come, Rex. Rhode Island? Patrick Kennedy? Rhode island is like the armpit of the liberal body politic.


Rhode Island is like the second cousin once removed you just stop seeing at family functions. Until the bookie threats.

May 17, 2006 12:48 PM  
Anonymous jeannie lynn Mcsisterfucker said...

Now Rex listen here- Spuds stay the course. Unlike, say, apples. Which not only keep doctors away with their plans for socialized medicine but sound vaguely New England liberalish.

May 17, 2006 12:51 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

Now Rex listen here- Spuds stay the course. Unlike, say, apples. Which not only keep doctors away with their plans for socialized medicine but sound vaguely New England liberalish.

And what about coal? Nothing is more American than ripping 100's of thousands of tons of coal from the ground. And who has more coal than any other state. Well...ok...it's Wyoming, but Idaho is a close second, but Idahoians don't mind. Our beloved VEEP comes from Idaho, so it's OK to be second in Patriotism...a close second...a really, Really close second.

May 17, 2006 3:21 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Newsdude: Spoken like a true Idahoian!

Betmo: We here in FL are pleased as potato punch to have Miss Coulter among us; however, it can not be denied that she was a Nutmeg Stater originally. Their loss is our lovely gain!

Abi: When, exactly, are you people going to cede yourselves to Canada and leave the rest of us alone?

POP: BJ McS is not one to be laughed at. Pitied, perhaps, maybe even openly mocked, but never laughed at.

EB: I always thought of RI as the retarded child of one's adopted brother; best ignored and kept a dark, family secret.

JL McS: New Englandish and Washingtonianesque! I lived for a time amongst the WA apples, with their uppity groves and too-cool-for-school cores. Bastards!

Kvatch: I agree whole-heartedly. And who cares if the greater Orlando area has more people than the state of Wyoming? That just means their patriotism is more concentrated!!!

May 17, 2006 7:18 PM  

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