Sunday, May 28, 2006


Gonzales’ and Mueller’s Loyalty and Patriotism Questioned

(Washington) How corrupt Congressman William Jefferson (D-LA) sleeps at night is anyone’s guess. Not only has the disgraced representative brought more dishonor upon the federal government than any other official since his namesake William Jefferson Clinton,
he now seems intent on destroying the Department of Justice. At long last, Mr. Jefferson, have you no sense of decency?

Jefferson, who appears to hate both America and honest government, recently had his Congressional office lawfully searched by FBI agents as part of an ongoing investigation (code-named “Big Easy Money”) of the representative’s acceptance of bribe money. Apparently, the fact that Jefferson’s office had ignored weeks worth of subpoenas and agents were forced to obtain a search warrant offended the Congressman and his corrupt (i.e. Democratic) cohorts, so much so that they whined like spoiled brats denied a new bauble. Their pathetic cries of “no fair” were so persuasive, stalwarts of integrity such as Dennis Hastert inexplicably took up their cause (note: while unconfirmed, there are rumors that Hastert is recovering from an infection of mad cow disease.)

Displaying the wisdom of Solomon, President Bush prudently sealed evidence seized during the lawful search for 45 days; presumably, enough time to expose the liberal lamentations for the sour grapes that they are. However, it now appears that previously-loyal administration officials such as Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and FBI Director Robert Mueller have treasonously threatened to resign if the President returns to documents to the Congressional criminal.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists during the War on Terror©,” sternly warned President Bush when advised of his underlings’ uppity-ness. “You see, when you make threats based on what I, as the Decider, decide, you’re a terrorist. And I’m not going to negotiate with those folks. May God continue to bless America.” Bush declined to address whether or not Gonzales and Mueller would be rendered to a third-world nation that sanctions torture, stating only that “all options are on the table.”

Others who, unlike the Treasonous Twosome, continue to love America were not so kind. “If I was still in office, I’d slather myself in Crisco, gather a mandatory staff prayer meeting, and follow George Bush to the gates of hell,” patriotically asserted former Attorney General John Ashcroft. “Alberto’s disregard for the law makes him no better than a Mexican who crosses the border and steals our jobs! In fact, has anyone asked him for his green card?”

FBI Director Mueller did not go unscathed as renowned pundits rushed to decry his lack of patriotism. “The intelligence community needs leadership that does the President’s bidding without question, or with muddying his orders up with ‘facts’ and ‘Constitutional issue,” rightly testified former CIA Director George Tenet. “Frankly, I don’t see a Presidential Medal of Freedom in his future. I have one, you know. Want to see it? It’s shiny!”

While neither Gonzales nor Mueller have been formerly charged with treason and/or dereliction of duty, indictments seem inevitable. Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, recently reassigned from his investigation of partisan charges against former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff I. Lewis Libby to look into allegations that Senator Russ Feingold hates America, was again re-assigned to probe the Democracy-Hating Duo’s doings. Go get ‘em, Fitz!


Blogger Callooh said...

"slather myself in Crisco, gather a mandatory staff prayer meeting, and follow George Bush to the gates of hell"

damn Rex, sounds like my ideaer of a party.... (especially if its the all vegetable Crisco - don't go in for that lard crap)

off to the grocery store now....

May 28, 2006 4:08 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

John Ashcroft slathered in Crisco — now that's an image only an uber patriot could stomach.

And Ixnay on Onzalesgay. I hear we're paying him less than minimum wage.

May 28, 2006 7:50 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Callooh: Only a hippie mind could turn ceremonial annointing into something dirty.

Abi: We'll be paying him nada at Gitmo (although his health care will be mucho gratis.)

May 28, 2006 9:17 PM  
Blogger Ron Nasty said...

You know, I always suspected that Gonzales has no green card, because he forgot-o to drop the 'o' from his first name.

May 28, 2006 9:28 PM  
Blogger Kathy said...

I suspect Congressman William Jefferson sleeps at night in much the same way as Cunningham, DeLay, Libby, etc. Criminal behavior is an equal opportunity activity.

May 31, 2006 2:11 PM  

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