Wednesday, May 24, 2006


Prez: Jeb Would Be “Heckuva Commissioner!”

(Tallahassee) When short-sighted Floridians enacted a state constitutional amendment limiting the governor to two consecutive terms, the poor misguided souls had no way of knowing that they’d be foregoing the chance to be led for four more years by a man former Supreme Court-nominee Harriet Miers described as “just the most swell governor ever in the history of everything!” Florida’s loss, however, appears to be America’s gain, as a soon-to-be unemployed
Jeb Bush has been tabbed to be the next NFL commissioner.

While the formal announcement has not yet been made, right-thinking football insiders say that the job is the governor’s if he wants it. Heisman Trophy winner and New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush, for example, believes it’s a natural fit. “Who’s Jeb Bush?” asked the former USC Trojan, who, like the President, is entirely too busy to be bothered with reading a newspaper. “No matter, if his name is Bush, I’m certain he’s someone who cares about black people. He gets my vote.” When informed that players do not elect the commissioner, but rather the selected candidate is chosen by a closed and secretive group of old white men, the astute athlete remarked, “Oh, like the Presidency, then? Well, ok, as long as it’s democratic, I’m all for it!”

President Bush, upon hearing that his younger brother has expressed an interest in the job, withdrew his earlier
endorsement of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “Don’t get me wrong; Condi would’ve done a heckuva job, I’m sure, but I know in my heart that Jeb will do a heckuva-er job!” The President, however, lamented that the man who would do the “heckuva-est job,” Michael Brown, has returned to the illustrious field of Arabian horse show promotion.

While publicly denying any plans for future employment, the governor’s family confirmed that the governor is ready to play political football. Reached at the Orange County Jail (where we assume she was teaching inmates how to read,)
daughter Noelle Bush expressed her firm belief that her father was the right man for the job. “Maybe with him out of office, I can finally get a fix of oxycontin without my face ending up in the news.” Jeb’s son John Bush, speaking from the stool at a Tallahassee bar, slurred his support for his popular father. “I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!” As any teenager can tell you, “I hate him,” is in fact what the cool kids say when they mean, “Jeb Bush would bring to the National Football League the same visionary leadership that has made Florida the envy of the nation.” John Bush then threw up repeatedly, another sign of paternal respect.

This post represents Rex Kramer’s 200th post. Yes, he realizes that he’s wasting his life.


Blogger Ron Nasty said...

I'm sure all the NFL team doctors would be happy to get Noelle all the prescription drugs she wa-, er, I mean needs. If not, I'm sure they would look the other way when she "borrowed" a prescription pad. Congratulations on 200! I'd have that many if it weren't fer that derned Howie Mandel!

May 24, 2006 8:51 PM  
Anonymous gordo said...

With Jeb in the commissioner's office, can we expect to see the mighty Chang knocking heads on the gridiron?


Rex, can you get rid of the "preview" button, so that your commenters can also become Danger-Seekers?

May 24, 2006 9:35 PM  
Blogger Newsguy said...

Oh No! You don't suppose he would like being NFL commissioner so much it would take his attention away from running for you? That would truly be a national tragedy. We need more Bushes in the White House. First Jeb in 2008 and then Barbara (the elder) in 2016, and then Noelle and then Barbara (the daughter) and...there must be some more Bushes out there that we can install in the Oval Orfice.

May 24, 2006 10:11 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

Christ, Condo is going to be so pissed..

May 24, 2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger Callooh said...

a man with his parenting skills, and moral fiber would a perfect fit . . .

and John, hate/love - different sides of the same coin.

I might even watch my first game of American Football, ya never know.

May 25, 2006 12:01 AM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

I can't think of a more patriotic redblooded American to be football commissioner than Jeb Bush. It's too bad these Commie-pansie term limits are forcing him out of the governor's mansion, but when we have to make lemonaide...

After he's served a respectable amount of time as NFL Commissioner, Jeb of course will continue the Bush Dynasty by running for president. That's the surest way to keep these terrorist-loving Surrender Monkeys out of the White House forever. Jeb may be dumber than a sack of dirt, but us common working-class neocons need him in the White House to protect us from Commies and terrorists.

May 25, 2006 2:56 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

If he got the job then the bush taint would be on football. Is there nothing safe from these bastards?

May 25, 2006 3:07 PM  
Blogger betmo said...

newsguy- you forgot 'P'- jeb's son.

May 25, 2006 6:50 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Sports, as everyone knows, is in the Bush blood. Why, when W was the owner of the Rangers, he once managed to trade Sammy Sosa for a sandwich (a TASTY sandwich!)

May 25, 2006 8:35 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

Bush has got a huge taint POP.

congrats on the 200th post. I just posted like 202. I am going to go find some real life friends soon.

May 26, 2006 1:47 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

I think you've done at least 16 posts for TBR...we just went past 600.

But, what is all this potty talk about Bush family taints

May 26, 2006 3:48 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Newsman messed up. He meant to say, there must be some more Bushes out there that we can install in the evil orifice

May 26, 2006 8:32 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

YAY for REX! 200!

Clearly I am not a sports nut because I thought Eisner was in the running before this Jeb-draft effort.

May 26, 2006 9:25 AM  
Blogger EmascuMan said...

I do not think you should poke fun at Terri Schiavo's end of life scenario. Hers was a beautiful life cut short by those who cannot retrieve their humanity from the bowels of their hating mean bodies.

We know you heard us, Terri. We saw that Metallica video for "one". We understood your SOS. Looks like Terri got her gun. The gun of indifference.

May 27, 2006 12:23 AM  

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