BUSH LEAGUE: GOVERNOR TO LEAD NFL

Prez: Jeb Would Be “Heckuva Commissioner!”

(Tallahassee) When short-sighted Floridians enacted a state constitutional amendment limiting the governor to two consecutive terms, the poor misguided souls had no way of knowing that they’d be foregoing the chance to be led for four more years by a man former Supreme Court-nominee Harriet Miers described as “just the most swell governor ever in the history of everything!” Florida’s loss, however, appears to be America’s gain, as a soon-to-be unemployed Jeb Bush has been tabbed to be the next NFL commissioner.

While the formal announcement has not yet been made, right-thinking football insiders say that the job is the governor’s if he wants it. Heisman Trophy winner and New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush, for example, believes it’s a natural fit. “Who’s Jeb Bush?” asked the former USC Trojan, who, like the President, is entirely too busy to be bothered with reading a newspaper. “No matter, if his name is Bush, I’m certain he’s someone who cares about black people. He gets my vote.” When informed that players do not elect the commissioner, but rather the selected candidate is chosen by a closed and secretive group of old white men, the astute athlete remarked, “Oh, like the Presidency, then? Well, ok, as long as it’s democratic, I’m all for it!”

President Bush, upon hearing that his younger brother has expressed an interest in the job, withdrew his earlier endorsement of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “Don’t get me wrong; Condi would’ve done a heckuva job, I’m sure, but I know in my heart that Jeb will do a heckuva-er job!” The President, however, lamented that the man who would do the “heckuva-est job,” Michael Brown, has returned to the illustrious field of Arabian horse show promotion.

While publicly denying any plans for future employment, the governor’s family confirmed that the governor is ready to play political football. Reached at the Orange County Jail (where we assume she was teaching inmates how to read,) daughter Noelle Bush expressed her firm belief that her father was the right man for the job. “Maybe with him out of office, I can finally get a fix of oxycontin without my face ending up in the news.” Jeb’s son John Bush, speaking from the stool at a Tallahassee bar, slurred his support for his popular father. “I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!” As any teenager can tell you, “I hate him,” is in fact what the cool kids say when they mean, “Jeb Bush would bring to the National Football League the same visionary leadership that has made Florida the envy of the nation.” John Bush then threw up repeatedly, another sign of paternal respect.

This post represents Rex Kramer’s 200th post. Yes, he realizes that he’s wasting his life.