IT’S SMITING SEASON!

Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Elections (Oh My!)

(Miami) The Lord, if the Rev. Pat Robertson heard Him correctly (and we have no doubt that he did,) has sent warnings of imminent tsunamis in the Pacific Northwest. Today, the National Hurricane Center that the upcoming season, which begins on June 1st, could bring 8-10 killer hurricanes to America’s shores. Last, but not least, the 2006 mid-term elections are still scheduled (barring an unanticipated, but possibly necessary executive emergency order to cancel them) for this November. What does this mean to you, the God-fearing American?

It’s “smiting season,” baby!!!

While less Jesus-loving beings (we’re looking at you, scientific community) might see these catastrophic happenings as random occurrences, those who have learned everything they need to know from the Bible and dedicated viewing of The 700 Club are convinced that these are signs that a just but vengeful God is fixin’ to do some housecleaning, Old Testament-style! “Hurricanes? Tsunamis? Elections? Oh, my!” exclaimed newly-appointed Secretary of Church and State Rick Santorum. “Clearly, the Almighty is upset with the way the liberal agenda has been running this country the past five years.” Santorum added that it was uncertain what specific affront most angered God, but did admit that the possible causes were infinite. “Gay marriage? Care-free abortion? Illegal immigrants? Anti-war protests? Excessive filibusters? Hard to say. No one, except Pat Robertson of course, can know the mind of God.”

Reached at his Tsunami Relief Headquarters atop Washington’s Mt. Rainier, Rev. Robertson asserted that Jesus has revealed to him the sole reason for the impending “wall of wash-away-the-sin water.” According to the Lord’s chosen tax-deductible donation, and to no one’s surprise, it’s the homosexuals. “Those damned homos just love making waves, always flaunting their hatred of Jesus in our faces. I say then unto you that it is righteous and fitting that San Francisco will be wiped off the blue-state map!” Wiping spittle from his mouth, Robertson added that “fairy-friendly” cities such as Seattle and Portland also run the risk of being pummeled by the punishing Pacific. “Is Seattle not the Emerald City? Is Portland not the Rose City? Folks, was ‘the Judy Garland City’ name already taken?”

A very active hurricane season also promises to make 2006 a rough year for those who have yet to accept Bush, er, Jesus as their Lord and Savior. From her Tallahassee bunker, Florida congresswoman and former Miss America Katherine Harris feared that her home state may suffer the brunt of God’s wrath. “For Terri Schiavo, for rejecting school vouchers, and for not supporting my Senate campaign, Floridians must pay,” calmly explained America’s sweetheart, who also took time from her busy schedule to announce the potential names of this year’s storms. “Al, Bill, Clinton, Democrat, Evil (Axis of,) Feingold, Gore, Hillary…that one should be a Category 5 bitch…Independents, Jews, Katrina 2, Liberal, Murtha, Nagrin, Osama, Pelosi, Queers, Rejectionist, Sheehan, Trial Lawyer, Unitarian, Vermont, War Protester, X-Rated, Yellow-Belly, and Zionist.”

Many believe, however, that an outcome in the 2006 mid-term elections that Jesus finds pleasing may make 2007 less devastating, and will make it infinitely more America-loving. “Without a doubt, keeping Republicans in power would send a message to the Creator that maybe, just maybe more than 31% of Americans reject Satan,” solemnly stated Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS.) “I have great faith, not only in Jesus, but in America. Well, at least 31% of America. Luckily for them, the other 70-something percent…math is hard…should be nearly wiped off the face of the planet by Election Day.”

Rex Kramer, a veteran of several hurricanes, says to the upcoming season, “Bring It On!”