Tuesday, May 23, 2006

IT’S SMITING SEASON!


Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Elections (Oh My!)

(Miami) The Lord, if the Rev. Pat Robertson heard Him correctly (and we have no doubt that he did,) has sent warnings of imminent
tsunamis in the Pacific Northwest. Today, the National Hurricane Center that the upcoming season, which begins on June 1st, could bring 8-10 killer hurricanes to America’s shores. Last, but not least, the 2006 mid-term elections are still scheduled (barring an unanticipated, but possibly necessary executive emergency order to cancel them) for this November. What does this mean to you, the God-fearing American?

It’s “smiting season,” baby!!!

While less Jesus-loving beings (we’re looking at you, scientific community) might see these catastrophic happenings as random occurrences, those who have learned everything they need to know from the Bible and dedicated viewing of The 700 Club are convinced that these are signs that a just but vengeful God is fixin’ to do some housecleaning, Old Testament-style! “Hurricanes? Tsunamis? Elections? Oh, my!” exclaimed newly-appointed Secretary of Church and State Rick Santorum. “Clearly, the Almighty is upset with the way the liberal agenda has been running this country the past five years.” Santorum added that it was uncertain what specific affront most angered God, but did admit that the possible causes were infinite. “Gay marriage? Care-free abortion? Illegal immigrants? Anti-war protests? Excessive filibusters? Hard to say. No one, except Pat Robertson of course, can know the mind of God.”

Reached at his Tsunami Relief Headquarters atop Washington’s Mt. Rainier, Rev. Robertson asserted that Jesus has revealed to him the sole reason for the impending “wall of wash-away-the-sin water.” According to the Lord’s chosen tax-deductible donation, and to no one’s surprise, it’s the homosexuals. “Those damned homos just love making waves, always flaunting their hatred of Jesus in our faces. I say then unto you that it is righteous and fitting that San Francisco will be wiped off the blue-state map!” Wiping spittle from his mouth, Robertson added that “fairy-friendly” cities such as Seattle and Portland also run the risk of being pummeled by the punishing Pacific. “Is Seattle not the Emerald City? Is Portland not the Rose City? Folks, was ‘the Judy Garland City’ name already taken?”

A very active hurricane season also promises to make 2006 a rough year for those who have yet to accept Bush, er, Jesus as their Lord and Savior. From her Tallahassee bunker, Florida congresswoman and former Miss America Katherine Harris feared that her home state may suffer the brunt of God’s wrath. “For Terri Schiavo, for rejecting school vouchers, and for not supporting my Senate campaign, Floridians must pay,” calmly explained America’s sweetheart, who also took time from her busy schedule to announce the potential names of this year’s storms. “Al, Bill, Clinton, Democrat, Evil (Axis of,) Feingold, Gore, Hillary…that one should be a Category 5 bitch…Independents, Jews, Katrina 2, Liberal, Murtha, Nagrin, Osama, Pelosi, Queers, Rejectionist, Sheehan, Trial Lawyer, Unitarian, Vermont, War Protester, X-Rated, Yellow-Belly, and Zionist.”

Many believe, however, that an outcome in the 2006 mid-term elections that Jesus finds pleasing may make 2007 less devastating, and will make it infinitely more America-loving. “Without a doubt, keeping Republicans in power would send a message to the Creator that maybe, just maybe more than 31% of Americans reject Satan,” solemnly stated Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS.) “I have great faith, not only in Jesus, but in America. Well, at least 31% of America. Luckily for them, the other 70-something percent…math is hard…should be nearly wiped off the face of the planet by Election Day.”

Rex Kramer, a veteran of several hurricanes, says to the upcoming season, “Bring It On!”

15 Comments:

Blogger Kvatch said...

No doubt Pat's wrath will occur along the "Robertson Fault".

May 24, 2006 12:09 AM  
Anonymous gordo said...

kvatch--

Good point. And you made me think about "fault lines." The big fault line in the US, which is the site of many earthquakes and volcanos, runs right past Seattle and San Gomorrah.

God causes earthquakes and volcanos. They occur because sinners inspire God's wrath. And he's drawn a nice line between the tectonic plates so we'll know who's "fault" it is.

May 24, 2006 1:23 AM  
Anonymous Dude said...

So God does the hurricanes and earthquakes, volcanos...that kind of thing. But who is it doing the tornados? Couldn't be God...they only hit the bible belt and red states. Democrat tornado machines?

May 24, 2006 1:39 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

why doesn't pat warn us before the damn hurricane hits. Didn't some guy just go to jail for not giving up info that could save people?

May 24, 2006 3:26 AM  
Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

I always thought it was those homos. Those damn, free loving, overt homos.

May 24, 2006 8:26 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

My house has been smited three times in two years. WTF? Enough already. Being smited all the time results in hard work. Our roof was smited all to hell by Frances. Our trees and bushes were smited by Frances and Jeanne. Wilma put us in her cross hairs last year and smited us some more. This smiting shit is getting out of hand. Our freakin' lives have been over smited. Stop with the damen smites! It's like we're living in f'en Smiteville.

May 24, 2006 11:03 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

PoP, yup...in the end, Florida gets smote (?) a lot. What does that tell us?

May 24, 2006 4:07 PM  
Blogger LadyCelticFire said...

You know they CALL Portland the Rose City, but quiet honestly, we have been here a year, and I have only seen like a handful of roses.... They should change the name to the Cloud city cause thats all we ever have....

Oh yeah, ya think if I start praying NOW, it would help save us all LMAO

May 24, 2006 6:31 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Kvatch: Nothing is ever Robertson's fault.

Gordo: Having once lived on the fault line you described, I know well the feel of God's wrath. Remind me to tell you sometime about the night Mrs. Danger-Seeker and I were in a Tacoma theater when a trembler hit; to this day I have not seen the last 10 minutes of Pulp Fiction.

Dude: Tornados are clearly the work of the devil...the Tasmanian Devil.

G-Man: Unfortunately, the Lord only speaks to Pat in generic terms. Hurricane path predictions are left to extremely fallible humans (as anyone who experienced Charlie can attest.)

AG: There is no tragedy that can't be blamed on Bill Clinton and/or the Vast Homosexual Conspiracy.

POP and Kvatch: True, we here in FL have seen our share of smitation. Even my Jesus-loving roof and fence were smited by the 2004 hurricane season. Did I lament? No! I repented! As a result, 2005 was a damage-free year for the Kramerica Kompound.

LadyCelt: As a former resident of the Northwest, I remember vividly the 11-month rainy season. However, while raincoats and umbrellas help, they are no defense against the tidal wave that cometh. Repent!

May 24, 2006 6:44 PM  
Blogger LadyCelticFire said...

Repenting as we speak...

May 24, 2006 8:11 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

Nothing to repent here in California... except Arnold Schwarzenegger...don't think a tornado would carry off his big head. But...he could fall into the earth if an earthquake hit good enough.

May 24, 2006 8:20 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

Florida gets smitten alot because the friggin state hangs out there like a pecker on a 12 year old..

All I know is..I live in Bakersfrigginfield and soon I will have access to the beach by walking out my front door..real soon.

May 24, 2006 10:18 PM  
Blogger Callooh said...

Unitarian?!
damn....

midwest tornados - our willow was smitten - or was it the work of the devil...? God or Satan, it was a hell-of-a-mess.

fairly relieved H is Hillary and NOT Hippie... could have been in REAL trouble then...

not repenting however - believe I'm receiving at least partial protection by the very large "Jesus-Lovin'" community I live in.

May 24, 2006 11:52 PM  
Anonymous gordo said...

Rex--

I know the quake you're talking about. I was working in SeaTac airport when it hit. You never notice the lack of door frames in an airport until the ground starts shaking.

Lady Celtic--

Actually, the proper name for Portland is "Stumptown." I'll be there for the weekend, because all the Stumptowners will have gone to the coast.

Check out the Egyptian on East Division. Best bar in Portland.

May 25, 2006 10:49 PM  
Blogger LadyCelticFire said...

I will have to do that :D

May 29, 2006 2:39 PM  

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