McCAIN STILL ONE OF US
“GOP-Lite” Senator Embraces Falwell, America
(Lynchburg, VA) Ever since the 2000 primary season, when an uppity John McCain (R-AZ) dared to challenge the inevitable coronation of George W. Bush, party faithful have openly wondered if the Arizona maverick is “one of us.” In a party where loyalty is admired and demanded much more than such trivial things as “competence” and “accountability,” McCain’s flirting with a spot on the 2004 Democratic ticket was akin to Judas-esque treason in the eyes of the GOP faithful. “Fu*k John McCain,” Vice President Dick Cheney broken-heartedly commented at the time. “He’s dead to me! Dead!”
It is often said that only Nixon could go to China, and it appears now that only McCain could thumb his malformed nose at those who gave him everything and still return with a chance to succeed The Greatest President Ever. This month McCain began to trek toward Republican rehabilitation by visiting Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, where he gave the commencement address and, reportedly, found Jesus. During his speech, scouted by star-makers Ken Mehlman and Karl Rove, McCain properly called on the graduating class to, “go forth and do the Lord’s work. Bash gays! Stop abortion, especially in the cases of rape and incest! Take the Crusade against the heathen horde up a notch!” McCain went on to thank Jesus and President Bush, “without whom I wouldn’t even be here.”
Also in the audience was a pleased Rev. Jerry Falwell, who spoke glowingly about McCain’s presidential aspirations in 2008. “As you all know, gays caused 9/11. Finally, I believe that America might have a candidate who understands that.” While stopping short of giving his, and thus Jesus’, endorsement, Falwell testified that our nation could do far worse than John McCain. “Who would God want with their finger on ‘the button:’ a military man like Senator McCain, or a woman like Senator Clinton, who certainly has fingered a few buttons in her time, if you know what I mean.”
While McCain’s political resurrection is assuring to many who previously believed that he had “switched to the other team,” other presidential aspirants presented their own Jesus-loving bona fides. “I hate fags, too!” proclaimed Senator Bill Frist (R-TN,) who’s not only a doctor, but plays one on the Senate floor, too. “Besides, I know that God wants me to be President, just like God wanted George Bush to be President. I support the President, by the way. His numbers haven’t gone down today, have they?”
Equally indignant was Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA,) who appears to have foregone his re-election bid for a shot at the White House in 2008. “Where was John McCain when I was defending Terri Schiavo, and thus Jesus?” Santorum, a man so opposed to abortion that he has offered to create a federal program that would pay for all unwanted babies to attend private Virginia schools, wondered aloud if McCain’s sudden conversion wasn’t politically motivated. “Some people will do anything to get elected. Hey, did I mention that I’m a champion of the poor?”
While Senator McCain may have taken his first baby steps toward reconciliation with the GOP, party insiders have revealed that he still has a way to go. “I’ll believe that John McCain’s for real when he kills a Mexican with his own bare hands,” reasonably explained Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO.)
(Lynchburg, VA) Ever since the 2000 primary season, when an uppity John McCain (R-AZ) dared to challenge the inevitable coronation of George W. Bush, party faithful have openly wondered if the Arizona maverick is “one of us.” In a party where loyalty is admired and demanded much more than such trivial things as “competence” and “accountability,” McCain’s flirting with a spot on the 2004 Democratic ticket was akin to Judas-esque treason in the eyes of the GOP faithful. “Fu*k John McCain,” Vice President Dick Cheney broken-heartedly commented at the time. “He’s dead to me! Dead!”
It is often said that only Nixon could go to China, and it appears now that only McCain could thumb his malformed nose at those who gave him everything and still return with a chance to succeed The Greatest President Ever. This month McCain began to trek toward Republican rehabilitation by visiting Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, where he gave the commencement address and, reportedly, found Jesus. During his speech, scouted by star-makers Ken Mehlman and Karl Rove, McCain properly called on the graduating class to, “go forth and do the Lord’s work. Bash gays! Stop abortion, especially in the cases of rape and incest! Take the Crusade against the heathen horde up a notch!” McCain went on to thank Jesus and President Bush, “without whom I wouldn’t even be here.”
Also in the audience was a pleased Rev. Jerry Falwell, who spoke glowingly about McCain’s presidential aspirations in 2008. “As you all know, gays caused 9/11. Finally, I believe that America might have a candidate who understands that.” While stopping short of giving his, and thus Jesus’, endorsement, Falwell testified that our nation could do far worse than John McCain. “Who would God want with their finger on ‘the button:’ a military man like Senator McCain, or a woman like Senator Clinton, who certainly has fingered a few buttons in her time, if you know what I mean.”
While McCain’s political resurrection is assuring to many who previously believed that he had “switched to the other team,” other presidential aspirants presented their own Jesus-loving bona fides. “I hate fags, too!” proclaimed Senator Bill Frist (R-TN,) who’s not only a doctor, but plays one on the Senate floor, too. “Besides, I know that God wants me to be President, just like God wanted George Bush to be President. I support the President, by the way. His numbers haven’t gone down today, have they?”
Equally indignant was Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA,) who appears to have foregone his re-election bid for a shot at the White House in 2008. “Where was John McCain when I was defending Terri Schiavo, and thus Jesus?” Santorum, a man so opposed to abortion that he has offered to create a federal program that would pay for all unwanted babies to attend private Virginia schools, wondered aloud if McCain’s sudden conversion wasn’t politically motivated. “Some people will do anything to get elected. Hey, did I mention that I’m a champion of the poor?”
While Senator McCain may have taken his first baby steps toward reconciliation with the GOP, party insiders have revealed that he still has a way to go. “I’ll believe that John McCain’s for real when he kills a Mexican with his own bare hands,” reasonably explained Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO.)
posted by Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker at Saturday, May 27, 2006
7 Comments:
What is it about the presidency that makes a man willing to sell his soul?
BTW, that pathetic picture of McCain with his head on Bush's shoulder is all a Dem would need to beat him in 2008.
Have a good Memorial Day Weekend, Danger Seeker. I know how busy you are this weekend, given that in your Memorial Day prayers, you say the name of each and every American ever killed or injured in every war since the Revolution. How long does that take, anyway?
"Come on...give us a hug!"
That picture is going to give me nightmares. Eeeeewwwww!
Perhaps Santorum should focus on reimbursing Penn Hills for his kids'education as per their lawsuit...THEN worry about other kids and their schooling.
I think its sweet when men hug. I'm not ashamed to say I'm an avid man hugger.
Abi: Just reciting the names of those in the Danger-Seeker clan who willingly (and happily) died so that you could be free to mock me would take, oh, I don't know, awhile.
Kvatch: If you had confidence in your masculinity, a photo of genuine (heterosexual) affection between two men would not give you the heebie-jeebies. Grow up, man!
Emascuman: Ignore that last comment; man-hugs are indeed icky.
I perfer the photoshopped version where McCain is groping the Shrub's johnson,it just seems more realistic to me.
Dusty: C'mon, now, that's boderline slander!
I want to know where his other hand is . . .
and why, it seems, his hips appear to be thrusting? (kinda like a dog humping your leg)
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