Friday, June 02, 2006

SG DECLARES JUNE 18-24 “CONVERT A HIPPIE WEEK”

7 Lucky Liberals Take Rex’s Place (as if!) for a Day

(Orlando) Freedom not only isn’t free, it never takes a vacation. Nor, it seems, does Spurious George’s resident workaholic, Rex Kramer. He does, however, take time off from work to move his family from freedom-loving Orlando to…an even more freedom-loving section of Orlando (in the last election, 7% of rejectionists in his district voted Democratic, dropping property values significantly.) In fact, that’s exactly what Rex will be doing the week of June 18th-24th, and as a result, will be unable to bring his personal brand of Jesus-approved patriotism to the masses during that time (it’s ok to cry; we won’t think you’re too gay.)

Of course, Rex could have enlisted the help of cadre of conservative comrades in the pundit business to post patriotic preachings on this site in his stead, but no, that’s exactly what Howard Dean would expect him to do (besides, Rush has to go to the pharmacy…every day, it seems.) Instead, he has decided to thwart expectations by creating a social experiment reminiscent of FDR…no, wait, bad example…along the lines of J. Robert Oppenheimer! Instead of getting your America-loving fill from the usual sources, Rex will choose seven lucky liberals from the left-leaning blogosphere, who will, for just one day, slough off their hemp-stained skin and delve head (shoppe)-first into the cleansing baptismal waters of Patriotism Pond! That’s right, RexHeads©, each day for an entire week, under the banner of “Convert a Hippie Week,” the net’s most notorious, nattering nabobs of negativity will, no doubt through gritted teeth, attempt to write about something they love about America. Folks, this is akin to asking Ted Kennedy to lay off the hootch or Hillary Clinton to lay off the ho’s, but if anyone can pull it off, we know Rex can!

Now, you may be asking yourselves which internet insurgents will be allowed to enter the hallowed halls of Kramerica©. Good question, although you should know that no good conservative ever questions authority. The fact is that those chosen for this experiment have yet to be actually, um, chosen. That said, the Spurious George editorial staff knows exactly what it’s looking for: those further to the left than Russ Feingold’s lesbian aunt. While we have a few candidates in mind, we’re not above entertaining nominations from the hippie horde; so let’s hear it, hippies…who hates America the most?

“Winners” will be notified later this week. If you’re not selected, take solace in the fact that it was probably because you were deemed to not entirely hate everything about America. In any event, those selected will be required to submit one post concerning something (anything) they love about their country. Should be interesting.

Do you know a blogger who hates America more than any French waiter? Nominate them (or, God help you, yourself) in the comments section.

11 Comments:

Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

I nominate the following for your respectful consideration:

Dude@BlueRepublic: Unlike many liberal men who scorn the objectification of women, Dude has made this his mission. He also has a way of bringing even the most serious discussion back to his favorite topics: hookers, dope, body functions, and porn. He might wear a manskirt, but he's no stranger to chauvinism.

Lew Scannon: Lew Scannon can trace my missing Donnie Osmond lunchbox in grade school to the Bush family.

Pissed Off Patricia: because who the hell can resist a woman that calls herself that? Its frickin cool as hell!

Adorable Girlfriend: Sure she's adorable, but who's side is she on anyway? Sounds vaguely trashy. Good for traffic.

Graeme: Because we chicks just like him. He could write a summary of CSPAN and we would read it.

And... Rose! The Semi Sane Madwoman! because she rocks. She tells it.

June 03, 2006 12:29 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

All excellent candidates, as combined I think the group you nominated loves America about 1/100th as much as Osama!

June 03, 2006 10:01 AM  
Blogger EmascuMan said...

I think it should be women to promote their blog advancement.

I feel for your circumstantial challenges, Rex. I'm here if you need a hug.

June 03, 2006 1:01 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

It will be interesting to see your choices...

June 04, 2006 3:05 AM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

Contests are soooooo bourgeoisie!

(thanks Elizabeth, although you gave away my secret weapon, CSPAN)

June 04, 2006 4:03 AM  
Anonymous 7oneders said...

Wow, really interesting site.. and american! :D
Blog hopped from unspun

June 04, 2006 5:42 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

Folks, I can't stress enough that this isn't a "contest," but rather an intervention. Those invited will be among the worst of the worst (when it comes to America-hating.) Hopefully, putting their creative abilities to work creating a patriotic piece will make them see the error of their hippie ways.

June 04, 2006 7:49 AM  
Blogger Lew Scannon said...

That's right Lily, I have tracked your Donny Osmond lunchbox to Noelle Bush, who uses it to stash her crack and prescription pads.
But suggesting a super-patriot like Mr. Kramer needs help in determining who hates America the most is like asking a homophobe to pick out the gayest attendee at a Cher concert.

June 04, 2006 10:58 AM  
Anonymous gordo said...

rex--

I'd be happy to put a post up, if you'd like. You might also want to contact Matt Ortega from The Great Society. With a blog name like that, you just KNOW he hates America.

June 04, 2006 1:09 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth Branford said...

Scannon- you mean you FOUND it? Hey I used to keep my crack in there too! Wait, I'm old. I'm not sure crack was in the suburbs back in the seventies...

An intervention...hmm. Sounds ominous. Left of Center needs help. Big time. He's off his rocker.

June 04, 2006 2:30 PM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

So many hippies, so little time. Truly, I am overwhelmed with the response (both here and via e-mail) to the number of liberals who wish to get in touch with their America-loving side! In fact, I may have to extend the week (or at the very least, have a "Convert a Hippie Week II") due to the response.

Excuse me...I'm getting a little verklempt.

June 04, 2006 4:41 PM  

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