Friday, June 09, 2006

VERMONT: WELCOME TO HELL!

Gate to Satan’s Lair Opens in Howard Dean’s Backyard

(Wells River, VT) In hindsight, it now seems obvious that Howard Dean’s 2004 infamous scream was not the cry for psychiatric help once thought, but rather the result of a Satanic curse that compelled America’s pre-eminent freedom-hater to speak in tongues.

A gateway to hell that recently opened its hellish maw in the former governor’s backyard surprised few, as it has long been expected that the out-of-the-mainstream Dean long-ago sold his soul to Satan for the chance to be a “legitimate” player in national politics. The anticipated appearance of “hell’s hallway” in Vermont was shocking only in that it was so long in coming. “Quite frankly, I expected the devil would call in his note soon after Kerry accepted the nomination,” slurred Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA,) who has been avoiding the Dark Lord’s debt collectors for decades now. “If I know Satan, and trust me, I do, he’s always gonna get paid.” Kennedy then excused himself, and subsequently sacrificed the last remaining Massachusetts virgin on his Hyannisport stone altar.

While secular Vermonters have feebly described the hole that suddenly appeared on the grounds of the Dean estate as a collapsed septic system, credible sources contacted by Spurious George say otherwise. Senator Jim Jeffords (I-VT,) a longtime neighbor of Dean’s and someone who, despite leaving the Republican party, can probably still be trusted more than any Democrat, described hearing unearthly voices hauntingly echoing up from the nightmarish opening. “I distinctly heard FDR, JFK, and, I think, Hubert H. Humphrey, crying out in agony,” testified Jeffords. “While it was hard to hear exactly what they were saying, as rats were chewing on their entrails and all, I’m pretty sure I heard ‘Hillary in 2008!”

7 Comments:

Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

i don't know there was a virgin left in Massachusetts

June 09, 2006 4:00 AM  
Blogger sumo said...

LOL!

June 09, 2006 4:37 AM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

San Francisco officials expressed their dissappointment that, after lobbying Satan for many months, the Hell Maw was opened in Vermont.

June 09, 2006 9:19 AM  
Blogger glenda said...

You do have a way with words!

June 09, 2006 10:29 AM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Dude, what have you been drinking? Everyone knows those dead people all went to heaven. Hello? Heaven is in the sky not under a sewer problem. Geeezzz

June 09, 2006 4:03 PM  
Blogger I'm The Devil, Who The Hell Are You? said...

Sorry, not really meant to be a hallway, just a minor setback-we're expanding! You know those contractors, the more damage they do, the more they can soak you for if they ever complete the job. The "Hillary in 2008" is just a tape loop we use to torture Ronald reagan!

June 09, 2006 7:28 PM  
Blogger Hhana&Dhana said...

Hhana:One could only surmise that the collapse of the septic system could only be caused by lack of fodder therein
Dhana: Which patently indicates that Mr. Dean is full of crap!

June 09, 2006 11:42 PM  

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