VERMONT: WELCOME TO HELL!

Gate to Satan’s Lair Opens in Howard Dean’s Backyard

(Wells River, VT) In hindsight, it now seems obvious that Howard Dean’s 2004 infamous scream was not the cry for psychiatric help once thought, but rather the result of a Satanic curse that compelled America’s pre-eminent freedom-hater to speak in tongues.

A gateway to hell that recently opened its hellish maw in the former governor’s backyard surprised few, as it has long been expected that the out-of-the-mainstream Dean long-ago sold his soul to Satan for the chance to be a “legitimate” player in national politics. The anticipated appearance of “hell’s hallway” in Vermont was shocking only in that it was so long in coming. “Quite frankly, I expected the devil would call in his note soon after Kerry accepted the nomination,” slurred Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA,) who has been avoiding the Dark Lord’s debt collectors for decades now. “If I know Satan, and trust me, I do, he’s always gonna get paid.” Kennedy then excused himself, and subsequently sacrificed the last remaining Massachusetts virgin on his Hyannisport stone altar.

While secular Vermonters have feebly described the hole that suddenly appeared on the grounds of the Dean estate as a collapsed septic system, credible sources contacted by Spurious George say otherwise. Senator Jim Jeffords (I-VT,) a longtime neighbor of Dean’s and someone who, despite leaving the Republican party, can probably still be trusted more than any Democrat, described hearing unearthly voices hauntingly echoing up from the nightmarish opening. “I distinctly heard FDR, JFK, and, I think, Hubert H. Humphrey, crying out in agony,” testified Jeffords. “While it was hard to hear exactly what they were saying, as rats were chewing on their entrails and all, I’m pretty sure I heard ‘Hillary in 2008!”