JOHN MURTHA COUNTS CHICKENS

Cutter-and-Runner Wants House Leadership Role

(Washington) It is now clear to most right-thinking Americans that not only is Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) a chicken, but he also counts them before they hatch. Murtha, who many will recall led the cowardly movement to have our brave men and women in uniform withdrawn from Iraq before the mission there is truly accomplished, this week announced he’ll seek the House Majority Leader post in the unlikely event the Democrats take control of the House in November. “Our goal is to win the House back and if there's an open seat, I'm the candidate,” Murtha wrote in a letter sent, at the overburden taxpayers’ expense, to each of the few remaining Democrats in Congress.

Republicans who inadvertently received a copy of the letter were stunned, as most assumed the only goal of the Democratic Party was to have everyone hate America as much as they do. “I think it’s great that the other party has goals,” completely-innocent former House Leader Tom DeLay observed. “This is what America’s all about, after all: overreaching and falling humiliatingly short.” DeLay also added that the Democrats are so incompetent that he doubts they could find K Street with both hands in Jack Abramoff’s pockets.

Also questioning the abilities of the minority party was current (and future) Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH.) “Everybody wants the trappings of power, but when you get there you find out how hard the job is. Just ask my good friend, President Bush.” Boehner revealed that he and Bush often chat late into the night about how few comprehend the burden that comes with their positions. “The Democrats say they want the power? They want the power? They can’t HANDLE the power!!!”

As for Murtha, few believe that he’d have the support of his own pathetic party if (and that’s a mighty big ‘if’) the Democrats brainwash enough voters this mid-term election. “Congressman Murtha’s military record makes him unacceptably patriotic for the liberal faction that controls that party,” accurately assessed Karl Rove. “That same service, as we proved with John Kerry, also makes him unelectable. Frankly, I’d be surprised if he were elected dog catcher.”