GIBSON ON DUI: “JEWS MADE ME DO IT!”

Mourning Messiah’s Murder, Mel Met Manishevitz

(Los Angeles) While much of liberal and very-Jewish Hollywood has been damning patriotic and Christ-loving actor/director Mel Gibson for the anti-Semitic slurs he made during his recent DUI arrest, those close to the “Passion of the Christ” director have come forward to testify that his remarks were in fact a cry for help. “The more Mr. Gibson learned about how deceitfully the Lord had been betrayed, the more depressed he became. Even his $100 million dollar bank account couldn’t console him,” offered longtime Jewish friend, attorney Alan Dershowitz. “Sadly, he turned the water of his tears into wine for his liver. Ironically, it was Manishevitz wine that became his drink of choice.”

Dershowitz explained that when Gibson asked the arresting officer, “Are you a Jew?” he did so not with the intent of insulting the officer or the Jewish faith, but rather in the hope that the cop might have some of Gibson’s favorite drink readily available. “One wouldn’t ask, for example, an Irish flatfoot for a glass of Jewish wine. Whiskey? Absolutely! Beer? Without a doubt! I mean, everyone knows the ‘Micks’ are an alcoholic bunch!”

Gibson’s attorney further addressed other racist remarks the hero of three “Lethal Weapon” movies allegedly made, the most damning of which was, “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” According to Dershowitz, this accusation was aimed more at Gibson’s own faith than at the descendants of David. “As everyone knows, Christianity is merely the sequel to Judaism. Thus, by ‘blaming’ the Jews, he was merely pointing out that Christians bear some responsibility for man’s inhumanity toward man.” Dershowitz also pointed out that his client intended to say that it was actually the Islamic rejection of the Jews that created world-wide strife. “Clearly, this is the Muslims’ fault. Everyone knows they’re a peace-hating people.”

Gibson himself made no official comment, citing the Judeo-Christian right against self-incrimination, but through Dershowitz offered an apology for his misconstrued remarks. “I have nothing but brotherly love for my Jewish brothers, despite the fact that they killed Jesus Christ. I humbly ask for their prayers….if Jews pray, that is...for my recovery from my addiction to their delicious, Jesus-hating wine.”

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Sabbatical Accomplished, Rex Returns!

(Orlando) In a completely-spontaneous press conference attended exclusively by America’s brightest and bravest warriors in the War on Terror (i.e. Republican Congressional staffers,) new Spurious George spokesman Ari Fleischer today announced the news of every Christian-conservative’s second most-favorite promised return; that of Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker!) “Contrary to Howard Dean’s deepest, twisted desire, Rex Kramer is not dead,” dead-panned Fleischer, who gave up his promising stand-up career to be the face of a revamped Spurious George. “He has returned, and I should point out, is more America-loving than ever!”



Quieting chants of “Rex! Rex! Rex!” Fleischer went on to announce that coinciding with Kramer’s imminent return will be a new, improved SG site more befitting a pundit of his stature (approximately 6’2.) “The new site will be redder, bluer, but not necessarily whiter.” Fleischer explained that in keeping with the GOP’s compassionate conservative outreach to people of color, Spurious George would attempt to speak to a wider, yet still freedom-loving, audience. “I can assure you that Rex is ‘down with the brothers and sisters,’ so to speak, and the new site will reflect that.” The über-hip spokesman/playah the broke into an impromptu rap, the lyrics of which were mostly unintelligible.

A “Camp Casey”-wearing party crasher who asked the reason for Kramer’s Dave Chappelle-like disappearance was quickly escorted from the room and into a waiting armored Hummer, but Fleischer cheerfully responded. “Rex has been busy fighting the good, conservative fight…helping Rush Limbaugh with his addiction issues, Katherine Harris with her campaign issues, and Scooter Libby with his legal issues. I should also point out that for his efforts, Rex was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom…his seventeenth such award.”

While no firm date has been set for Kramer’s and Spurious George’s return, Fleischer assured all that the glorious event would be sooner rather than later. “Rex’s absence is in its last throes; I suspect it’ll be days rather than weeks.”