Monday, October 31, 2005

Greenspan: W Can Clean Brush Like Nobody's Business

(New Orleans) Outgoing Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, in a noble effort to infuse cash into the ravaged New Orleans economy, last night hosted his retirement party on the floor of the Superdome surrounded by hundreds of politicians of all stripes, financial titans that ranged between the millionaire and billionaire, and a few transvestite whores. “It takes all kinds to make an economy grow,” the 107 year-old wizard gurgles as he sipped champagne from the ample cleavage of Newt Gingrich. “Grow, muthafukah, grow!”

Greenspan, known throughout his career as a man who parsed his words with diplomatic skill, was increasing verbose as the night teetered on, buoyed as he was by several mimosas. “Reagan got me this gig, yes sir, he did, and, well, I loved that man. Except for the nose hair! Good God, it was like the Black Forest times two. With interest!” Greenspan went on to describe the Great Communicator as an innovator who “wasn’t afraid to stand up to business and say, ‘I’ll cut your taxes whether you like it or not!”

The inebriated economist spoke freely regarding other Presidents who did his bidding. On George H.W. Bush he reminisced, “Georgie broke my heart with that whole ‘no new taxes’ promise, but wow, could the man dance!” Clinton brought prosperity, but Greenspan was more impressed with his ability to produce unexpected windfalls. “Bubba had this thing for the pudgy chicks, which left the hot ones for me.”

When asked to speak about the current president’s economic acumen, however, Greenspan’s comments were less sparkling. “Well, W can sure clear brush.” With that, the most respected man in Washington took his leave in the arms of Chantilly, the Granny Tranny of the 9th Ward.

Scalia Flames Alito, Wannabes

(Lucedio, Italy) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, despite being a man of deep faith, has for several years now spent his Halloweens cloistered within the damp walls of the Abbey of Lecedio, a Dark Age macabre monastery where it is rumored the monks once worshipped Satan and to this day guard an ancient evil with their mummified bodies. “Pish-posh,” pooh-poohed Scalia while picking at his teeth with the splintered shinbone of a gypsy woman. “This place was Romper Room before I arrived. You want evil? You want Scalia!”

It seems Justice Scalia has a bone to pick with those who would compare potential Justices with him, especially when the issue is his steadfast embrace of all things dark. “Don’t get me wrong, this Alito guy has promise,” Scalia grudgingly growled as a flap of marrow hung from his maw, “but has he ever seen his enemies driven before him? Heard the lamentations of their women? I think not.”

Today President Bush nominated US Appeals Court Judge Samuel Alito, dubbed by some as “Scalitio” for his embrace of Justice Scalia’s reign of terror, to replace retiring Justice O’Conner as an Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court. While acknowledging that the President could have (and did) make a worse choice, Scalia questioned whether Bush considered other options.

“I mean, we have Saddam in custody, do we not?” The blood-spattered jurist rhetorically asked. “Now there’s a guy who knew how to take evil to the next level! I mean, those dirty Kurds never said boo when Uncle Saddam called the shots; imagine what he’d do with unwed teenage mothers! My God!” The Justice then excused himself, and was heard fumbling through kitchen drawers in search of a cleaver, as a mongrel dog had wandered into the abbey.

Upon return, a sedate Scalia was careful to avoid causing a rift with a man he may serve with for years to come. “I’m certain that Judge Alita will make an outstanding Supreme Court Justice in the years to come,” he mumbled through a fleshy dog mask. “Without doubt he is much more acceptable than that Miers fellow. I mean really, could you see her giving the go-ahead for legalized gay-bashing? I think you know what I mean.”

Chertoff: We'll Get To This Security "Thingy"

Honolulu) Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff interrupted his vacation on hurricane-free Oahu today to address criticism regarding the failure of his agency to meet several major deadlines set by Congress regarding post-9/11 security measures. Responding to reports that there still exist no plans to protect that nation’s infrastructure from terrorist attacks, Chertoff, smelling of coconut oil and virgin blood, blasted Congress for, “unrealistic expectations,” defended his agency by arguing that homeland security is “hard, real hard. I mean, c’mon, it’s a big country,” and mumbled that it was all “Clinton’s fault.” The director, his massive forehead furrowed, then effectively harrumphed and re-joined an orgy swarming with New Orleans refugee children.

When reached for comment at the Libby Defense War Room, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan repeated Chertoff’s assessment of the issue. “Congress once again overstepped their authority by legislating from the legislature. Clearly, this liberal-controlled body seeks to embarrass the President with their untenable deadlines.” When asked why, if the Congressionally-mandated deadlines were unrealistic, President Bush didn’t simply veto the acts, McClellan responded, “The President does not legislate from the White House. You see, Congress passes laws, and the President enforces them. I think it should be obvious by now that the President believes in the autonomy of the three branches of government.”

Osama bin Laden, coincidentally staying at the same Honolulu resort as Chertoff, reacted to the US government’s failures to protect its’ people with the same diplomatic mannerisms that have made him a sough guest at the best Washington parties. “Mikey’s right,” bin Laden cooed in perfect English, “it is a big country. But to be pragmatic, it’s not like I’m going to blow up corn silos in Nebraska. I mean, let’s be perfectly honest, I’m strictly a big-city guy.”