POLL: MARINES LOVE FREEDOM MOST

Army, Reserves Would Cut and Run

(Syracuse) A recent poll of America’s fighting forces has revealed that the failure of the liberals to adequately support them via prominently-displayed “ribbon magnets” and impromptu landings on aircraft carriers has finally taken its’ toll on the troops’ morale. According to the poll’s results, 72% of those serving with distinction in Iraq have now been at least partially brainwashed by the out-of-the-mainstream media and believe the US should make a disgraceful retreat within the next year.

The poll, which collected the opinions of those enlisted in the active-duty Army, Marine Corps, as well as reservist and national guardsman, found that the “weekend warriors” of the reserves and guard were more likely than their “regular” counterparts to be cowardly bitches; 89% of reservists and 82% of guardsmen would run away from their responsibilities like gay cowboys if given the chance. 70% of active-duty soldiers would do the same, but only 58% of the Jesus-loving Marines would favor leaving Iraq within a year (and only then if Osama was caught/killed and/or had his head ripped off and his neck shat in.)

Concerned by the poll’s finding, Marine Corps Commandant General Michael W. Hagee un-retired former drill sergeant R. Lee Ermey and charged the “ultimate Marine” with motivating the Corps. “Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit!” paternally encouraged the kindly Ermey in an inspirational message to 58% of the Marines stationed in the rapidly-stabilizing Iraqi theater. “I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!”

Not to be outdone, the Army flew retired staff sergeant Tom Berenger to the front lines of democracy, where he encouraged the rank and file to stay the course. Drawing on his own experience in Viietnam, “Old Sarge” admonished the troops, “Now, I got no fight... with any man who does what he's told. But when he don't, the machine breaks down. And when the machine breaks down, we break down. And I ain't gonna allow that... in any of you. Not one!” To prove his dedication to the cause, Berenger then smashed Willem DaFoe’s skull in with a sledgehammer.

Not all of the results of the poll were negative, however. 85% of those questioned correctly identified “retaliation for Saddam Hussein’s 9/11 attack” as the reason for the wildly-successful US liberation of Iraq. In addition, 77% knew that their presence in Iraq prevented al Qaeda from re-establishing their former stronghold in that nation.

SCALIA: GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE

SC Justice Attacks Media’s Portrayal of Misunderstood Firearms

(Nashville) Throughout his amazing life, America-loving Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has displayed respect for and encyclopedic knowledge of this country’s most sacred icon: the firearm. As a youth he attended a prestigious military school where he served with distinction on the rifle team, and although he was unfortunately too occupied with other priorities when he wished he could have been fighting the Viet Cong, he paid his debt to the defense of America by siring a West Point-graduate son. Scalia is an avid and expert hunter, and often forays in our nation’s government-protected forests with fellow patriotic government employees where they escape the pressures of making this country the greatest in the history of the planet.

It was with this body of knowledge that the six-shooting Scalia yesterday addressed a gathering of wild turkey hunters, and in a manner only a genius of his stature could, correctly asserted that “guns don’t kill people, the liberal media-manipulated message about guns kills people.”

"The attitude of people associating guns with nothing but crime, that is what has to be changed,*" charged the conservative king of the courts. “Guns are not like abortions, which have but one purpose; to kill.” Scalia went on to list other things guns are not like, such as gay marriage, socialized medicine, Congressional oversight, fat-free pudding, and hippies.

Scalia’s well-placed blame on the media for creating a false belief that guns are violent was lauded by other heroic defenders of the 2nd Amendment. “Look at my situation,” invited Texas attorney and famed quail hunter Harry Whittington, a man who, quite frankly, is difficult to look in the face. “The media blew up my little stupid mistake, for which I am completely to blame, into some kind of crusade against the all-American gun. Have these people no shame?”

Others believe the more pertinent question is, why does the media hate America? “I’m no Constitutional scholar,” humbly offered Constitutional scholar Charlton Heston, “but it would seem to me the firearm is the only item specifically protected by that blessed piece of paper. Do the hippies in the media hate guns and the Constitution? Why can’t they just keep their damn, dirty paws off our rights?”

Scalia’s call to action did not fall on deaf ears in Washington. Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,) who as a doctor knows that bad acid kills far more Americans than guns every year, announced he will sponsor a “Defense of Guns Act” that will prohibit all mention of gun violence in the media. The act, certain to be passed by a Republican Congress that believes in little things like life, liberty and the pursuit of kick-assedness, would punish violators with heavy fines, rendition, and/or death by a firing squad.

* - Indicates Actual Quote

COULTER: LIBERALS HATE GOD, AMERICA

Hippies Hound Hottie in the Heartland

(Bloomington, IN) Throughout the course of human history, mankind’s greatest ground-breaking philosophers (Jesus, Martin Luther King, Richard Nixon, etc) have been persecuted by nattering nabobs of nay-saying negativity. And although crucifixion, assassination and forced resignation were avoided Thursday night on the campus of Indiana University, comely conservative commentator Ann Coulter clearly joined the exalted ranks of geniuses born before their time. “Liberals hate God and hate America*,” truthfully sermonized Coulter in words that no doubt will someday be included in the Newer Testament.

As might be expected in a state that has yet to erect a single monument in recognition of Dan Quayle’s contributions to democracy, Coulter’s wisdom was jeered by a number of hippies in the audience. One such rejectionist, who as an unemployed single welfare mother of eight has plenty of time to heckle those more patriotic than herself, inexplicably called on Coulter to “go back to Germany*.” This hayseed Hooiser hippie only revealed her own public-school ignorance, as the stunning Miss Coulter is of Irish descent, and was born and raised American as can be.

Outbursts of ill-informed “free speech” are usually and correctly suppressed at Coulter’s rallys. However, it appears security for the event was compromised by a sleeper cell of fanatic America-haters. "You guys are doing a great job.*" she said sarcastically later to auditorium ushers. "I guess they did hire Democrats as ushers.*"

Unfortunately, this is not the first time so-called “students” have acted like Ted Kennedy at an open-bar sorority mixer while in the presence of Adorable Ann. As Spurious George exclusively reported in its’ December 8, 2005 edition (link not available,) students under-educated in the undeniable genius of conservatism at the liberal bastion University of Connecticut dared question the pearls of truth that flowed from the goddess’ mouth. Coulter won the day by defeating the enemy combatants with tests of strength, intelligence and beauty. The humble hottie later admitted that these challenges were hardly fair, as Connecticut is clearly the weakest, dumbest and ugliest of the 50 states.

Addressing the attractiveness of the Indiana audience, Coulter accurately opined, “"I think we should have saved the ushers some time and just removed all the ugly people*.” Moments later, a battalion of expertly-trained Iraqi soldiers (one of hundreds now ready to defend their country from insurgents) swooped in and did just that. While it was later rumored that the ejected “facially-challenged” traitors were rendered to Yemen for interrogation, administration officials, citing national security, declined to comment.

Not everything Coulter preached, however, was derided by the assembled America-haters. The freedom-loving and fantasy-inspiring philosopher drew applause when she complimented Indiana’s Senator Evan Bayh when she decreed, "Evan Bayh isn't as insane as other Democrats," she said. "But he certainly isn't as good as the worst Republican.*" Although it could not be immediately confirmed, Bayh’s staff is said to be considering using Coulter’s description as a rallying cry in his quest for the 2008 Democratic nomination.



* - Indicates actual quotes

IF IT'S SATURDAY, IT MUST BE...

...I'm Too Lazy To Write Day!!!

But you can still get your fill of America-loving patriotism by visiting:

Today @ The Blue Republic

NEW YORK TO HOST “HIPPY-PALOOZA”

“Hillary Town” Welcomes America’s America-Haters

(New York) When the GOP held their 2004 national convention in New York City, they did so in the hope that one of the last bastions of America-hating would see the error of their rejectionist ways and finally embrace the undeniable logic of compassionate conservatism. Sadly, it appears that the “city that never sleeps” is also the city that never stops cutting and running, as the modern-day Gomorrah has agreed to host a futile anti-war concert featuring some of the leading names in freedom-hating.

The defeatist “Bring ‘Em Home Now” concert will be held at the city’s Hammerstein Ballroom, a favorite hangout amongst the town’s fringe elements, on March 20th…the 3rd anniversary of the opening salvos in our great nation’s liberation of the Iraqi people. The show, headlined by alternatively-lifestyled alternative rocker Michael Stipe of the band R.E.M. (“Really Enjoys Men,”) aims to give aid and comfort to the enemy by treasonously calling for a humiliating US retreat from Iraq. Stipe will be joined on stage by gangsta-rapper and Air America “talent” Chuck D, a man so ashamed of his anti-patriotism that he refuses to divulge his Christian name, as well as the second-most famous traitor alive today.

“Cindy Sheehan will be the master of ceremonies,” announced concert promoter and America’s most-famous traitor Michael Moore. Sheehan, who milked the heroic death of her son Casey for her 15 minutes of fame, has been compared by some to a former reality show contestant who clings pathetically to her D-list celebrity status. “As the living symbol of America’s vibrant anti-war movement, Cindy’s presence ensures that this event won’t turn into some kind of freak show.” Moore later admitted that Senator John Kerry had earlier decided to host the concert, before he decided against it. Moore also confessed that Sean Penn was later approached about accepting the master of ceremonies duties, but that he decided he could hurt America less by joining al Queda.

Concert organizers report that initial ticket sales have been sluggish, but they hope that a Hillary Clinton fundraiser scheduled for the same day will draw in the kind of America-haters that constitute the show’s target audience.

CIVIL WAR? SO WHAT?

Internal Strife Only Makes Nations Stronger

(Basra) Lost among the out-of-the-mainstream media’s exaggerated and America-hating reports of violence between Iraq’s Shiites and Sunnis is the lesson that history has proven time and time again: blood spilled in civil war only oils the cogs of sweet freedom. While, to the unimaginative liberal, the recent outburst in intra-faith hostilities may appear to represent a substantial setback in President Bush’s brilliant plan for a peaceful, democratic Middle East, experts say that Iraq is merely experiencing the awkward stage of adolescence necessary for the nation to bloom into a beautiful, hormonally-charged democracy.

Richard B. Cheney, esteemed Heritage Foundation scholar and a man in no way related to the Vice President, says he sees a lot of 1860’s America in today’s Iraq. “Like the conflict between sects in Iraq, we once passionately disagreed amongst ourselves over trivial differences,” summarized Cheney, who not once has mistaken a lawyer for a quail. “While I’m sure the War Between the States seemed like a big deal at the time, I think it would be a major understatement to say things worked out well in the end.”

Echoed White House press secretary Scott McClellan, “The President predicts that 100 years from now, pudgy middle-aged Iraqi men will gather on the weekend and re-enact the skirmishes being fought today.” McClellan, an honorary colonel in the Second Army of the Potomac, knows better than most the seeds of brotherhood are best nurtured with armed conflict. “Last year, after our annual re-creation of Bull Run, Union and Confederate soldier alike sat down together in peace at a local Hooters, where there was much joyous eating of wings and respectful ogling of scantily-clad women. Surely, once the Shiite and the Sunni work out their minor disagreements, they will break bread together at whatever American franchised-restaurant that hasn’t yet been burned to the ground.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice knows that, if not for America’s own growing pains, she might be harvesting cotton instead of allies. “Had our country avoided inevitable conflict, someone in my position could very well find herself doing the bidding of a rich, white male in a big, white house, who justified his inherited position of superiority as having been pre-ordained by God.”

Pundits who have bravely watched the conflict from a detached distance, such as the Fox Foundation’s Bill O’Reilly, point out that Iraq’s post-hostilities era has the potential to be superior to America’s reconstruction period. “Our little brown brothers in Iraq have the benefit of having Uncle Sam there to make sure all goes smoothly. I ask you, was there a benevolent superpower at Appomattox? I think not.”

S. DAKOTA: SAFE HAVEN FOR EMBRYOS

Lays Claim to “Most Jesus-Loving State”

(Pierre, SD) State senators in South Dakota, clearly the more Christian of the Dakotas, today passed a bill that would ban most abortions in which a human female is impregnated by a human male (cows knocked up by their loving dairy farmers would be allowed to terminate the pregnancy if it affects milk production.) The bill, sponsored by a Democrat who surprisingly does not support a woman’s “right” to murder her child, must next pass the state House before being forwarded to the desk of Governor Mike Rounds. However, patriotic pro-lifers in Pierre believe these steps are mere formalities, as Rounds recently announced that he will sign the bill with a pen custom-made from the bones of a justifiably-murdered abortion clinic doctor.

“It is the time for the South Dakota Legislature to deal with this issue and protect the lives and rights of unborn children," heroically avered Sen. Julie Bartling, who broke free of her Democratic masters on this most important issue. “The people of South Dakota should know that if ever someone gets drunk enough to have sex with me and my womb is blessed with child, I will not have the option to exercise any amount of free will in regards to my own body.” Bartling then offered to put her beliefs to the test with any man within the sound of her voice, but it was later learned that every eligible bachelor in the state simultaneously developed a “killer headache.”

Across the nation, reaction to South Dakota’s bold move was divided among party lines. In baby-hating New York, former President Bill Clinton expressed surprise that there were “so many loose chicks” in South Dakota, and announced that he would immediately relocate to Pierre. In Virginia, moral compass of the nation Pat Robertson spoke for Jesus when we promised that, in light of the measure and the 2004 ouster of former Senator Tom Daschle, South Dakota would be “smite-free” until at least the next general election. On the steps of the US Supreme Court, the completely-impartial Justice Samuel Alito promised that if the South Dakota law is challenged in his court, he would give equal consideration to “both the Jesus-loving state, and those who would, in an affront to God and all things good and decent, advocate the torturous murder of the unborn based upon the deeply-flawed ‘precedent’ of Roe versus Wade.”

As expected, the mass-murderers at Planned Parenthood have threatened to file a frivolous lawsuit if the South Dakota Senate’s bill is passed into law. State officials, however, expressed confidence that the measure will pass any test of Constitutionality. “I have consulted with the Justice Department, and Attorney General Gonzales has assured me that this bill kicks ass,” understated Governor Rounds. “In addition, I posed to the Attorney General other laws we are considering, including making homosexuality and membership in the Democratic Party capital offenses, expanding the treason statutes to include peace protests and any criticism of the President, as well as making Christianity the official faith of the state. Although we were speaking by phone, I’m almost certain I heard him stifle tears of joy.”

BUSH: OIL “A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER”

“War on Foreign Oil©” Elevates Threat Level

(Milwaukee) In his State of the Union address that many accurately described as an “Intervention with America,” President Bush in his compassionate conservative way confronted Americans with their own addiction to foreign oil. Left unsaid was the logical extension of his accusation; that there would be no oil abuse if there were no shifty oil pushers. The rogue nations that force their black poison upon unsuspecting US victims, however, were addressed today by the President, who added to the charges of illicit oil-dealing a substantiated accusation of terrorism.

“We’re held hostage for energy by foreign nations that may not like us,*” bravely asserted Bush, who keeps a constantly-updated list of countries that have inexplicably thus far failed to pledge their undying and unconditional love for all things American. “As your President, I have the Constitutional authority to declare these evil nations a clear and present threat to the security of the United States, and I’m exercising that authority. Or is it exorcising, like that Linda Blair fella? Man, that movie gave me the willies. Of course, me and Jeb was coked out of our skulls when we saw it. Hehehe. Thank Jesus the hookers daddy hired us was there to calm us down with oral sex. Man, those hookers was hot! Of course, that might’ve been the blow talking. Hard to say. May God continue to bless America!”


Returning to Washington, President Bush cited his own speech as evidence that foreign oil constituted a weapon of mass destruction, and during an intermission in the White House showing of Curious George declared a “War on Foreign Oil©.” While the President, eager to return to be entertained by the monkey’s zany antics, did not specify how this war would be fought, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice later clarified that, “all options are on the table.”

“Look at the leading exporters of evil oil, or as I call it, ‘Black Death,” ordered Rice, who, coincidentally, had that very same nickname bestowed on her by the President upon her ascension to the State Department. “Iran, Venezuela, Iran, Qatar, Iran…a ‘who’s who’ of international America-hating. While we will continue to work with our allies to put pressure on these criminal nations, military action can not be ruled out.”

At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured the small minority of Americans who disapprove of unilateral armed aggression that any conflict would be short and sweet, and yet shocking and awesome. “I think we’re talking about days or weeks, certainly not months.” Rumsfeld further pledged that any attack would be aimed at liberating the country’s oil from the merchants of death that currently possess it. “You see, once we control the oil, it’s no longer foreign oil. Thus, it is inherently less evil.” According to the Pentagon’s plan, all seized oil would be collected by patriotic experts in the industry such as Halliburton. “You can always trust those good folks to look out for what’s best for America,” truthfully asserted Rumsfeld.

* - Indicates Actual Quote

SG GIVES HIPPIES THEIR DUE

America-Hating Bloggers to be Recognized, Possibly Detained

(Orlando) When the founding fathers of Spurious George, the first and last words in all things America-loving, gathered long ago to establish SG’s guiding principles, words like “fair” and “balanced” were bandied about. Ultimately, and due in no small part to the threat of a copyright infringement lawsuit, these ideals were discarded in favor of the more moderate and generic phrase, “We’ll let the hippies live as long as they don’t piss us off too much.” While sales of bumper stickers with that slogan have been somewhat sluggish, it nevertheless has served as underlying theme for everything Spurious George has accomplished since…from the distribution of anointed oil-laced marijuana to the establishment of Hippie Re-Education Camps.

It was in that same spirit of “can’t-we-all-get-alongism” that the SG Hippie Relations Office today announced the creation of the America-Hating Awards (A-HA!s) to recognize the misguided efforts of the left side of the blogosphere. In cooperation with America’s leading intelligence-gathering and law-enforcement agencies, Spurious George will bestow monthly acknowledgements in the following categories:



Most America-Hating Blog: Awarded to the site that consistently bad-mouths the unassailable wisdom of the Bush administration, the unflappable moral certainty of the Republican-dominated Congress, the righteous decisiveness of a strict-constructionist judiciary, or Jesus.

Most America-Hating Post: Bequeathed to a singularly unpatriotic posting and based upon an intelligent design-approved mathematical formula that takes into account such x-factors as liberalism, leftism, socialism, communism, and hippieism.

Most America-Hating Artwork: Spurious George doesn’t know art, but they know what they hate. Considered pieces can come in any medium, but must convey the artist’s inner disdain for all things that make this country great (i.e. conservatism, Jesus, Ann Coulter.)

Monthly A-HA! winners will be eligible for the annual prize, to be awarded at the J. Edgar Hoover Building in Washington on the same date as the 2007 Academy Awards. Nominations for the March 2006 monthly awards will be accepted beginning March 1st, albeit at a currently-under-construction website (the SG’s servers, handling as they do millions of “hits” per day, are already running at maximum capacity.) In the interim, loyal Spurious George readers are encouraged to make suggestions in the comments section below.

JACOBELLIS: A LESSON FOR AMERICA

Olympic Loser a Wake-Up Call for Many

(Turin, Italy) High-ranking patriots in the Bush administration, unlike the vast majority of Americans, are watching the Winter Olympic Games…not for “the spirit of athletic competition” of something gay like that, but rather for the purpose of keeping a close, post-9/11-world eye on the rest of the world. Some of what they have learned will come as no great surprise to those who love America (specifically, Iran sucks at downhill skiing and you can learn all you need to know about Canada by watching curling,) it was a single gaffe on the part of an obviously-stoned American girl that provided the greatest lesson of these Games.

Snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis’ un-America-like hubris at the end of the “snowboardcross” (is that even a word?) final may have cost her the gold medal and the love and respect of her friends and family, but according to many the show-boating snowboarder’s humiliation may inspire Americans to keep their own well-earned cockiness in check. “America has always, and will continue for at least through the end of 2008, kicked the world’s ass,” accurately asserted Treasury Secretary John Snow. “What ‘alternative-lifestyle Lindsey’ showed us, however, is that we can not rest on our laurels.” Snow strongly suggested that Congress should make President Bush’s brilliant tax cuts permanent and thus ensure America’s ability to avoid wiping out on the slopes of a very competitive world market.

Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao who, despite her commie surname very much loves America, also divined meaning from the lowest point in Jacobellis’ life. “I compare Lyndsey to the average unionized American worker; fattened by excessive wages, made lazy by guaranteed benefits, and willing to bring America down to her level.” While Chao boasts that Americans currently have the highest standard of living in the world, she warns that unless domestic workers are willing to make minor sacrifices, they will soon be doing the dry cleaning and gardening for Chinese masters. “Why is China’s economy booming? Simple: no unions! Unburdened by whiney worker demands, Bejing will at some time in the future…after President Bush leaves office, of course…become the world’s pre-eminent economic power.”

“You go to the Olympics with the snowboarders you have, not the ones you wish you had. That’s the lesson I take from Miss Jacobellis’ stupidity,” righteously opined Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “Sure, we wish we could’ve gone into Iraq and could go into Iran with Death Stars and light sabers, and we will, if Congress approves the President’s 2007 budget.” Critics have attacked Bush’s budget, which calls for massive spending increases for the Pentagon while making minor spending cuts in education and healthcare. “Will school children make America safe from terrorists?” rhetorically asked the stoic Secretary. “Lindsey Jacobellis was once a school child, and she can’t even stand up on her own two feet!”

SHAMELESS PROMOTION UPDATE

“I’M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!”

Bush Visits FL, Hints at Post-2008 Plans

(Orlando) Orlando, home to such American icons as Disney World, tax-free incomes and Spurious George, went into patriotic vapor lock with the arrival of the American icon, President George W. Bush. In a state he carried twice and in which he enjoys a 99.97% approval rating, the President was greeted on the runway by his brother and heir-apparent Governor Jeb Bush with a firm, manly handshake and a crisp salute. “I know he’s my brother and all,” the Governor was heard to say, “but damn, isn’t he magnificent?”

It would appear that the people of this freedom-loving city agreed with that understatement, as they thronged by the millions wherever the President traveled, welcoming him not as a conqueror, but as a hero. At his first stop at a local elementary school, Bush re-created his brave 9/11 reading of the classic “My Pet Goat,” and explained to students how his proposed budget that calls for $12.7 billion cuts in funding for education will ultimately benefit them. “You see, I believe that children are our future. In the future, unlike the present or the past, people will not expect things to be handed to them. Things like education. People will have to earn things like education. May God continue to bless America.”



Leaving the children behind, the presidential procession of patriotism motored onto Winter Park’s VA Hospital, where he was warmly greeted by his fellow Vietnam veterans, some of whom may have served with and been disgusted by Sen. John Kerry (D-MA.) In a speech before his band of brothers, Bush humbly announced a massive increase in Veteran’s Affairs spending, most of which will be dedicated to expanding health care services for those who fought for the freedoms most liberals take for granted. “Thanks to this administration, and with the support of a sizeable minority of Americans, we now have more disabled veterans than at any time since the early 1970’s,” proudly announced the first President to support our troops since his father was in office. “And so you see, we need more hospital beds, more artificial limbs, more, I don’t know, medical stuff. This stuff, like freedom, isn’t free. May God continue to bless America.”

From there Bush traveled in an armored hybrid-powered Humvee to Disney’s Animal Kingdom, where he marveled at Florida’s diverse population of indigenous animals. Correctly remarking that “those who say urban sprawl is uncontrolled in Central Florida have not seen, as I have, the healthy populations of native Florida zebra and subtropical elephant that roam free here,” Bush also took time during his stop to needlessly defend his modest cuts in spending for healthcare and the environment. “Those of us who believe in intelligent design know that God doesn’t need government’s help in healing folks or critters. To suggest otherwise only serves to bring aid and comfort to God’s enemies. May God continue to bless America. Oh, and God.”

The President’s final stop was at an impromptu GOP fundraiser hosted by Spurious George’s own Rex Kramer at his humble quail-hunting ranch. After being loosened up by a few tonic waters and a slice or two of Mrs. Danger-Seeker’s famous American cherry pie (don’t tell Laura; he’s on a diet,) Bush confided that once his glorious reign sadly comes to an end, he may make the Sunshine State his permanent home. “Heck, maybe Jeb and I will just switch jobs,” half-joked America’s greatest living President. “If God blesses America, and you just know that he does, I’m certain that’s what He wants.”

WHY DOES MY COMPUTER HATE AMERICA?

SG's Own Rex Kramer Questions His PC's Patriotism

Like the Democratic Party, of late Rex Kramer's computer has been sluggish and lacking the ability to connect. Fearing that it was, again like the Democrats, beginning to hate America, he sent in the Marines in the form of a shocking and awesome mother of all anti-virus programs. The result? Mission accomplished, baby! Those insurgent viruses (virusi?) were hunted down and killed like the rejectionist cretins they are! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Alas, even victory comes with a price (as all right-thinking Americans know, freedom is far from free.) While Rex's customized, red-white-and-blue American-made machine was as immune from terrorist attack as our nation has been for four-plus years now, it was also immune from such things as a working cable modem and a functioning net-based phone. Rex has always been willing to trade a few freedoms for better security, but with no connection to the outside world he risked denying patriots everywhere the benefit of his inspiring words! This, of course, would not do.

Thus, Rex extended a call...ok, multiple calls...to the Coalition of the Willing (although, not one of the overly able.) Experts in Bangladesh, Bhurma, Laos, Algeria, Peru, Lichtenstein, and Antarctica all tossed their 2 cents (or rupees) in, but eventually it was a red-stater Floridian at all-American Bright House Networks who came through and suggested...that Rex uninstall the aforementioned software. And while that did the trick, Rex found the fact that he even mentioned such a super-secret program extremely irresponsible, and an act that might give aid and comfort to our enemies.

In any event, thanks to good old America know-how and a cell phone bill larger than the GNP of the entire African continent, Rex will return tomorrow better, stronger and more virus-prone than ever!

CHENEY MEA CULPAS TO MUSIC!

Vice President Explains Traumatic Experience Through Song

(Corpus Christi, TX) Vice President Dick Cheney, clearly traumatized by the injury his friend Harry Whittington suffered as a result of the prominent Austin attorney’s own negligence, today addressed the nation in a fair-and-balanced interview seen by billions on Fox News. While this act fulfilled his duty to keep the nation informed, in a timely manner, of his minor involvement in the incident, on the advice of White House trauma counselor Karl Rove Cheney expressed his deep sorrow through the cleansing power of music. The Vice President, as a heterosexual, can not sing, and so he asked his good friend and unofficial spokesperson Katharine Armstrong to use her inspiring voice to convey the depth of his emotions. Ever the patriot, Armstrong agreed, and moved millions with her rendition of Cheney’s lyrics, as sung to the tune of “I Fought the Law.”

I was shooting quails in the hot sun
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun
We were having so much fun
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun

I shot my buddy and I feel so bad
I just wanted to run
He’s the best flusher I ever had
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun

Now I’m back in Washington
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun
What a wasted vacation!
I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun

I shot a donor and I feel so bad
But what’s done is done
Let’s go bomb us Baghdad!

I shot the gun at Whittington
I shot the gun and his head spun
I eventually called up Washington
Called up Rove n’ said, ‘we’re done’
He said this don’t matter none
We’ll spin this til’ it can’t be spun
Just don’t wake up “number one!”

LOVE, REPUBLICAN STYLE

Barbara Bush Shares Her Secrets for Hot, Neocon Lovin’

Ed. Note: Every year on Valentine’s Day since 1988, Spurious George cedes control of this space to the country’s compassionate conservative of cupid-concerned questions, Barbara “Hot Mama” Bush. Ignore her amorous advice at your own risk!

Well, howdy all, and happy V-Day from your white-haired woman of wunder-“Bar” wisdom, Barbara Bush (you just call me “Hot Mama!”) Isn’t Valentine’s Day just wonderful? I mean, even those who lost their homes and family in New Orleans must feel quite fortunate today, even if their loved ones are all dead. But let’s not waste our beautiful minds on such morose matters; those who are dead are beyond help. Let’s concentrate our prayers and my considerable talents on helping the living…the living, but yet sadly lovelorn.

“Dear Bar: I fear my heart is in its last throes. I love a man who’s far away in Texas, and whom I wish I could just quit. Every year we meet for a weekend getaway, and even though we’re approximately 14 hours away from any form of communication, I just feel the whole world is watching me when I try to tell him how I feel. Worse, while he gives me money every four years or so, I’m not sure if he really cares. -Dick C in Undisclosed Location.”

Well, Dick, I think your biggest obstacle is having a boy’s name. No real Texas man wants to get intimate with a “Dick.” Once you’ve changed your name, why not suggest the two of you do something he enjoys? Maybe something manly like, oh, I don’t know, quail hunting! When you two love birds are alone, sneak up close behind him and make “accidental” contact (men love it when women get aggressive.) Maybe give him a few love taps, but nothing that’d cause any life-threatening injury.

“Dear Hot Mama: I’m a successful, intelligent career woman who looks breathtaking in high-end shoes or a flight suit, and yet I’m afraid I’ve made the oldest of romantic faux pas…I’ve fallen in love with my (married) boss. I’ve tried to hide my feelings for him, but to no avail. A powerful man, every decision he makes is insightful, well thought-out and patriotic as hell! Forgive me, but whenever he says ‘nucular’ I get in tingle in my unmentionables (don’t even get me started on what happens when he mentions ‘defeatists!’) I don’t want to be known as the “Secretary of Home-Wrecking,” but I can’t help but feel that God wants us to be together. Are all options on the table? -Condi in Conundrum”

You, my dear, are a dirty whore! You remind me of this slutty bitch that works for my Georgie (I’m too much of a lady to name names, but hers rhymes with ‘Fondopeeza Mice.’) Every night like a good boy he calls his mama and tells me all about the colored woman with a goofy smile who wants to get into his Fruit of the Looms. I mean, he pulled this woman up from whatever ghetto she was selling drugs in, and what does he get for it? Constant x-rated ebonic sexual harassment, that’s what! Condi (if that is your real name,) I suggest you find Jesus, and when you do, ask him to kick you in your over-sized ass. Bitch.

“Dear BB: When my husband was the family bread-winner, I bit my long, probing tongue when he cheated on me, but now that he’s unemployed and I’m wearing the pants I’m about to put my Doc Martins down! I swear, Hot Mama (are you really hot?) I’m so angry I’ve learned to hate all men! My friends tell me I should just lick my problem, take the dive and leave him, but I’m not so sure. I have rented a separate place in the Village (a cute little thing with no closets,) but thus far have only used it to host weekly ‘L-Word’ parties. Should I continue to stick my finger in the dike of my marriage, or strap on some courage and move on? –Carpetbagging and Confused”

Hillary my dear, enough with the pseudonyms. Just come out of the closet, enjoy your short hedonistic life and your eternity in hell.

Well, peons, that’s all the time my beautiful mind has for you little people. Until next year, ta-ta!

ENJOY THE CHENEY EXPERIENCE!

Online Game Puts You Into The VP's World

There's no way I can be the first to stumble over this, but if I am, I want the damn credit!

Quail Hunting Game

Alcohol, quail and accidental shootings. Sweet Jesus, this is funny. Make sure your speakers are on.

!!!BREAKING NEWS ALERT!!!

Vice President Shoots Lawyer in Self-Defense

(Corpus Christi, TX) Although details are still sketchy at this hour, Spurious George has confirmed that the man Vice President Dick Cheney shot with his Second Amendment-protected shotgun was an attorney who some say was a proponent of frivolous lawsuits. While it is SG’s policy to not comment on open investigations, it appears likely that Cheney was acting in self-defense when he plugged Harry Whittington “plum full o’ holes.”

Cheney’s attorney and US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, a veteran of several of the Vice President’s hunting expeditions, reported that it is not uncommon for Cheney’s rare vacations to be interrupted by any number of America-haters. “Last summer it was those incompetents from FEMA whining about ‘Katrina-this’ and ‘debacle-that.’ Honestly, I’m amazed we even got five days of decent fishing in.”



This time, however, it appears the interloper had something more heinous than the drowning of an American city on his mind. Judiciously stated Scalia, “This Whittington fella, well, he trespassed on private property and starts screaming about suing the federal government over the clearly lawful warrantless searches. If that wasn’t enough, and trust me, it was, he was wearing a ‘Hillary in 2008’ sandwich board. My God, he had it coming.”

Confirming Scalia’s testimony was the biblical voice of Charlton Heston, who knows a thing or two about defending himself. “The damn dirty ape presented a clear and present danger not only to the Vice President, but to America! Damn that maniac…damn him all to hell!” Heston added that Cheney, an expert shot ever since his first tour in Vietnam and a dedicated pacifist, intended only to “wing” the assailant, but failed to do so when the cowardly Whittington hid behind the campaign sign he was carrying. Suggested Heston, “If I were campaigning for Hillary, I might consider wearing kevlar, and lots of it!”

Authorities in Kenedy County, Texas have not indicated whether or not Cheney will be charged with any crime, as shooting a lawyer in that part of the state usually only results in a small fine. In any event, Whittington should thank Jesus (or whoever it is he prays to) that the man he attacked was Dick Cheney. Reported Katharine Armstrong, owner of the property on which the patriotic posse was hunting, ““Fortunately, the vice president has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been*,” she said. “The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came.*”

* - Indicates actual quote

LAURA TO HILLARY: “BRING IT ON”

First Lady Questions Senator’s Patriotism, Sexuality

(Torino, Italy) As a devoted Christian, First Lady Laura Bush has always turned the other cheek when some misinformed troglodyte attacks her character, but when her brave and brilliant husband is questioned (or worse, America is,) she is as deadly as a B-1 bomber loaded for bear. Yesterday in a rare baring of her claws, the First Lady rightfully took umbrage at recent treasonous comments made by former First “Lady” and current carpetbagger Hillary Clinton. Calling Clinton’s recent America-hating attacks on the President “out of bounds,” Bush hinted that as long as Clinton was “out” she should also consider coming “all the way out.”

“Really, who does she think she’s kidding?” asked Bush in her trademark southern lilt that has melted the hearts of men from Texas to Torino. “I mean, the business suits? The ‘man-hands,’ the hair? I see the way she looks at Barbara and Jenna. I think it’s high time America calls Hillary out on the carpet and see if she munches it.” Bush, ultra-feminine in her pink and white snowsuit (American-made, of course,) then excused herself so that she could attend a tea party with spouses of lesser heads-of-state.



As expected, America is siding with Mrs. Bush on this issue. The latest Gallop Poll shows that the current First Lady unsurprisingly has an 82% approval rating (by mere coincidence, the same approval rating enjoyed by her husband according to every Fox News poll ever conducted.) The same poll revealed that there exists strong support for a Senate run by the President’s wife. However, a spokesman for Bush dismissed any future campaign for office. “The First Lady, unlike a certain former First Lady, knows that politics is a man’s world. Mrs. Bush is more than content to smile, look pretty, and dote on her future grandchildren.”

Senator Clinton, whose approval rating among Americans is more than likely the same as Osama bin Laden’s, interrupted her weekly tennis match with Martina Navratilova to address Bush’s remarks with her trademark anger. “As attractive as the First Lady is, and make no mistake, she’s a yummy piece of sponge cake, when in comes to politics she’s merely eye candy. Hot, sexy eye candy, but still.”

Apprised of the heightening tension between the two women, Fox networks executives quickly pitched a pilot concept to representatives of both camps. “We, like Senator, could go many ways with this,” explained Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch. “Sitcom, reality show, hell, maybe even a nude mud-wrestling event! Tell me every man in America wouldn’t want to see Laura Bush in the buff! As for Hillary, well, the last time I checked the lesbian market still watches commercials!”

BUSH ILLEGALLY WIRETAPPED!

Confidential Conversation Intercepted by Liberal Media

(Cambridge, Maryland) Prior to speaking before a congregation of patriotic Republican lawmakers, and in a setting where he had a reasonable expectation of privacy, sensitive comments made by President Bush that in no way were related to any planned terrorist act were intercepted by members of the far-out-of-the-mainstream press. Even the socialist-leaning CNN felt compelled to call out their colleagues on this cowardly act:

"I want to share some thoughts with you before I answer your questions,*" said Bush, unaware that microphones were still on and were transmitting his comments back to the White House press room. "First of all, I expect this conversation we're about to have to stay in the room. I know that's impossible in Washington.*"

Later informed that his off-the-cuff comments had been recorded by so-called “journalists” who routinely provide aid and comfort to the enemy, Bush righteously labeled the act “irresponsible” and assured all Americans who care about their civil rights that he would instruct the Justice Department to begin an immediate investigation. “Any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires…a wiretap requires a court order*. Obviously, the liberal media believes itself above the law.”

The man appointed to ensure that no man is above the law, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, immediately withdrew top prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald from a lesser case and assigned him the task of investigating the unconstitutional monitoring of America’s most private private citizen’s ultra-private communications. “The Constitution clearly guarantees that Americans shall not be subject to warrantless searches, and who is more American that President Bush?” rhetorically asked Gonzales. “I mean, if one can spy on the President of the United States, who’s next? Quakers?”

Despite feeling Constitutionally violated, Bush heroically continued with his speech, in which he reasonably defended the interception of domestic communication between those who would re-create 9/11 (the Day That Changed Everything©,) and insisted that, unlike the leftist media, the government never listens in on the conversations of REAL Americans. Of course, prior to making these self-evident remarks, all agents of evil were removed from the hall. "I support the free press, let's just get them out of the room,*" ordered the President, as is his Constitutional right.

* - indicates an actual quote

PATRIOTISM TAKES A DAY OFF

Rex Kramer Rests on His America-Loving Laurels

(Orlando) Much like our workaholic President, patriot extrordinaire Rex Kramer rarely takes a day off in his efforts to spread the sweet gospel of freedom-loving to the unwashed masses. However, even Superman needed to retreat to the Fortress of Solitude from time to time to recharge his batteries and maybe even give Lois Lane a little "Man of Steel" (if you know what we mean, and we think you do.) That said, Rex will refrain from posting today (other than this post to explain that he's not posting,) but will return here and at The Blue Republic tomorrow with more patriotism, fresh out of the oven!

During the hiatus, Rex will visit the "Enemies List" sites (mother always said, "Know thy enemy before you smite them,") drink some fine domestic beer, and maybe get to work on that novel he's been putting off, Rex, White and Blue: The True Story of America's Greatest Living Patriot Not Named 'Bush.'

See y'all tomorrow!

Rex asks that you not comment on this non-post post; doing so would only give aid and comfort to the enemy.

PRESIDENT REVEALS TERROR PLOT DETAILS

Nefarious Plan Highlights Need for More Warrantless Wiretaps

(Washington) Like most men of shocking genius, President George Bush paints with broad strokes (his are redder, bluer and whiter than most,) and leaves the details to be worked out by inferior underlings. Today, however, the President revealed in stunning detail a terrorist plot, thwarted by Constitutionally-righteous NSA wiretaps, that had it not been foiled, would have made 9/11 (the day that changed everything) seem like heaven…the Christian kind, not the infidel type with the virgins and the martyrs. “Sometime between 9/11 and one hour ago, some folks might have thought about damaging in some fashion a large building on America’s West Coast," exhaustively explained Bush while at the same time solving complex trigonometry problems during a speech at the National Guard Memorial Building...an edifice that, thanks to the President’s efforts in Iraq, is undergoing massive expansion. “Now, if the naysayers had their way, we’d have never discovered this evil plot, and LA or some other western town might’ve been blown to smithereens. Hard to say. May God continue to bless America.”

As if the President’s description in minute detail wasn’t enough, Homeland Security assistant to the president Frances Townsend offered ever greater clarity. “Arrests in this case might have been made, possibly in another undisclosed country. The suspects may or may not be in US custody, and could be on US or foreign soil as we speak. In any event, millions of American lives might have been saved. Or not. We’re done here, and this conversation never happened.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan insisted the President’s definitive speech on the plot of those who would do us harm was an endorsement of multi-national cooperation in the War on Terror©, and not an unnecessary endorsement of domestic wiretapping. “Quite frankly, the President doesn’t need to defend the heroic and completely-legal efforts of the NSA to keep Americans safe from harm. That said, the President of course believes that the program, which has the blessing of Congress, is a vital tool in the never-ending War on Terror©. To suggest otherwise only gives aid and comfort to the enemy…an enemy, I might remind you, that may have considered attacking a west coast city.”

Administration officials brushed off whiney complaints made by LA mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who cried to the mainstream media that he was never informed of the threat to “his” city. “First of all, we can’t reveal if Villaraigosa was even mayor at the time,” reasonably explained FBI director Robert Mueller. “Second, no one had said in any official capacity that LA was in fact the target. Finally, our files show that Villaraigosa is a former gang member who never graduated high school. Do you really think we’d trust someone like that with sensitive information?”

BUSH: “THE ENVIRO-FRIENDLY PRESIDENT”

W Heroically Saves Polar Bears from Certain Extinction

(Washington) President Bush, a life-long supporter of environmental causes, today announced he will save endangered polar bears by removing them from the barren and lifeless wasteland of the Artic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWR) and placing them lovingly into the nation’s zoos and circuses. “My science advisors tell me that nothing can survive Mother Nature’s brutal dictatorship in the ANWR, not even the mighty, freedom-loving polar bear,” explained the President to a gathering of schoolchildren and oil company executives at Washington’s National Zoo. “By liberating these noble creatures, we will make America safer, as well as provide countless million of visitors to our nation’s zoos with endless hours of their clownish antics.” President Bush further explained, using small, monosyllabic words, that the polar bear’s natural habitat had become saturated with excessive, untapped domestic oil that literally oozes from the ground. As a result, the bear population’s health has declined, while the nation’s insatiable addiction to foreign oil has increased.

While the President’s intentions are noble and completely free of oil-lobbyist influence, he admitted that removing every arctic creature from their hellish environment would create a burden for the over-taxed citizen, and could even jeopardize his plan to make last year’s righteous tax cuts permanent. Thus, at the behest of his intelligent design advisors, the USS Ark was christened for the purpose of evacuating two of each species from God’s wrath. Even the operating costs of the Ark will in no way affect the ever-shrinking federal deficit, as the patriotic people at Exxon, in a shining example of faith-based initiativeness, have volunteered their time and services.



The project, dubbed the “Pro-active, Unilateral and Magnanimous Protection Of Indigenous Lesser-animals (PUMPOIL,) has been hailed by patriotic American and tree-hugger alike. Enthusiastically exclaimed Sierra Club executive director Carl Pope, “Well I guess saving two of each species is better than killing them all.” Breathlessly added World Wildlife Fund president Carter Roberts, “Sadly, this minimal effort on the part of the president marks his greatest environmental achievement.”

Praise for Bush’s inspired plan was not exclusive to the Birkenstock-wearing crowd. Rev. Pat Robertson dedicated a portion of his 700 Club Smiting Hour to personally thanking the Environmentalist-in-Chief for his dedication to the Christian ethics of love and compassion. “God gave us dominion over the beast, but with domination comes responsibility. President Bush has proven he responsibly heeds the warning signs of the coming Rapture, and has taken it upon himself to ensure that even the lowliest of critters finds a place in heaven.” Robertson added, however, that the President should make certain that no Jews or Catholics, whom he described as being “lower than the whale shit on the floor of the Arctic Ocean,” be allowed to board the Arc.

NRA figurehead and friend of wild critters Charlton Heston also lent his Biblical gravitas in support of the initiative. The animals left behind, Heston announced, would at long last be made eligible for game hunting. “With President Bush guaranteeing the continued existence of the lesser beasts, there’s no reason for the coddling penguin-huggers to stand in the way of every American’s God-given Second Amendment rights. I don’t think I’m speaking out of church when I say, ‘daddy needs a new pair of caribou shoes.”

Spurious George, like the President, needs your support. Our "links section," much like the liberal agenda, is woefully lacking. In your comment, won't you include a site worthy of a SG link? While we, of course, prefer the more patriotic of internet portals, we'll also grudgingly accept those that may be filed under the "enemies list." Heck, feel free to even whore your own site if it isn't already listed.

“I DO NOT LIKE GREEN SALT, IRAN”

Rice Rejects Iran’s “Seasoning of Death”

(New York) Peer into the Kitchen Pantry of America-Hating and you’re likely to find the staples of any rejectionist’s diet: a slice of yellow cake, a jar of mustard gas, and, more than likely, French bread. Tucked away in the recesses of the top shelf, however, glows the most evil of ingredients: the dreaded green salt.

“Infallible American intelligence has revealed that Iran, continuing to rotate on it’s axis of evil, is attempting to obtain green salt, or as it is known by it’s more common name, ‘the seasoning of death,” reasonably asserted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, herself no slouch in the kitchen. “Top government scientists, excuse me, intelligent designers, tell me that this ingredient is necessary for the manufacture of nuclear, excuse me, ‘nucular’ weapons.” While Rice admitted that the level of proof was not up to the same high standards as that presented against Iraq prior to the liberation of that nation, she warned that the first definitive piece of evidence could be a “giant green, salty mushroom cloud over a major U.S. city.”

No less of an authority than Surgeon General Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona called the islamo-fascist regime’s attempts to obtain the Satanic Seasoning “the greatest threat to American lives since the poison paprika scare of 1998.” Remarked the soldier-scientist, “Anytime you combine salt, a leading cause of hypertension, with just a spoonful of pure evil, I can assure you it’s a recipe for disaster.”

Without revealing information that might give aid and comfort to the enemy, Attorney General gave credit to the NSA’s Constitutionally-sound warrantless domestic wiretapping for discovering Tehran’s nefarious plans. “Had the NSA not learned that Ahmad Kheomani, an Iranian “student” attending an adult-school cooking class, was planning on throwing a party at his apartment, we’d have never been able to have an undercover agent swipe his laptop. Not just any laptop, but an evil one that contained a file labeled, ‘the Green Salt Project.’ Connect the dots, people.” While those classmates who have not yet been rendered to third-world prisons defended Kheomani by falsely stating that his project was in fact a recipe for manufacturing seasonings aimed at St. Patrick’s Day diners, Gonzales dismissed the statements as the rantings of “a bunch of hippie America-haters.”

Secretary Rice stated that she intends to add this newest development to her presentation before the UN Security Council, in which she will call for sanctions, and eventually shocking and awesome war, on Iran. “Thank God we have a right-thinking man such as John Bolton presiding over the Security Council this month, and not some namby-pamby surrender-monkey Frenchman.”

LIBERALS CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH

Socialist Congressman Faints at Soldier’s Funeral

(St. Albans, Vermont) Proving yet again that only Republicans are equipped with the manly skills necessary for dealing with the realities of war with a brutal enemy, socialist congressman Bernie Sanders of Vermont yesterday fainted like a woman at the military funeral of native son Joshua Johnson. “Pathetic,” summarized the rightfully indignant White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “Not once has the President lost consciousness at a military funeral. Clearly, those who would have America cut and run in Iraq are ill-prepared to cope with the cost of not cutting and running.” When asked by a terrorist-sympathizing “reporter” how many funerals President Bush has attended, McClellan, always mindful of how such information gives aid and comfort to the enemy, declined to respond.

News of Bernie “Wimpy” Sanders’ unmanly display spread quickly through the halls of power, or in the Democrats case, the halls of little-to-no power. “Quite frankly, today I’m embarrassed to call myself a Vermonter. Vermontite. Vermontonian. Whatever,” babbled former Governor and current DNC Nut job-in-Charge Howard Dean. “While there are those who have called me a shrill girly-man incapable of leading this nation, and rightly so, I have never fainted during a public appearance. Not even during my public humiliation during the 2004 primaries…although I did cry like a bitch for weeks afterward, thus making me a natural choice to lead the Democratic Party.”

“What a fag,” accurately remarked former Senator and voice of the greatest generation, Bob Dole (R-KS.) “Why, in my day, we had a name for folks like comrade Sanders, one that I won’t repeat as I’m a Christian. Aw, screw it, Jesus will understand. Sanders is a Betty, a dame, a broad. That is to say, he has a vagina, possibly even two.” Dole, unlike John Kerry (D-MA) a true war hero, knows better than most that freedom isn’t free. These days, the retired patriot continuously criss-crosses our great nation attending services for the fallen, and thanks President Bush for giving his golden years a meaningful hobby.

Others questioned if the ultra-leftist representative’s womanish act was merely a piece of staged political propaganda, albeit one done in extremely poor taste. “Unlike the opposition, who remain in a pre-9/11 mindset, conservatives never use the tragedy of others to further our political goals,” truthfully asserted White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove, taking a rare respite from his single-handed efforts to rebuild New Orleans’ 9th Ward. “That Congressman Sanders chose to actually attend a fallen soldier’s funeral is beyond the pale of even the lowest political operative. At long last, does the Socialist Party have no shame?”

President Bush could not be reached to register his disgust with Sanders’ shenanigans, as he and his twin daughters were preparing the world’s largest and most freedom-loving Valentine for delivery to troops in the field, but Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, a woman so dedicated to the President that she slept in the President’s quarters during Mrs. Bush’s goodwill tour of Africa, summarized the President’s sentiments on the issue. “Showing grief, or in fact emotion of any kind at a soldier’s funeral only serves to give aid and comfort to the enemy.”

Spurious George means no disrespect to women, who were unfortunately compared to Congressman Sanders in this piece. We here at SG, of course, have nothing but the greatest respect for strong, intelligent women…chicks like Ann Coulter! I mean, if you overlook the Adam’s apple, lazy eye, eating disorder, straw-like hair, sallow and hate-filled eyes, and her creepy sneer, you have to admit that she’s a serious piece of ass!

SUPER BOWL XL: NO PATRIOTS? HARDLY!

Rex Kramer Reports from Detroit, Home of Some Football Game

Note: This column originally appeared yesterday at midnight...or so we though. It appears now that Blogger is in fact a rejectionist sect that hates America and football. If we weren't against frivolous lawsuits we would SO have their asses in court!

(Detroit) Greetings, my patriotic pigskin posse, and salutations from Detroit Michigan, home of Super Bowl XL (or as we say in America, “40,”) as well as 30,000 former Ford employees who are now eligible for military service! Now, normally we here at Spurious George ignore your pathetic attempts to unload your pro-America angst unto Rex Kramer’s broad, manly shoulders, but on the eve of this country’s second greatest day we made an exception. Not uncommon among the thousands of letters, postcards and scented panties I received this week was this question, posed by an anonymous fan…

“Rex, over the past five years I’ve adopted the Washington Redskins as my, and thus, America’s, team. Still, like the Democrats, they’re losers, and America only loves winners. Thankfully, the aptly-named Patriots have been kicking ass the last few seasons, and so I welcomed them not as conquerors, but as heroes. This year, however, they were ousted by defeatists who clearly hate our freedom. Is there a team in this year’s big game worthy of my pledge of allegiance?” –Uncertain Loyalty in an Undisclosed Location.

Good question, my friend, and one worthy of a solid, fair-and-balanced answer. We here at Spurious George don’t stand on the sidelines on the issue of patriotism. When it comes to questions of America-loving, we don’t need any stinking instant replay. Flip a coin (even an American-minted one?) Not on our watch, mister! While other, lesser reporters from the out-of-the-mainstream media watch game film, break-down match-ups, and, more than likely, get high in the back seat of a stripper’s used Hyundai, the crack Spurious George staff has been delving into the most important, and yet least-explored litmus test: which team loves America more? Let’s break it down scientifically, or even better, using intelligent design! Our findings may surprise you…

Home city: Sure, it’d be easy (much like Monica Lewinsky) to dismiss Seattle as a tree-hugging, latte-sipping, Bush-impeachment-supporting hippie bastion, and in fact that’d be a fair dismissal, if we weren’t so fair-and-balanced. Upon closer inspection, however, the Spurious George reader might be surprised to learn that, just down the Puget Sound is located the Bremerton Naval Base, McCord Air Force Base, and, most importantly, the Army’s Ft. Lewis (Rex Kramer’s last duty assignment during his ultra-patriotic service to these United States of America.) Pittsburgh? Oh sure, it’s the ultimate blue-collar town, but therein lies the problem. Why blue-collar? Why not red collar? In short, why does Pittsburgh hate America? Also, Pittsburgh is a mere 220 miles away from Dover, Pennsylvania, the town that, as Pat Robertson pointed out, rejected Jesus. Edge: Seattle.


Team Name/Colors: Steelers? Now, that’s manly in a completely heterosexual kind of way! If liberals owned this team, they’d be the “Recycled Aluminums” or “Shimmering Platinums.” Detroit’s cars? Steel. Exxon’s oil rigs? Again, steel. The M-16 I use to keep the communist horde at bay? 100% US Steel, baby! Still, I’d be less than honest if I didn’t mention their colors have me questioning Pittsburgh’s manhood. I mean, why black and yellow? Yellow conjures up images of being chicken; is America chicken? Hell, no! America’s a bird of prey, like a Falcon, or an Eagle, or maybe even a…Seahawk! The “Seahawk,” by the way, is the name given to the Navy’s CH-60 combat helicopter, a sub-hunting, SEAL-hauling, ass-kicking war bird if ever there was one. As for team colors, the Seahawks are sometimes referred to as “the Blue Man Group,” and while we find that slightly gay, there’s no denying that blue, along with red and white, are about as America-loving as you get. Slight Edge: Seattle.

Home Stadium: The Steelers play their home games at Heinz Field….as in Teresa Heinz Kerry. Seattle could call their place of business “Jane Fonda Field at Michael Moore Stadium” and they’d still hate America less than Pittsburgh. Big Edge: Seattle.

Coaching: Seattle’s head coach Mike Holmgren was born in San Francisco (pink city,) played his college ball at USC (ultra-blue state,) and played in the NFL for the St. Louis Cardinals (red state.) He began his coaching career at San Francisco State (a college so gay they don’t even play football these days,) moved onto Brigham Young (solidly red,) then moved onto the NFL as an assistant at San Francisco (OK, what’s with the attraction to “hippie city?”) before getting his first head coaching job at Green Bay (cheese-eating blue state.) Pittsburgh’s Bill Cowher, a graduate of North Carolina State (red state,) was drafted by the Philadelphia Eagles (blue state,) before moving onto Cleveland (the patriotic state that delivered in 2004.) Cowher served as an assistant coach with the Browns and the Kansas City (nobody’s redder than KC) Chiefs before becoming the Steelers’ head man in 1992. Huge Edge: Pittsburgh

Players: Pittsburgh’s quarterback is known as “Big Ben,” and although we appreciate the UK’s can-do spirit in the Coalition of the Willing, do you really want an Englishman in charge of your football team? On the flip side, Seattle’s signal-caller played his college ball in Boston, and more than likely was ritualistically raped by Ted Kennedy and several Catholic priests. As mentioned earlier, the Hawks are collectively known as “the Blue Man Group,” a name that conjures up images of the alternatively-lifestyled experimental theater group that only a Frenchman could love. The Steelers’ defense, on the other hand, is known as “the Steel Curtain,” a name only Josef Stalin could love. Edge: None

Intangibles: Pittsburgh loves the snow, Seattle digs the rain. Detroit has a dome. Edge: Push. Seattle’s cheerleaders are the “Sea Gals.” Pittsburgh had no cheerleaders. Edge: Seattle (the Steelers just might be gay.) Pittsburgh gave us Barry Manilow, Seattle? Nirvana. There are no winners here. Edge: None.

Well, there you go, America. Proving that intelligent design trumps monkey science every time, we have proven that the Seattle Seahawks love America more than the Pittsburgh Steelers, and thus, will win tomorrow’s game. We here at Spurious George hope this infallible prediction doesn’t ruin the experience for you, or worse, keep you from watching all of the commercials advertising superior American products while chomping down on American cheese sandwiches you wash down with fine, American beer. And remember, even if your team loses, America always wins!

During halftime, why watch Mick Jagger pretend he’s not gay when you can stop by The Blue Republic for some wholesome, patriotic entertainment? Mom would be proud.

HUGO CHAVEZ: NUEVO-NAZI?

Venezuelan President May Invade Poland, Hate Jews

(Washington) When Defense Secretary and human rights activist Donald Rumsfeld justifiably compared Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez to Adolph Hitler, it was not a flippant analogy of the intellectually-lazy, but rather the solid founding of extensive research. “Based on infallible US intelligence, I can now say with absolute moral certainty that Hugo Chavez is in fact the literal offspring of Adolph Hitler,” Rumsfeld announced to an astonished audience at the Jewish Defense League’s Washington, DC center. Rumsfeld explained that documents left behind by famed Nazi-hunter Elie Wiesel revealed that in 1945, and aided by al Qaeda, Hitler was smuggled into Brazil, where his evil seed was implanted inside the womb of female inmates at Sao Paulo’s “El Loco” Insane Asylum. “From that godless program came the likes of Evo Morales in Bolivia, Luiz Inacio Lula Da Silva in Brazil, Ricardo Lagos in Chile, and, of course, Hugo Chavez in Venezuela. Jew-hating national socialists all.”

Rumsfeld’s revelation was hailed worldwide by those who hate freedom-hating Nazis. “If a representative of George Bush’s government says Hugo Chavez is a Nazi, well, then it must be so,” responded British Prime Minister Tony Blair, leader of a nation that knows full well the folly of negotiating with Nazis, the terror of being attacked by Nazis, as well as the sweet feeling of righteousness that comes with kicking Nazi ass. “Clearly we must deal with Herr Chavez before he blitzes London or, worse, takes possession of the Lost Ark of the Covenant.”

President Bush, who addressed the pitfalls of isolationism in his brilliant and universally-hailed State of the Union Address on Tuesday, again raised the issue when commenting on Chavez’s possible plans for world domination. “Should we, as average Americans, huddle inside our mansions while Venezuela’s brown shirts build concentration camps, which my advisors tell me, really had nothing to do with concentration, except that they were a concentration of Nazi evil? Not on my watch!” The President also expressed concerns that, if left unchecked, Chavez’s Huns might make a grab for strategic land in Europe. “What about the Sudetenland? What about Czechoslovakialand? What about Poland? John Kerry may have forgotten Poland, but I assure you, Führer Chavez has not. And neither have I. May God continue to bless America. And Poland. See? I didn’t forget Poland!”

As if on cue, in Caracas today “President” Chaves announced that he had signed a non-aggression pact with Russia, and ordered all Jews, homosexuals, and gypsies to report to local law enforcement for deportation to “re-education centers” throughout the country. In an announcement broadcast by state-owned radio, Chavez attempted to soothe apprehension by announcing that he sympathized with the historic plight of the Jewish people. “Their struggle is mein kampf. They should know that I place their safety and welfare über alles.”

Don’t say you weren’t warned: We told you today’s column would suck, didn’t we? Tomorrow, however? Pure gold. Stop by SG tomorrow for Rex Kramer’s patriotic Super Bowl preview, and also at The Blue Republic for more Kramerica (and yes, we know we’re whoring ourselves.)

OH (YEAH) CANADA?

Relations with Neighbor to the North Going South

(Washington) Recently, Spurious George celebrated the thawing of cold war relations with Canada, while warning of an imminent and completely justifiable invasion of uppity Mexico. While we stand by our call for holy war on the southern Axis of Evil nation that insidiously supplies addictive oil to innocent American consumers, it is now as clear as a beer-drinker’s pee that Canada hates our efforts to bring freedom to the freedomless.

Although border skirmishes were common during the heady days of the Vietnam War when American patriotism was at its’ loftiest and Canadian self-loathing due to its’ draft-dodging was at its’ lowest ebb, relations for the past generation have, if not improved, at least evolved into a “don’t piss us off an we won’t nuke your hockey-playing ass” form of mutual respect. All that goodwill, however, came to an end Tuesday in Iraq when cowardly Canadians opened fire on liberty-defending US troops. Despite the unprovoked sneak attack, American soldiers, utilizing superior American tactics, training and kick-ass firepower repelled the craven Canucks and may have killed Osama bin Laden’s second-in-command, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Reacting but not overreacting to the crisis, President Bush sent Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to the newly-overhauled UN (thank you, John Bolton) for the purpose of consulting with member nations of the Coalition of the Willing. Addressing the General Assembly, Secretary Rice laid bare the dark heart of Ottawa’s intentions. “Clearly, Canada has strong ties with al Qaeda, the same nefarious terrorist network that attacked us on 9/11, also known as ‘The Day That Changed Everything©.” Rice then presented satellite images that, to the liberal eye, might appear to represent southbound beer trucks, large recycling centers, and bakeries “The so-called beer trucks you see here could easily be converted to mobile WMD labs. The recycling centers are just that; collection points for aluminum cans. Aluminum cans, with just a pair of tin snips, can be converted to aluminum tubes. These bakeries aren’t producing American pie; it’s yellow cake they bake! Connect the dots, people!”

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld assured the public that America’s fighting forces, irresponsibly described as “stretched to the breaking point” by the war-hating mainstream media, is ready to defend the homeland. “C’mon, they’re Canada! They haven’t won a war in like forever! We can so kick their ass!” Rumsfeld stated that as of yet he had not yet been instructed by the President to “bring it on,” but confidently boasted that when the order came, “America will most certainly bring it!”

Meanwhile, Congress today in a rare unanimous vote issued a call for all Americans to boycott Bryan Adams concerts, Dan Akroyd movies, and to refer to tasty sausage breakfast patties as “Freedom Bacon.” Americans everywhere have heeded the call; in Topeka school board members burned Celine Dion in effigy, while even people in ultra-liberal New York and LA stayed away in droves from Jim Carrey’s Fun with Dick and Jane.

Tomorrow's Spurious George will most likely suck, but Saturday? Wow, does SG have a treat for you, the dedicated value-hunter! On SG, Rex Kramer reports from the Super Bowl, while at The Blue Republic, Rex Kramer asks the burning question, "Why do you hate America, America?" Yeah, that's right. Just TRY to sleep Friday night!

REPUBLICANS LAMENT “ADDICTED AMERICA”

GOP Hopes President Inspires Nation to Kick Their Bad Habits

(Washington) A day after former Texas oil man President Bush bravely called America out for their addiction to foreign (but not domestic) oil, other compassionately conservative leaders are responding by “outing” the addictions of others. Within hours of being inspired by the President’s State of the Union Shaming, administration officials and lawmakers were appearing on talk shows, calling press conferences and circulating tax-supported (and thus not lobbyist-bought) newsletters in which the faults of lesser beings were spotlighted.

“America has become addicted to partisanship,” lamented former House majority leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) as a guest of the always unbiased 700 Club Smiting Hour with Pat Robertson. DeLay, whose brilliant scandal-free political career was temporarily sabotaged by a bitterly-partisan local district attorney, knows well the pain of being victimized by those gripped by this nefarious addiction. “The only hope for those affected is to show them the error of their ways, and how much their America-hating hurts America. That, or criminalize the Democratic Party, which, sadly, may be the only way to go.”

From an undisclosed location, Vice President Dick Cheney released a statement in which he conceded that “some so-called Americans” are addicted to fear-mongering and, worse, are intent on infecting others with their addiction. “These sky-is-falling leftists would have you believe that we’re losing the war in Iraq, that the NSA is illegally wiretapping American citizens, and that the Supreme Court is intent on outlawing abortions. Let me assure the American people that the only thing we have to fear is fear-mongering itself. That, and the fact that brutal terrorists who want to kill and rape American babies and puppies lurk among us, and only a Republican government can stop them.”

On his top-rated radio show, addiction-free Rush Limbaugh asked Americans to forego two of their deadliest vices: drugs and blaming others for their drug use. “People, as someone whose maid blamed me, if you can believe this, of making her buy painkillers that her non-English speaking ass was using, I can assure you this is a big, big problem.” Limbaugh, an opponent of government intervention into citizens’ personal lives and medical files, suggested that the best means for combating these twin terrors is immigration reform. “It’s illegal immigrants who make the drugs. It’ll illegal immigrants who transport and sell the drugs. Its ungrateful illegal immigrants who refuse to realize its successful taxpayers like me who pay their wages and thus shouldn’t be running off to the feds with information about their employers that’s really none of their damn business.”

Press conferences condemning America’s darkest addictions were called by Attorney General Gonzales (irrational justifications,) Secretary of State Rice (boot-licking,) Senator Trent Lott (racism,) former FEMA director Michael Brown (cronyism,) newly-minted Supreme Court Justice Alito (lack of disclosure,) Barbara and Jenna Bush (underage drinking,) Defense Secretary Rumsfeld (improper planning,) Congresswoman Jean Schmidt (character assassination,) Senator Bill Frist (malpractice,) former Congressman Duke Cunningham (influence peddling,) and Moral Majority founder Timothy LaHaye (religious intolerance.)

On a tour to further his “America Hates Addiction” agenda, President Bush praised the efforts of right-thinking Americans to exorcise the nation’s demons. “As I’ve always said, I’m a uniter, not a divider. Nothing divides families, divides friends, or divides America, like addictions. Unless, of course, you’re addicted to freedom. Like me. Can’t get enough of the stuff. If it came in powdered form, well, I’d snort it off a stripper’s belly. May God continue to bless America.”

Rex Kramer wants to know: What are your addictions? Are they of the America-hating or freedom-loving variety? Leave your comment/confession, or merely speak into the nearest telephone. You'll feel better, trust us.