GORE’S TREASON UNDER INVESTIGATION

Justice Dept. Consider Charges Against Former VP

(Philadelphia) A day after delivering a lie-packed speech in the same droning monologue that kept voters by the millions away from the polls in 2000, former Vice President and sore-loser-extraordinaire faces repercussions far greater than boring an audience to tears. “Citizen Gore’s questioning of the president’s commitment to the Constitution only served to give aid and comfort to the enemy, an act that is defined by the Patriot Act as treason,” strictly interpreted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, a man not known to paint with broad strokes. “As you all know, as an enemy combatant Ayatollah Gore can be held without charges for as long as he is deemed by the president to be a clear and present danger to the security. While we have not yet decided if this will be Mullah Gore’s fate, it must be said that all options are on the table.”

Gonzales further explained that Gore’s rabble-rousing rant would normally fall under the protection of the First Amendment if it hadn’t contained so many egregious lies that lowered his diatribe to a form of hate-speech propaganda. “What Imam Gore failed to disclose is that when he accused President Bush as being the original violator of the FISA Act he knew full well that President Clinton did it first.” Gonzales was of course referring to Bill Clinton’s implicit consent to the wiretapping of Jesus-loving patriotic Republicans in an unsuccessful attempt to thwart the 1994 “Contract with America” movement that returned morality to the halls of Congress. Gonzales stated that as a hate-crime, the Koran-loving Gore’s treason was aggravated, thus making him eligible for rendition to his native Yemen.

While President Bush publicly expressed sympathy regarding his former opponent’s continuing deluded hatred of America, White House spokesman Scott McClellan crystallized what all right-thinking Americans are thinking. “Al Gore’s hypocrisy knows no bounds,” the astute patriot repeated throughout today’s daily “America: Still Kicking Ass” press briefing. “I think it’s been established that the Clinton-Gore nightmare was rife with complete disregard for the law, much less that truth.” McClellan cited several instances in which Gore was in the past caught in a lie, including his famous boast that he had invented the internet.

As expected, the out-of-the-mainstream Democratic Party refused to condemn Osama bin Gore’s spitting on the American flag. Screeched DNC head Howard Dean in his usual falsetto voice, “I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that Al Gore is the greatest American patriot that ever lived. I mean, it takes a lot more guts to speak the truth than it does to, say, defend freedom in Iraq like those wussy Army guys”* Dean’s lunacy was echoed by a clearly-drunk Ted Kennedy (D-MA.) “If anything, President-in-exile Gore didn’t go far enough in criticizing the President. I mean, I didn’t see Laura Bush rushing from the hall in tears.”