MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

Spurious George v. 2.0 Launches!

Spurious George©, a subsidiary of Kramerica World Enterprises©, a division of the US Department of Homeland Security©, today announced the successful launch of the next generation in internet-based America-loving, Spurious George v. 2.0. While no one could have predicted how devastatingly hard it would be to create a more patriotic version of SG, project manager and former FEMA director Michael Brown believes the final result was worth the long delays and billions in federal subsidies. “The new SG home is a heckuva site,” gushed Brown, who nevertheless lamented the thousands of purebred Arabian horses who lost their lives making SG II possible.

Sadly, the birth of Spurious George, Part Deux also marks the death of the original site, as there will be no further updates at this site. SG icon Rex Kramer, while admitting a touch of nostalgia for his old haunts, rationalized that it was time to move on. “The fact is, I trashed the old place like an English death-metal band at an airport Ramada. I seriously doubt I’ll even get my deposit back.” Based in his past actions and many, many insurance clauses, Rex’s new digs were designed to be both hippie, groupie, and fire-proof. “Spurious George, the Sequel, much like President Bush’s focus on the War on Terror, is indestructible. I suspect we’ll be there for an eternity…or maybe even until the Democrats take back the White House.”

SG’s new pad, a Dude of The Blue Republic-designed original, is now open for business. If you are not immediately re-directed to that site, well, it’s probably because we lack the technological know-how necessary to pull something like that off!

P.S. In case you missed it, the new site is HERE.

Patience, Patriots!

SG's New Site Almost Complete

(Orlando) Thanks to a generous grant from FEMA and the technical expertise of Dude of The Blue Republic fame, the new-and-improved Spurious George portal into the world of freedom-loving is almost complete. While we here at SG believe that setting deadlines only serves to bring aid and/or comfort to the Islamo-fascists, we anticipate announcing the new site's whereabouts by the end of this week (sooner, if the Democrats don't get in the way.)

PARDON OUR PATRIOTIC DUST

Spurious George's long-overdue renovation has been, like Operation Enduring Freedom, a resounding success...but one with a few, overblown bumps in the road to sweet, sweet freedom. Like the President, however, we will stay the course. Unlike John Murtha, we will not cut and run.

In other words, we'll fix this thing if it takes a few hundred billion tax dollars and a couple hundred thousand soldiers.

Stay tuned, America!

P.S. This internet stuff is HARD!

RUMSFELD DENIES ARTISTIC ABILITY

“I’m a Doer, Not Some Hippie Dreamer” DefSec Admits

(Washington) Even among men with a lifetime of sterling achievement, some dreams die hard. So it is with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who today tearfully admitted before a Senate subcommittee his failure to become the artist his father wanted him to be. “I never painted a rosy picture,*” lamented the usually-stoic secretary, who later explained that he suffered from a rare form of color-blindness that rendered him unable to see any of the colors in the red family. So shocking was this revelation that many of the more liberal Senators on the panel erroneously believed he had been referring to his pre-war prognosis for Iraq.



Especially and predictably confused was Senator Clinton (D-Lesbos,) who inexplicably harped upon the few minor glitches that had occurred along the Iraqis’ path toward sweet freedom…most of which are blamed on her own party’s defeatist agenda. "Under your leadership, there have been numerous errors in judgment that have led us to where we are in Iraq and Afghanistan,*" shrieked Clinton, obviously oblivious to the well-known fact that “where we are” in Iraq and Afghanistan is “all up in al Qaeda’s ass!” Once a female aide/possible lover explained to the future losing presidential candidate that Rumsfeld was merely venting his failure in the arts, Clinton resorted to schadenfreude-esque taunts. “I can draw better than you can,” sing-songed New York’s junior Senator, who then scribbled a female stick-figure with disproportionately large breasts.

An obviously-unburdened Rumsfeld later admitted to the Pentagon press corps that his confession had a cathartic effect on him, and that he was comfortable with his lack of artistic ability. “I mean,” sighed the history-enthusiast, “how many failed artists have ever started a world war, tortured prisoners, and imprisoned people based solely on their religion?”

* - Indicates Actual Quotes

GIBSON ON DUI: “JEWS MADE ME DO IT!”

Mourning Messiah’s Murder, Mel Met Manishevitz

(Los Angeles) While much of liberal and very-Jewish Hollywood has been damning patriotic and Christ-loving actor/director Mel Gibson for the anti-Semitic slurs he made during his recent DUI arrest, those close to the “Passion of the Christ” director have come forward to testify that his remarks were in fact a cry for help. “The more Mr. Gibson learned about how deceitfully the Lord had been betrayed, the more depressed he became. Even his $100 million dollar bank account couldn’t console him,” offered longtime Jewish friend, attorney Alan Dershowitz. “Sadly, he turned the water of his tears into wine for his liver. Ironically, it was Manishevitz wine that became his drink of choice.”

Dershowitz explained that when Gibson asked the arresting officer, “Are you a Jew?” he did so not with the intent of insulting the officer or the Jewish faith, but rather in the hope that the cop might have some of Gibson’s favorite drink readily available. “One wouldn’t ask, for example, an Irish flatfoot for a glass of Jewish wine. Whiskey? Absolutely! Beer? Without a doubt! I mean, everyone knows the ‘Micks’ are an alcoholic bunch!”

Gibson’s attorney further addressed other racist remarks the hero of three “Lethal Weapon” movies allegedly made, the most damning of which was, “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” According to Dershowitz, this accusation was aimed more at Gibson’s own faith than at the descendants of David. “As everyone knows, Christianity is merely the sequel to Judaism. Thus, by ‘blaming’ the Jews, he was merely pointing out that Christians bear some responsibility for man’s inhumanity toward man.” Dershowitz also pointed out that his client intended to say that it was actually the Islamic rejection of the Jews that created world-wide strife. “Clearly, this is the Muslims’ fault. Everyone knows they’re a peace-hating people.”

Gibson himself made no official comment, citing the Judeo-Christian right against self-incrimination, but through Dershowitz offered an apology for his misconstrued remarks. “I have nothing but brotherly love for my Jewish brothers, despite the fact that they killed Jesus Christ. I humbly ask for their prayers….if Jews pray, that is...for my recovery from my addiction to their delicious, Jesus-hating wine.”

Note to Loyal SG Readers: The SG staff will endeavor over the next week or so to post when possible (our goal is three times per week) until the new site is up and running. We thank you for your patience and continued patronage in the interim.

COMING SOON: THE NEW SG!!!

Sabbatical Accomplished, Rex Returns!

(Orlando) In a completely-spontaneous press conference attended exclusively by America’s brightest and bravest warriors in the War on Terror (i.e. Republican Congressional staffers,) new Spurious George spokesman Ari Fleischer today announced the news of every Christian-conservative’s second most-favorite promised return; that of Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker!) “Contrary to Howard Dean’s deepest, twisted desire, Rex Kramer is not dead,” dead-panned Fleischer, who gave up his promising stand-up career to be the face of a revamped Spurious George. “He has returned, and I should point out, is more America-loving than ever!”



Quieting chants of “Rex! Rex! Rex!” Fleischer went on to announce that coinciding with Kramer’s imminent return will be a new, improved SG site more befitting a pundit of his stature (approximately 6’2.) “The new site will be redder, bluer, but not necessarily whiter.” Fleischer explained that in keeping with the GOP’s compassionate conservative outreach to people of color, Spurious George would attempt to speak to a wider, yet still freedom-loving, audience. “I can assure you that Rex is ‘down with the brothers and sisters,’ so to speak, and the new site will reflect that.” The über-hip spokesman/playah the broke into an impromptu rap, the lyrics of which were mostly unintelligible.

A “Camp Casey”-wearing party crasher who asked the reason for Kramer’s Dave Chappelle-like disappearance was quickly escorted from the room and into a waiting armored Hummer, but Fleischer cheerfully responded. “Rex has been busy fighting the good, conservative fight…helping Rush Limbaugh with his addiction issues, Katherine Harris with her campaign issues, and Scooter Libby with his legal issues. I should also point out that for his efforts, Rex was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom…his seventeenth such award.”

While no firm date has been set for Kramer’s and Spurious George’s return, Fleischer assured all that the glorious event would be sooner rather than later. “Rex’s absence is in its last throes; I suspect it’ll be days rather than weeks.”

BRIGHTHOUSE CABLE CENSORS SG

Incompetence or Conspiracy? You Decide!

(Orlando) The Spurious George staff has occupied its new Kramerica headquarters for all of seven days now, has made 6 calls for service to the local cable company (Brighthouse Networks,) and has enjoyed approximately 1.5 days of cable service; on Monday the incompetent bastards even mistakenly turned the service off intentionally, although they later explained that this action was, like the Clinton era, a "mistake." As SG's internet access is through its cable line (dial-up is for hippies,) there was, as millions of you no doubt noticed, no patriotic post yesterday; in fact, I (Rex Kramer, Seeker of Danger) have been reduced to using the internet access of my government-owned computer just to bring you this message.

Fear not, RexHeads, for the obviously Democrat-owned cable company assures me that SG HQ will be wired by this afternoon. Of course, they said the same thing yesterday. Folks, if you want an idea of how socialized medicine would work in this country if the Howard Deans of the world had their way, look no futher than the efficiency of your local cable provider.

NYT HATES AMERICA…AGAIN!!!

“Tokyo Rose” of Newspapers Addicted to Treason?

(New York) For the second time in less than a year the elitist liberal New York Times has not only given aid and comfort to the enemy, but also fluffed their pillows and tucked them into bed with an awkward kiss on the forehead. Hillary Clinton’s favorite newspaper, not content with letting terrorists know that their phone calls may be monitored, recently revealed to those who would do us harm that their financial transaction records are of interest to the forces of freedom. “We’re at war, and for the Times to release information about secret operations and methods is treasonous,*” patriotically accused Rep. Peter King (R-NY,) chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee. So righteously incensed was the always hyperbole-free King that he contacted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and conveyed to the only Mexican he knows that the newspaper publisher, editor, reporter, and delivery boy should also be investigated, prosecuted, and ultimately hanged from the tallest tree in Brooklyn.

Congressman King’s call for blood was lauded by patriotic pundit Ann Coulter, who has long called for the New York Times headquarters in Manhattan to be napalmed, and who has volunteered to do the staffing herself. “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is that he did not go to the New York Times Building,*” remarked Coulter, expressing the viewpoint of all right-thinking Americans. “Give me a U-Haul truck, three tons of fertilizer and a fully-occupied Times Building, and I’ll make America infinitely safer!”

Despite the Teutonic talking head’s passion, King’s views weren’t shared by all of his Republican Capitol Hill comrades. Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter (R-PA,) attempted to douse the flames of popular sentiment with his usual Democrat-leaning mealy-mouthiness. “On the basis of the newspaper article, I think it’s premature to call for a prosecution of the New York Times,*” commented Specter and who sounds remarkably like Howard Dean. The senior senator (for now) from Pennsylvania also advocated withholding judgment on Osama bin Laden and Adolph Hitler “until all the facts are in.”

Rep. King was not swayed in his search for righteous vengeance by the treasonous Specter, or by the fact that the same story was reported by others in the print media, including the usually-patriotic Wall Street Journal. The Times, King correctly pointed out, should be held accountable for its actions as it has always been “more concerned about a left-wing elitist agenda than it is about the security of the American people.*” King also pointed out that the Sunday edition is ungainly, and the crossword puzzles are “awful hard.”

While Attorney General Gonzales has not yet ruled out a long-overdue investigation of al Qaeda’s favorite daily, others in the Bush administration strongly believe that the time for niceties has passed. “I’m not saying we’re going to drop a MOAB on them or anything, but I’m not saying we’re not,” giggled a giddy Donald Rumsfeld. “All options are on the table.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

A HEARTY HOORAY FOR HIPPIES!

Rex Returns, Door Hits Hippie Ass on the Way Out

(Orlando) Having completed the arduous journey of about 10 miles to the new Spurious George HQ, intrepid SG reporter Rex Kramer (danger seeker extraordinaire) breathed deep the freedom-scented air of the new digs and found it only slightly befouled by the stench of patchouli. For this, he was thankful.

He was also thankful for the efforts made by the hippie horde that, in his absence, did their best to hide their anti-America coffee house philosophies. In gratitude, he’d love to invite them all to the HQ-warming party…but as Spurious George has relocated to Seminole County, the reddest county in patriotic-red state Florida, he doubts the sheriff would allow them to cross the county line. In fact, upon meeting his neighbors, Rex had (fleeting) doubts that his own level of patriotism was up to local code; just to be safe, be bought out the inventory of the local flag store and decorated SG HQ II accordingly.

In any event, although the move is complete there remains much work to be done (opening the boxes marked “Bush bumper stickers” will take weeks; having the interns apply them all to the HQ exterior will take even longer.) During this transitional period, patriotic posting may, like Ted Kennedy’s liver, be spotty. We here at Spurious George appreciate your patience and your continued PAC contributions during this time.

Once again, a manly expression of thanks to those of you who made “Convert a Hippie Week” a beacon of light for those poor souls who believe that America-loving is beyond their reach. You have done your country a great service, and should be duly proud of your efforts.

Now, get out before Rex releases the hounds.

Pride In An American Dynasty

When Rex asked me to contribute a post to his "Convert a Hippie Week," I had to ask myself what it is that makes me proud to be an American, and at first I was at a loss, but then it came to me...


No not that Dynasty (well, OK that one too), but good old fashioned American political dynasties handed down from father to son (brother, daughter, whomever...you get what I mean). And not just any dynasties mind you. We're talking Republican dynasties here. Because the Grand Old Party doesn't go in for all that scientific deviltry--in-vitro, fertility treatments, cloning! No sir! They create their dynasties the old-fashioned way through procreation in the sanctity of a marriage of one man to one woman.

Democrats? Bah! Couldn't create a decent dynasty if their political future depended on it. I mean just look at the Clintons. One crummy kid, and she's not even interested in politics. Where as with the Bush's it's kids to the left 'o me and kids to the right 'o me. And I shouldn't need to remind you that dynasties aren't made in places like Kennebu--I mean Nantucket! Nope. Real dynasties, big dynasties come from great states like Texas and Florida. Why the three greatest Presidents in US history, Reagan, Bush, and Bush came from Texas. (Ok, ok. I know the Gipper was really from Hippieville, but he had a heart as big as Texas and might as well have been a Bush.)

The United States may have a "special bond" with England, but that doesn't mean that we have to repeat their mistakes by messing around with this whole voting thing, and that's why I'm also proud of our Electoral College, or as I like to call it the "Bush Dynasty Preservation Department". Because let's face it, we're all way too busy managing our Halliburton Financial Personal Social Security Accounts to worry about who should be the next President. We already know who the best person for the job is. A Bush!

In honor of Rex Kramer's own freedom-loving state of Florida and our next President,
John Ellis Jebediah Xavier Bush.

American Music

What makes me proud to be an American?

Music. The music we have produced as a country. From Lead Belly to Miles Davis to Ralph Stanley to KRS-ONE to Kurt Cobain, some of the best self-expression in the last hundred years has been done by American musicians.

You can argue that it was the atmosphere that created many of America's premiere indigenous art forms, and you would be partially correct. The other half of it is the people. We come from all walks of life, from all corners of the earth. It might be a slave singing about the dire circumstances they have been unwillingly shoved into, or a middle class kid from a metropolitan area reacting to the confusing feelings of growing up. Americans have helped people from all over the world cope with situations through the universal language of music.

I dare say the labor movement would have never gained near as much support without the Almanac singers, Woody Guthrie and Pete Seeger. Picture people struggling for civil rights without Billie Holiday singing "Strange Fruit." Nina Simone pulled no punches singing "Mississippi Goddamn." Public Enemy gave me chills down my spine when I first heard "Fight the Power."

It doesn't have to be about politics. I remember the first time I heard the laid-back sounds of Pavement or the how far ahead of their time the Pixies were. I swear after I heard the Velvet Underground for the first time, I thought I was the coolest motherf**ker in town, even though their albums had been out for decades. I walked different.

Anyway, when it comes to what I like about America, it has not as much to do with the country as it does with certain people's reactions to their situations. That makes sense though. A country is nothing but lines on a map, it is the people that make it work.

Everytime I think that my country is in control of liars and murders and I have no voice at all, I find great solace in music. Music is the average person's weapon. I picture an FBI agent at a John Lennon concert scribbling down on a page of paper the words to "John Sinclair." I picture him jotting down "gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta........... set him free!!" I laugh thinking of how silly he must feel. Or at least how silly he should feel.

We, the people of America, will always have music. They, the oligarchy, haven't ever had it. Seriously, have you heard John Ashcroft sing?

America Rocks, Man!

There are so many ways that America kicks ass that I hardly know where to begin!

(Fortunately, I was able to quickly eliminate infant mortality rates, life expectancy, health, education, technological innovation, trade, exports,and a variety of other things.Always helps to narrow the field in the wealthiest of all super powers)

Still, we kick ass! Didn't you hear the Iraqis begging to be like us?

Its a tough subject because, well, we simply kick TOO MUCH ass. But after long and careful thought, it seems that an area where we surpass most everyone on the planet is consumption. So I am here to express my pride at the fact that America uses 25% of the resources of the entire world. Hands down, we win! (crowd cheering) Who knew the enemy was not Communism or terrorism, but Planetarism.

It is not an easy accomplishment, you know. The speed with which we erected these suburbs and shopping malls took a true commitment to the ideals of the American Dream: the ability to own a half acre plot, kill everything, plant displaced shrubs around the perimeter of this monolithic vinyl box of 2.5 bathrooms we love to call home.

Where else but America can you buy dinner through a drive through, but in the sad event that you DO have to get out of a car, there are five spots in America for every registered motor vehicle to make sure that your odds are greatly in favor of walking the shortest distance possible?

Where else but America can you buy muffins for a bake sale being held by a PTA to buy textbooks for children in a school where the Superintendent is paid nine times the salary of a teacher? But there aren't enough books to go around and kids must share them?

Where else but America can people pay as much for their car as 3/4 of their annual salary and think that this is a wise purchase? Where else can a person making minimum wage buy a $400 Coach bag and think this is a good idea?

Where else but America does it cost more to operate the system of tax collection (IRS) than the actual taxes collected for twenty counties worth of people?

YOU must keep the American way going! Go drive somewhere today and get off the computer. Dammit, go to WalMart. Stop being unappreciative whining liberals and go spend money!
There are many things that make America unique, and there are things that EVERY ONE OF YOU CAN DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Are you hippies doing your damn parts? Are you shopping enough, redecorating enough? Eating enough?

Throwing enough away? Changing your mind enough? Hating your clothing enough? Your bodies enough? Your children enough? Are you avoiding them enough? Do you have enough television? ARE YOU SURE?

If not, you just might not be American enough. Go kick someone's ass!

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Patriotic Polling

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Rex Kramer Educates the Hippies Every Saturday At:

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Pride (in the name of Dissent)

Note: For some reason, I'm unable to upload pictures to the post, so bear with me. It must be my marijuana-soaked brain, and certainly no fault of Blogger.

When Rex Kramer asked me to write a post for Spurious George, I was shocked, to say the least. Anyone who has ever glanced at my blog may notice that it consists mainly of pictures and regurgitated crap that I glean from the internet mixed with the occasional snide remark from yours truly. Hardly the prerequisite for guest-writing on a blog as prestigious and fancifully decorated as this one.

And to top it all off, the gun-toting, Jesus-loving bastard expects me to crank out a piece about what makes me proud to be an American! Talk about pressure. So, over the last couple of weeks, between nail-biting sessions, I’ve been hemming and hawing about what to write. At one point I thought about backing out and telling him I was going on vacation this week. The only problem with that plan was that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on my blog for a week, either. I think he purposely concocted this house-moving stunt to put me through hell. OK, enough of the whining. Ready or not, here it comes.

At first, I thought, “That’s easy. The most obvious thing that makes me proud to be an American is my ability to post anti-Bush signs on the freeway (this is where the whole picture thing would've come in really handy) without fear of being hauled off in the middle of the night, thrown into the back of a truck and then taken to a remote location to be shot in the back of the head.” And while that reason for pride in my nation is a great one, I thought there was still something lacking. And then it hit me. The big picture. It’s not just my ability to promote free speech but the ability of all of us to do it, and the fact that we are all doing it in our own way.
Most of the people reading this blog right now are bloggers themselves and the majority of them are folks who advocate and promote free thinking and expression through their own blogs. It’s people like Kvatch with his little green army of patriots. Or The Poetryman, who has the ability to pluck a mundane story from the headlines and turn it into beautiful and inspiring prose. It’s ladies like Kathleen Callon from the California desert posting new and interesting stories that you just won‘t find in the typical media sources, Glenda the Good Witch of Blogdom spreading progressive information throughout the land and always there to give a word of encouragement to a frazzled freewayblogger, Elizabeth Branford with her sharp tongue and even sharper wit, and of course Pissed off Patricia, who has a way of expressing precisely and eloquently the anger I feel at all that is wrong with the world. It’s people like Graeme Anfinson who lives so close to Canada, he can smell the back-bacon wafting throught the rear window of his house and yet still finds the time to write about this country, and of course Rex Kramer himself on whose behalf I have started the Rex Kramer Fund. The fund is a non-profit organization dedicated to raising cash to pay for the expensive surgery that will be required to extricate Kramer’s tongue from the inside of his cheek. I apologize for any of you that I have left out but, as you can guess, all the pot smoking and protest rallies have taken a toll on the old PTCruiser brain cell factory. One person I must mention is Enigma4Ever, patron of the Enigma Café. It was through E4E’s blog that I met all of you and I thank her for that. Just as I thank all of you for doing what you do every day. It’s often frustrating and rarely easy to go about tilting at windmills as we do, but together I believe we all, through our own patriotic efforts, make a tremendous contribution to this country that I love….America.

As a parting shot, there’s a video located in the post below that my underground sources absconded from the Rex Kramer mansion while he was in the process of moving out. It’s a short film of the Danger Seeker himself, prancing around his bedroom during a night of drunken right-wing debauchery. What a tool. Enjoy.

PTCruiser
(Thanks for letting me play in your sandbox, Rex. Oh, and um, watch out for the steaming pile of crap I left underneath the slide.)

Patriotic Dancing

Lefty Love

People on the left love America and always have. We just love it differently.

Conservative Republicans think about America like they would their invalid mother. Their country (right or wrong) is never to be criticized - Just as sainted Mom is always above reproach even while it’s now known that she spent your formative years making extra cash as a hooker.

People on the right fly into a rage if you question anything about American - just like they would if you happened to mention that that their Mom dresses like a slut. They guard the illusion that their country is faultless in its policies like they guard the secret that Mom tried three times to abort them (permanently leaving a coat hanger scar on their withered left bicep).

Conservatives Republicans will vow that they would die for their Mother, and their county – they’ll just do it on their own schedule; because many conservatives have “other priorities than military service.”

No one doubts that the folks on the right love their country and their mothers. But you’re not doing Mom any good by not mentioning her three DUIs and her arrest for meth possession. It’s not helping Mom to look the other way when she shoplifts sirloin steaks from the local Safeway twice a week. And Mom is never going to reconcile with their father until she stops sleeping with Uncle Chester.

The love that lefties have for America is just a strong as the folks on the right, just not quite so blind. Lefties love America like they do their hot friend who’s always playing head games with them, and wearing slutty clothes and expecting us not to get the “wrong” signals. Oh she know exactly what’s she doing…shaking that fine ass in front of us.

People on the left take their country to task for it’s mistakes, just as our friendship compels us to mention that throwing-up in our car is not something a friend does without some just compensation (if you know what I mean). Just try to get that smell out of there! Although, I must say, Febreze helped quite a bit.

Everybody should love their country, but it needs to be a tough love. If your country steps out of line or promises something and doesn’t deliver, then it needs to be held to task. If your country constantly insists on dressing real provocatively and keeps telling you she likes how you look with your shirt off – well that’s a country that’s just asking for it!

Dude - The Blue Republic

My right movement (it’s still floating)

I worked real hard at finding things that would help make me more right-wingish, more conservative in the mold of what is currently the standard for conservatives, and hit upon this video. It is a black guy singing it, that I will admit, but he is singing “America the Beautiful” so that should count. Don’t you just love the old negro spiritual songs, and you have to admit, black people are well hung, right? They sure do make some great fried chicken too. Well I digress, here you go:



Thanks sincerely Rex, I have tried my best to think like a right-wingnut.

Reverend Gisher