BRIGHTHOUSE CABLE CENSORS SG

Incompetence or Conspiracy? You Decide!

(Orlando) The Spurious George staff has occupied its new Kramerica headquarters for all of seven days now, has made 6 calls for service to the local cable company (Brighthouse Networks,) and has enjoyed approximately 1.5 days of cable service; on Monday the incompetent bastards even mistakenly turned the service off intentionally, although they later explained that this action was, like the Clinton era, a "mistake." As SG's internet access is through its cable line (dial-up is for hippies,) there was, as millions of you no doubt noticed, no patriotic post yesterday; in fact, I (Rex Kramer, Seeker of Danger) have been reduced to using the internet access of my government-owned computer just to bring you this message.

Fear not, RexHeads, for the obviously Democrat-owned cable company assures me that SG HQ will be wired by this afternoon. Of course, they said the same thing yesterday. Folks, if you want an idea of how socialized medicine would work in this country if the Howard Deans of the world had their way, look no futher than the efficiency of your local cable provider.

NYT HATES AMERICA…AGAIN!!!

“Tokyo Rose” of Newspapers Addicted to Treason?

(New York) For the second time in less than a year the elitist liberal New York Times has not only given aid and comfort to the enemy, but also fluffed their pillows and tucked them into bed with an awkward kiss on the forehead. Hillary Clinton’s favorite newspaper, not content with letting terrorists know that their phone calls may be monitored, recently revealed to those who would do us harm that their financial transaction records are of interest to the forces of freedom. “We’re at war, and for the Times to release information about secret operations and methods is treasonous,*” patriotically accused Rep. Peter King (R-NY,) chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee. So righteously incensed was the always hyperbole-free King that he contacted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and conveyed to the only Mexican he knows that the newspaper publisher, editor, reporter, and delivery boy should also be investigated, prosecuted, and ultimately hanged from the tallest tree in Brooklyn.

Congressman King’s call for blood was lauded by patriotic pundit Ann Coulter, who has long called for the New York Times headquarters in Manhattan to be napalmed, and who has volunteered to do the staffing herself. “My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is that he did not go to the New York Times Building,*” remarked Coulter, expressing the viewpoint of all right-thinking Americans. “Give me a U-Haul truck, three tons of fertilizer and a fully-occupied Times Building, and I’ll make America infinitely safer!”

Despite the Teutonic talking head’s passion, King’s views weren’t shared by all of his Republican Capitol Hill comrades. Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter (R-PA,) attempted to douse the flames of popular sentiment with his usual Democrat-leaning mealy-mouthiness. “On the basis of the newspaper article, I think it’s premature to call for a prosecution of the New York Times,*” commented Specter and who sounds remarkably like Howard Dean. The senior senator (for now) from Pennsylvania also advocated withholding judgment on Osama bin Laden and Adolph Hitler “until all the facts are in.”

Rep. King was not swayed in his search for righteous vengeance by the treasonous Specter, or by the fact that the same story was reported by others in the print media, including the usually-patriotic Wall Street Journal. The Times, King correctly pointed out, should be held accountable for its actions as it has always been “more concerned about a left-wing elitist agenda than it is about the security of the American people.*” King also pointed out that the Sunday edition is ungainly, and the crossword puzzles are “awful hard.”

While Attorney General Gonzales has not yet ruled out a long-overdue investigation of al Qaeda’s favorite daily, others in the Bush administration strongly believe that the time for niceties has passed. “I’m not saying we’re going to drop a MOAB on them or anything, but I’m not saying we’re not,” giggled a giddy Donald Rumsfeld. “All options are on the table.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

A HEARTY HOORAY FOR HIPPIES!

Rex Returns, Door Hits Hippie Ass on the Way Out

(Orlando) Having completed the arduous journey of about 10 miles to the new Spurious George HQ, intrepid SG reporter Rex Kramer (danger seeker extraordinaire) breathed deep the freedom-scented air of the new digs and found it only slightly befouled by the stench of patchouli. For this, he was thankful.

He was also thankful for the efforts made by the hippie horde that, in his absence, did their best to hide their anti-America coffee house philosophies. In gratitude, he’d love to invite them all to the HQ-warming party…but as Spurious George has relocated to Seminole County, the reddest county in patriotic-red state Florida, he doubts the sheriff would allow them to cross the county line. In fact, upon meeting his neighbors, Rex had (fleeting) doubts that his own level of patriotism was up to local code; just to be safe, be bought out the inventory of the local flag store and decorated SG HQ II accordingly.

In any event, although the move is complete there remains much work to be done (opening the boxes marked “Bush bumper stickers” will take weeks; having the interns apply them all to the HQ exterior will take even longer.) During this transitional period, patriotic posting may, like Ted Kennedy’s liver, be spotty. We here at Spurious George appreciate your patience and your continued PAC contributions during this time.

Once again, a manly expression of thanks to those of you who made “Convert a Hippie Week” a beacon of light for those poor souls who believe that America-loving is beyond their reach. You have done your country a great service, and should be duly proud of your efforts.

Now, get out before Rex releases the hounds.

Pride In An American Dynasty

When Rex asked me to contribute a post to his "Convert a Hippie Week," I had to ask myself what it is that makes me proud to be an American, and at first I was at a loss, but then it came to me...


No not that Dynasty (well, OK that one too), but good old fashioned American political dynasties handed down from father to son (brother, daughter, whomever...you get what I mean). And not just any dynasties mind you. We're talking Republican dynasties here. Because the Grand Old Party doesn't go in for all that scientific deviltry--in-vitro, fertility treatments, cloning! No sir! They create their dynasties the old-fashioned way through procreation in the sanctity of a marriage of one man to one woman.

Democrats? Bah! Couldn't create a decent dynasty if their political future depended on it. I mean just look at the Clintons. One crummy kid, and she's not even interested in politics. Where as with the Bush's it's kids to the left 'o me and kids to the right 'o me. And I shouldn't need to remind you that dynasties aren't made in places like Kennebu--I mean Nantucket! Nope. Real dynasties, big dynasties come from great states like Texas and Florida. Why the three greatest Presidents in US history, Reagan, Bush, and Bush came from Texas. (Ok, ok. I know the Gipper was really from Hippieville, but he had a heart as big as Texas and might as well have been a Bush.)

The United States may have a "special bond" with England, but that doesn't mean that we have to repeat their mistakes by messing around with this whole voting thing, and that's why I'm also proud of our Electoral College, or as I like to call it the "Bush Dynasty Preservation Department". Because let's face it, we're all way too busy managing our Halliburton Financial Personal Social Security Accounts to worry about who should be the next President. We already know who the best person for the job is. A Bush!

In honor of Rex Kramer's own freedom-loving state of Florida and our next President,
John Ellis Jebediah Xavier Bush.

American Music

What makes me proud to be an American?

Music. The music we have produced as a country. From Lead Belly to Miles Davis to Ralph Stanley to KRS-ONE to Kurt Cobain, some of the best self-expression in the last hundred years has been done by American musicians.

You can argue that it was the atmosphere that created many of America's premiere indigenous art forms, and you would be partially correct. The other half of it is the people. We come from all walks of life, from all corners of the earth. It might be a slave singing about the dire circumstances they have been unwillingly shoved into, or a middle class kid from a metropolitan area reacting to the confusing feelings of growing up. Americans have helped people from all over the world cope with situations through the universal language of music.

I dare say the labor movement would have never gained near as much support without the Almanac singers, Woody Guthrie and Pete Seeger. Picture people struggling for civil rights without Billie Holiday singing "Strange Fruit." Nina Simone pulled no punches singing "Mississippi Goddamn." Public Enemy gave me chills down my spine when I first heard "Fight the Power."

It doesn't have to be about politics. I remember the first time I heard the laid-back sounds of Pavement or the how far ahead of their time the Pixies were. I swear after I heard the Velvet Underground for the first time, I thought I was the coolest motherf**ker in town, even though their albums had been out for decades. I walked different.

Anyway, when it comes to what I like about America, it has not as much to do with the country as it does with certain people's reactions to their situations. That makes sense though. A country is nothing but lines on a map, it is the people that make it work.

Everytime I think that my country is in control of liars and murders and I have no voice at all, I find great solace in music. Music is the average person's weapon. I picture an FBI agent at a John Lennon concert scribbling down on a page of paper the words to "John Sinclair." I picture him jotting down "gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta........... set him free!!" I laugh thinking of how silly he must feel. Or at least how silly he should feel.

We, the people of America, will always have music. They, the oligarchy, haven't ever had it. Seriously, have you heard John Ashcroft sing?

America Rocks, Man!

There are so many ways that America kicks ass that I hardly know where to begin!

(Fortunately, I was able to quickly eliminate infant mortality rates, life expectancy, health, education, technological innovation, trade, exports,and a variety of other things.Always helps to narrow the field in the wealthiest of all super powers)

Still, we kick ass! Didn't you hear the Iraqis begging to be like us?

Its a tough subject because, well, we simply kick TOO MUCH ass. But after long and careful thought, it seems that an area where we surpass most everyone on the planet is consumption. So I am here to express my pride at the fact that America uses 25% of the resources of the entire world. Hands down, we win! (crowd cheering) Who knew the enemy was not Communism or terrorism, but Planetarism.

It is not an easy accomplishment, you know. The speed with which we erected these suburbs and shopping malls took a true commitment to the ideals of the American Dream: the ability to own a half acre plot, kill everything, plant displaced shrubs around the perimeter of this monolithic vinyl box of 2.5 bathrooms we love to call home.

Where else but America can you buy dinner through a drive through, but in the sad event that you DO have to get out of a car, there are five spots in America for every registered motor vehicle to make sure that your odds are greatly in favor of walking the shortest distance possible?

Where else but America can you buy muffins for a bake sale being held by a PTA to buy textbooks for children in a school where the Superintendent is paid nine times the salary of a teacher? But there aren't enough books to go around and kids must share them?

Where else but America can people pay as much for their car as 3/4 of their annual salary and think that this is a wise purchase? Where else can a person making minimum wage buy a $400 Coach bag and think this is a good idea?

Where else but America does it cost more to operate the system of tax collection (IRS) than the actual taxes collected for twenty counties worth of people?

YOU must keep the American way going! Go drive somewhere today and get off the computer. Dammit, go to WalMart. Stop being unappreciative whining liberals and go spend money!
There are many things that make America unique, and there are things that EVERY ONE OF YOU CAN DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Are you hippies doing your damn parts? Are you shopping enough, redecorating enough? Eating enough?

Throwing enough away? Changing your mind enough? Hating your clothing enough? Your bodies enough? Your children enough? Are you avoiding them enough? Do you have enough television? ARE YOU SURE?

If not, you just might not be American enough. Go kick someone's ass!

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Pride (in the name of Dissent)

Note: For some reason, I'm unable to upload pictures to the post, so bear with me. It must be my marijuana-soaked brain, and certainly no fault of Blogger.

When Rex Kramer asked me to write a post for Spurious George, I was shocked, to say the least. Anyone who has ever glanced at my blog may notice that it consists mainly of pictures and regurgitated crap that I glean from the internet mixed with the occasional snide remark from yours truly. Hardly the prerequisite for guest-writing on a blog as prestigious and fancifully decorated as this one.

And to top it all off, the gun-toting, Jesus-loving bastard expects me to crank out a piece about what makes me proud to be an American! Talk about pressure. So, over the last couple of weeks, between nail-biting sessions, I’ve been hemming and hawing about what to write. At one point I thought about backing out and telling him I was going on vacation this week. The only problem with that plan was that I wouldn’t be able to do anything on my blog for a week, either. I think he purposely concocted this house-moving stunt to put me through hell. OK, enough of the whining. Ready or not, here it comes.

At first, I thought, “That’s easy. The most obvious thing that makes me proud to be an American is my ability to post anti-Bush signs on the freeway (this is where the whole picture thing would've come in really handy) without fear of being hauled off in the middle of the night, thrown into the back of a truck and then taken to a remote location to be shot in the back of the head.” And while that reason for pride in my nation is a great one, I thought there was still something lacking. And then it hit me. The big picture. It’s not just my ability to promote free speech but the ability of all of us to do it, and the fact that we are all doing it in our own way.
Most of the people reading this blog right now are bloggers themselves and the majority of them are folks who advocate and promote free thinking and expression through their own blogs. It’s people like Kvatch with his little green army of patriots. Or The Poetryman, who has the ability to pluck a mundane story from the headlines and turn it into beautiful and inspiring prose. It’s ladies like Kathleen Callon from the California desert posting new and interesting stories that you just won‘t find in the typical media sources, Glenda the Good Witch of Blogdom spreading progressive information throughout the land and always there to give a word of encouragement to a frazzled freewayblogger, Elizabeth Branford with her sharp tongue and even sharper wit, and of course Pissed off Patricia, who has a way of expressing precisely and eloquently the anger I feel at all that is wrong with the world. It’s people like Graeme Anfinson who lives so close to Canada, he can smell the back-bacon wafting throught the rear window of his house and yet still finds the time to write about this country, and of course Rex Kramer himself on whose behalf I have started the Rex Kramer Fund. The fund is a non-profit organization dedicated to raising cash to pay for the expensive surgery that will be required to extricate Kramer’s tongue from the inside of his cheek. I apologize for any of you that I have left out but, as you can guess, all the pot smoking and protest rallies have taken a toll on the old PTCruiser brain cell factory. One person I must mention is Enigma4Ever, patron of the Enigma Café. It was through E4E’s blog that I met all of you and I thank her for that. Just as I thank all of you for doing what you do every day. It’s often frustrating and rarely easy to go about tilting at windmills as we do, but together I believe we all, through our own patriotic efforts, make a tremendous contribution to this country that I love….America.

As a parting shot, there’s a video located in the post below that my underground sources absconded from the Rex Kramer mansion while he was in the process of moving out. It’s a short film of the Danger Seeker himself, prancing around his bedroom during a night of drunken right-wing debauchery. What a tool. Enjoy.

PTCruiser
(Thanks for letting me play in your sandbox, Rex. Oh, and um, watch out for the steaming pile of crap I left underneath the slide.)

Patriotic Dancing

Lefty Love

People on the left love America and always have. We just love it differently.

Conservative Republicans think about America like they would their invalid mother. Their country (right or wrong) is never to be criticized - Just as sainted Mom is always above reproach even while it’s now known that she spent your formative years making extra cash as a hooker.

People on the right fly into a rage if you question anything about American - just like they would if you happened to mention that that their Mom dresses like a slut. They guard the illusion that their country is faultless in its policies like they guard the secret that Mom tried three times to abort them (permanently leaving a coat hanger scar on their withered left bicep).

Conservatives Republicans will vow that they would die for their Mother, and their county – they’ll just do it on their own schedule; because many conservatives have “other priorities than military service.”

No one doubts that the folks on the right love their country and their mothers. But you’re not doing Mom any good by not mentioning her three DUIs and her arrest for meth possession. It’s not helping Mom to look the other way when she shoplifts sirloin steaks from the local Safeway twice a week. And Mom is never going to reconcile with their father until she stops sleeping with Uncle Chester.

The love that lefties have for America is just a strong as the folks on the right, just not quite so blind. Lefties love America like they do their hot friend who’s always playing head games with them, and wearing slutty clothes and expecting us not to get the “wrong” signals. Oh she know exactly what’s she doing…shaking that fine ass in front of us.

People on the left take their country to task for it’s mistakes, just as our friendship compels us to mention that throwing-up in our car is not something a friend does without some just compensation (if you know what I mean). Just try to get that smell out of there! Although, I must say, Febreze helped quite a bit.

Everybody should love their country, but it needs to be a tough love. If your country steps out of line or promises something and doesn’t deliver, then it needs to be held to task. If your country constantly insists on dressing real provocatively and keeps telling you she likes how you look with your shirt off – well that’s a country that’s just asking for it!

Dude - The Blue Republic

My right movement (it’s still floating)

I worked real hard at finding things that would help make me more right-wingish, more conservative in the mold of what is currently the standard for conservatives, and hit upon this video. It is a black guy singing it, that I will admit, but he is singing “America the Beautiful” so that should count. Don’t you just love the old negro spiritual songs, and you have to admit, black people are well hung, right? They sure do make some great fried chicken too. Well I digress, here you go:



Thanks sincerely Rex, I have tried my best to think like a right-wingnut.

Reverend Gisher

GIVE PEACE-NIKS A CHANCE

Rex Takes a Vacation, Hippies Fill the Void

(Orlando) First came “the Day the Earth Stood Still.” Then, “The Day the Music Died.” Decades later we all bore witness to 9/11, “the Day That Changed Everything©.”

Today, sadly, is “the Day Patriotism Was Silenced”…if only for a week.

Spurious George, the recognized standard-bearer for all that is good and decent in America, has, due to its much-deserved rise in popularity among the masses, outgrown its current home, and tomorrow begins the arduous task of moving into its new digs, SG HQ II. The week-long journey, spearheaded by SG’s founding father Rex Kramer, unfortunately means that Rex will not be educating the unwashed hippies during that time. Although this news is expected to result in a sharp drop in the stock market, a marked increase in oil prices, and an obvious lull in America-loving levels, one must remember that when God closes a door He also opens a window…which is a good thing, because, frankly, this place is going to be smelling like hippies for the next week.

As has been advertised in this space, beginning Sunday this site someplace it has never dared tread…hippieville! Each day for the next week, one of the liberal blogosphere’s most incorrigible freedom-haters will have his or her way with this site like a Kennedy at a co-ed mixer. Under normal circumstances, we here at SG would no sooner turn over the keys of the clubhouse to a pack of hippies than we would let them date our daughters, but we have received assurances from each that they will attempt to write about something that makes them proud to be an American (other than the welfare checks, of course.) As the Danger-Seeker-in-Chief will be unable to monitor their efforts, he asks you, his loyal RexHeads©, to keep an eye on the place in his absence.

That said, he also asks that you encourage his guests, as the true spirit of “Convert a Hippie Week” is just that; a chance for the unreformed leftist to see what’s so right about the Right. Take them under your broad Right Wing, and make them feel like part of the winning team. Barring, that, at least encourage them to shower more often!

PRESIDENT KARL ROVE?

Don’t Laugh: Turd Blossom “the Perfect Candidate”

(Salem, NH) While officially just enjoying a much-deserved vacation, Karl Rove’s appearance in the state that traditionally holds the nation’s first presidential primary has only fueled rumors that the mastermind behind so many successful campaigns will himself seek the highest office in 2008. Loyal to a fault, the cuddly bear of a man known as “Turd Blossom” to his legions of fans has thus far to make any announcement that would steal any thunder from his boss; however, taking a break from his prayer retreat Rove addressed a gathering of local John Birch Society members and engaged in the type of rhetoric that has served GOP candidates well in the past.

“They may be with you for the first few bullets but they won't be there for the last tough battles*," Rove said of infamous cutters-and-runners Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) and Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) and their “I was for the war before I was against it” flip-flop on the Iraqi War.” The accusation was classic Rove: while technically questioning the liberals’ commitment to bringing freedom to the Middle East, Kerry and Murtha’s service records were also challenged. Such tactics, effective as they have been in recent elections, clearly mark “the Architect” as a political comer.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself; by that I mean ol’ Turd Blossom speaked it right,” articulately summarized Rove’s good friend and possible predecessor, President Bush. The President cited Rove’s willingness to do anything (“and I mean anything”) to win as a sure sign of future political prosperity. “If you ask me, and he does, Karl is the perfect candidate.”

Rove’s attack on others’ military histories was even more impressive given his own lack of service. For example, while John Kerry was “earning” the Purple Hearts he would later toss treasonously onto the White House lawn, Rove was supporting the troops by remaining stateside and spearheading the campaigns of pro-America Republican candidates. “Let me tell you something: it took balls to avoid Vietnam service in 1968. You have to remember, back then it was a very popular war,” reminisced Vice President Cheney, who also heroically refused the “popular thing” and make himself available for the draft. “It takes even larger balls I question, no matter how legitimately, the service records of those who caved into peer pressure and went over there. The man who’s willing to do that is a man I’d follow anywhere…or maybe even serve as Vice President.”

* - Actual Quote

MEN AGREE: THEY WANT CONDI!

Seductive Sec of State Voted “Super Sexiest”

(New York) So much for the adage that “politics is show business for ugly people!”

Today Esquire magazine announced that a poll of its male readers revealed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as the woman with whom they would most like to escort to a dinner party (and by that, of course, they mean “have sex with.”) In the final rankings the scintillating Secretary smoked silver screen sirens such as Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Jessica Simpson and Angelina Jolie…an encouraging sign that men are beginning to value conservative substance over Hollywood-elite superficiality. “Condi has it all,” commented California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man well-known to be extremely appreciative of the female attributes. “Brains, power, and the one thing that any politician, whether they be an Austrian-born action hero or an Alabama-born professor, needs: a massive tooth-gap.”

While Condi’s dental soup-strainer is a major turn-on for many, others cited her more intangible qualities as her main draw. “Frankly, I find her loyalty the most attractive thing about her,” admitted a clearly-smitten Dick Cheney. “If those around me were as loyal as Condi, Scooter wouldn’t have acted alone, that lawyer wouldn’t have stepped in front on that quail, and my daughter would be straight.

Former White House spokesman Scott McClellan also admitted an inner-circle crush on the Sexy Secretary. “Her ability to lie through her gapped teeth, I have to admit, gets me randy.” McClellan revealed that there were times during interviews that Rice was so effectively spinning the talking points that, “I wanted to take her right then and there, and have her sneer dirty, dirty lies into my ear!”

Despite her new sex-symbol status, Rice says she still has no plans to capitalize on her movie-star looks. “I’ve turned down Playboy many times, of course. As a woman of principle and accomplishment, I will never reduce myself to exposing flesh for the enjoyment of others…unless the National Review calls, of course.”

PATRIOTISM IS POOPED

Rex Kramer Sleep-Walks Through His Daily Post

Ed. Note: SG’s freedom-loving reporter Rex Kramer, as some of you know, Seeks Danger© not only among the liberally-misinformed, but also on the mean streets of Central Florida. Like Batman (but without the homo-erotic body armor) he is always on-duty, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365.25 days a year. Sometimes, his eternal vigilance against the forces of evil takes its toll on his seemingly-endless supply of energy, and today is one of those days (the skies above Orlando were illuminated with the “Rex Light” this morning at 2 a.m. and again at 7 a.m. Evil, it seems, never sleeps in.) With that in mind, please excuse his abbreviated post.

“Convert a Hippie Week” Update

(Orlando) Showing that maybe, just maybe, not all liberals are inclined to cut and run, a number of the blogosphere’s most notorious America-haters have accepted the challenge of writing as a friend of democracy (if only for a day) during Spurious George’s “Convert a Hippie Week” (June 18th-24th.)

Among those who regularly bad-mouth their country but who will try to find something…anything…that makes them proud to be an American are the Reverend Billy Bob Gisher (Less People Less Idiots,) Dude (The Blue Republic,) PTCruiser (PTCruiser,) Elizabeth Branford (Lose the Noose,) Graeme (Holding N. Dakota’s Breath,) and Kvatch (Blognonymous.) While these people would normally be candidates for smiting, one can’t but help admire their willingness to step outside of their hippie skins for a chance at a better (and more America-loving) future. We here at Spurious George request that all of our dedicated RexHeads© support their rehabilitative efforts by visiting this site during Convert a Hippie Week and encouraging their pseudo-patriotic efforts.

JOHN MURTHA COUNTS CHICKENS

Cutter-and-Runner Wants House Leadership Role

(Washington) It is now clear to most right-thinking Americans that not only is Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) a chicken, but he also counts them before they hatch. Murtha, who many will recall led the cowardly movement to have our brave men and women in uniform withdrawn from Iraq before the mission there is truly accomplished, this week announced he’ll seek the House Majority Leader post in the unlikely event the Democrats take control of the House in November. “Our goal is to win the House back and if there's an open seat, I'm the candidate,” Murtha wrote in a letter sent, at the overburden taxpayers’ expense, to each of the few remaining Democrats in Congress.

Republicans who inadvertently received a copy of the letter were stunned, as most assumed the only goal of the Democratic Party was to have everyone hate America as much as they do. “I think it’s great that the other party has goals,” completely-innocent former House Leader Tom DeLay observed. “This is what America’s all about, after all: overreaching and falling humiliatingly short.” DeLay also added that the Democrats are so incompetent that he doubts they could find K Street with both hands in Jack Abramoff’s pockets.

Also questioning the abilities of the minority party was current (and future) Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH.) “Everybody wants the trappings of power, but when you get there you find out how hard the job is. Just ask my good friend, President Bush.” Boehner revealed that he and Bush often chat late into the night about how few comprehend the burden that comes with their positions. “The Democrats say they want the power? They want the power? They can’t HANDLE the power!!!”

As for Murtha, few believe that he’d have the support of his own pathetic party if (and that’s a mighty big ‘if’) the Democrats brainwash enough voters this mid-term election. “Congressman Murtha’s military record makes him unacceptably patriotic for the liberal faction that controls that party,” accurately assessed Karl Rove. “That same service, as we proved with John Kerry, also makes him unelectable. Frankly, I’d be surprised if he were elected dog catcher.”

AL GORE’S NAZI LEANINGS EXPOSED!

“An Inconvenient Truth” Goebbels-esque Propaganda

(Nashville) Quick! Can you name the former megalomaniac Vice President who was intolerant of other religious faiths, believed that white people alone deserved to live, and who was bent on world domination? Technically, the correct answer would be “Richard Nixon,” but the far more shocking and thus more news-worthy answer is Al Gore! Gore, who it now seems invented the internet as a means of disseminating his twisted theories of hate, had his true character revealed this week by world-famous Nazi hunter Glenn Beck. Beck made the discovery while watching Gore’s latest piece of fiction schlock, An Inconvenient Truth, a propaganda piece that would’ve made Josef Goebbels proud. “It’s like Hitler. Hitler said a little bit of truth, and then he mixed in ‘and it’s the Jews’ fault.’ That’s where things get a little troublesome, and that’s exactly what’s happening* (in An Inconvenient Truth.)”

Although Gore’s film is doing about as well as the Dixie Chicks’ tour of the Bible Belt, patriots such as Beck fear that the film’s message could have a profound effect on the weak-minded, which, as only liberals would even consider paying to hear Al Gore drone on, would constitute 100% of the audience. “If Adolph Hitler had been born the son of a US Senator, attended exclusive private schools, and narrowly won the Presidency, he’d be Al Gore,” reasonably accused Beck. “As a persecuted white German-American male, this terrifies me.”

Shortly after Beck’s exposure of Gore as a Jew-hating fascist, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that the former Vice President had been the subject of a five year-long investigation aimed at uncovering the source of his anti-Americanism. “Through necessary and completely legal wiretapping of Mr. Gore’s phones, we have learned that he is a card-carrying member of the ACLU, which we believe is the notorious Aryan Concerned about Lesser Under-classes.” Gonzales expressed his regret that, unlike Germany, the United States has no law against denying the Holocaust. “However, it is against the law to claim that you invented the Holocaust, which we’re sure Herr Gore will do eventually.”

When informed of the news, even long-time associates of Gore’s expressed little shock. “Sure, he brought me onto the ticket 2000, but it was clear to me right from the start that he was an anti-Semite,” reminisced Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT,) who despite being a Democrat, only slightly hates America. “I mean, when he asked me to be his running mate, he said that together we’d be the ‘final solution’ for America.” Lieberman also stated that during the campaign Gore once disappeared for weeks; only later did he learn that the Vice President had invaded Poland.

*-Actual Quote

VERMONT: WELCOME TO HELL!

Gate to Satan’s Lair Opens in Howard Dean’s Backyard

(Wells River, VT) In hindsight, it now seems obvious that Howard Dean’s 2004 infamous scream was not the cry for psychiatric help once thought, but rather the result of a Satanic curse that compelled America’s pre-eminent freedom-hater to speak in tongues.

A gateway to hell that recently opened its hellish maw in the former governor’s backyard surprised few, as it has long been expected that the out-of-the-mainstream Dean long-ago sold his soul to Satan for the chance to be a “legitimate” player in national politics. The anticipated appearance of “hell’s hallway” in Vermont was shocking only in that it was so long in coming. “Quite frankly, I expected the devil would call in his note soon after Kerry accepted the nomination,” slurred Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA,) who has been avoiding the Dark Lord’s debt collectors for decades now. “If I know Satan, and trust me, I do, he’s always gonna get paid.” Kennedy then excused himself, and subsequently sacrificed the last remaining Massachusetts virgin on his Hyannisport stone altar.

While secular Vermonters have feebly described the hole that suddenly appeared on the grounds of the Dean estate as a collapsed septic system, credible sources contacted by Spurious George say otherwise. Senator Jim Jeffords (I-VT,) a longtime neighbor of Dean’s and someone who, despite leaving the Republican party, can probably still be trusted more than any Democrat, described hearing unearthly voices hauntingly echoing up from the nightmarish opening. “I distinctly heard FDR, JFK, and, I think, Hubert H. Humphrey, crying out in agony,” testified Jeffords. “While it was hard to hear exactly what they were saying, as rats were chewing on their entrails and all, I’m pretty sure I heard ‘Hillary in 2008!”

CLINTON BEATS UP HELPLESS WOMAN

Ann Coulter Victimized by Former “Misogynist-in-Chief”

(New York) Former President Bill Clinton, evidently not satisfied with bringing dishonor to the White House, today attempted to bring dishonor to America’s sweetheart by allowing his out-of-control wife to question patriotic pundit Ann Coulter’s views on 9/11 (“The Day That Changed Everything©.”) As if that weren’t enough, the former presidential philanderer later inappropriately propositioned the virginal vision of virtue by, according to reliable sources, inviting her to join Clinton and his sexually-ambiguous wife for a night of “bi-partisan bi-sexuality” at the Waldorf-Astoria the Clintons list as their official New York address.

“Now I know how Monica felt,” credibly sobbed a clearly offended Coulter to women’s rights advocate Rush Limbaugh’s national radio audience. “First they questioned my womanly abilities, and then they tried to take advantage of them. I’d ask if they have no shame, but we all know that question was answered long ago.”

Coulter’s traumatic ordeal began early in the day, when she and “Senator” Clinton crossed paths at a 5th Avenue Barnes and Noble. Coulter, of course, was there to appease the thousands of right-thinking Americans waiting in line for her autograph on the next great piece of American literature, Godless: The Church of Liberalism, while “Hedonist Hillary” was engrossed with her daily purveying of the retailer’s offerings in the “America-Hating” section. That’s when Clinton, displaying a false sense of entitlement “earned” by engaging in a sham marriage with America’s worst President, lumbered to the front of the line and accosted the nation’s nicest neo-con.

“Hillary, all the while trying to look down my blouse even though it was buttoned to the neck, called me a ‘dirty, dirty girl’ for questioning the motives of the 9/11 widows, and also panted that “I need to be spanked.’ Coulter responded by calmly summoning her Secret Service detail, who briefly detained the pseudo-New Yorker while Coulter bravely retreated from the scene in an armor-plated Humvee.

Believing the ugly incident was behind her, Coulter relaxed while enjoying high tea at the Waldorf, when she was approached by a “waiter” bearing a disturbing resemblance to Al Gore. This member of the servant class delivered a hand-written note etched upon old, fading White House stationary inviting chaste Coulter to join the writer (self-identified as “Bubba”) and “the old lady” in the ex-Presidential suite. Displaying the kind of grace under pressure exclusive to conservatives, Coulter instead paid the “waiter” a small sum to take her place in the suite’s sexual sickness. “If he’s a Democrat, I’m sure he enjoyed it,” correctly surmised Coulter, a prim-yet-mischievous grin upon her face.

BORDER DEFENSE OUT-SOURCED TO INDIA

Indian Army’s “Rat Brigade” Effective and Cost-Friendly

(Calcutta) In a progressive move no Democrat would have ever considered, the Defense Department today announced that the US Border Patrol and Army Reserves and Guardsman currently keeping the US safe from the Mexican horde would soon be reinforced by the Indian Army’s infamous Rat Brigade. This specialized unit is currently deployed in the northeast part of India, where they are wrapping up combat operations against a massive incursion of rodents intent on destroying the Indian high standard of living. “They are filthy vermin, unworthy of life,” spat military spokesman Lieutenant Colonel Santanu Dev Goswami. “They cross uninvited into our territory, reproduce at an ungodly rate, and deprive our local form workers of their livelihood. Truly, there is no lower creature on the face of the Earth.”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld begged to disagree with the Indian Army’s official, but stated his belief that their skills are more than applicable for the defense of the Rio Grande. “It’s no great secret that we have our own little pest problem,” understated the Pentagon chief. “These people are the best at what they do, and even better, they work cheap.” Rumsfeld assertion was backed up by the wording of an emergency defense spending bill now before the House, in which the 10,000-man brigade is expected to cost taxpayers approximately 18 gazillion rupees, or $1.25, per day.

The benefits of such a bargain were not lost of new Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. “As a former CEO of a wealth-management group, I know better than most the upside of cheap foreign labor,” boasted the former Goldman-Sachs chief. “The fact is they can provide the same level of quality as the lazy, unionized American worker for pennies on the dollar. Anyone who has ever shopped at Wal-Mart can tell you that.” Paulson quickly added that he himself had never shopped at Wal-Mart, but he was fairly certain that many of his Mexican maids did.

The outsourcing also found an unlikely ally in Jim Gilchrist of the Minuteman Project, who stated that he supports any measure that helps keep the little brown menace at bay. “I have no qualm with the Indians. As long as they come in, do their jobs, and go back to where they came from, they’ll be my best non-white friends.” Gilchrist added that it weren’t for the fact that the Indians worship cows and reject Jesus Christ, they’d be “almost as good as Americans.”

As for the Rat Brigade’s mission, they are expected to take on a more pre-emptive role than other forces arrayed across the border. The unit’s soldiers, all of whom have been re-named “Kevin” to make them seem more Anglo-friendly, will deploy traditional tools of their trade to hunt for the pesky intruders, as well as more contemporary “natural enemies” of their targets. “We have found that both anti-personnel mines and air-to-ground missiles do quite nicely,” avowed Lt. Kevin of the Rat Brigade. “Our motto is, ‘kill them all and let Kali sort them out.”

“CONVERT A HIPPIE WEEK” MOVES AHEAD(SHOPPE)

Freedom-Hating Hippies to Take Over SG June 18th-24th!

(SG HQ) Even as invitations to join “Convert a Hippie Week” continue to be sent out on (of course) recycled paper, the Spurious George HQ mailroom, staffed by Ivy League school drop-outs, has been flooded with responses. We’ll be posting a full schedule of which liberals will be hijacking this site from June 18th through the 24th later this week, but rest assured that those already committed constitute a “who’s who” of blogosphere America-hating!

For the uninitiated, during “Convert a Hippie Week,” Rex Kramer will be incommunicado, and thus has opened the doors of Spurious George to the most egregious of rejectionists/defeatists…with one caveat; they must write about something….anything…that makes them proud to be an American. Those invited to post in Rex’s absence are without a doubt talented, although it makes the Baby Jesus cry to see them waste their talents hating America as they do. Hopefully, a little Spurious George magic will rub off on them, and they’ll see through rose (white an blue) glasses why this is the greatest country in the history of everything!

SG DECLARES JUNE 18-24 “CONVERT A HIPPIE WEEK”

7 Lucky Liberals Take Rex’s Place (as if!) for a Day

(Orlando) Freedom not only isn’t free, it never takes a vacation. Nor, it seems, does Spurious George’s resident workaholic, Rex Kramer. He does, however, take time off from work to move his family from freedom-loving Orlando to…an even more freedom-loving section of Orlando (in the last election, 7% of rejectionists in his district voted Democratic, dropping property values significantly.) In fact, that’s exactly what Rex will be doing the week of June 18th-24th, and as a result, will be unable to bring his personal brand of Jesus-approved patriotism to the masses during that time (it’s ok to cry; we won’t think you’re too gay.)

Of course, Rex could have enlisted the help of cadre of conservative comrades in the pundit business to post patriotic preachings on this site in his stead, but no, that’s exactly what Howard Dean would expect him to do (besides, Rush has to go to the pharmacy…every day, it seems.) Instead, he has decided to thwart expectations by creating a social experiment reminiscent of FDR…no, wait, bad example…along the lines of J. Robert Oppenheimer! Instead of getting your America-loving fill from the usual sources, Rex will choose seven lucky liberals from the left-leaning blogosphere, who will, for just one day, slough off their hemp-stained skin and delve head (shoppe)-first into the cleansing baptismal waters of Patriotism Pond! That’s right, RexHeads©, each day for an entire week, under the banner of “Convert a Hippie Week,” the net’s most notorious, nattering nabobs of negativity will, no doubt through gritted teeth, attempt to write about something they love about America. Folks, this is akin to asking Ted Kennedy to lay off the hootch or Hillary Clinton to lay off the ho’s, but if anyone can pull it off, we know Rex can!

Now, you may be asking yourselves which internet insurgents will be allowed to enter the hallowed halls of Kramerica©. Good question, although you should know that no good conservative ever questions authority. The fact is that those chosen for this experiment have yet to be actually, um, chosen. That said, the Spurious George editorial staff knows exactly what it’s looking for: those further to the left than Russ Feingold’s lesbian aunt. While we have a few candidates in mind, we’re not above entertaining nominations from the hippie horde; so let’s hear it, hippies…who hates America the most?

“Winners” will be notified later this week. If you’re not selected, take solace in the fact that it was probably because you were deemed to not entirely hate everything about America. In any event, those selected will be required to submit one post concerning something (anything) they love about their country. Should be interesting.

Do you know a blogger who hates America more than any French waiter? Nominate them (or, God help you, yourself) in the comments section.