There are so many ways that America kicks ass that I hardly know where to begin!
(Fortunately, I was able to quickly eliminate infant mortality rates, life expectancy, health, education, technological innovation, trade, exports,and a variety of other things.Always helps to narrow the field in the wealthiest of all super powers)
Still, we kick ass! Didn't you hear the Iraqis begging to be like us?
Its a tough subject because, well, we simply kick TOO MUCH ass. But after long and careful thought, it seems that an area where we surpass most everyone on the planet is consumption. So I am here to express my pride at the fact that America uses 25% of the resources of the entire world. Hands down, we win! (crowd cheering) Who knew the enemy was not Communism or terrorism, but Planetarism.
It is not an easy accomplishment, you know. The speed with which we erected these suburbs and shopping malls took a true commitment to the ideals of the American Dream: the ability to own a half acre plot, kill everything, plant displaced shrubs around the perimeter of this monolithic vinyl box of 2.5 bathrooms we love to call home.
Where else but America can you buy dinner through a drive through, but in the sad event that you DO have to get out of a car, there are five spots in America for every registered motor vehicle to make sure that your odds are greatly in favor of walking the shortest distance possible?
Where else but America can you buy muffins for a bake sale being held by a PTA to buy textbooks for children in a school where the Superintendent is paid nine times the salary of a teacher? But there aren't enough books to go around and kids must share them?
Where else but America can people pay as much for their car as 3/4 of their annual salary and think that this is a wise purchase? Where else can a person making minimum wage buy a $400 Coach bag and think this is a good idea?
Where else but America does it cost more to operate the system of tax collection (IRS) than the actual taxes collected for twenty counties worth of people?
YOU must keep the American way going! Go drive somewhere today and get off the computer. Dammit, go to WalMart. Stop being unappreciative whining liberals and go spend money!There are many things that make America unique, and there are things that EVERY ONE OF YOU CAN DO EVERY SINGLE DAY. Are you hippies doing your damn parts? Are you shopping enough, redecorating enough? Eating enough?
Throwing enough away? Changing your mind enough? Hating your clothing enough? Your bodies enough? Your children enough? Are you avoiding them enough? Do you have enough television? ARE YOU SURE?
If not, you just might not be American enough. Go kick someone's ass!