SUPREME COURT SPANKS TATTLE-TELLERS

Whistle-Blowing Decreed Un-American

(Washington) Ask any red-blooded American boy on our nation’s playgrounds, and he’ll tell you that nobody likes a snitch. Some of those boys, if they love America enough, grow up to be Supreme Court Justices, and today five of them voted to take the whistle-blowers’ balls and go home. “There ought to be limits to freedom*,” responded President Bush, another former all-American boy who grew up loving America, when informed of the court’s decision. “I mean, I didn’t see ‘tattling’ mentioned in the 2nd Amendment. It is the 2nd Amendment, right? The one that talks about the freedom of speech thing? Damn, there’s so many of them it makes my head hurt!”

Citing landmark precedents such as Loose Lips v. Sinks Ships and Bounces Off Me v. Sticks to You, Justices Kennedy, Scalia, Alito, Roberts and Thomas decided that a nation of government squealers is not one they wanted to live in. With the ruling, government employees who report the alleged “wrong-doings” of their more America-loving superiors will be unable to sue the government in the event their careers are (rightfully) negatively affected by their treason. “This decision effectively kills two birds with one stone,” expressed Justice Kennedy in writing for the majority. “I can think of few things less patriotic than tattling and frivolous lawsuits. This court today, it is my hope and the hope of all right-thinking Americans, puts an end to both.”

While the case somewhat eased the minds of those in government who think of nothing but how to keep you safe from the terrorist horde, it is the continued actions of another terrorist horde that still concerns those who love America so much that sometimes they’re forced to do things that might, upon first glance, appear less-than-legal. “The media still has way too much freedom,” accurately assessed White House spokesman Tony Snow. Snow, a former fair-and-balanced journalist, knows better than most the dangers a free press presents to a democracy fighting an undeclared, never-ending war. “It is the President’s hope that the Supreme Court will choose to hear the merits of Freedom of the Press v. Freedom FROM the Press soon.

* - Indicates Actual Quote

POETRY FOR PATRIOTIC PONDERING

Today, Hug a Soldier (It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay)

“Bivouac of the Dead” by Theodore O’Hara
(Inscribed upon the McClellan Gate of Arlington National Cemetary)

The muffled drum's sad roll has beat The soldier's last tattoo; No more on Life's parade shall meet That brave and fallen few. On fame's eternal camping ground Their silent tents to spread, And glory guards, with solemn round The bivouac of the dead.

No rumor of the foe's advance Now swells upon the wind; Nor troubled thought at midnight haunts Of loved ones left behind; No vision of the morrow's strife The warrior's dreams alarms; No braying horn or screaming fife At dawn shall call to arms.

Their shriveled swords are red with rust, Their plumed heads are bowed, Their haughty banner, trailed in dust, Is now their martial shroud.And plenteous funeral tears have washed The red stains from each brow, And the proud forms, by battle gashed Are free from anguish now.

The neighing troop, the flashing blade, The bugle's stirring blast, The charge, the dreadful cannonade, The din and shout, are past; Nor war's wild note, nor glory's peal Shall thrill with fierce delight Those breasts that nevermore may feel The rapture of the fight.

Like the fierce Northern hurricane That sweeps the great plateau, Flushed with triumph, yet to gain, Come down the serried foe, Who heard the thunder of the fray Break o'er the field beneath, Knew the watchword of the day Was "Victory or death!"

Long had the doubtful conflict raged O'er all that stricken plain, For never fiercer fight had waged The vengeful blood of Spain; And still the storm of battle blew, Still swelled the glory tide; Not long, our stout old Chieftain knew, Such odds his strength could bide.

Twas in that hour his stern command Called to a martyr's grave The flower of his beloved land, The nation's flag to save. By rivers of their father's gore His first-born laurels grew, And well he deemed the sons would pour Their lives for glory too.

For many a mother's breath has swept O'er Angostura's plain -- And long the pitying sky has wept Above its moldered slain. The raven's scream, or eagle's flight, Or shepherd's pensive lay, Alone awakes each sullen height That frowned o'er that dread fray.

Sons of the Dark and Bloody Ground Ye must not slumber there, Where stranger steps and tongues resound Along the heedless air. Your own proud land's heroic soil Shall be your fitter grave; She claims from war his richest spoil -- The ashes of her brave.

Thus 'neath their parent turf they rest, Far from the gory field, Borne to a Spartan mother's breast On many a bloody shield; The sunshine of their native sky Smiles sadly on them here, And kindred eyes and hearts watch by The heroes sepulcher.

Rest on embalmed and sainted dead! Dear as the blood ye gave; No impious footstep here shall tread The herbage of your grave; Nor shall your glory be forgot While Fame her record keeps, For honor points the hallowed spot Where valor proudly sleeps.

Yon marble minstrel's voiceless stone In deathless song shall tell, When many a vanquished ago has flown, The story how ye fell; Nor wreck, nor change, nor winter's blight, Nor time's remorseless doom, Can dim one ray of glory's light That gilds your deathless tomb.

AG, FBI DIRECTOR THREATEN TO CUT AND RUN

Gonzales’ and Mueller’s Loyalty and Patriotism Questioned

(Washington) How corrupt Congressman William Jefferson (D-LA) sleeps at night is anyone’s guess. Not only has the disgraced representative brought more dishonor upon the federal government than any other official since his namesake William Jefferson Clinton, he now seems intent on destroying the Department of Justice. At long last, Mr. Jefferson, have you no sense of decency?

Jefferson, who appears to hate both America and honest government, recently had his Congressional office lawfully searched by FBI agents as part of an ongoing investigation (code-named “Big Easy Money”) of the representative’s acceptance of bribe money. Apparently, the fact that Jefferson’s office had ignored weeks worth of subpoenas and agents were forced to obtain a search warrant offended the Congressman and his corrupt (i.e. Democratic) cohorts, so much so that they whined like spoiled brats denied a new bauble. Their pathetic cries of “no fair” were so persuasive, stalwarts of integrity such as Dennis Hastert inexplicably took up their cause (note: while unconfirmed, there are rumors that Hastert is recovering from an infection of mad cow disease.)

Displaying the wisdom of Solomon, President Bush prudently sealed evidence seized during the lawful search for 45 days; presumably, enough time to expose the liberal lamentations for the sour grapes that they are. However, it now appears that previously-loyal administration officials such as Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and FBI Director Robert Mueller have treasonously threatened to resign if the President returns to documents to the Congressional criminal.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists during the War on Terror©,” sternly warned President Bush when advised of his underlings’ uppity-ness. “You see, when you make threats based on what I, as the Decider, decide, you’re a terrorist. And I’m not going to negotiate with those folks. May God continue to bless America.” Bush declined to address whether or not Gonzales and Mueller would be rendered to a third-world nation that sanctions torture, stating only that “all options are on the table.”

Others who, unlike the Treasonous Twosome, continue to love America were not so kind. “If I was still in office, I’d slather myself in Crisco, gather a mandatory staff prayer meeting, and follow George Bush to the gates of hell,” patriotically asserted former Attorney General John Ashcroft. “Alberto’s disregard for the law makes him no better than a Mexican who crosses the border and steals our jobs! In fact, has anyone asked him for his green card?”

FBI Director Mueller did not go unscathed as renowned pundits rushed to decry his lack of patriotism. “The intelligence community needs leadership that does the President’s bidding without question, or with muddying his orders up with ‘facts’ and ‘Constitutional issue,” rightly testified former CIA Director George Tenet. “Frankly, I don’t see a Presidential Medal of Freedom in his future. I have one, you know. Want to see it? It’s shiny!”

While neither Gonzales nor Mueller have been formerly charged with treason and/or dereliction of duty, indictments seem inevitable. Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, recently reassigned from his investigation of partisan charges against former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff I. Lewis Libby to look into allegations that Senator Russ Feingold hates America, was again re-assigned to probe the Democracy-Hating Duo’s doings. Go get ‘em, Fitz!

McCAIN STILL ONE OF US

“GOP-Lite” Senator Embraces Falwell, America

(Lynchburg, VA) Ever since the 2000 primary season, when an uppity John McCain (R-AZ) dared to challenge the inevitable coronation of George W. Bush, party faithful have openly wondered if the Arizona maverick is “one of us.” In a party where loyalty is admired and demanded much more than such trivial things as “competence” and “accountability,” McCain’s flirting with a spot on the 2004 Democratic ticket was akin to Judas-esque treason in the eyes of the GOP faithful. “Fu*k John McCain,” Vice President Dick Cheney broken-heartedly commented at the time. “He’s dead to me! Dead!”

It is often said that only Nixon could go to China, and it appears now that only McCain could thumb his malformed nose at those who gave him everything and still return with a chance to succeed The Greatest President Ever. This month McCain began to trek toward Republican rehabilitation by visiting Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, where he gave the commencement address and, reportedly, found Jesus. During his speech, scouted by star-makers Ken Mehlman and Karl Rove, McCain properly called on the graduating class to, “go forth and do the Lord’s work. Bash gays! Stop abortion, especially in the cases of rape and incest! Take the Crusade against the heathen horde up a notch!” McCain went on to thank Jesus and President Bush, “without whom I wouldn’t even be here.”

Also in the audience was a pleased Rev. Jerry Falwell, who spoke glowingly about McCain’s presidential aspirations in 2008. “As you all know, gays caused 9/11. Finally, I believe that America might have a candidate who understands that.” While stopping short of giving his, and thus Jesus’, endorsement, Falwell testified that our nation could do far worse than John McCain. “Who would God want with their finger on ‘the button:’ a military man like Senator McCain, or a woman like Senator Clinton, who certainly has fingered a few buttons in her time, if you know what I mean.”

While McCain’s political resurrection is assuring to many who previously believed that he had “switched to the other team,” other presidential aspirants presented their own Jesus-loving bona fides. “I hate fags, too!” proclaimed Senator Bill Frist (R-TN,) who’s not only a doctor, but plays one on the Senate floor, too. “Besides, I know that God wants me to be President, just like God wanted George Bush to be President. I support the President, by the way. His numbers haven’t gone down today, have they?”

Equally indignant was Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA,) who appears to have foregone his re-election bid for a shot at the White House in 2008. “Where was John McCain when I was defending Terri Schiavo, and thus Jesus?” Santorum, a man so opposed to abortion that he has offered to create a federal program that would pay for all unwanted babies to attend private Virginia schools, wondered aloud if McCain’s sudden conversion wasn’t politically motivated. “Some people will do anything to get elected. Hey, did I mention that I’m a champion of the poor?”

While Senator McCain may have taken his first baby steps toward reconciliation with the GOP, party insiders have revealed that he still has a way to go. “I’ll believe that John McCain’s for real when he kills a Mexican with his own bare hands,” reasonably explained Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO.)

BUSH LEAGUE: GOVERNOR TO LEAD NFL

Prez: Jeb Would Be “Heckuva Commissioner!”

(Tallahassee) When short-sighted Floridians enacted a state constitutional amendment limiting the governor to two consecutive terms, the poor misguided souls had no way of knowing that they’d be foregoing the chance to be led for four more years by a man former Supreme Court-nominee Harriet Miers described as “just the most swell governor ever in the history of everything!” Florida’s loss, however, appears to be America’s gain, as a soon-to-be unemployed Jeb Bush has been tabbed to be the next NFL commissioner.

While the formal announcement has not yet been made, right-thinking football insiders say that the job is the governor’s if he wants it. Heisman Trophy winner and New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush, for example, believes it’s a natural fit. “Who’s Jeb Bush?” asked the former USC Trojan, who, like the President, is entirely too busy to be bothered with reading a newspaper. “No matter, if his name is Bush, I’m certain he’s someone who cares about black people. He gets my vote.” When informed that players do not elect the commissioner, but rather the selected candidate is chosen by a closed and secretive group of old white men, the astute athlete remarked, “Oh, like the Presidency, then? Well, ok, as long as it’s democratic, I’m all for it!”

President Bush, upon hearing that his younger brother has expressed an interest in the job, withdrew his earlier endorsement of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “Don’t get me wrong; Condi would’ve done a heckuva job, I’m sure, but I know in my heart that Jeb will do a heckuva-er job!” The President, however, lamented that the man who would do the “heckuva-est job,” Michael Brown, has returned to the illustrious field of Arabian horse show promotion.

While publicly denying any plans for future employment, the governor’s family confirmed that the governor is ready to play political football. Reached at the Orange County Jail (where we assume she was teaching inmates how to read,) daughter Noelle Bush expressed her firm belief that her father was the right man for the job. “Maybe with him out of office, I can finally get a fix of oxycontin without my face ending up in the news.” Jeb’s son John Bush, speaking from the stool at a Tallahassee bar, slurred his support for his popular father. “I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!” As any teenager can tell you, “I hate him,” is in fact what the cool kids say when they mean, “Jeb Bush would bring to the National Football League the same visionary leadership that has made Florida the envy of the nation.” John Bush then threw up repeatedly, another sign of paternal respect.

This post represents Rex Kramer’s 200th post. Yes, he realizes that he’s wasting his life.

IT’S SMITING SEASON!

Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Elections (Oh My!)

(Miami) The Lord, if the Rev. Pat Robertson heard Him correctly (and we have no doubt that he did,) has sent warnings of imminent tsunamis in the Pacific Northwest. Today, the National Hurricane Center that the upcoming season, which begins on June 1st, could bring 8-10 killer hurricanes to America’s shores. Last, but not least, the 2006 mid-term elections are still scheduled (barring an unanticipated, but possibly necessary executive emergency order to cancel them) for this November. What does this mean to you, the God-fearing American?

It’s “smiting season,” baby!!!

While less Jesus-loving beings (we’re looking at you, scientific community) might see these catastrophic happenings as random occurrences, those who have learned everything they need to know from the Bible and dedicated viewing of The 700 Club are convinced that these are signs that a just but vengeful God is fixin’ to do some housecleaning, Old Testament-style! “Hurricanes? Tsunamis? Elections? Oh, my!” exclaimed newly-appointed Secretary of Church and State Rick Santorum. “Clearly, the Almighty is upset with the way the liberal agenda has been running this country the past five years.” Santorum added that it was uncertain what specific affront most angered God, but did admit that the possible causes were infinite. “Gay marriage? Care-free abortion? Illegal immigrants? Anti-war protests? Excessive filibusters? Hard to say. No one, except Pat Robertson of course, can know the mind of God.”

Reached at his Tsunami Relief Headquarters atop Washington’s Mt. Rainier, Rev. Robertson asserted that Jesus has revealed to him the sole reason for the impending “wall of wash-away-the-sin water.” According to the Lord’s chosen tax-deductible donation, and to no one’s surprise, it’s the homosexuals. “Those damned homos just love making waves, always flaunting their hatred of Jesus in our faces. I say then unto you that it is righteous and fitting that San Francisco will be wiped off the blue-state map!” Wiping spittle from his mouth, Robertson added that “fairy-friendly” cities such as Seattle and Portland also run the risk of being pummeled by the punishing Pacific. “Is Seattle not the Emerald City? Is Portland not the Rose City? Folks, was ‘the Judy Garland City’ name already taken?”

A very active hurricane season also promises to make 2006 a rough year for those who have yet to accept Bush, er, Jesus as their Lord and Savior. From her Tallahassee bunker, Florida congresswoman and former Miss America Katherine Harris feared that her home state may suffer the brunt of God’s wrath. “For Terri Schiavo, for rejecting school vouchers, and for not supporting my Senate campaign, Floridians must pay,” calmly explained America’s sweetheart, who also took time from her busy schedule to announce the potential names of this year’s storms. “Al, Bill, Clinton, Democrat, Evil (Axis of,) Feingold, Gore, Hillary…that one should be a Category 5 bitch…Independents, Jews, Katrina 2, Liberal, Murtha, Nagrin, Osama, Pelosi, Queers, Rejectionist, Sheehan, Trial Lawyer, Unitarian, Vermont, War Protester, X-Rated, Yellow-Belly, and Zionist.”

Many believe, however, that an outcome in the 2006 mid-term elections that Jesus finds pleasing may make 2007 less devastating, and will make it infinitely more America-loving. “Without a doubt, keeping Republicans in power would send a message to the Creator that maybe, just maybe more than 31% of Americans reject Satan,” solemnly stated Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS.) “I have great faith, not only in Jesus, but in America. Well, at least 31% of America. Luckily for them, the other 70-something percent…math is hard…should be nearly wiped off the face of the planet by Election Day.”

Rex Kramer, a veteran of several hurricanes, says to the upcoming season, “Bring It On!”

NEW ALBUM, SAME OLD TREASON

Dixie Chicks Give Aid, Comfort to Enemy

(New York) In 2003 and as our nation’s brave men and women in uniform prepared to punish Saddam Hussein for his part in 9/11 (The Day That Changed Everything©,) the Dixie Chicks’ Natalie Maines stood before a London audience and treasonly slurred, “Just so you know, we're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas.*” The justifiable uproar that followed failed to sway our inferior British partners from staying the course in Iraq, but it did bring an abrupt end to the inexplicable popularity of the talentless trio. Dropped from radio rotation, booed at every ACLU meeting they attended, and spit upon by all who believe that “these colors don’t run,” lead singer Maines issued an apology and begged us for our, and Jesus’, forgiveness.

Today, however, and in true Democratic tradition, the Dixie Chicks waffled. Speaking of the President as if he were some kind of drunken roadie, Maines the Mouth incredulously slandered, “I don’t feel he is owed any respect whatsoever.*” Also like any Democrat who ever lived, “Moscow Maines’” remarks contradicted statements she’s made in the past concerning the Country Music Lover-in-Chief. For example, Maines once had the nerve to falsely claim, “I love my country,*” and, “I’m a proud American.*”

“Clearly, Miss Maines…I call her ‘Miss’ as I assume she’s an unwed Welfare mother…is mixing alcohol and prescription drugs,” commented pop culture expert Rush Limbaugh on The Nashville Network’s new round-table show, Love It or Leave It with Toby Keith. “I mean, no respect for the office of the President? That’s a curious stance for someone who alleges to love her country, although I suspect that ‘her country’ may in fact be Iran.” Limbaugh then called for a boycott of the Dixie Chicks’s new album, Taking the Long Way, a call most right-thinking Americans believe is unnecessary, as no self-respecting country music fan could stomach having it in their 8-track collections.

Limbaugh was joined in his rightful Chicks-bashing by music icon Toby Keith, who revealed that he suspects that he reckons he knows what’s behind the band’s latest “we were against Bush before we were against Bush before we were against Bush” rant. “No doubt about it, this is just a sad, sad attempt to sell records,” the all-American Keith insightfully offered. Keith, however, cautioned “Osama’s Angels” that this poorly-planned marketing strategy will ultimately fail. “What these dumb chicks don’t understand is that the 31% of folks who still know that W kicks ass are the same folks who buy country-western records.”

*-Indicates Actual America-Hating Quote

WEEKEND WITHOUT WONK

Rex Takes Time to Smell the (Eleven) Roses

Saturday marks eleven years of man-woman marriage (the only kind that gets the Baby Jesus’ stamp of eternal approval) for Rex and Mrs. Danger-Seeker…and yes, that means he got married when he was 18 (as far as you know.) Thus, he will be taking this weekend off and properly celebrating with his equally twenty-nine-esque year old wife. RexHeads©…and America…you’ll just have to love America without his help until Monday.

Ed. Note: Can’t get through an entire weekend without a red, white and blue dose of Rex? Then check out Saturday’s The Blue Republic! No, seriously, go now!

NY TIMES JOINS AXIS OF EVIL

Judith “Judas” Miller Blamed for 9/11

(New York) With Iraq now a flourishing democracy, it appears that a vacancy in the “Axis of Evil” has emerged…that is, until the always anti-American New York Times rushed in to fill the void. In this latest episode of America-hating, an online “blogger” (and thus a highly credible source) has revealed that the Times’ Judy Miller had knowledge as early as July 4, 2001 that al Qaeda intended to attack the homeland, and yet sinisterly kept that information to her evil little self.

“What an ungrateful bitch,” rightfully accused administration martyr I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, a man who understandably wonders why she could keep her big mouth shut then, but not after a mere few days in prison. “After all I did for her…I mean, after all America did for her, she willfully allowed 9/11 to happen? May she write Adam Sandler scripts for the rest of her miserable career!”

It has long been reported that Miller was inspired by the attack on the USS Cole (Clinton’s fault) to investigate the al Qaeda terror network; what was unknown until now is that the attack actually inspired the “Judas of Journalism” to join Osama bin Laden’s ranks. Advised by her co-conspirators that the Islamofascists planned a “major attack” on US soil, Miller chose to sit on the story, thus depriving the newspaper-reading-addicted President Bush the warning necessary for the heroic defense that would have resulted. “Unforgivable,” indignantly harrumphed über-patriot Karl Rove during a break in his tireless efforts to single-handedly rebuild New Orleans’ levee system. “How does she sleep at night…with her lesbian lover Hillary Clinton?”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, upon learning of Miller’s treason, immediately ordered US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald to delay anything he was currently working on until 2009 so that Fitzgerald could focus all of his attention on investigating Miller’s treachery. “Judith Miller, more than any single individual not named ‘Saddam Hussein,’ is responsible for 9/11, the Day That Changed Everything©,” accurately accused Gonzales, who, despite being of Mexican descent, loves America more than any Democrat who ever breathed. “Clearly, the swift and just punishment of a threat to national security trumps a witch-hunt based upon the theory that a so-called CIA ‘analyst’ was possibly and inadvertently outed.” Asked if Miller would be sent to Gitmo or an Eastern European CIA “black prison,” Gonzales replied that “all options are on the table, but based upon her haircut, I think she might enjoy prison…if you know what I mean.”

RHODE ISLAND: STOP HATING AMERICA!!!

RI Lawyers Sue NSA Sources, Jesus May Be Next Defendant

(Providence) Yesterday the crack Spurious George Un-American Activities staff revealed that Rhode Island is by far the most America-hating state, proven by the inexplicable fact that a mere 23% of those clam-eating bastards stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the President on the Never-Ending War on Everything©. Today it appears that instead of attempting to dispel that label, the state that foisted Patrick Kennedy upon us is actually embracing it, as a cell of al Qaeda-conspiring RI lawyers have sued several telephone companies for their refusal to stop helping the government to keep us all safe from terrorism.

The frivolous class-action suit accuses partners-in-freedom AT&T, BellSouth and Verizon of “illegally” of providing the noble NSA with their customers’ phone call and internet use records. Furthermore, the baseless and highly-partisan legal maneuver asks for $1,000 per “violation.” If the wrong legislating-from-the-bench judge (appointed, of course, by Bill Clinton) inexplicably finds in favor of the plaintiffs, the damages could total in the billions and subsequently erase the President’s recent plan to cut taxes by $70 billion. “Once again, liberals want to tax and sue,” sighed a disgusted Karl Rove, in Providence to oversee the installation of Diebold-brand voting machines ahead of the 2006 mid-term elections. “The only difference is now they do so with the intent of giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Then again, what do you expect? They’re from Rhode Island!”

“When have we ever authorized a full-scale fishing expedition*?” whined Rhode Island attorney Michael St. Pierre, a man whose mere name smacks of Francophile America-hating, in justifying his treason. “Sure, the government might prevent another 9/11, but at what cost? I mean, there are lonely middle-aged men out there having intimate conversations with phone-sex operators! Is the avoidance of a national tragedy really worth their embarrassment?”

President Bush, a man who knows a thing or two about fishing expeditions, dismissed the lawsuit as another example of the nattering nabobs of New England negativity. “You see, there’s a reason Rhode is an island; their cut off from the will of good, God-fearing Americans. That is to say, they hate our freedoms. May God continue to bless America.” The President further explained that Rhode Island’s treason proves, more than ever, that Gen. Michael Hayden is the right man, at the right time, to head the CIA. “A military dude at the head of a civilian intelligence-gathering thing-a-ma-jig guarantees not only our security, but that uppity states like the Island of Rhode will get both shocked, and awed!”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

IDAHO LOVES AMERICA!

Rhode Island? Not So Much

(Boise) A recent poll conducted by somebody-or-other (probably lefty elitist scientists) has revealed that only Wyoming, Utah, and especially Idaho still support the President, and thus America, unconditionally. 52% of citizens of the Gemstone State continue to stay the course, while the remaining 48% have been described as “squatters from Seattle.” The same poll also has proven what many right-thinking Americans have always believed: Rhode Island hates America.

Idahoites, er, Idahoians, um, folks from Idaho took the news in stride, as patriotism, and not potatoes, has long been the state’s claim to fame. Outside his animal husbandry farm outside of Smelterville, entrepreneur Bobby Joe McSisterfucker probably spoke for the majority of his state-mates when he declared his steadfast support for the administration’s sound foreign policy. “That Bush fella’s one of us, you know? I seen him clear brush on the TV, plus I hear he’s nice to horses. His daughters are pretty.” McSisterfucker further stated that as a small business owner, he appreciates the President’s “easy hand” in matters of economics. “Ever since that damn Clinton had the EPA clean up the lead works, folks here have been forced to drink tasteless water and raise cows with only one head!” McSisterfucker speculated, probably correctly, that the resulting lack of mercury in the water supply has made the “other” 48% weak, and thus susceptible to voting Democratic.

Former Vice President (and 2008 contender…keep your fingers crossed) Dan Quayle also lauded Idaho’s America-loving spirit. “Those people are real Americans. They work hard, play hard, and, as is their right granted by the Idaho state Constitution, bang their cousins hard,” explained the Hero of the Heartland. Although not a native of the state, Quayle has come to know the good people of Idaho during his reign as official spokesman for the potato(e) industry. “When you bite into an Idaho potato, you might think you’re tasting heavy metals with a trace of arsenic, but let me tell you, that’s the taste of freedom, mister!”

On the flip side of the future Ronald Reagan coin, only 23% of the enemy aiders-and-comforters in Rhode Island love their country, and many fear even that number may be inflated. “This is a state that had elected and re-elected a Kennedy, for Christ’s sake,” commented Ann Coulter of neighboring Connecticut, a state that, despite her best efforts, “boasts” a 68% America-hating rate. “These people would elect Osama into the Oval Office over Bush. I say we just cede them all to France and be done with it!”

TED KENNEDY SMITED!

Lightning Strikes, Fails to Kill, Sh*t-Faced Senator

(Boston) Proving once again that our Christian God is a just but vengeful God, a private plane carrying Ten Commandment-violating Senator Ted Kennedy was struck by lightning Saturday afternoon. After taking off following a commencement speech at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts (as if Massachusetts would ever have a College of Conservative Arts) and while en route to his sinful love nest on Cape Cod, the “Hedonist of Hyannisport’s” Cessna lost all power when it was, one can only assume, smited by the Creator. “God acts in mysterious ways,” preached Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson on Friday’s 700 Club. “Then sometimes He just gives people like ‘Killer Kennedy’ the Biblical bitch-slap they so desperately need.”

Robertson and other moral authorities, however, were confused as to why the Almighty chose once again to spare the “Bovian Bostonian’s” life. Kennedy’s plane was able to limp into New Haven, CT, where it is rumored the sauced Senator celebrated by raping several Yale co-eds. “While I would never question His judgment, a man of lesser faith might wonder why a man like Ronald Reagan is taken from us, while a man like Ted Kennedy is allowed to wallow and root among us,” Robertson lamented.

This was not the first time Jesus inexplicably allowed “Tipsy Teddy” to escape certain death. In 1964 another plane carrying the portly politician crashed, resulting in the deaths of the pilot and a political aide (possibly an underage boy.) In a more infamous 1969 incident, the drunk Democrat attempted, in an affront to Jesus, drive his Oldsmobile across Poucha Pond on the island of Chappaquiddick. Surprisingly, “the Menace of Massachusetts” survived; not surprisingly, his innocent (and possibly raped) companion did not.

While no one died as a result of his most recent smiting, FAA officials are investigating why Kennedy was allowed on an airplane in the first place. Said an anonymous official, “Senator Kennedy has been on the no-fly list since January 21, 2001. I’m sorry, make that September 12, 2001. A Kennedy in the Senate has about as much business being on a plane as does a Kennedy in the House being behind the wheel of a car.” A Homeland Security official would neither confirm nor deny that the “Nincompoop of New England” is on the federal no-fly-list, but did comment that, “If Ted Kennedy doesn’t present a clear and present danger to the security of the United States, I don’t know who does.”

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART IV

Forgotten Baubles from the Junk Drawer of Democracy!

Ed. Note: Before heading off to the beach today, Rex Kramer filtered through his files, looking for stories that may have eluded your (but never his) attention. Listen up, and if you’re not careful, you just might learn something!

Hollywood Hates America!

Actor Mel Gibson, who once starred as “The Patriot,” is now anything but. Whoring his new film, Apocolypto, compared President Bush to brutal Mayan dictators. We thought this man was a Christian!

Hollywood Loves Criminals!

Only in Hollywood! Murderer of white women O.J. Simpson is set to star in a pay-per-view debacle Juiced! (for which he will allegedly not be paid) that includes a parody of his infamous White Bronco “chase.” Sources in heaven say his murdered wife is not laughing.

Hollywood Loves Lawyers!

Is there anyone Tom Cruise won’t sue? Now the diminutive cultists has called out his Heaven’s Gate attorneys on relic Joan Rivers for the inexcusable offense of making a joke about Cruise’s ability to father a child. Note to Tom: no amount of frivolous lawsuits will make you any less gay.

Hollywood Hates Jesus!

Coming soon to blasphemous theaters near you: The DaVinci Code. This piece of fiction would have you believe that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and bore children (sorry if I spoiled it for you.) I mean, are you going to believe that bit of tripe, of the fact that the Son of God was born by a virgin mother, died, was resurrected, now sits on his heavenly throne judging everything you do, and ultimately will return and scoop up all of His believers into heaven? Duh!

EVEN RED STATERS GET THE BLUES

Rex Battles Depression the Manly, American Way

Ed. Note: Against the advice of staff attorney John Ashcroft, our own Rex Kramer has decided to report today in the first person.

My loyal RexHeads©, it’s been a rough 24 hours here on my land of the free, upon which sits my home of the brave. This time yesterday, the Danger-Seeking clan was packing their humble belongings in anticipation of the imminent sale of their domicile, also known as the “Kramerica Kompound©.” We were also making preparations to take a second gander (with the help of the good folks at the NSA, of course) at a property that we had every intention of making an offer on. Yes, Virginia, things were looking positive for the patriots.

Then, like Rep. John Murtha (D-PA,) our potential buyers cut and run at the last, and worst, moment. Does no one “stay the course” these days?!? In any event, the deal is dead, this magnificent residence is back on the free market, and your stars-and-stripes saluting servant is a bit, well, down in the dumps.

Now, before y’all start mailing me condolence checks (remember, “Kramer” begins with a “K,”) rest assured that when Republicans get depressed, we do so conservatively. No, you won’t see this Danger-Seeker in any shrink’s office, blaming all my woes on the fact that daddy didn’t love me. Pop “happy pills?” Do I look like a Kennedy?!? I’ll do what every red-blooded Kramer man has done when the going gets tough…get going!!!

That’s right, Kramericans©, it’s time to fill the cooler full of icy-cold Pabst Blue Ribbon, slap a coat of wax on the board, and head to the beach. On the way to New Smyrna Beach, I might catch a glimpse of the forest fires the liberal media has been whining about. Once there, there’s a possibility the sea level may be a wee bit higher than it was last year. However, as I explained in today’s The Blue Republic piece, this is not proof that the globe is warming! Even if it is, I don’t want to hear about it today! No, I’d rather just drink my beer, ride some waves, and forget about real estate for awhile.

In fact, this may very well turn into a weekend-long surfing safari. If so, be sure to call your mothers tomorrow, America…they’re as American as, well, some kind of pie.

RIO (GRANDE)? BRAVO! ARMY TO MAN THE BORDER

Rumsfeld: Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 “for Pussies!”

(Washington) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, as one might expect, firmly believes the old football adage that “the best offense is a good defense” (except in Iraq, where the best offense is clearly a “bomb, bomb, repeat” offense.) With that philosophy in mind, Rumsfeld announced that well-rested, returning from Iraq (earlier than expected) troops will be sent to America’s southern border to keep at bay the Mexican horde. “We’re at war, people!” announced the DefSec to a gaggle of liberal media-types. “As you know, you go to war with the thinly-stretched, under-equipped Army you have, not the Army you wish you had.”

Calmly addressing shrill fears that the Army was “crossing the Rubicon,” Rumsfeld explained that only the military was equipped to control the mass influx of potential terrorists who cross the Rio Grande every day. “With all due respect to the Border Patrol and the volunteer Minutemen…American heroes, all…they are not adequately trained or armed for a wartime mission. Luckily, our boys in uniform are well-experienced in that regard.”

Critics of the mobilization have cited the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878, that prohibited national military forces from engaging in domestic law enforcement efforts, as an indication that the administration is disobeying the law. Nothing could be further from the truth, attested our nation’s foremost legal scholar, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “When Chester A. Arthur, a Republican I should point out, and thus a man well-versed in keeping America safe, signed that Act, he made a signing statement in which he declared that the law could be ignored by future Presidents.” When asked by members of the uppity press if any evidence of such a statement existed, Gonzales rightfully stated that making such requests served only to provide aid and comfort to the enemy.

Others within the agency hailed to move to bring the protection of our borders under military control. CIA Director-nominee Gen. Michael Hayden was particularly supportive of the move. “In times of war, which we are now in and will be for the foreseeable future, God willing, it would be irresponsible to suggest that any entity other than the Army should be protecting our freedoms.” General Hayden added that, while our freedoms are under attack, all government functions could use a little military oversight. “If I were in charge, I’d put a military man at the head of the Department of Education. Those long-haired, bad-mouthing-their-country hippie kids could stand a little discipline! Besides, well, recruiting has been a little down of late.”

On the inferior side of the Rio Grande, Mexican officials have pledged full support for the plan to militarize the border region. Through El Presidente Spokesmano Tony Snow, President Vicente Fox announced that “anything Bush wants is OK with him.”

SENATE BANS INTER-BEAR MARRIAGE

Evidence of Mongrelization Found, Rightfully Killed

(Edmonton, BC) As many in the right-thinking world predicted, the legalization of same-sex marriages in less Jesus-loving cities, states and nations has contaminated the natural world. 2nd Amendment big-game American hunters who paid good, hard-earned and over-taxed dollars to hunt and kill an actual endangered polar bear recently discovered that what they thought was a pure white bear was in fact some kind of half-breed. “Dick, with his keen eye, was the first to notice the abomination,” disgusted outdoorsman Harry Whittington recalled from his Texas hospital bed (recovering from injuries unrelated to the bear hunt.) He said, ‘Harry, I believe I just shot me a mulatto!”

DNA tests conducted on the animal later determined that the “wannabe-white” bear was in fact a Polar-Grizzly hybrid. While offspring of such unholy unions may be acceptable in “I’m OK, You’re OK, eh” Canada, upon his return to the morally-superior US “Dead Eye Dick,” who when not tracking down man-eating beasts and quails acts as President of the Senate, supported a bill in that august body that would ban such unspeakable monstrosities. “We must protect the sanctity of the white bear from the evil, inferior influence of the brown bear,” logically argued the bill’s champion. “Keeping the races of bears separate, but equal, is good for America.”

While many details of the bill have yet to be hammered out, proponents say some aspects are non-negotiable. Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) has vowed that if ever his state establishes a zoo, Grizzlies and Polars will physically separated at all times. “According the Scripture, it is natural to flock with one’s own kind. Noah knew to pair up males and females of the same species; who are we to argue with a 400 year-old man who talked with God?” Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) stated that in the event of another Hurricane Katrina-like event, Grizzlies would remain in the path of the storm while Polar Bears are relocated elsewhere. “Every 700 Club documentary I’ve seen about bears has shown that brown bears love the water, while Polar Bears do not. You can’t argue with that!” Finally, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) expressed his firm belief that the two species should be kept apart because, “I just don’t like black people.”

As for the remains of the unholy hybrid, Dick and Harry have made plans to have the carcass stuffed and placed on display as a warning to those who would endorse such “playing God.” Rebuked Whittington through his respirator, “Keep to your own kind, America!”

GOP OUTLOOK SUN-SHINY IN FLORIDA

Jeb Bush, Katherine Harris Eye Higher Offices

(Tampa) Despite unrealistic (and not a little un-American) predictions of Republican doom in the 2006 mid-term elections, Florida and national party leaders today predicted great things for two of the greatest living Floridians, Governor Jeb Bush and Congresswoman Katherine Harris. No less an authority on excellent leadership and bright political futures that President Bush, for example, suggested that Governor Bush (no relation) might make the second-greatest President in this nation’s history. “I would like to see Jeb run at some point in time, but I have no idea if that's his intention or not. I have no idea what he's going to do. I've asked him that question myself. I truly don't think he knows.*” President Bush further added that “not knowing things” should not be a barrier for the Oval Office, or, for that matter, the directorship of FEMA, the CIA, or any other federal agency.

The opinion of the Decider-in-Chief was echoed by another former President, whose surname is also, coincidentally, Bush. Using the brilliant ability of those with that last name to weave oxymoronic gold out of this air, former President George H.W. Bush confidently predicted that Governor Bush (again, no relation) would be an “awfully good*” future chief executive.

Meanwhile, Florida House Speaker Allan Bense announced today that he would not engage in an obviously-futile effort to challenge America’s sweetheart Katherine Harris for the GOP Senatorial nomination. Bense, who delusionally believed that he would have been a “very good candidate with a chance of beating the incumbent*” had he decided to be a man and run, was forced to acknowledge that Harris is an unstoppable political force. “She loves Jesus, is ethically unimpeachable, wildly popular across party lines, and, let’s face it, as hot as a slug on a July Florida road,” complimented Bense, who further hinted that Harris’s political star has not yet reached its’ zenith. “Can you imagine a Bush-Harris 2008 ticket? Seriously, can you imagine it?”

* - Indicates Actual Quote. Yep, these are our elected leaders.

SIMPLE MAN, SIMPLE PLEASURES

Bush Loves Fishing Only Slightly Less than America

(Crawford, TX) “A wise man, probably Jesus…hard to say…once said, ‘teach a man to fish, you know, and he’ll eat,” quoted President Bush as he cast his line impressively into the pre-dawn still of a Crawford lake. “But if you teach a man to fish, and you aren’t, you know, a commie unionist teacher who hates Jesus and believes we came from monkeys, well, then, you know, that’s great.” The President says that he does some of his best thinking (about how to keep America safe) while fishing, and that is during these times he comes up with almost all of his brilliant ideas. Thus, it came as no great surprise when Bush recently told a German journalist what the greatest moment of his presidency was.

“I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5lb perch in my lake*,” boasted the First Fisherman, who clearly is a man with his priorities in order. “I know that human being and fish can co-exist peacefully*. I know this, you see, because that perch told me so. Pretty smart fish, huh?”

According to inside sources, the President and the perch have been inseparable ever since. In recent weeks the know-nothing liberal media has called for a “shake-up” of the administration, but to date the fish, or “Perchy,” remains a loyal advisor to Bush. “The President has great confidence in Perchy, and believes that relieving him of his duties would only serve to give aid and comfort to the enemy,” reported new White House press secretary Tony Snow. “President Bush would never consider dismissing Perchy unless he was really, really hungry. He is, after all, a 7.5 pound fish.”

While the President’s loyalty to Perchy remains taut, others have questioned Perchy’s judgment and competence. “I have heard that invading Iraq was all Perchy’s idea,” whined Democratic leader Howard Dean, a man who has probably never fished. “I have also heard that it was Perchy who coordinated the Hurricane Katrina relief effort, allowed the UAE to purchase US ports, and ignored pre-9/11 intelligence.” Howard then screeched like an African monkey, and, not surprising, began to fling his own feces.

Administration officials, citing Patriot Act loopholes, would neither confirm nor deny Perchy’s involvement in any official government action. However, a confidential source revealed that Perchy may in fact be nominated for the vacant CIA chair position, or, failing that, the next Supreme Court opening.


* - Indicates Actual Quote. Seriously…even I couldn’t make that up.

SATURDAY/SUNDAY IN THE SUNSHINE STATE SUBURBS

Rex Goes House-Hunting

(Orlando) First, the good news. Today Spurious George’s own real estate tycoon Rex Kramer accepted an offer to purchase the historic Kramerica Kompound (see Wednesday’s column) that was on the open market for all but a few days. Now, the bad news. If the deal goes through, he’ll have to relocate to a new Patriotic Pad by June 30th. Thus, house-hunting has begun in earnest. In fact, Rex and Mrs. Danger-Seeker looked at a dozen or properties today (being old souls, their favorite thus far is a 96 year-old two-story in the historic district…a neighborhood that prohibits liberals,) and will no doubt view countless more in the days and weeks to come. Rex has reported back to SG HQ that if the CIA really wants to torture terrorists, they should have them shuttled around town in the company of a husband-wife realtor team.

In any event, Rex wants his legions of fans to know that this weekend will be consumed with domestic-type endeavors, and thus you will all be abandoned like the red-headed hippie step-children that you are. Actually, that’s not entirely true…he will, during his rare “down times” visit and cast a judgmental glare at all the lefty sites he has ignored these past few hectic weeks. He may even select his next target for his semi-weekly “Focus on the Freedom-Hating Blog.” You’ve been warned!

See Y'all On Monday!

KENNEDY KILLS AGAIN?

Ted’s Boy Wrecks; Police Search for Drowned Co-Ed

(Washington) Proving once again that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree around which one might find the twisted wreckage of a car with Massachusetts plates, Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) today admitted that his recent auto accident was the result of…big surprise…substance abuse. Even less shocking was the fact that local police, under pressure from the Kennedy political machine, covered up evidence of the son of Ted Kennedy’s drunken debacle…going so far as to failing to give Kennedy a sobriety test and subsequently driving him home. Although under the competent umbrella of Homeland Security, Capitol Police acted negligently, admitted an agency spokesman. “While we gave him the preferential treatment befitting a man of his heritage, we inexcusably failed to apologize for allowing a construction zone along his route home, and for permitting a physical barrier in front of his direction of travel.”



Using the authority granted him by the Patriot Act (don’t believe us? Read it yourself,) President Bush reassigned responsibility for investigating the incident to various law enforcement agencies. Taking immediate action, the Justice Department executed warrant-less searches of every residence and vehicle owned by anyone named “Kennedy,” while the FBI dredged the Potomac (as well as the reflecting pool) for evidence of any drowned co-eds. “While there exists no evidence that Congressman Kennedy intentionally wrecked his vehicle, allowed a young woman to drown, and then leave the scene, it would be irresponsible to not suggest that it may have happened,” fittingly remarked FBI Director Robert Mueller. “My office will release more innuendo and rumor as it becomes available.”

Rep. Kennedy’s national disgrace has rekindled memories of other family members who couldn’t hold their liquor. Family patriarch and closet cross-dresser Joseph Kennedy was known among his few heterosexual friends as “Shitface McDrunkypants.” President John F. Kennedy, while an undergrad at Harvard, often mopped up his whiskey-induced vomit with an American flag. As commander-in-chief his addiction was directly responsible for such “bad calls” as the Bay of Pigs, his open infidelity, and the decision to ride in a convertible on that fateful day (thinking the fresh air would clear the webs of his hangover.) Senator Kennedy, as everyone knows, is much like O.J. Simpson, an unconvicted killer, and to this day remorselessly sends a bottle of cheap vodka to the Kopechne family every year on the anniversary of their daughter’s death.

“Don’t forget about poor John-John,” reminded unofficial Kennedy family biographer Rush Limbaugh. “Did you see him wobble while saluting his father’s passing casket? That wasn’t emotion…that was grandma Rose feeding him a snoot of cognac!” The dashing young Kennedy’s life-long battle with the bottle ultimately contributed to his own death, as many believe he was snorting vodka shots off his young wife’s taut stomach when the plane he was piloting collided with the unforgiving waters below. “The only things the Kennedys haven’t wrecked is America,” quipped Limbaugh. “But it hasn’t been for a lack of trying.”

IRAQI INSURGENTS SHOOT LIKE GIRLS

Military Questions Al-Zarqawi’s Manhood

(Basra) US military officials released video that at first glance appears to be clip better suited for Iraq’s favorite TV show, The Sunni-est Bloopers and Practical Jokes than it is a for a man who props himself up as a so-called “terrorist mastermind.” The video, discovered during a raid that brings the insurgency closer to its’ last throes every day, shows Iraqi al-Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in a less-than-masculine light. “What this video has taught us,” explained new US Command spokesman Lt. General Scott McClellan, “is that al-Zarqawi is basically a fancy boy.”

Despite all his bravado, it appears that al-Zarqawi is incapable of learning a basic skill every red-blooded American boy learns by age six; how to properly fire a fully-automatic assault rifle. Much to the wannabe-warrior’s humiliation, the captured video shows the marginalized al Qaeda leader struggling with such simple tasks such as clearing a double-feed malfunction. “We showed this ineptitude to the administration’s senior weapons expert, Charles Heston,” explained McClellan. “After he laughed that classic hearty laugh of his, he commented that even a damn, dirty ape knows that an AK-47 double-feed malfunction is cleared by depressing the magazine ejection tab, pulling back smartly on the retraction slide while simultaneously holding the weapon at a 90 degree angle, re-inserting a loaded magazine and charging the weapon!”

During his exercise in incompetence, al-Zarqawi is also seen wearing the latest New Balace running shoes. While military experts stressed that this a major tactical no-no, others in more specialized fields believe his choice of footwear is indicative of the “Bad Boy of Basra’s” true sexual orientation. “My shoes are fab-u-lous!” shrieked Col. Jeff Gannon, commander of the Army’s new “Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell” brigade. “I mean, do you see how they bring the whole ensemble together? It’s like, Sunni chic!”

BUY A PIECE OF AMERICAN HISTORY!

Kramerica Kompound Goes on the Free Market

(Orlando) While Brad and Jen’s old digs have caught the eye of those who follow the fascinating world of celebrity real estate transactions, another and far-more patriotic property was put up for public purchase today. Spurious George’s own infamous globe-trotting and hippie-smiting reporter Rex Kramer has, as a result of his ascending pop icon status and manly fertility, outgrown his current residence, and thus has placed his stately manor up for sale. The price of the sprawling complex, known worldwide as the “Kramerica Kompound” or the “Patriotic Peyton Place,” was not made immediately known, although experts have said that a site of such historic importance is priceless.

David H. Safavian, a former top federal procurement official and thus a man knowledgeable in the value of things, expertly predicted that bidding would be fierce for the freedom-lover’s famous fortress. “When it gets around that a solid offer for Rex’s home might include access to some of his, let’s say ‘connected’ friends, I can assure you that the sky’s the limit.” Safavian, a man who knows how to get deals done, opined that minorities seeking a larger voice in Washington would be particularly interested in making Kramer’s sale a profitable venture. “I’m telling you, Indians will pay through the nose for access to power. I’m talking about the fire water-drinking kind, not the Slurpee-selling kind, of course.”

While the Kramer estate does occupy some of Central Florida’s most valuable land, some say the real draw is Rex himself. “There’s even been a push in Tallahassee to make his home a historic site,” gushed Governor Jeb Bush, a close personal friend of Rex’s. “In fact, Congresswoman Katherine Harris herself called me today and pledged $10 million of her own money toward purchasing the property for the purpose of making it a state-sponsored shrine…and for endorsing her senatorial candidacy.” Despite the Honorable Congresswoman’s generosity and a state budget surplus measured in the billions (thanks to Republican leadership,) the state government’s bid fell far short of those submitted by others.

“I’ve had offers from the Republican National Committee, the Heritage Foundation and Halliburton that are, quite frankly, obscene,” humbly stated Kramer in describing the multitude of organizations that have tendered offer sheets. “The fact of the matter is, however, that I would much rather offer this opportunity to own a piece of American history to one of my millions of fans. I mean, who among them wouldn’t want to boast that they own the house where the whole Rex Kramer-mania began?”

For those interested (and well-heeled enough to make an offer that wouldn’t incite Rex to spit at you contemptuously,) in addition to the main house (an exact replica of the White House, only bigger and without a press briefing room,) the Kramerica Kompound offers an indoor, NRA-approved shooting range, several exploratory oil wells, a small yet ornate chapel, and acres of woods stocked with quail-hunting lawyers.

Ed. Note: Rex did indeed put his humble home on the market today. For those of you who have endured the trials of selling and buying a home at the same time, you know that the experience is akin to pulling out one’s own teeth with a pair of pliers…only more painful. Thus, if his attention to this site is less than total over the next few days (please, please, please let it just be a few days,) he apologizes in advance.

SG STEALS FROM THE BEST

If Joe Biden Can Do It, Why Can’t We?

Ed. Note: In the past some of you, for reasons probably due to you being off your meds, have accused SG’s Rex Kramer of being, “a poor man’s Stephen Colbert”…this despite the fact that Rex was loving America back when “Stephen-Come-Lately” was smoking dope and bad-mouthing his country! Still, even Rex admits that he finds Mr. Colbert’s antics amusing from time to time. Most recently, this “poor man’s Rex Kramer” entertained the liberal media elite at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, where even Helen Thomas cracked a smile for once in her miserable life. To show that there’s no hard feeling between Rex and “Poor Imitation” Stephen, and because Rex is really, really hungover today, we present you with a transcript (courtesy of the hippies at the Daily Kos) of Mr. Funny-Man’s pseudo-humor.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.
OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!
And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. Come on.
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you? [After each sentence, Colbert makes a hand gesture, an allusion to Scalia's recent use of an obscene Sicilian hand gesture in speaking to a reporter about Scalia's critics. Scalia is seen laughing hysterically.] Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
NOTE BY FREDERICK: The "audition tape" I have transcribed below is available here.
BEGINNING OF "AUDITION TAPE"
Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference. It opens with an empty podium. Colbert's head rises from behind the podium until Colbert is standing at the podium. He addresses the assembled Washington press corps.
COLBERT: I have a brief statement: the press is destroying America. OK, let's see who we've got here today.
COLBERT (acknowledging various reporters): Stretch! (David Gregory nods)
Sir Nerdlington! (reporter nods)
Sloppy Joe! (reporter nods)
Terry Lemon Moran Pie! (Terry Moran nods)
Oh, Doubting Thomas, always a pleasure. (Helen Thomas smiles)
And Suzanne Mal -- hello!!
(Suzanne Malveaux stares at Colbert, looking unhappy. Colbert mimics putting a phone to his ear and mouths "call me.")
REPORTER: Will the Vice President be available soon to answer all questions himself?
COLBERT: I've already addressed that question. You (pointing to another reporter).
REPORTER: Walter Cronkite, the noted CBS anchor, . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, no, he's the former CBS anchor. Katie Couric is the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. Well, well, how do you guys feel about that?
You, tousle-haired guy in the back. Are you happy about Katie Couric taking over the CBS Evening News?
DAN RATHER: No, sir, Mr. Colbert. Are you? (Laughter)
COLBERT: Boom! Oh, look, we woke David Gregory up. Question?
DAVID GREGORY: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?
COLBERT: I don't know. I'll ask him.
(Colbert turns to Rove) Karl, pay attention please! (Rove is seen drawing a heart with "Karl + Stephen" written on it.)
GREGORY: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl, and Elliott Abrams, and Scooter Libby, and you said "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me that they are not involved in this." Do you stand by that statement?
COLBERT: Nah, I was just kidding!
GREGORY: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything! You stood at that podium and said . . .
COLBERT (interrupting): Ah, that's where you're wrong. New podium! Just had it delivered today. Get your facts straight, David.
GREGORY: This is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell the people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk. You've got to . . .
(Colbert is seen looking at three buttons on the podium, labeled "EJECT," "GANNON" and "VOLUME." He selects the "VOLUME" button and turns it. We see Gregory's lips continue moving, but can't hear any sound coming out.)
COLBERT: If I can't hear you, I can't answer your question. I'm sorry! I have to move on. Terry.
TERRY MORAN: After the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said . . .
(Colbert presses a button on the podium and fast-forwards through most of Moran's question.)
MORAN (continuing): All of a sudden, you have respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation?
COLBERT (seen playing with rubber ball, which he is bouncing off attached paddle): No, I never had any respect for the sanctity of a criminal investigation. Activist judges! Yes, Helen.
HELEN THOMAS: You're going to be sorry. (Laughter)
COLBERT (looking vastly amused, mockingly): What are you going to do, Helen, ask me for a recipe?
THOMAS: Your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands (Colbert's smile fades) of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime.
COLBERT (interrupting): OK, hold on Helen, look . . .
THOMAS (continuing): Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is why did you really want to go to war?
COLBERT (again interrupting): Helen, I'm going to stop you right there. (Thomas keeps talking.) That's enough! No! Sorry, Helen, I'm moving on. (Colbert tries to turn her volume off, but the knob falls off his controls.)
(Various reporters start shouting questions at Colbert.)
COLBERT (agitated): Guys, guys, please don't let Helen do this to what was a lovely day.
(Reporters keep shouting at him.)
COLBERT (putting his fingers over his ears and shouting in a high-pitched voice): Bllrrtt! No, no, no, no, no. I'm not listening to you!
Look what you did, Helen! I hate you!
(Helen Thomas glowers at Colbert.)
COLBERT (frantic): I'm out of here!
(Colbert pulls back the curtain behind him, desperately trying to flee. He says, "There is a wall here!" The press corps laughs. Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush's experience in China. He finally finds the door and hurries through it.)
COLBERT: It reeks in there! Ridiculous! I've never been so insulted in my life! Stupid job.
(Colbert continues walking away. We hear sinister-sounding music playing. We see Helen Thomas walking behind Colbert.)
(Colbert looks behind him, sees Thomas, and starts running.)
(Colbert trips over a roller skate, and yells "Condi!" We see a close-up of Helen Thomas' face, looking determined and angry. Colbert, increasingly panicked, gets up and continues running, running into a parking garage. He reaches an emergency call box, and yells into it.)
COLBERT: Oh, thank God. Help me!
ATTENDANT: What seems to be the problem, sir?
COLBERT: She won't stop asking why we invaded Iraq!
ATTENDANT: Hey, why did we invade Iraq?
COLBERT: NO!!! (runs toward his car)
(We see Helen Thomas, still walking toward him.)
(Colbert reaches his car, and fumblingly attempts to open it with his key. He is in such a desperate hurry that he fumbles with the keys and drops them. When he picks them up, he looks back and Helen is even closer. In his frantic rush, Colbert just can't get the keys into the lock.)
(Just as his anxiety is getting completely out of control he suddenly remembers that he has a keyless remote -- so he just pushes the button on the keychain and the car unlocks immediately with the usual double squeak noise. Colbert jumps in and locks the door, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He finally succeeds, and looks up to see Helen standing in front of the car, notepad in hand.)
COLBERT: NO!!! NO!!!
(Colbert puts the car into reverse and drives off, tires squealing. Thomas smiles.)
(Colbert is shown taking the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. A car and driver are waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in.)
COLBERT: What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.
(The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, "Buckle up, hon." IT'S HELEN THOMAS!!!)
COLBERT (horrified face pressed against car window): NO!!!
END OF "AUDITION TAPE"
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it's been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!

ILLEGALS PROTEST, WORLD STILL TURNS

“Day Without Immigrants” Ignored by Most

(Brownsville, TX) Ever since Mary Jones’ husband passed away, and, as a life-long Republican went straight to heaven, she has needed some help around the yard. Luckily for her, Brownsville supports a healthy day-laborer industry whose well-compensated employees happily assist her. More importantly, as Mrs. Jones is on a fixed income, they do so at a fraction of what it would cost to hire that lazy white teenage boy across the street. “Once a week they’d send down one or two of the Mexican fellas to weed or clean the gutters or whatnot,” reminisced Jones who, like most old people, are dull as hell. “Today, though, the man on the phone said they done run out of Mexicans! Well, I suppose I’ll just have to wait ‘til tomorrow to get my windows cleaned.”

Jones’ experience was consistent with most others’ on this ho-hum “Day Without Immigrants.” While some office workers did report that their waste cans were unusually full and by all accounts it’s impossible to get one’s Jag detailed, most Americans exhibited their “can-do” spirit by muscling through this “hardship.” Commented Bob Smith, owner of Bob’s Auto Body in Tulsa. “We got a guy here, Jose, Julio, something like that. Anyway, he didn’t show up today. I think it’s Sinko Deh-Mayo, which in Spanish means “I’m too drunk to work.” This isn’t the first time, but he’s a good kid, and for what I pay him, he deserves a day off now and then.”

Some industries, however, have been affected slightly more than others. Golf courses around the nation reported that their greens are 1/8” longer today than they would have been had they been cut as scheduled. Many Mexican restaurants closed briefly while Puerto Rican replacements (who, let’s face it, look just like Mexicans) were recruited. Of course, the farming sector was the hardest hit. Gentleman farmer Tom White of Des Moines began weeding his tomato field himself this morning before coming to the conclusion that, “Aw, what the hell…it can wait until tomorrow.”

Still, some government officials are concerned that this mini-strike is sending the wrong message to the citizens who actually pay taxes, as well as to our enemies abroad. “What would happen if every American worker decided to just take a day off?” pondered Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao, who, despite her foreign-sounding name, loves America. “Soon you’d have people demanding a 40 hour work week, two week’s worth of vacation, and probably even health insurance. This isn’t France, people!” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld added his concern that the image of lazy Americans (“even the illegal ones”) provided aid and comfort to the enemy. “I can assure you, Osama never takes a day off!”