SUPREME COURT SPANKS TATTLE-TELLERS
(Washington) Ask any red-blooded American boy on our nation’s playgrounds, and he’ll tell you that nobody likes a snitch. Some of those boys, if they love America enough, grow up to be Supreme Court Justices, and today five of them voted to take the whistle-blowers’ balls and go home. “There ought to be limits to freedom*,” responded President Bush, another former all-American boy who grew up loving America, when informed of the court’s decision. “I mean, I didn’t see ‘tattling’ mentioned in the 2nd Amendment. It is the 2nd Amendment, right? The one that talks about the freedom of speech thing? Damn, there’s so many of them it makes my head hurt!”
Citing landmark precedents such as Loose Lips v. Sinks Ships and Bounces Off Me v. Sticks to You, Justices Kennedy, Scalia, Alito, Roberts and Thomas decided that a nation of government squealers is not one they wanted to live in. With the ruling, government employees who report the alleged “wrong-doings” of their more America-loving superiors will be unable to sue the government in the event their careers are (rightfully) negatively affected by their treason. “This decision effectively kills two birds with one stone,” expressed Justice Kennedy in writing for the majority. “I can think of few things less patriotic than tattling and frivolous lawsuits. This court today, it is my hope and the hope of all right-thinking Americans, puts an end to both.”
While the case somewhat eased the minds of those in government who think of nothing but how to keep you safe from the terrorist horde, it is the continued actions of another terrorist horde that still concerns those who love America so much that sometimes they’re forced to do things that might, upon first glance, appear less-than-legal. “The media still has way too much freedom,” accurately assessed White House spokesman Tony Snow. Snow, a former fair-and-balanced journalist, knows better than most the dangers a free press presents to a democracy fighting an undeclared, never-ending war. “It is the President’s hope that the Supreme Court will choose to hear the merits of Freedom of the Press v. Freedom FROM the Press soon.
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