FOCUS ON THE FREEDOM-HATING BLOG (Part 2)

This Week’s Target: Blognonymous!

Ed. Note: We here at Spurious George World Headquarters exist not to judge, but to educate. With that in mind, each week we will cast our judgmental-yet-educating spotlight of righteousness upon one of the more freedom-hating blogs that spread their slanderous liberal lies without fear of repercussion. In the days that follow, SG will comment daily (in a patriotic, constructive manner) at that site, as well as contact each of that site’s link…all in an effort to bring the offending blogger back to the side of America-loving! Think of it as an online intervention

(SG HQ) Enough already, Blognonymous! We beg of you…stop hating America!

From your obvious Francophile tendencies (seriously, a frog? Why not just wear a beret,) to your smarmy liberal-elite messages you leave on other blogs, to your inexplicable failure to accept President Bush’s edicts as the Word of God, everything about you screams in a crocking voice, “I live to bad-mouth my country!”

Clearly, you are beyond helping yourself, so we here at SG are here to do it for you. Over the next week we, the Rex Kramer Nation (a.k.a. “Kramerica,”) will be flooding your site with superior, pro-America messages in a heroic attempt to make you see the error of your ways. In addition, we will be contacting each and every site listed in your “links” section, both hippie and pseudo-hippie alike, and urging them to, a) coerce you into adopting a more patriotic outlook on life, and, b) stop hating America themselves.

Also, I have no doubt that the millions who visit this site will join me in this Jesus-approved endeavor. Trust me, when the RexHeads are mobilized, no one (not even the combined efforts of the Iraqi rejectionists and the marginalized Democratic Party) can stand in their way!

You’ve been warned, hippie frog!

Ed. Footnote: Those of you who maintain other hippie-sites best not feel smug…soon you too will be dragged kicking and screaming over to the Right side of the lilly pad!

MAIL BAG O’PATRIOTISM

Rex Reads and Laughs at Your Stupid Questions

Ed. Note: As one might expect, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker) receives the vast majority of fan mail here at Spurious George’s Orlando World Headquarters. While most letters contain panties and/or pleas that he run for public office, occasionally one or two have within them a question that isn’t entirely stupid. Once his team of lackeys picks through these, he does from time to time take pause in his efforts to make the world safe for democracy and answer you, his adoring public. Luckily for you, today is such a day!

Citizen Rex,

Although I take time on my well-earned off-days to practice my hobbies of bush-clearing and pretzel-eating, I expect my heroes to be on-duty, 24/7/365. Lately, whenever I make my thrice-daily visits to your site, you seem to have some excuse for not posting. Pardon my Texan, but WTF?

You’re Still Doing a Heckuva Job,

W

Dear W,

While it is true that lately I’ve slacked a bit in my patriotism-preaching duties, rest assured that I spend every waking moment (and most sleeping moments not dedicated to thoughts of Jessica Alba eating a banana) thinking about how to make this country safer. Keep in mind, however, that of late your Hezbollah-hating hero has been pre-occupied with issues near and dear to every conservative’s heat: family (Mrs. Danger-Seeker is into the second trimester of her incubation of the third Kramer child,) capital gains (selling the Kramer Kompound, at a nice profit,) and crime-fighting (putting murderers behind bars so you don’t have to!) That said, sometimes a man just needs to kick back on his Crawford ranch and watch the world pass by.

Rex My Boy!

I’m shamed to admit it, but “thanks” to some liberal partisan prosecution, I’m writing to you today from the County Jail (can you believe they’re arresting people for so-called “prescription fraud” when Osama’s still on the loose?) Rex, you’re a cop…any chance you can pull a few strings and get me out of here? Jail is no place for rich white men with documented histories of anal cysts!

Feeling No Pain,

RL

Dear RL,

As a true Republican, I agree that the government needs to stay out of our medicine cabinets. As for that cyst problem, well, you need to keep that stuff to yourself.

Rex, You Insensitive Bastard!

I must tell you your recent “gift” of carpet shampoo and “Snap-On” brand tools were in extremely poor taste…especially because, as gifts, I had to report them to the Federal Campaign Committee and thus they are now on public record. I don’t know what rumors you’ve heard about me, but let me say for the record I have never been attracted to young, sweet, nubile, perky young women! I mean, if, hypothetically, if one were here in my Senate office as I write this, I would not be feeling her up with one hand while typing with another. As you may know, I recently re-embraced Jesus, and I know that He doesn’t approve of such things. Please inform your millions of fans, especially the hunky men, that I am 100% woman!

Heterosexually Yours,

H

Dear H,

I have been in your Senate office (vandalizing it, naturally,) and I must say I’ve never seen deeper closets in a government building! Seriously, H, you’re kidding no one. Stop the charade (before 2008.) I beg of you.

Ed. End Note: That’s all for now, folks. If you haven’t received your daily fill of Rex, why not check out more of his wisdom over at The Blue Republic?

DEAD AIR, AMERICA!

Air America Goes Way of Dodo, John Kerry

(New York) As the Chairman of the Board (Sinatra, not Cheney) once crooned about New York, “If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.” Left unsaid was that if you couldn’t make it there, well, maybe Duluth was more your speed.

Despite being the most liberal American city that doesn’t rhyme with “Man Tanbisco,” New York has turned its’ back on Air America, the America-hating home of rabble-rousers such as Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo. The ill-conceived liberal talk radio network that was founded with money provided by the tax-supported National Endowment for the Arts and a healthy contribution from the twisted folks at the National Assembly of Massachusetts-Based Liberal Agitators (NAMBLA) lost their flagship station when advertisement revenue fell far short of projections. “As it turns out, hippies have no money,” explained WLIB-AM general manager Jane Fonda. “Who knew?”

While tens of fans mourned the loss of Franken’s whiney voice, a few held onto the delusional hope that the network would find a new Big Apple home. New York icon and confessed pedophile Woody Allen expressed rare optimism in offering possible options for the beleaguered network. “Well, there’s always the subway stations. I did stand-up there in the 50’s, and when I wasn’t getting spit on I sometimes made enough money to buy a nice teenage girl in Chinatown.” While there are no confirmed reports that Franken, like Allen, prefers Asian children to share his bed, no one denies that the former Saturday Night Live writer is a liberal man of Jewish descent with little to no comedic talent.

Another rare fan, Rosie O’Donnell, also expressed confidence that the on-air “talent” would find other venues for their liberal rants. “Any one of them would be a hit down at the ‘Y’ or at any club in the Village, but that Janeane Garofalo? What a cutie-patootie!” O’Donnell, who went on to describe in great detail the virtues of Garofalo’s breasts, admitted that he politics tend to fall far left of center. “Let’s just say that George Bush doesn’t like my kind.”

New and completely fair and balanced White House spokesman Tony Snow quickly rebutted O’Donnell’s libel. “Mr. O’Donnell couldn’t be more wrong. As you all know, the President has a long history of being the champion of fat Irish-American men. “Cheney,” as you all know, is Celtic for “brave quail hunter.” After being pulled aside by and whispered to by former Chief of Staff Andy Card, the neophyte returned to the podium and read to the collected press corps his favorite passages from “My Pet Goat.”

Promotional Note: Are you, like us, tired of waiting for the End of Days? If so, check out Rex Kramer’s Saturday piece in The Blue Republic, where he reveals the exact day you can expect to be shaking hands with Jesus!

No Patriotism For You!

Come Back Tomorrow!

On Rex Kramer's To-Do List Tonight:

1) Write another masterpiece for The Blue Republic.

2) De-clutter the Kramerica Kompound (this historic monument goes on the market on Monday.)

3) Pay attention to the wee Danger-Seeking Daughters (but not too much, lest they be spoiled,) and possibly even feed them.

4) Pray to the Temple of the Freedom-Loving Jesus that the next Danger-Seeking child is a boy.

5) Continue to love America...more than you.

Sadly, this exhaustive list leaves Rex little time to preach to the patriotism-deficient.

9/11 FAMILIES HATE AMERICA

Greedy Survivors Give Aid, Comfort to Enemy

(Alexandria, VA) Family members of victims of 9/11 (and really, weren’t we all victims of 9/11?) who once praised the government for its’ immediate retaliation against al Queda-loving Iraq, now seem bent on providing aid and comfort to the same people that brought about “the Day that Changed Everything©.” Relatives of those who bravely gave their lives in the name of freedom on 9/11 and who have been offered a more-than-fair settlement of $7 billion from the government, have instead opted to sabotage the hugely-popular (and even more patriotic) War on Terror© for the sole purpose of satisfying their own greed.

These ingrates’ most recent America-hating act was revealed today, when they filed a motion to gain access to evidence collected in the government’s case against Hillary Clinton’s former pen pal, Zacarias Moussaoui. The self-serving reason? To further their baseless civil wrongful death lawsuit, a frivolous case that shames the memory of their heroic kin and the role they played in making America safer for democracy. Government attorneys contend, and rightly so, that releasing such sensitive information could potentially damage future cases against those responsible (in addition to Saddam) for 9/11…should they ever be brought to justice.

Prosecutors further argued that the requested evidence, while currently unclassified, could be re-classified as “super-duper top secret” should the Decider-in-Chief deem the information vital to national security. “As everyone knows, under the guidelines set forth in the universally-applauded Patriot Act, if the President says it’s a secret, it’s a secret,” patiently explained Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales, who may have had a distant (but dearly-loved) third cousin interning at a Wall Street law firm located only blocks away from the World Trade Center on that fateful day, knows the heartbreak 9/11 families feel, but asserted that their refusal to “let go” must be balanced against the good of the nation. “Will a few unclassified documents of little consequence bring back the thousands of Americans killed by Saddam Hussein’s henchmen on the 11th day of September? No…and to suggest otherwise is clearly irresponsible, and not a little America-hating.”

Especially galling was the fact that some family members assisted the government by testifying against the defendant in the Moussaoui trial, and then before a much-deserved death sentence could be passed down (keep your fingers crossed) decided to stab America in the back. Speaking for the administration for the last time, Medal of Freedom-winning White House spokesman Scott McClellan declared, “These people, like our Old Europe allies sitting on the fence regarding the Iranian crisis, need to decide if they’re with us or against us.”

Ed. Note: Is Rex Kramer an asshole? Vote now in SG's latest poll!

GAS PUMP WOES? BLAME THE TREE-HUGGERS!

Bush: Enviro-Nazis Cause of High Fuel Costs

(Washington) Feeling pressure to curb skyrocketing fuel costs, President Bush announced today what most Americans already knew; hippies are to blame for excessive oil prices. “I'm directing EPA administrator Johnson to use all of his available authority to grant waivers that would relieve critical fuel supply shortages, and I do that for the sake of our consumers,*” invoked the President, addressing ridiculous and outdated regulations put in place by the hippie-friendly Carter administration. Left unsaid, but understood as a given, is that such regulations only serve to provide aid and comfort to the enemies.

The President’s “War on Tree-Hugging©” was applauded by those who have raged against the power monopoly environmentalists have enjoyed for decades. “You know why those penguin-poking hippies have fought tooth and nail against drilling in the ANWR, don’t you?” rhetorically asked Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. “That’s where they grow their weed!” Stevens, as most true Americans know, has long been a proponent of oil exploration in the lifeless wastelands of his home state, and has repeatedly and reasonably protested that EPA regulations are far too restrictive. “I mean, so what if we have a major spill? Have you ever been to central Alaska? It’s a frozen hell! Imagine the 9th Ward frozen solid and with less black folks, and you get an idea of what the ANWR is really like.”

Other like-minded patriots were hopeful that the President’s actions would result in even more necessary EPA waivers. “If we could just get those lab geeks off of our backs, just think of what we could accomplish in the Everglades,” fantasized Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL.) “Think about it. You’d be hard-pressed to find any reasonable person who’d argue that unregulated sugar farming coupled with rapid condominium development wouldn’t help bring down oil prices. It’s science, people!”

Others deeply concerned with this nation’s Addiction to Foreign Oil© also offered ideas how a watered-down EPA could assist in curbing rampant fuel cost increases. “Why, with the Enviro-Nazis out of the way, I could shoot as many lawyers as I wanted. No limit!” cheered Vice President Cheney. “As any government scientist could tell you, the average attorney, when properly squeezed, produced 6-8 gallons of sweet, sweet crude oil! That’s just good for America, people!”

While President Bush stated that his lifting of EPA regulations was only temporary, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales later issued a position paper in which it was clearly stated that any temporary order issued by the President during times of war is, per the Patriot Act, permanent.

* - Indicates Actual Quote (No, Really)

POLL: AMERICANS INCREASINGLY STUPIDER

Begs Question: Are Retardation, America-Hating Connected?

(Washington) As every parent concerned about the state of public education recalls, President Bush once poised the imponderable question, “Is our children learning?*” Almost six years later, it appears that we have an answer; “not so goodly.” A CNN poll (if such things can be believed) released today revealed that only 32% of Americans now support the President unquestioningly; conversely, Department of Education officials now fear that 68% of the population is “dumber than dog shit.”

“Clearly, the secular system of education endorsed by the Clinton administration has failed us,” mourned Education Secretary Margaret Spellings. Spellings, whose teaching bona fides include an educational stint as political advisor to Bush’s first gubernatorial campaign and who helped co-author the brilliant No Child Left Behind Act, believes (and rightly so) that keeping God out of the classroom has kept intelligence out of our collective heads. “What would Jesus say about a nation that turned its’ back on its’ leader during a time of war? Far be it from me to put words in the mouth of the Lord, but I feel confident that the Baby Jesus would shed a small Holy tear over such disloyal stupidity.”

Spellings’ dead-on assessment was shared by the newly-appointed Secretary of Christian Education, the Rev. Pat Robertson. “A true Christian soldier would never abandon his commander-in-chief on the battlefield,” asserted Robertson, who has deftly merged his new duties with those he already tends to as Secretary of Church and State. “Thus, every public school in the land must be smited for their idiocy, and soon! Sure, some innocents will perish, but you must expect these things in a time of war against the pagans.” Robertson went on to cite Iraqi civilian casualties as an example of how sometimes horror is necessary in the reach for the greater good, but was also quick to point out that no Iraqi is truly innocent.

Others disagree that a sudden drop in IQ levels at the school level is the cause of President Bush’s inexplicable sliding poll numbers. “The fact is, things went so seamlessly well during the first term that people, even good, conservative Republican people, developed unrealistic expectations for the administration,” explained outgoing White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “However, that said, as there is an ongoing investigation into who leaked the President’s poll numbers, it would be irresponsible to comment further.”

Asked to address to the two-thirds of Americans who, according to the poll, couldn’t spell U-S-A without humming a Lee Greenwood song, President Bush responded by saying that he had made the mistake of taking polls too seriously in the past, but would not repeat that error again. “Fool me once…shame on…shame on you…if fooled, you can’t get fooled again!*”

* - Denotes Actual Quotes (but you knew that already)

SG ANTI-TERROR EXCLUSIVE!

Osama Actually an Angry Black Woman!

(Orlando) After analyzing the latest amateur-quality tape issued by marginalized al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Spurious George’s crack intelligence team has come to the undisputable conclusion that the terror ring-leader is in fact an attention-seeking, angry African-American female. “Beyond any reasonable doubt, we have proven that the world’s most wanted man, er, woman, lurks among us,” reasonably explained senior SG intelligence analyst George Tenet. “If I were still continuing my Medal of Freedom-winning career at the CIA, I’d have the threat alert set at ultra-violet right about now.”

While intelligence used to make this determination is highly classified and thus none of your damn business, experts stated off the record that “Osama’s” actions since 9/11 (The Day That Changed Everything©) have only served to reveal his/her true self. “Think about it,” implored the source, who despite what you might think, is definitely not Vice President Dick Cheney. “This person…I hesitate to call him or her ‘Osama’…blames everyone but him or herself for his or her own problems. He or she is always blaming ‘the West,’ correct? Folks, that’s just code for ‘the white man.’ And so I ask you, what segment of society blames their own ill fortune inexplicably on the white man? I’ll give you one guess.”

“Anyone who has ever watched auditions for American Idol could tell you that we’re dealing with an angry black woman,” sensibly opined another source, who referred to himself simply as “the Hammer.” According to this source, Osama, like all women of color who delusionally believe their more important than they actually are, act out irrationally when the cold nightstick of reality comes crushing down on their psyche. “Have you seen these women who Simon rejects with a smarmy comment? Pathetic! Despite evidence to the contrary, they walk away loudly professing their talent, usually accompanied by a few veiled threats. Sound familiar?”

“In this world of instant pseudo reality-TV fame, the psychotic attention-seeker, and especially the black female, will go to every length to see her face on TV…even if it is covered with a fake beard and dirty turban,” insightfully added “Lush Rimbaugh,” one of America’s most respected media voices. “Clearly what we’re dealing with here who believes that access to a cheap video camera and al Jazeera’s telephone number will make her a star. Sadly, she seems to care infinitely more about herself than she does for the country that emancipated her.”

Reached at his Crawford ranch where he is taking a well-earned vacation, President Bush refused to declare a “War on Angry Black Women©,” but stated that all options are on the table.

THE SG SUNDAY EDITORIAL

Priorities: Get Some!

Whenever I have some free time on my hands (rare,) I sometimes peruse the vast, bong water-scented ocean of hippie blogs that swallow precious bandwidth that could otherwise be used for hunting down Osama. I am, at this point in my danger-seeking career, incapable of being surprised by the hippie’s unsubstantiated mantra (i.e. “George Bush sucks,”) but I must admit my brow was raised ever-so-magnificently when I realized the sheer volume of propaganda the average America-hater spews on any given day. Some, in fact, post numerous lie-stained manifestos every day! While I suppose I should be impressed that this kind of output can be maintained despite the well-documented lethargy that is associated with chronic marijuana use, the fact is I can’t help but wonder if marijuana also affects one’s ability to establish priorities in one’s life (having never inhaled, I can only speculate.) As T.J. Hooker once told the audience of a subversive and overrated late-night variety show, “Get a life!”

Consider the recent historic events transpiring in the über-American existence of your humble hero. As I pen this patriotic post, I am still in the midst of a particularly messy homicide investigation, planning for the arrival of the next Danger-Seeking Kramer, attempting to sell the current Kramerica© compound while at the same time searching for the next headquarters site, and on top of it all, dealing with a really annoying ingrown toenail. I point this out not to illustrate how my challenges are more impressive than your own (but let’s face it, they are,) but rather to provide an example of how to prioritize one’s issues. With these engrossing issues, am I concerned about the mythical “global warming?” Do I obsess over when the bombs will start falling (hint: soon) on Tehran? Do I lose sleep thinking about such trivial matters such as abortion rights? The answers, clearly, are no, no, and why would I…I’m not a chick!

The fact of the matter is I pay my over-inflated taxes so that our benevolent federal government can worry about these insignificant issues for me, so that I might be better able to tend my own patriotic victory garden. Lest you think this is only a conservative (and thus superior) philosophy, I can assure you that it is not. Why, ever Her High Hippiness endorses the “In the Government We Trust” idea in her weekly liberal literature love-fest over at The Blue Republic. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself!

RexHeads©, I firmly believe that if the hippie horde would only embrace their paternalistic leaders, they’d be a less miserable lot (seriously, when’s the last time you saw a liberal crack a smile?) How could they not? With the majority of their baseless gripes attended to by professional patriots, their limited energy could be used not only to address their own priorities (i.e. tie-dying, dope-smoking, and job-avoiding,) but also to…maybe, just maybe…publish an America-loving post now and then!

BACK TO (PATRIOTIC) BUSINESS

Spurious George Resumes Its' Regularly-Scheduled America-Loving

(Orlando) The nation of Rex Kramer's fans, also known as "RexHeads," have no doubt noted that their hero's missives have been sporadic of late. The reason for this interruption of timely patriotism has already been explained as much as can be under the restrictions of the Patriot Act. In any event, Rex's mission to keep this country safe, while never-ending, will at least downdrade enough to allow him to resume his daily duties of doling out democracy-friendly data beginning Monday (at the latest.) In the meantime, why not take a gander at Rex's attempts to bring patriotism to the hippies over at The Blue Republic? In today's piece Rex waxes philisophic about how Samuel L. Jackson's latest opus, Snakes on a Plane, is good for America. Good stuff!

McCLELLAN CUTS AND RUNS

Bush: “Scotty Couldn’t Handle the Truth”

(Washington) Over the past five years one of President Bush’s most beloved qualities has been his unquestioned loyalty to the underlings he has appointed and who serve their country without concern for their own prosperity or their own political agendas. During his glorious reign, trusted political luminaries such as Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Rice have all had their competence inexplicably questioned by the liberal mainstream media, but never by W himself. Not a day goes by when America’s Greatest President© doesn’t slap one of his subordinates on the back, be it the Secretary of the Interior or the (legal) Mexican guy who cleans the bathroom stall interiors outside the Oval Office, and drawl sincerely, “You’re doing a heckuva job!” The only thing Bush asks is loyalty in return.

Sadly, White House press secretary couldn’t even do that.

“As I said earlier this week, I’m the decider…and what I’ve decided is that Scott McClellan is a pussy,” asserted the President in reaction to the news that McClellan has cut and run from his post. Bush, who found McClellan as a feral orphan on his Crawford ranch and who raised him as his own son, expressed bitter disappointment over what many see as a betrayal bordering on treason. “The only thing I ever asked of Scotty was that he tell the American people the truth, but obviously he couldn’t handle the truth. Truth of the matter is I never trusted that pasty-faced college boy. I heard he might be gay. Maybe even Mexican. Hard to say.”

The President was not alone in his repudiation of “Mealy-Mouth McClellan.” Ari Fleischer, McClellan’s predecessor and one-time supporter of his protégé, denounced the defector on his morning radio show, Air Ari. “Scott McClellan’s not fit to carry my jockstrap, although he asked to on many occasions. It would be irresponsible to say that he asked to sniff it from time to time, but that option was on the table.” Fleischer ruled out a return to the podium, stating that he could serve America better from his current pulpit, the consulting firm he created without any assistance from any sitting member of Congress or current administration official.

McClellan’s cowardly departure has provided Washingtonians with their second-favorite pastime; rumor-mongering! Who will be the traitor’s replacement is the source of no shortage of speculation. Will it be someone super patriotic, or someone who merely loves America with every fiber of his being? While Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and in keeping with the all-male list of candidates, Ann Coulter all seem logical choices, some to think the President will continue to show his support for our troops by selecting a qualified military mouthpiece…someone how can handle the truth, of course!

SPURIOUS GEORGE FOCUSES ON THE FAMILY

Patriotism, Like Security, Begins at Home

(Orlando) We here at Spurious George are big fans of James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and all-around Jesus-loving patriot, but we also feel compelled to point out that we’ve been focusing on the family for almost eleven years now. Way back during the dark days of the Clinton administration, our senior correspondent Rex Kramer joined in holy matrimony with the woman of his dreams with promises of fidelity, equality, and limitless America-loving! This loving union between a man and a woman (the only kind of union, labor ones included, that gets Jesus’ nod of approval) produced its’ first offspring, a girl, during the Clinton death-watch era, and thus was infused in utero with a sense of hope for what this country could accomplish under more moral leadership. A second child, also a girl, burst into this world during President Bush’s first term, and as a result knows that America must stay the course with her moral duty to bring democracy and sweet, sweet freedom to the little brown heathen whether they want it or not. A third child was conceived during our fearless and peerless leader’s second term, and is due to make his (please oh please oh please let it be a “him”) in time for the mid-term elections. We have no doubt that when little Rex Junior reaches his 18th birthday, he will accomplish two things; lead the Florida Gators to yet another national championship, and help re-elect George W. Bush to a 7th term in office!

We provide this little family portrait not to lord over you the fact that the Danger-Seeker clan loves America more than yours does (even though, let’s face it, they do,) but rather to illustrate that true patriotism is a total family effort. Could Rex fight crime all day and educate you, the patriotically retarded, without the support of the beautiful mother of his children? Would Rex Kramer have the strength to take on the liberal mainstream media if his beloved daughters demanded such things as “attention” and “food?” Is it even conceivable that America’s Greatest Patriot© would be up to the task of blaming everything on the Democrats if his unborn child showed even the slightest genetic inclination to joining their insidious organization (see interactive poll on the left sidebar)? The answers are clearly no, no, and “I’d rather he be gay.”

So you see, it is imperative, if you are to cultivate a culture of excessive patriotism (if there even is such a thing) within your own brood, that you demand that your partner and your offspring be coerced, brainwashed and/or beaten into accepting your worldview…where we come from, we call that “good husbanding and parenting.” Trust us…it’s what Jesus wants.

Rex Kramer would like to take this time to thank his family, and especially his lovely and much-loved wife of almost eleven years, for allowing him this stress-relieving screaming wall. Rex would also like to advise those who would post comments of questionable taste on this site that his lovely and much-loved wife is a hormonally-ravaged pregnant female who will, with God as her witness, hunt you down. Trust us on this one…you don’t want that.

SCIENTISTS PROVE THEY HATE AMERICA

Patriotism Has No Place in the Lab

(Forty Fort, PA) As one might expect, the Jesus-hating scientific elite say they love America, but do they really? That’s a rhetorical question; of course they don’t! For example, in a recent feeble statement LabCorp of America spokesperson/Christ-denier Pam “Osama Bin” Sherry defensively announced, “I can assure you as a company we stand behind our military and military employees.*” However, despite this pathetic and half-hearted pledge of allegiance, her spitting-on-the stars and stripes scientist supervisors recently admonished an employee for…wait for it…being too patriotic!!!

Jane Rutkoski, a nurse who in her free time volunteers to tend to the wounds of our brave soldiers and counsels those raped by Democrats, was recently admonished by her LabCorp “superiors” for her interior decorating choices. According to SG’s sources, Rutkoski had the nerve to tastefully adorn her office with patriotic zeal; “offensive” knick-knacks such as the Constitution, the US flag and artwork honoring our brave men and women in uniform were prominent throughout her work space. Ordered to remove the red, white and blueness of her office or face termination, Rutkoski did the only thing any good patriot would do; she quit.

“I was brought up to respect our country and the price that was paid for it.*”

Like soldiers on the battlefield who pay the ultimate price, Rutkoski’s heroicism was downplayed by those who hate those who love our freedoms. While unavailable for comment, it is assumed that Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) would have said in reaction to Rutkoski’s martyrism, “The gall of flagrantly flaunting jingoistic paraphernalia that perpetuate the myopic erroneous view of American ethnocentrism is beyond reprehension, and completely insensitive to her apatriotic comrades.” Kerry, who eschewed his own ill-earned Purple Hearts in an act that spat in the face of all who adore purples mountains majesty as well as amber waves of grain, might have also added, “It sickens me to think that there are 11 million Mexican nationals, or as I like to call them, “pre-citizens,” in this country right now who would gladly take Ms. Rutkoski’s job and who would bring much-needed multi-ethnic viewpoints to the inferior Anglo-centric workplace.”

Patriotic Senate Republicans (redundant, we know) railed against Kerry’s complete lack of patriotic fervor and rallied to Rutkoski’s side. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, amended the bill he championed that would make flag-burning illegal to include a provision that would make flag ownership compulsory. “A flag in front of every household, or the lack thereof, would clearly demonstrate who loves their country, and who votes Democratic.” Frist, who vowed that his bill was in no way influenced by his majority stake in the Monolithic American Flag Company, further promised that, if elected President, would make mandatory the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance before every scientific experiment. “Maybe then those who would claim that we descended from the south-end of a northbound red-assed baboon would think twice before bad-mouthing their country!”

* - Indicates Actual Quotes

RUMMY FIGHTS BACK!

Sec of Defense Far From Defenseless

(Washington) As Dick Cheney recently proved, not even a shotgun blast to the face can keep a good conservative down for long. Inspired by the Vice President’s tragic ordeal, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, recently the target of the ill-conceived criticisms of a handful of bitter, partisan retired military “leaders,” has refused to allow their verbal bullets to distract him from his solemn, patriotic duty. “Fuck ‘em all,” offered the DefSec to his enemies, using a colorful Sicilian colloquialism he recently learned from Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. “Last time I checked, soldiers, even those with stars on their collars that their daddies bought for them, work for me. Can the fry guy fire the manager at McDonalds? Hell no!” For effect at his Pentagon press conference, Rumsfeld grabbed the closest man in uniform and beat him senseless, “just to show these pricks who’s boss!”

A man as virile as the Defense Secretary hardly needs anyone to defend him, but that’s exactly what a Coalition of Willing Friends have stepped up to do. President Bush, like Rumsfeld a combat veteran, has expressed full support for his brother-in-arms. “Earlier today I spoke with Don Rumsfeld about ongoing military operations in the Global War on Terror®. I reiterated my strong support for his leadership during this historic and challenging time for our nation.*” The President went on to note that Rumsfeld has served this country under three of the four greatest presidents of all time, and will without doubt make Jeb Bush a fine Pentagon chief during the upcoming “War on Terror, Part II.”

Speaking from the grave, another President under whom Rumsfeld made ingenious and bold decisions heaped praise upon his former aide. “Rummy is tough enough. He’s a ruthless little bastard,*” said Richard Nixon of Rumsfeld’s legendary ability to stay the course when the going got tough, when the rejectionists whined, or when tapes needed to be erased. “Sure, he’s a cocky little twat, but let me tell you, if you put him in a room full of retired generals armed with nothing but that creepy grin of his, I can assure you by the end of the day those generals would either be singing his praises or prying Rummy’s boot out of their asses.” Nixon went on to say “it’s really hot in here,” and “sitting in a boiling cauldron of my own feces for all eternity” is still infinitely preferable to cutting and running in Vietnam/Iraq.

As for the retired senior military officers who have inexplicably bad-mouthed their former boss, the vast majority of more-patriotic veterans have denounced their actions, which they believe only serve to give aid and comfort to the enemy…Democrats! Rear Admiral Roy Hoffman (USN-Ret) called the generals’ acts “despicable and blatantly political.” Hoffman, founder of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth group that saved this nation from a John Kerry presidency, was offended that any senior officer would use his status to affect the political process. “I took an oath to defend the Constitution, even if it is just a piece of paper, and not the hippies who would have us cut and run from our obligations,” Hoffman indignantly avowed. “It makes me sea-sick to hear so-called men of honor act as mouthpieces for some political agenda! For shame!”

(*) – Indicates Actual Quote(s)

Note: We here at Spurious George wish to convey our heart-felt thanks to our loyal readers, who continue to visit here like the patriotic Pavlovian dogs that they are, despite Rex Kramer’s recent non-blog priorities. On that note, RexHeads, the Danger-Seeker Extraordinaire wishes to advise his freedom-loving lemmings that his current assignment is far from over, but that he will, whenever possible, continue to bring you the light of liberty whenever possible!

PATRIOTISM, INTERRUPTED

Duty Calls, Rex Kramer Answers!

(Orlando) Patriots who regularly absorb every word of this column as if it were the word of God no doubt have noticed that Rex Kramer's daily and dead-on debunking of the liberal propaganda machine has been absent these past few days. On his behalf we apologize, although it should be noted that he has been wholly consumed, since this past Saturday night, in his daytime duties as a Danger Detective, with his most recent crusade against the forces of evil.

Fear not, RexHeads, your hero has not abandoned you! Rex assures us that the evil-doers will be brought to justice soon, and that he will soon thereafter resume his duty to you, his freedom-craving fanbase.

This Saturday at the latest. Hopefully. Maybe.

YE HAVE NOT BEEN ABANDONED!

Absent SG Reporter Leaves You with Patriotic Tidbits

Ed. Note: We here at SG greatly appreciate the work Rex Kramer does for us (and America,) and appreciate it even more that he does it gratis. Thus, we understand it when, such as the past 2 days, his full-time job of Danger-Seeking Detecting interferes with his passion for spreading patriotism. Still, from the front lines Rex sent these morsels of information to keep you, his beloved Rexheads©, until his promised return tomorrow.

Hippie-tainment: Hippies tired of a day spent playing Frisbee-golf and kicking a hackie-sack can now kick back with their bongs and bags of Doritos while playing the game that is sweeping that nation’s VW buses, “From Space with Love!” Flag-burning players of this game control a flying saucer that beams up God-fearing soldiers and transforms them into…hippies!

Reptile-tainment: Are you as excited as I am about the coming release of the blockbuster “Snakes on a Plane?” Finally, a movie title than honestly describes the plot (I originally assumed “Brokeback Mountain” was the sequel to Clint Eastwood’s “Hamburger Hill.”) Until the August 18th premier date, you can get your SoaP fix at Snakes on a Blog (Samuel L. Jackson says, “Bookmark it now, motherfuc*er!”)

Bored-tainment: If SoaP is truth in advertising, the “Strip Generator” is anything but. Turns out, it has nothing to do with Pamela Anderson and everything to do with making your own online comic strip. Bastards.

Ed. Footnote: Rex gets back to the art of America-loving tomorrow with his regular post here, as well as his weekly masterpiece at The Blue Republic.

DEMOCRAT PLAYS RACE CARD

Congresswoman Uses “OJ Defense” to Justify Striking Cop

(Washington) By all accounts, Representative Cynthia McKinney (D-FL) is your average Democratic member of Congress: violent, void of ideas, and disrespectful of authority. Thus it came as a surprise to no one when earlier this week she struck a Capitol Police officer (while possibly on a “crack high”) after refusing to submit to a mandatory security check, and then subsequently blame the incident on the officer’s alleged racism. McKinney, a woman of color who clearly has developed a false sense of entitlement “thanks” to ill-conceived affirmative action, refused to present her security credentials to officers who’s duty it is to protect the Capitol Building, and was temporarily denied entry. That’s when, according to credible, white male witnesses, McKinney “got up all in the officer’s faces.”

“I have never in my law-abiding career on the Hill seen a member of Congress so drunk, or more likely high, on power,” observed Tom DeLay (R-TX,) who recently announced his retirement so that he may devote more time to his efforts to feed Africa’s poor. “And the language! I can’t repeat what she said…no, seriously, I have no idea what she said. I think she was talking jive or ebonics, or whatever those people call it. Quite possibly, she was rapping. One thing for sure, it wasn’t the kind of gospel music that her people are known for.”

“That’s when she pulled the knife. I’m pretty sure she had a gun as well,” observed Tom Tancredo (R-CO,) a man in no way biased against non-white Americans. “The officer showed great restraint by not using deadly force, which clearly would have been justified.” Tancredo remarked that he vividly recalled seeing McKinney possessing a knife, as he found it odd that an African-American would have such a weapon. According to the “Defender of Denver,” cutting weapons are most often found on the persons of illegal Mexican welfare-abusers who hate our freedom and who steal American jobs.

Administration officials, always supportive of the foot soldier and patrol officer, assured the American people that the incident involving the cop-hating Democrat was in no way influenced by the Congresswoman’s race. “As a black woman raised in 1950’s Birmingham, Alabama, I never once felt that I was pre-judged because of my skin color,” truthfully asserted authority-respecting Condoleezza Rice, whom many white people respect for her ability to annunciate clearly and her disdain for racial quotas. “Thus, it is inconceivable that in contemporary America, where racism has been eliminated, that Representative McKinney could have been the ‘victim’ of racial profiling.”

Despite her soul sister’s assurances that her complaints were unfounded, McKinney’s attorneys Mark Shapiro and F. Lee Bailey today filed a motion with the court that would prohibit any punitive legal action against their client. “As we proved in California v. Simpson, ‘if you ain’t white, you can’t indict,” rapped a clearly-intoxicated and cross-dressing Bailey.

Ed. Note: Despite SG’s best efforts, those hippies at Agitprop continue to hate America. Now only half-way through their Week of Smiting©, we need your help more than ever so that those tie-dyed freaks may see the error in their ways. Won’t you stop by their site and bring them over to the light side of freedom-loving? Jesus will thank you for it!

SCIENTISTS: JESUS WAS A BIG PHONY!

Miracles Questioned by Hell-Bound FSU Seminoles

(Tallahassee) Florida State University researchers, angry at God for the University of Florida’s superiority and their inability to get a date, today lashed out at the Almighty by suggesting that Jesus did not, as the Bible proved, walk on water. According to these secular scientists, it is possible that during Our Savior’s time on Earth small portions of the Sea of Gaililee may have become frozen, and thus it is theoretically possible that He may have been buoyed by floating mini-icebergs. Explained FSU blasphemer Doron Nof in an attempt to avoid the wrath of God and subsequent eternal damnation, “We leave to others the question of whether or not our research explains the biblical account*”

As expected and as was necessary, US Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson added his spiritual gravitas to the debate. “So these so-called learned folks would have us believe that Jesus Christ was, what? Nanook of the North?” Robertson, who recently patented a machine that turns water into wine, rejected the notion that science can explain the unknowable mind of God. “What’s next? Will they claim that Lazarus was resurrected by CPR? Will they assert that He healed the sick with the use of stem cells? Will they dare claim that the star over Bethlehem was in fact the reflection off of the Hubble Telescope? I’d call for the smiting of Tallahassee, but as any Gator can attest, that armpit was smited long ago.”

The state capitol, however, is not without its’ Jesus-lovers. Chief among them is America’s second-greatest Bush brother, Florida governor Jeb, who took time from his busy schedule dedicated to making the state’s coastlines safe for the patriotic production of domestic oil to call out those who question the Savior. “While everyone knows I’m a big FSU athletic supporter, I can not, as a Christian and an American…I know that’s redundant…stand by and let them bad-mouth He who washed away our sins.” The governor then announced that he was withholding all state funding for Florida’s most Jesus-hating university, and forwarding the earmarked money to Tom DeLay’s defense fund. “If Florida State won’t defend Jesus’ honor, the money should go to someone who will.”

Ed. Note: The efforts to bring the freedom-hating blog Agitprop back into the fold of Freedom-loving has, like the University of Florida’s basketball team, been wildly successful. However, now is not the time to let up on the pressure. We urge you, the patriotic SG reader, to post your pro-America message there daily, and assist in this blessed intervention!

CONGRESS CAN’T PAY POWER BILL

Tax-and-Spend Democrats Rightfully Blamed

(Washington) The Capitol Building went dark today, and for once it was not due to one of Ted Kennedy’s hangover-induced bad moods. A suspicious power outage forced a bipartisan evacuation (although Democrats were seen cutting and running quicker than their more brave GOP counterparts,) and as a precautionary measure, the bombing of Iran.

Ed. Note: Ignore that last line…it never happened!

While the usual suspects such as al Queda, Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton were initially accused of causing the blackout, a much more sinister organization was ultimately held accountable: Democratic Congressmen. Although both houses of Congress are, mercifully, solidly in the hands of the Republican Party, in an act inspired by President Bush’s call for civility in government the opposition party was ceded responsibility for one simple duty: paying the electric bill.

Of course, they screwed that up. Typical.

“Not only do the Democrats want you to believe they can defend our country from terrorism, but they would have you believe that they are fiscally responsible,” stated an incredulous President of the Senate Dick Cheney. Cheney, whose super-powers include the ability to see in the dark, remained at his seat during the incident, while so-called warriors such as John Murtha and John Kennedy knocked over senior citizens and visiting Girl Scouts on their way out the door. “I mean, these people can’t even pay their own bills. No doubt the money that should’ve been paid to America’s patriotic power companies was wasted on marijuana and quickie abortions!”

FOCUS ON THE FREEDOM-HATING BLOG (Part 1)

This Week’s Target: Agitprop!

Ed. Note: We here at Spurious George World Headquarters exist not to judge, but to educate. With that in mind, each week we will cast our judgmental-yet-educating spotlight of righteousness upon one of the more freedom-hating blogs that spread their slanderous liberal lies without fear of repercussion. In the days that follow, SG will comment daily (in a patriotic, constructive manner) at that site, as well as contact each of that site’s link…all in an effort to bring the offending blogger back to the side of America-loving! Think of it as an online intervention


(SG HQ) Enough already, Agitprop! We beg of you…stop hating America!

From your prominent display of a dead English actor to your unseemly infatuation with Bill O’Reilly’s sex life to your inexplicable failure to accept President Bush’s edicts as the Word of God, everything about you screams in falsetto, “I live to bad-mouth my country!”

Clearly, you are beyond helping yourself, so we here at SG are here to do it for you. Over the next week we, the Rex Kramer Nation (a.k.a. “Kramerica,”) will be flooding your site with superior, pro-America messages in a heroic attempt to make you see the error of your ways. In addition, we will be contacting each and every site listed in your “links” section, both hippie and pseudo-hippie alike, and urging them to, a) coerce you into adopting a more patriotic outlook on life, and, b) stop hating America themselves.

Also, I have no doubt that the millions who visit this site will join me in this Jesus-approved endeavor. Trust me, when the RexHeads are mobilized, no one (not even the combined efforts of the Iraqi rejectionists and the marginalized Democratic Party) can stand in their way!

You’ve been warned, hippie!

Ed. Footnote: Those of you who maintain other hippie-sites best not feel smug…your intervention week is coming, and nigh!

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART III

Ed. Note: Once again, Rex Kramer brings your attention to stories that may have eluded your (but never his) attention in this semi-weekly, somewhat accurate installment of “Patriotic Potpourri.”

Colorado Hates America!

(Longmont, CO) Has the entire state become a bad South Park episode? Principal Tom Stumph of Skyline High School recently banned the display of the American flag on the campus, thus becoming the most prominent America-hater in a state long known for its’ hippie-leanings. Misinterpreting the actions of some red-blooded students who heroically waved the flag in his hippie presence, Stumph explained his actions thusly: “They were using the symbol derisively as misguided patriotism.”

Spare us, Comrade Stumph-sky. As every regular Spurious George reader knows, there is never anything misguided about patriotism…as long as it’s American patriotism, of course!

Minnesota Hates America!

(St. Paul) Once again, the state that forced upon us Hubert Humphrey, Walter Mondale and most recently and egregiously, Al Franken, has spat in the face of everything this country stands for. As everyone knows, this country was founded on tobacco (and oil, but that’s a story for another day,) and thus any opposition to the continued prosperity of America’s cottage nicotine industry is as un-American as banning the flag. Thus, it came as no great surprise when a Minnesota legislating-from-the-bench judge restricted the rights of law-abiding citizens when he banned smoking inside private businesses. Commented freedom-hater and author of the bill upon which the judge ruled David Thune, “It’s a great day for public health!”

But is it a great day for freedom, Mr. Thune? We think not. Besides, since when has it been proven that smoking cool, refreshing cigarettes has any effect on public health? Scanning the authoritative study on all things (aka “the Holy Bible,”) I see no mention of this. Why do you hate the Bible, Minnesota?

Massachusetts Hates America!

(Boston) Despite being proven time and time again that they hate America, Ted Kennedy and John Kerry continue to represent the most out-of-the-mainstream state in the US Senate. Seriously, what does Massachusetts have to do to get smited?

SG HOSTS “HARRIS-PALOOZA!”

Freedom-Loving Fundraiser Benefits Katherine’s Campaign

(Kissimmee, FL) Always supportive of any candidate who is both challenging a sitting Democrat and smoking hot, Spurious George today hosted a wildly-successful fundraiser for comely Congresswoman Katherine Harris in support of her assault on hippie Senator Bill Nelson (D-FL.) Although all indications are that Harris’ campaign is going as well as can be expected, a little completely-legal cash infusion never hurt; in this case, a “little cash” was a nice but not gaudy sum of $10,000,000, or roughly the amount of taxpayer dollars spent every 43 minutes in Iraq (thus, not that much.)



The corporate-sponsored grass-roots “Harris-Palooza” was held inside Kissimmee’s Silver Spurs Arena instead of Disney’s Grand Floridian Hotel after it was learned that Disney not only tolerates the gay lifestyle, it requires it of all employees. Attended by the common man who could afford the $10,000 per plate minimum donation, Osceola County’s social event of the year provided entertainment by the country’s top patriotic acts (Lee Greenwood brought many in the crowd to tears,) cuisine crafted to suit the rural conservative taste (the armadillo pate’ was to die for,) and inspiring speeches from some of the nation’s top America-lovers (Ann Coulter brought the barn down with her impression of Russ Feingold.) Judging from the comments of those in attendance, this was the biggest thing to happen in Central Florida since neo-Nazis marched through Orlando’s predominantly-black Parramore district.

“Wow, what a bash!” Gushed Orlando’s own Senator Mel Martinez, who as a man of Hispanic heritage, identifies with Harris’ minority status as a rich, white female. “Everything looked great, especially Kathy. I mean, did you see those yammies she has now? Those alone should be worth at least 2 points in the polls.”

Indeed, Harris’ perky breasts were on the tip of the tongues of many of her admirers in the crowd. “I had heard that her campaign was in trouble, but honestly I can’t see how she doesn’t get more support with sweater puppies like those,” gushed a slightly-tipsy Bill O’Reilly who may have imbibed more than his share of the fresh moonshine that flowed from the show’s many open bars. “Does Bill Nelson have hooters like those? I think not! Anyone who doesn’t vote for Katherine Harris is completely gay, and probably doesn’t like loofahs either!”

Clearly, the highlight of the day was Harris’ appearance. After mumbling something about “America” and “Democratic pansies,” she titillated the crowd with a engrossing strip/pole dance, during which she collected approximately 50% of the fundraiser’s donations (it is unknown how much was donated during the subsequent lap dances, but we’re certain that Katherine will dutifully report it to the FEC and IRS in a timely fashion.)

Ed. Note: We here at SG realize that we’ve recently dedicated a lot of space on this site to Congresswoman Harris’ senatorial campaign, but we feel it is in the greatest interest of this country’s future to see her elected to that august body. Besides (and speaking of bodies,) have you seen her boobies?!? Breathtaking!!!

REX KRAMER FOUND!

Reporter Napping, Not Kidnapped

(Kramerica World HQ) A much-relieved SG senior editor Pat Robertson this morning announced that patriot-without-peer Rex Kramer has been found alive and well-rested. As the search for America's primary freedom-lover was initially conducted by officials left over from the Clinton administration, they ineptly failed to look under his desk, where an exhausted Kramer (exhausted by his efforts to bring decency to the hippie horde) was merely enjoying a well-earned nap.

"Praise be to Jesus, Rex is just fine, and ready to resume his preaching to the patriotism-deficient," testified Robertson. "He has confided in me that he'll resume his rightful place at the SG Bully Pulpit later this evening, but in the meantime he urges all repentent hippies to seek the truth at The Blue Republic."