RUMSFELD: “DON’T CALL THEM INSURGENTS”

Defense Secretary Issues New, Improved Iraq Lexicon

(Washington) Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today issued to a nattering press corps military-approved terms to be used when describing Operation Enduring Freedom. Primary amongst the new, more reality-based terms is a replacement for the inaccurate “insurgents,” who henceforth will be referred to as “Freedom-Abhorring Guerrillas,” or “FAGs.”

“We feels America can easily get behind hating FAGs,” explained Rumsfeld. “Our focus groups have determined that ‘insurgent’ invokes an underdog type of image amongst Americans, and we can’t have America cheering for the underdogs, as they are wont do to.” The Defense Secretary went on to explain that Webster defines “insurgent” as “rising up against established authority,” and thus was an inappropriate description for the godless terrorists who have killed more babies than the Supreme Court. “The Iraqi government, while getting stronger each day, is hardly an established authority,” wisely commented Rumsfeld. “The only thing they’re rising up against is freedom, people.”

Other misused terms that the DOD has officially stricken from the English language are “improvised explosive device,”“roadside bomb,” and “suicide bomb.” These will now collectively, under pain of Patriot Act enforcement, be called “minor setbacks.” The Secretary rightly issued an executive order that such incidents involving minor setbacks will be reported in an “it is what it is” context. “For example, you might report that “the inevitable crusade toward freedom suffered only a minor setback today,” advised Rumsfeld, who quickly corrected himself. “Actually, ‘crusade’ will no longer be used as of today. The new term is ‘journey.”
In addition, US soldiers who are killed heroically in action will now be said to have been “martyred on the altar of sweet freedom.” However, Rumsfeld warned that our brave soldiers should never be reported as having been “martyred by FAGs.” “Reporting that Americans have been martyred by FAGs gives aid and comfort to the FAGs,” admonished Rumsfeld, often referred to as the greatest fighting American since Patton. “Besides, Americans will never, ever, be beaten by FAGs.”

1000th EXECUTION EXTRAVAGANZA MOVED TO NC

2005 Elections “Blew It’ For Virginia’s Chances

(Richmond) Thanks to fickle Virginia voters, Robin Lovitt’s place in history has been relegated to a mere footnote, instead of the lethally-shocking exclamation point it was to be. Lovitt, convicted in 1999 of stabbing to death a pool hall employee, was to become the nation’s 1,000th executed prisoner since the Supreme Court, in a rare moment of patriotism, re-instituted the death penalty in 1976. However, Virginia’s election of a Democrat governor has forced the federal government to grant the much-coveted milestone to North Carolina. “It’s just not fair,” lamented Lovitt from his cell. “I mean, they had the party all ready to go an all. They made a commemorative bobble-head of me and everything!” Lovitt added that had he known his place in history would be denied, he never would have, like all killers, voted Democrat.

Governor Mark Warner (D-VA,) a vocal foe of the death penalty except when fetuses are involved, in a face-saving gesture announced that he had issued a stay for Lovitt’s execution. However, top White House officials conceded that the stay order came from a higher office. Said the anonymous deputy chief of staff, “Let’s just say the boss felt the honor belonged to a more right-thinking state.” The official added, “To be clear, this is just a stay. Don’t worry, Lovitt’s going to die.”

Now Kenneth Lee Boyd, a North Carolina man convicted of killing his wife and father in law, is due to be the recipient of the high honor. NC Governor Michael Easley, despite being a Democrat, reported that there are no barriers to impede Boyd’s big day. “The courts have all said this one’s a go.” Both of North Carolina’s US Senators are god-fearing Republicans, and will fete thousands of guests in the hours leading up to Boyd’s death. “Virginia’s loss is our gain,” gushed Senator Burr (R-NC.) “This is the best thing to happen to North Carolina since the death of affirmative action!” Added Senator Elizabeth Dole (R-NC,) “When you stop and think that we’ve lost twice as many of our boys in Iraq than we’ve killed here stateside, well, it makes you thank God that soon the Supreme Court will stop legislating from the bench.”

Boyd, who like Lovitt is a registered Democrat, expressed his gratitude for being allowed to enter the history books. “Any killer can be 999th, but it takes a special kind of killer, a North Carolina killer, to be number 1,000. God bless America!”

RICE: IRAQ VICTORY “ALMOST COMPLETE”

Iraqi Troops “Almost, Not Quite” As US, Better Than French

(San Francisco) Secretary of State Rice, meeting today with the President of recently de-annexed city of San Francisco, announced that the Iraqi government is almost ready to defend the country against the last throes of the insurgency. Rice stated that upon meeting with Iraq President Talabani last week she was told, good-naturedly, “Get the (censored) out of my house, bitch!” The Secretary stated that she took Talabani’s remark as a humorous way of saying thank you to the US for their assistance during this transitional period, and that the Iraqi people are almost ready to join the freedom-loving world community.

“It’s so cute,” said Rice. “They have soldiers with uniforms and everything!”

Rice assured the American people that while the Iraqi army is getting better every day, they are still no match for the American soldier. “It is still the American GI that keeps Iraq out of the hands of the terrorists. The training wheels are off, but daddy’s not ready to let his little girls ride out of the driveway yet.”

However, Rice, who as a Lt. General was assigned to NATO command during the Cold War, says that the brave Iraqi troops compare well to those of more established armies. “The Iraqis are battle-tested and hardened, unlike, say, the French. I’m almost certain that if they were to, hypothetically, invade France, they’d take Paris within two weeks.” Rice quickly added that the US would not tolerate such an attack, unless, of course, if the frog-eaters get uppity again. “All options are on the table” she diplomatically explained.

An annoying, probably gay reporter asked the Secretary how the Iraqi Army, which supposedly only had 700 fully-trained soldiers as little as a week ago, could be expected to defend against an insurgency of thousands. “That 700 number was a reality-based number. In theory, there are over 700,000 well-trained soldiers over there. Certainly, that would be enough, no? This administration has said all along that it will not bend to Democrats’ pressure to make our soldiers stay in harm’s way for decades. Unlike them, we love our soliders.”

BUSH TAPS BROWN TO GOVERN IRAQ

Ex-FEMA Director “The Can-Do Guy” Uppity Iraqis Need

(New York) President Bush today announced that, effective immediately, former FEMA director extraordinaire Michael Brown would oversee the “broad stroke” functions of the latest Iraqi government. Brown’s appointment comes on the heels of foolish Iraqi calls for a US pullout from that country, which the President rightfully labeled “ungrateful and uppity.”

Brown, known worldwide as the “Savior of New Orleans” for his bold and effective leadership in the efforts to manage the Hurricane Katrina disaster, said that he declined several offers to head major corporations so that he could once again have the honor of serving the American people. Brown, who speaks Farsi as fluently as a Basra Arabian horse breeder, and is familiar with the Iraqi culture having served as General Norman Schwarzkopf’s aide-de-camp during Desert Storm, brings to his position an understanding of the “big picture” that many short-sighted Iraqis lack. “Under the thumb of Saddam, as these poor underprivileged people were for so long, they have been brainwashed to hate freedom,” accurately assessed Brown. “It is my intent to make them understand, by force if necessary, that the US is to be seen as liberators, not conquerors. I truly believe that in the end, that is how we will be seen.”

“I just know Brownie will do a helluva job,” the understated Bush announced, as he draped around Brown’s neck the Medal of Freedom he will no doubt earn in the near future. “I have full confidenceness that Brownie will bring the same compassion and competence to the undeserving people of Iraq that he brought to the undeserving people of Louisiana.”

Brown left the White House press conference and traveled immediately to New York, where he plans to attend to his new post from a floor of suites at the Waldorf-Astoria. A spokesman for the new Iraqi governor informed the pesky press that Brown would, if necessary, visit Iraq from time to time, but that he intended to delegate much of the day-to-day operations of the country to Iraq’s elected leaders. Wisely summarized the spokesman, “There’s no real reason to hurry over there. I mean, everything seems to be going so well right now.”

Pentagon Declares Media “Legitimate Targets”

(Washington) In an exclusive interview with patriotic Fox News, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that during wartime, media outlets that provide aid and comfort to the enemy are legitimate targets and subject to some well-deserved shocking and awing. While not confirming that President Bush had been treacherously dissuaded from bombing the headquarters of al Qaeda mouthpiece Al Jazeera, Secretary Rumsfeld declared that outside-the-mainstream networks would “do well to do less America bad-mouthing, and a hell of a lot more shut-upping.”

Rumsfeld, whom many consider a possible running mate for VP Dick Cheney in 2008, assured news outlets that provide stories from the battlefield in a “fair and balanced way” had no reason to be concerned about the military’s new policy, but warned that the more America-hating networks are either “with us or against us.” The Secretary declined to identify which outlets met that criteria, but hinted that if he had his way, “Dan Rather would be shaking hands with Saddam’s kids right about now in the deepest bowels of hell.”

Es expected, the Pentagon’s reasonable policy was baselessly attacked by leaders of the left-wing media conglomerate. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, who allegedly supports the ACLU’s attempts to force our soldiers to wear pink uniforms, feebly denounced Rumsfeld, and by extension, all freedom-loving Americans, by calling his heroic announcement “Stalinesque.” Blizter’s comment was curious, considering that he, like almost all CNN staff, are active Communist Party members.

In a related story, the National Rifle Association today endorsed the ratification of a bill that would ban all journalists from possessing any firearms. NRA president Sandy Froman stated that the association customarily fights vigorously for the right of all Americans to possess weapons, but that the NRA drew the line at those who would wish harm upon this country’s brave soldiers. Said Froman, “The NRA supports the right of all law-abiding Americans to possess guns. However, the last time I checked treason was a law, and one, I might add, that the so-called ‘mainstream media’ has broken repeatedly.” Froman then revealed the NRA’s newest approved marksman target, a head and torso replica of CNN reporter and enemy of freedom-loving people everywhere, Anderson Cooper. Froman remarked that in addition to treason, she is almost certain that Cooper has repeatedly violated local sodomy laws, most likely with domestic animals.

Bush Pardons Those Who Sinned Against Him

(Crawford, TX) A kind and forgiving President Bush today took time from his well-earned Thanksgiving break today to issue unmerited pardons to those who in the past failed to accept his infallibility. Bush, in a moment of decided understatement, called these unworthy few “confused,” and called upon all right-thinking Americans to heap pity, and not scorn, upon them.

Among those pardoned was media sponge Cindy Sheehan, the decidedly unpatriotic mother whose son would most likely have spit upon had he not willingly gave up his life defending her freedom. The President correctly identified her as a “stooge of those outside the mainstream,” but also characterized her as “possibly mentally unstable, much like PMS” following the heroic death of her son.

President Bush also issued pardons for all of the so-called allies who withdrew from the Coalition of the Willing, although he admitted that true forgiveness may be beyond even his awesome power. “While I pardon the trespasses made by nations such as Spain, ultimately, they must answer to God for their sins against Christ.” Bush, whose favorite humble crucifix dangled from his strong neck, continued. “For when the infidels build their mosques in Madrid and Barcelona, I can assure you the Big C ain’t gonna be happy.”

Others who received magnanimous pardons included Sen. John Kerry (for making the president’s hard-working base donate a portion of their tax cuts to the re-election fund,) Rep. John Murtha (for letting the effects of advanced age cloud his patriotism,) and even that amorphous lump of America-hating Michael Moore (too many sins to list.)

Even the president’s compassion has its’ limits, however. Bush would not, however, offer a pardon to Osama bin Laden or France. In fact, Bush revealed that the latest intelligence clearly shows that the wanted figurehead of the terrorist group that once enjoyed a symbiotic relationship with Iraq is now being coddled in Paris. The president, citing the spirit of the holiday season, would not commit to military action against Chirac’s government, but did state that all options were on the table.

Pat Robertson: Pennsylvania “On God’s List”

(Bible Belt) Rev. Pat Robertson, moral conscious of the nation and uncanny diviner of God’s will, today revealed that in his most recent conversation with Jesus, the Lord informed him that the entire state of Pennsylvania may soon feel His angry wrath. According to Robertson, who normally shies from injecting his superior Christian morals into the secular world, recent events within the Keystone State have angered heaven, and may have even signaled the coming of the “End of Days.”

Robertson cited the off-year election that ousted a Dover, PA pro-intelligent design school board as the first sign of blasphemy. “Well, I suppose those who were descended from monkeys were giddy about that, but I assure you, Jesus Christ, who descended from heaven and not, as some would argue, a red-assed baboon, was not.” Robertson, long rumored to be #2 on Jesus’ speed-dial, then identified the cowardly call by longtime Pennsylvania congressman John Murtha to pull our Holy Warriors from the land of the infidels as “an affront to God and all of the blessed and brave crusaders from the ages.”

Still, Robertson stated, he believed that the majority of Pennsylvanians were decent, upstanding Christians; that is, until he read the most recent polls regarding the 2006 Senate race, which show Christian hero and friend of the unborn, Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) lagging behind his baby-killing, Darwin-embracing challenger. “Let me just say this to the people of Pennsylvania,” kindly worded the usually apolitical Robertson, “if you replace a God-fearing man like Rick Santorum with a man who, more than likely, lies down with men and might even be Jewish, well, don’t be surprised if the Lord doesn’t have something for your asses.”

Reached for comment at a hospice for rescued fetuses, Santorum thanked the Reverend, but conceded that it might be too late to save his people. “Let’s be honest, the largest city in my state is named for homosexual love, something called “Mummers” prance around once a year adorned in large feathered get-ups, and now John Murtha has evidently come out of the closet. As much as I hate to say it, my adopted state may as well be called Pennsyl-Gay-Nia.” Santorum refused to comment, however, that if defeated and Pennsylvania is subsequently and almost certainly cast into the pit of fire, he would run for office in a more patriotic state. “Right now my focus is on serving the people of this state for the remainder of my term. As for after the Rapture, well, let’s just say I may be absent from my worldly duties.

Hillary Would Be Fattest President

(Sacramento) Conservative fitness buff Rush Limbaugh today released a study of potential 2008 presidential candidates that strongly indicated that, if elected, Hillary Clinton would ultimately become America’s most portly president.

“Compared side by beefy side, William Howard Taft would be called svelte,” opined the hunky health guru, who hosts a humble self-help radio show aimed at the timid and unopinionated. “I’m not so sure that’s the kind of role model our citizens deserve. I’m just thinking about the children here, people.”

Clinton, who currently crushed the scale at an estimated 350 pounds, would almost certainly add unsightly fat upon taking office. Said Bob Woodward in advance of his latest book, “Things I’ve Never Heard in the White House,” “I’ve never actually been to the White House, but I hear the chefs whips up some tasty desserts. Frankly, I just don’t think that Hillary lacks the willpower.”

President Bush, who could not be reached for comment as he was busy lugging a 200-pound rucksack through the mountains of Mongolia in his never-ending search for Osama bin Laden, is usually held up as the picture of presidential health. In addition to the silver decathlon medal he won in 1968, Bush is the veteran of eighteen Iron Man triathlons, and is currently the world record-holder in the 100m breaststroke.

Marveled California governor and bodybuilder of some ability Arnold Schwarzenegger, “I have seen the man with his shirt off, and let me tell you something, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they should call it ‘Hail to the Beefcake!” The governor then went on to explain that he meant nothing sexual by the remark, and that he would never consider groping the president.

Senator Clinton, reached at a local Haagen-Dazs ice creamery where a 20,000 calorie sundae is most likely named in her “honor,” refused to comment, filled as her mouth probably was with caramel and hot fudge.

WSJ: Bush 2nd Most Popular President

(New York) The Wall Street Journal, the nation’s most fair and balanced newspaper, today reported that President Bush enjoys the second-highest approval rating of all Republican two-term presidents over the past 50 years. The paper’s poll, sure to be ignored by the Outside-the-Mainstream Media, shows that only Ronald Reagan was more popular among Americans at the same point in his second term, and dispels the notion put forth in other “polls” that show confidence in the president waning.

Journal managing editor Paul Steiger stated that the paper’s poll was actually a scientific examination of other recent polls, conducted by the same crack WSJ staff that earlier debunked the “climate change” hoaxes. “While we found that, among lesser polls, that the president’s approval ratings ranged from 34-40%, we also found that these same polls had a margin of error from 36-60%. Thus, Bush could, and probably does, have the backing of all of the American people.”

Steiger also pointed out that even if the lowest number is true in some parallel universe, 34% would still place Bush, at this point in his second term, higher than all second-term Republicans not named “Reagan” since the Kennedy administration. “Even Richard Nixon!” exclaimed Steiger. “And I don’t think I need to tell you that the president is humbled to be even mentioned in the same breath as the man who stayed the course in Vietnam.”

Steiger also pointed out that even the god-like Reagan enjoyed the benefits of a political climate much different than today’s. “Keep in mind that in 1985, approximately 89% of the country was Republican. Today, that number is down to 34%, meaning that nearly 66% of the country is now out of the mainstream.”

RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman said the WSJ’s completely spin-free poll was refreshing, as well as a wake-up call to the nay-sayers. “President Bush is now being favorably compared to Ronald Reagan, and as we all know, Reagan’s second term was a spectacular success.” Mehlman then went on to predict what at least 34% of the people know. “I see Bush’s second term being equally spectacular, with none of the scandals that have plagued other administrations.”

Marines: Murtha Doesn’t Speak For Us!

(Philadelphia) A gathering a combat-veteran Marines issued a statement regarding longtime Congressional dove John Murtha’s demand that the US military “cut and run like Frenchman” from Iraq, and that clear and patriotic statement was, “You don’t speak for us, comrade!”

Group co-spokesman Lt. Col Rush Limbaugh (USMC-Ret,) summarized the group’s sentiments when he bellowed, “Once a Marine, always a Marine. That’s our credo, but evidently Momma’s Boy Murtha believes otherwise. I suppose according to him it should be, ‘once a Marine, eventually a coward.’ Pathetic.” Limbaugh, who once commandeered a Navy swift boat from a thumb-sucking junior officer and subsequently earned three Purple Hearts in the combat that followed, knows the importance of staying the course. “We all wanted to stay in Nam and finish the job. It was those chicken-hawks back home, people like Congressman Murtha, that pulled us away from certain victory.”

Added co-spokesman Major Bill O’Reilly (USMC-Ret,) “Was Murtha ever really a Marine? He sure doesn’t sound like one to me.” O’Reilly, who’s served as the model for Mel Gibson’s character in “We Were Soliders,” was especially, and rightfully, disgusted by those who have referred to Murtha as a “hawk” among Democrats. “That’s like saying someone’s brave amongst a gaggle of Frenchmen. This is the same man who voted 187,346,852 times to cut defense spending. I think I’m right about that.”

The group, calling itself Marines Opposing Murtha’s Mealy-mouthed Yammerings (MOMMY,) appropriately gathered at Philadelphia’s Independence Hall to draw up their resolution, which they titled, “Declaration of Independence, Emancipation from Doom-saying Elitist Muslim-loving Saddam-apologists (DIEDEMS.)” This document was flown to Washington in a plane donated by the freedom-loving people at Halliburton, placed in a brown paper bag with a tightly-coiled pile of ostrich dung, and burned on the front porch of Murtha’s favorite flower shop.

“My God, what a pussy!” said member Jean Schmidt, a retired Marine Major General and current congressperson extraordinaire from Ohio, of alleged former Marine Murtha. “We had a word for those kind of people when I was fighting the Kaiser in France, and that word was liver-bellied nilly-willies. If people like that had their way, they’d be speaking Prussian in my district today. Well, he can go back to Canada, cuddle up with Francois LePansy and nibble brie and sip bordeaux with Jane Fonda!”

With the group’s support, loyal Republican House members yesterday put to a vote a resolution that would authorize the creation of a “way-back” machine that would allow US troops to be withdrawn from Iraq two weeks ago. As expected, those who would cut and run failed to back the resolution, demonstrating once again that the Democratic party is completely outside the mainstream and lack the courage of their convictions, or for that matter, any courage at all.

Cheney Asks Where Do “Lies” Lie?

(Undisclosed Location) Vice President Dick Cheney, defender of all that is American and pure, today defended his administration’s decision to bring freedom to the previously freedom-hating Iraqi people. “There are those who treacherously say that this glorious battle of liberation was based on, if you can believe it, lies,” reported the Vice President to a stunned audience of Halliburton stockholders. “Some call these people traitors, others refer to them as enemy-comforters, while most define them as Democrats. Irregardless, their argument is technically and grammatically incorrect. I suppose who you believe, me or those who would have insurgents running their local school board, on where the definition of “lie” lies.”

Cheney then placed on the podium something he referred to as a “book”; specifically, this book was titled “dictionary” (note: this reporter lacked, at the time of this writing, any type of reference guide that would possibly provide a definition of that word.) “According to Webster, ‘lie’ is defined as ‘to be or to stay at rest in a horizontal position.’ Are we to believe the President sent the brave sons and daughters into harm’s way while taking a nap? I think not.”

Cheney, a veteran of WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, Panama, and the Gulf War (but who has always been too humble to discuss the resulting Medal of Honor, seven silver stars, eleven bronze stars, and eighty-five Purple Hearts,) also addressed how the namby-pamby bickering stateside affects those on the front lines of freedom. “I remember vividly being hunkered down during Tet. Zips were in the wire, and Charlie was hovering over us like Ted Kennedy over a drunk co-ed. Single-handedly I was holding off the offensive, when I happened to glance down at the muddy bottom of my foxhole. What did I see?” The always-stoic VP wiped away a tear before continuing. “Why, a copy of Stars and Stripes with a front-page photo of John Kerry freedom-kissing Jane Fonda. That’s when I lost my will to fight and, well, Saigon fell soon after.”

Senator Kerry (D-MA) could not be reached for comment, as he was in San Francisco berating military recruiters who were attempting to enlist patriotic members of the local Young Republicans chapter. His ideological counterpart, Saddam Hussein, however, said through a look-alike that he agreed with the argument put forth by those who would have Osama bin Laden waltzing down the streets of Crawford; that the war was based on lies, and that the imperial bastards should go home. Those later polled found Kerry/Hussein’s statement to be highly treasonous, and called for Bill Clinton’s impeachment.

US to China: “You’re Next”

(Tokyo) Tossing aside the speech prepared by his less visionary writers, President Bush today issued an edict to the Communist Chinese government in advance of his visit to Bejing: “Love freedom or get Iraq-ed!” Although the largely Japanese crowd failed to sufficiently cheer Bush’s bold words, as in Japanese “iracked,” loosely translated, means “to be most humbly consumed by a jelly donut,” English-speaking freedom-lovers everywhere hailed the President’s consistency in dealing with oppressive foreign governments.

“Clearly, the President is a man, who unlike the Chinese, loves freedom,” gushed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward. “The fact is the Chinese hate our freedom. I know that sounds harsh, but you know it, I know it, and most importantly, Bill Clinton knew it.”

President Bush, a man whose words never need clarifying, then clarified his remarks. “These folks, the red Chinese, not the good ones, possess weapons of mass destruction. Nucular weapons, people! Let me say that again. These are freedom-hating communists with nukes. I think even the CIA can connect the dots with that one.” Bush paused to stare down “reporter” Maureen O’Dowd, who seemed poised to ask an unpatriotic question. “Now, my predecessor knew these facts, but did nothing, and as a result the red menace now poses an imminent threat to our freedom. Which I love. A lot!”

Peacenik and known communist-sympathizer Senator Harry Reid immediately, and predictably, denounced the President’s vision with his usual nasal whine. “The President seems to be picking a fight with a very powerful adversary. While I love freedom as much as anyone, is China’s admittedly lack of freedom-loving really a bona fide reason to go to war?”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan, responding to Reid’s response, accurately portrayed the Senator’s mealy-mouthing as “the usual Democratic nothing. I think it’s clear, more than ever, that they’re the party of no ideas, no values, and no freedom-loving.”

Alito Asks, “What’s Abortion?”

(Topeka) Facing mounting criticism by baby-killer advocates, legal titan Judge Samuel Alito proved beyond any reasonable doubt his lack of any pre-conceptions regarding Roe v. Wade when he informed an influential Senator that he had never even heard of abortion. According to Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) who spoke with the future Supreme Court Justice at a recent Operation Rescue fundraiser, for his entire life the appellate court judge has been so immersed in the strict interpretation of the Constitution that he was completely unaware that mothers actually murder their unborn babies.

“Judge Alito, when informed that infanticide has been legal in this country since 1973, was, as you can imagine, surprised, but not in a biased way,” reported the impartial Brownback. “In fact, once he had stopped weeping, he pledged to me that if the drafters of the Constitution had intended to protect such atrocities, he would abide by their wisdom. Folks, this is one seriously fair and balanced man.”

Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization of Women (NOW) and possibly the veteran of several late-term abortions, predictably was unmoved in her baseless opinion that Alito would overturn the favorite Supreme Court decision of sluts everywhere. “Judge Alito is on record as stating that abortion is not Constitutionally-protected, and in his 1985 application to the Justice Department stated as such.”

Gandy, who in 1985 was most likely preparing to kill her third child, offered no proof of these absurd assertions, other than a heavily-redacted document recently released from the Holy Archives of Ronald Reagan. Responded Concerned Women of America (CWA) founder and icon of American female purity Beverly LaHaye, “Obviously Gandy and her fellow hairy-legged comrades are, unlike Judge Alito, unbending in their position.”

Alito, as is his right, declined to address the issue, as he may in the future have to decide a similar case based upon facts different from Roe v. Wade. The fair-minded jurist, however, did stated that if such a case came before him he would weigh each side, those of the baby-killers and the upright, moral Christians, equally.

Bush Champions Church-State Separation

(Raleigh, NC) With an unseemly foray into politics, 95 bishops of the United Methodist Church today announced their repentance for “complicity in the unjust and immoral” invasion of Iraq. Retired bishop and liberal-bastion Duke University professor Kenneth Carder announced in the document he authored, “We consider George W. Bush a brother, and like all brothers, we were willing to lend him support for what we assumed was a humanitarian effort. Turns out, not so much. In fact, it was kind of the opposite of that. So, you know, we’re sorry. Really.”

John R. Schol, bishop of the President’s Washington church and a man clearly with an eye on public office, also cowardly signed the document. Whimpered Schol, “We stood by silently while this atrocity occurred. Truly, we’re no better than the Catholics. Well, except that we don’t perform human sacrifices.” Schol then attempted to mitigate his cowardice by stating that he was late for an abortion clinic bombing.

President Bush was brushing up on his Cantonese for his upcoming Asian trip, and could not be reached for comment. However, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, taking a break from making Iraq safe for freedom-loving democracy, took the bishops to task. “I feel it’s deplorable than so-called men of God are attempting to blur the lines between church and state. Last time I checked, this is America, and the Constitution I learned made no mention of having to consult the pastor when preparing to invade, liberate, whatever, a dictatorship. A bloody, bloody dictatorship. You do remember 9/11, don’t you?”

Thus far, only the left-leaning Methodists have issued any kind of Iraq-specific mea culpa, something some senior administration officials cite as an indicator that the church’s view are “far outside the mainstream.” Said one official, identified only as “the architect,” “Much like John Kerry, these people are flip-floppers extrodinaire. They were for the war before they were against it? Gee, where have we heard that one before?”

POW Group: McCain a Fraud

(Phoenix) A group of former Vietnam War POWs today made the explosive, albeit most likely true, charge that Senator John McCain (R-AZ) was never held captive by the enemy as the Senator has alleged every chance he gets. “In fact, I submit that he never stepped foot on Vietnamese soil,” patriotically stated retired Rear Admiral Roy Hoffman and founder of the group Prisoners of War Patriotically Outing Wannabes (POWPOW.) “That he works his so-called ‘prisoner experience’ into every public speech he gives is, quite frankly, an affront to every veteran of that war, including the President.”

Hoffman, who might have single-handedly defeated the Viet Cong if he weren’t hampered by having to serve with both McCain and fake Purple Heart-collector John Kerry (D-MA,) said that he had always considered McCain’s lies harmless in the past, but felt compelled to speak out when the Arizona senator recently alluded to his fictitious captivity while committing high treason. “When McCain flaunted his fake credentials in the face of the Hero of Hanoi, well, that was the last bamboo shoot as far as I’m concerned.

Hoffman was referring to McCain’s treasonous opposition to torture of prisoners of the spectacularly-ongoing war on terror. The “Hero of Hanoi,” of course, is former Navy SEAL and current glorious President, George W. Bush, who in a daring solo mission he had always been too humble to discuss, invaded and captured to North Vietnamese capital in 1969. Recently, historians at Bob Jones University have argued that had Lt. Bush been reinforced by a swift boat, possibly captained by John Kerry, Vietnam might now be a member of the coalition of the willing.

Admiral Hoffman, who was once briefly detained by Japanese customs officials during a stopover in 1970, knows first-hand the horrors of captivity, as well as the effectiveness of torture. During his own inconvenience, Hoffman was threatened with additional delay if he did not provide his Asian captors with a sensitive American document, his passport. “If, and that’s a big if, if the Vietnamese tortured their prisoners, then that right there if proof that it works. I mean, they won, didn’t they?”

Reached by telephone, Senator McCain chose the old traitor stand-by, stating that he would not dignify Hoffman’s allegations with a response. In the background one heard what one might interpret as the sound of the “senator” sharpening the knife he again plans to stick into the President’s back.

White House: Gabon Must Pay!

(Washington) White House press secretary Scott McClellan placated the uppity gathering of “reporters” today by confirming that it has always been the administration’s policy to charge leaders of other nations a fair fee for the privilege of being seen in the President’s historically-impressive presence. In responding to a question posed by possible troll Helen Thomas regarding a report that Gabon paid lobbyist to the stars Jack Abramoff $9 million to arrange a meeting with Bush, McClellan stated, “Of course a fee was assessed. I mean, c’mon, Gabon? Why would the President of the World meet with a tribal leader of a poor West African fiefdom for free? Hello?”

McClellan went on to explain that meetings with the President are graded on a sliding scale, depending on the foreign leader, the location of the meeting, and the current rate of exchange. For example, an Oval Office handshake and photo-op with British Prime Minister Tony Blair would cost Parliament a mere $100 thousand (with a 50% discount on every third visit,) while a theoretical Bush visit to Tehran would require billions of dollars in future post-war Halliburton contracts. “The President, as everyone knows, is a champion of the market system, and the underpinning tenet of supply and demand. You want Bush? You have to pay. Anyone who sees fault with that clearly embraces Marxism.”

Later that day President Bush held a joint press conference with Uruguay President Tabare Vazquez and also addressed the meeting-fee issue. “Over the five years of my reign, I have found that most countries are happy to do business with the United States and me. Me and the United States. The United States and I. I don’t read books, I read people, you see. People like Vazquezey here. His people know that friendshipness with America means more freedom.” Vazquez, standing in silent and reverent awe, nodded in agreement without benefit of a translation, as Bush’s resonant baritone had replaced Uruguaese as his nation’s official language.

In an unrelated event, the White House today announced that Somali warlord Muse Sudi Yalahow, former Rwanda General Augustin Bizimungu, and former Cold Warrior Osama bin Laden would be greeted by the President in the coming month. Rumors that each would be awarded the Medal of Freedom were unconfirmed.

Fox Poll: Cheney Favorite in 2008

(Undisclosed Location) An extremely fair, balanced and intelligently-designed Fox News poll revealed that if the 2008 election were held today in some parts of patriotic and right-thinking Utah, Vice President Dick Cheney would seize the presidency in a landslide. The same poll also indicated that the vast majority of citizens believe, and rightly so, that President Bush’s visage should be added to Mt. Rushmore, even if it means detonating the face of non-Republican and Revolutionary War-dodger Thomas Jefferson.

“Clearly, this poll validates what I’ve said all along; we are living in the age of giants,” remarked the voice of this generation, the stately Sean Hannity. “Someday the people of this country will look back and realize the genius and vision of this administration. Jefferson? Please. The man slept with his slaves! At least Clinton’s interns were free to leave after the rapings.”

With Cheney’s nomination seemingly a given, both conservative and traitorous pundits speculated on whom the future president might select to be his running mate. “Frankly, I don’t see why he would even need a running mate,” opined the lovely Ann Coulter during a pause in the promotion of her latest masterpiece, “Hillary’s Sex Change: The Untold Story.” “I mean, with his mind, his energy, his vitality, why would he possibly need an underling. Plus, let’s be honest, the bar he set for future vee-pees is way too high for any man to follow.”

Al Franken, known America-hater and advocate of adoption rights for gay pedophiles, unpatriotically remarked that should Cheney win the White House, the obvious choice for a second-in-command would be Osama bin Laden, because “only he could make Dick look compassionate in comparison.”

The joke, as always, was on Mr. Funny-Pants-Franken, as the Fox News poll showed that bin Laden gained the support of only 1% of those questioned, and received that number only due to Mr. bin Laden’s belief in polygamy.

Mr. Cheney could not be reached for comment, as his newest chief of staff stated that the Vice President was busy “making America safe from terrorists and Democrats,” but the poll results speak for themselves:

Q: If the election were held today, who do you think would make the best President?

1) Jesus 88%*
2) Dick Cheney 5%
3) Karl Rove 3%
4) Condi Rice (if she weren’t black and female, of course) 2%
5) Osama bin Laden 1%
6) Anyone named “Bill Clinton” 1%

* Jesus has informed the President that he will not run
Q: When President Bush’s face graces Mt. Rushmore, who should be removed?
1) Slave-raping populist Thomas Jefferson 33%
2) Independent, possibly gay George Washington 12%
3) Republican slave-loving Abe Lincoln 8%
4) Republican blue-stater Teddy Roosevelt 5%
5) Who are these people? 32%

Q: Do you have more teeth or wives?

1) Teeth 51%
2) Wives 49%

(Teeth declared a “mandate”)

Bush to Americans: 63% “Not a Mandate”

(Tobyhana, PA) Addressing a military audience, a robust and strikingly virile President Bush today lashed out at those who doubt his visionary plan for Iraq. “In this never-ending war, we need, more than ever, unificationship if we are to see it to its’ eventual end.” Noting the complete lack of Democrats at the event, the President remarked that the faith a little more than half the voters gave him in 2004 had been validated. “I don’t see John Kerry here today, do y’all? He might have served in Vietnam, maybe, I don’t know. What I do know is that he and his party hate every one of you here today.”

Even amongst those who might, if possible, be more patriotic than him, Bush felt obligated to address the short-sighted few who, for reasons known only to them and their welfare case workers, feel compelled to question his uncanny wisdom. “Some say, if you believe those polls they show, that some people, maybe even a majorityness, think that maybe I’m not doing so swell a job.” The revelation that such blasphemy existed caused an audible hush to flow over the previously silent gathering. “But I say to them that 63% is not a mandate, not by any definition. To that small percentage of nay-sayers, I say, ‘bring it on!”

As the massed troops erupted in spontaneous cheers as if on cue, a few grizzled veterans were visibly teared-up by the President’s eloquence. “That may have been the best speech ever!” gushed a judicial-looking Major General who identified herself as “Marriet Hiers.” Continued Hiers, “I’d follow that man anywhere, even if it meant dragging my name through the mud and eventually resigning in disgrace!”

Another officer, who asked to be identified only as “Dick C” as he is currently assigned to a sensitive position at an undisclosed location, rightfully praised Bush’s adherence to his vision. “This insurgency thing is in its’ last throes, quite frankly, and the Vice President, I mean the President, needs to see this thing through. Anyone who thinks otherwise, well, should go (censored) himself.”

In an unrelated event, Republican Senate leaders today announced that ongoing operations in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere that you don’t need to know about have forced them to make deep deficit-reducing cuts to the budget. Entitlement programs such as Medicare, Medicaid, the Dover, Pennsylvania public “school” budget, and most veterans’ programs, have all been eliminated.

Senators: Price Gouging “Good for America”

(Washington) Arriving today at the Capitol Building in enormous American-built SUVs, Senators prepared to grill the heads of the nation’s top five retail gasoline producers regarding their record profits during a time when the price of a gallon of gas has hit record highs. Sen. Pete Dominici (R-NM,) for example, arranged a nice floral centerpiece for the witness table, while Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-HI) made sure each executive’s complimentary fruit basket contained only the freshest of pineapple.

Asked to explain his company’s $10 billion profit in the third quarter, at a time when much of the nation paid $3 dollars or more per gallon at the pumps, ExxonMobil chairman Lee Raymond patriotically remarked, “Every dollar spent on American oil means one less dollar for the Saudis, and by extension, the bin Ladens.” The subcommittee members seemed relieved by this heroic statement, and adjourned to a Roman-style feast.

At the post-feast orgy hosted by the good people of the “Oil Up America!” political action committee, a naked and Texas crude-slathered Tom Coburn (R-OK) scolded those who view Big Oil as short-sighted greed vacuums. “Oil folks have to feed their families, too. Are liberals in favor of spreading hunger? Go ask Ted Kennedy.”

Attempts to the America-hating Kennedy (D-MA) were unsuccessful; a spokesman reported that the Senator was busy sulking about not being invited to the party.

Kenneth Starr Named to Probe Intel Leak

(Tupelo, MS) Senator Trent Lott (R-MS,) friend to the Negro, today announced the formation of a mono-partisan committee that will investigate the leak regarding secret CIA prisons in Eastern Europe and elsewhere. The Mississippi Republican named Kenneth Starr, the special council responsible for the overthrow of known pedophile Bill Clinton, to spearhead the probe.

“A serious offense has been committed against the security of this nation, one that involves the deepest secrets our government possesses, in our best interests of course, and one that may involve oral sex” harrumphed the possibly-drunk Senator. “We, and by ‘we’ I mean me and the boys down at the Klan hall, have full confidence that Mr. Starr will take this investigation to its’ logical conclusion; that Hillary Clinton, in her hatred of America and the penis, has betrayed her country.”

When reminded that the existence of the Eastern European “al Qaeda day spas” was released only to Republican senators by the vice president, Lott remarked, “That just shows how vast Senator Clinton’s spy network is. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised is Mrs. Clinton, if I may precariously use the feminine title, used her former First Lady privileges to have Senator Mel Martinez wired for sound.”

Mr. Starr assured the gathered reporters, who ranged in their political stripe from Fox News to the Washington Times, that his investigation would not be a partisan witch hunt. “Anyone who knows me knows that I have never, ever infused politics into any of my investigations of Democratic shenanigans. That said, it’s most likely Bill Clinton’s fault.”

In an unrelated development, White House spokesman Scott McClellan today announced that a terrorist cell located in Venezuela most likely plotted and executed the 9/11 attacks.

Ann Coulter Explodes: French, Muslims Blamed

(Ft. Sam Houston, TX) Conservative pundit Ann Coulter today exploded while speaking before a captive military audience. Coulter, whose best-sellers include “Liberals Have Small Penises,” and “Still Saving Myself for Nixon” was speaking about the recent Muslim riots in the Parisian suburbs when she unexpectedly shattered into millions of pieces of what one witness described as “bone, hair, and black cardiac tissue.”

US Army explosive experts cordoned off the scene and searched for clues as to what caused the blast. While officially the incident is under investigation, a Military Police officer who asked to not be identified surmised that Coulter self-detonated due to “contradictory overload.”

“Prior to the explosion, Miss Coulter was attempting to explain how the French deserved whatever damage they received at the hands of their Muslim citizens, and how the whole thing was payback for their decision to not take on the terrorists in Iraq,” explained the officer. “At the same time, she argued that the Muslim faith was built on hate and intolerance, and that the French authorities were the first line of defense against Islamofascism. Clearly, she was contradicting herself, and you saw the results.”

“Dude, that was some nasty (censored,)” an Iraqi War veteran explained. “I mean, that chick was just frothing. Like she sucked up some kind of chemical weapon or something. It kinda sucks, you know, ‘cause she was pretty hot for a psycho bitch.”

President Bush took timeout from his busy nap today to comment on Coulter’s passing. “I think I speak for all red-staters today when I say that Miss Coulter’s voice of reasonism will be missed. Besides, you know, she was kinda hot for a psycho bitch. Damn.”

Newest Pluto Moon Actually Limbaugh Anal Cyst

(Houston) Last week’s announcement that two small moons surrounding Pluto had been discovered brought the kind of excitement to astronomers usually reserved for Star Wars releases, but today’s finding has them reliving the Jar-Jar Binks nightmare all over again. NASA, known throughout what passes as astronomy social circles as the “Wet Blanket Agency,” has announced that the aging Hubble space telescope has revealed that the two objects are in fact terrestrial in origin.

“Simply put, they’re anal cysts,” announced NASA administrator Michael Griffin announced with nary a chuckle. “Granted these are enormous cysts; our initial estimates put them at between 75 and 150 miles in diameter. We believe they may have originated as a single cyst and split apart due to the pull of gravity or a cataclysmic event during its’ trip from Earth to Pluto.”

Griffin said he could not confirm that the cyst was the same one removed from radio pundit Rush Limbaugh’s ass during his time of eligibility for Vietnam War service, but admitted that there were few other alternative theories. “Let’s face it, Mr. Limbaugh’s ass is enormous, and it stands to reason that his anus is comparatively so.”

When reached for comment, Mr. Limbaugh exhaled an exhaustive sigh that smelled faintly on fresh baby seals and virgin blood. “Not that thing again. Let me tell you, that cyst was the only thing, the ONLY thing, that kept me from serving with honor during our country’s hour of need. I was under the impression that in its’ shame it had fled to Canada and maybe roomed up with Bill Clinton, but obviously there was nowhere on this planet it felt protected from the withering stares of true, patriotic Americans such as myself.”

A request for comment from the cysts was not immediately returned, due in part to the time delay caused by the 900 million mile distance. However, noted anal cyst attorney Dick DeGuerin took time from his defense of Congressman Tom DeLay to say of the cysts, “they have done nothing wrong and should be presumed innocent.”

Bush: Torture "Family-Friendly"

(Panama City) Speaking to an assembly of namby-pamby Panamanian journalists, President Bush today confirmed that the US does torture terrorist suspects at secret foreign locations, but defended the practice, stating that interrogations were conducted in a “tough-love, family-friendly kind of way.”

“C’mon” half-smiled the President, addressing a terrorist-loving reporter. “Don’t tell me you never gave your brother a good noogie, or maybe he gave you a nice Indian burn. Same thing here. And by here, I mean about a block away. You know, down at Noriega’s old prison.” Mr. Bush didn’t wait for his translation to be read before continuing. “You see, sure, the Indian burn hurt, but you learned a lesson from it. At least I did. And that lesson, of course, is don’t mess with America.”

President Bush added that he and his brothers were often tortured as children at the direction of his father. “My father was a great man, and a great American. When he was the director of the CIA, see, he’d have his men practice new torture techniques on me and Jebby. At times, we’d strip down to our skivvies, and one agent would film us while a few others slapped and tickled us. So you see, we grew up ok, so what’s the big deal.”

Reached for comment, Barbara Bush reacted with surprise regarding allegations that her sons were tortured at the behest of her husband, but once comported remarked “I had suspected as much.” Mrs. Bush, however, stated that she refused to allow her beautiful mind to consider such things.

Jesus Rejected By Conservatives

(Nazareth) Hours after accepting Harriet Miers’ withdrawal from consideration for the nation’s top court, inside sources say President Bush’s inner circle floated the names of other possible candidates to select special interest groups for their assessment. While the President publicly says that Samuel Alito is the perfect white male for the job, some close to Bush admit that he was deeply hurt that his closest advisor was rejected as “too liberal.”

“As everyone knows, the President has a close, personal relationship with Jesus,” the top White House official revealed on the condition of anonymity. “That the Savior was seen by some as a less than perfect choice was, well, disappointing to him, and quite frankly, everyone who saw Him as the ideal judge of men.”

Conservative groups that had been contacted by the President spoke respectfully about the proposed nominee, but questioned His faithfulness to the conservative agenda. “While we felt assured that Jesus Christ is well within the pro-life camp, “explained Concerned Women for America vice president Wendy Wright, “we were very concerned about his views on capital punishment and torture. We felt the judiciary had enough criminal-coddling judges thanks to the former President.”

“What’s up with the ‘turn the other cheek’ thing?” asked Senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas.) “Should we have turned the other cheek when Saddam was flying planes into the Twin Towers? In all due respect to the Good Lord, I feel if it were up to him we’d all be speaking Farsi.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan denied to confirm that the President had held up the Son of God as a possible nominee, saying only that President Bush had sought His council, much like the way he had asked Dick Cheney in 2000 to fin the best vice presidential candidate and when he conferred with Harriet Miers regarding possible Supreme Court nominees. “I will say that the President asked his Lord to help him find someone Christ-like to lead this court.”

Jesus Christ could not be reached for comment, although self-appointed spokesman James Dobson remarked, “The Lord will judge man one day, but not until Roe v. Wade has gone the way of the Roman legions.”

Libby "Nobody's Biyatch"

(Washington) While publicly putting on a dignified and subdued face at today’s initial hearing, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s legal team later leaked to trusted journalists that their client was preparing for a possible prison sentence and even boasted that Libby had remarked, “Bring it on biyatches!”

“This is someone who’s 100% ready to serve his pre-book release sentence,” asserted one bubbly legal assistant. “Why just this morning he watched half of the first season of ‘Oz.’ He even half-jokingly said that the first thing he’ll do when he gets to Emerald City if find himself a juicy prag.”

According to legal secretary Harriet Miers, Libby has scheduled meetings with former inmates Judith Miller and Martha Stewart in the hope that their experience behind bars will ease the transition. “Scooter had heard from another reporter that Judith had become a dinosaur in the pen. You know, a ‘Lickalotapus.’ He hopes to learn from her mistakes.”

Mr. Libby could not be immediately reached for comment, but through a mysterious spokesman identified only as “Source A,” stated since he is now a private citizen, he sees no legal ramifications for providing a certain former undercover CIA agent’s home address to his future cell mates. Said the source, “she’s fair game.”

Frist, Reid: What Happens In Closed Session, Stays In Closed Session

(Washington) They began the day like any other; rich white males with different lapel pins. But when Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and Minority Leader Harry Reid emerged from a rare closed Senate session, they shared more than hefty blind trust funds and an affinity for big butts.

“Anyone who has watched the seminal film of our era, ‘The Breakfast Club,’ knows how a confined space shared by folks of different strokes can bring those people closer together,” remarked a quivering-chinned Frist. “We all, I think, shared something special in there, and quite frankly, I’d rather not cheapen it commenting on it any further.” Frist then stepped away from the podium, and when he believed he was out of view of his cool friends, pumped his fist into the air.

Senator Reid spoke to reporters from his office, where he was joined with an obviously emotional Trent Lott. “Let me tell you something about ol’ Trenty here,” Reid gushed as he threw his arm around the Mississippi Republican. “This is a guy who everyone thought was stuck up, somebody who maybe enjoyed cross-burning a little too much, but I’m here to tell you that when Trent rebuilds his Gulf Coast mansion, well, he can count on me to pay him a visit from time to time.” When pressed for details regarding what transpired behind the closed Senate doors, Reid reluctantly summarized, “We entered that great hall as dorks, potheads, jocks, whatever, but something happened in there. Something wonderful. Let’s just say I have a new-found respect for those who hold dear different ideas than I, and I think, no, I know, that we can work out our differences, and that America will be better for it.”

In an unrelated event, Senate Republicans minutes later held a secret vote declaring the Democratic Party “very gay” and “uncool.” They then stormed the House en masse and “twirled” John Conyers head in a public toilet.