“Y2K6” TERROR PLOT FOILED

Bush Cites NSA, Rendition For Saving American Lives

Note: Unlike other, less patriotic media sources, Spurious George does not irresponsibly disclose any sensitive information vital to national security and which might give aid and comfort to the enemy. All facts contained in this story were provided an approved by the appropriate federal government agencies.

(Unspecified Location) “If you wake up tomorrow morning without being blown to smithereens, you could, and I might point out, should thank President Bush,” properly announced Vice President Dick Cheney during a hastily-arranged news conference from one of his many privately-funded hardened bunkers. “Had it not been for his clear vision and leadership, and his steadfast determination to stand up to those who would cut and run, it is doubtful that any of us would be alive to celebrate the New Year.”

While Cheney could have been describing any of the number of times the president has saved this great nation from those who would do us harm, he was in this instance alluding to the administration’s brilliant thwarting of al Qaeda’s planned “Y2K6” attacks, a series of cowardly blasts against soft targets throughout the US that was scheduled to be executed at midnight tonight.

“Had Y2K6 gone off as scheduled, everyone would forget all about 9/11, and how that day changed everything,” astutely remarked the vice president. “Even President Bush, who has never forgotten 9/11, might have forgotten 9/11. And I can not stress enough that he has never forgotten 9/11. 9/11 has not been forgotten. Nor has he forgotten how 9/11 changed everything. On 9/11.”

Correctly citing national security concerns, government officials would not, unlike the New York Times, reveal how the insipid plot was discovered. However, it is widely accepted that the masterful and well-oiled anti-terrorism intelligence system conceived by Bush in the days after 9/11 saved the day. While some less-patriotic critics have recently whined about the system’s supposed violations of so-called “civil rights,” Department of Justice officials correctly point out that subjective civil rights would be of little use to cities littered with the scorched corpses of millions.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales reported that hundreds of al Qaeda operatives living inside the United States were rounded up with hours of the plot’s discovery, and were subsequently and legally transported to Uzbekistan, where intelligence officials in that country will use their effective interrogation methods to learn more about the dastardly scheme. Said Gonzales, “While we can not identify the suspects, or discuss the evidence against them, or indicate how that evidence was obtained, or who obtained the evidence, or even if such so-called evidence exists, we can say with confidence that America is safer because these evil-doers no longer lurk among us. If they ever existed, that is. This conversation never happened.”

Despite the heroic efforts on the part of our benevolent government, Homeland Security officials today took the logical step of elevating the nation’s threat level to “infa-red.” Explained Michael Chertoff during a break in his tireless efforts to raise New Orleans from the rubble, “This nation is always at risk, and danger doesn’t take off for federal holidays. Americans should always be on alert and, quite frankly, afraid.” Chertoff also wished all Americans a Happy New Year, but advised that they do so with one eye open at all times.

RED CROSS BLAMED FOR KATRINA DEBACLE

FEMA’s Name Besmirched by Secular Organization

(Sacramento) Recently, the International Red Cross and International Red Crescent announced the approval of a third banner, the Red Crystal. After the latest disgrace to befall the so-called relief organization, however, a fourth, more-appropriate symbol, the Red Dollar-Sign, may not be far behind.

In a news conference today, the US Attorneys’ Sacramento and New Orleans offices announced that 19 Red Cross workers assigned to alleviate the unforeseeable Hurricane Katrina disaster in fact stole $200 thousand dollars from a fund designated for relief efforts. Attorneys from both offices charge that the criminal loss of funds, and not any alleged FEMA incompetence, directly caused every death attributed to the much-exaggerated storm.

“Were it not for the greed of a few, so many would not have suffered,” correctly surmised Assistant US Attorney Stanley Boone. “And while we can not bring back those who perished due to the Red Cross’ criminal actions, we can finally clear the good name of the federal government.”

Boone was referring to FEMA, the heroic agency once headed by the very-able Michael Brown, which was unfairly blamed for the Red Cross’ shortcomings in the days following Katrina’s completely unexpected landfall near “America’s Sodom,” New Orleans. “While $200 thousand dollars may not seem like a lot of money to the average American taxpayer, it would have surely covered the costs of re-enforcing the levee system, constructed on the cheap by the Clinton administration, that was designed to keep black folks from drowning,” accurately reported FEMA (acting) director R. David Paulison. Paulison went on to decry the Red Cross for unfairly staining the name of his competent predecessor, and expressed his sincerest patriotic hope that Americans would finally stop questioning the judgment of their government.

President Bush interrupted his rare Crawford vacation to comment on the developing story of institutional Red Cross corruption. “Once again, my vision to ebnableate faith-based initiativeness has been redeemed. You see, Christians don’t steal. That is to say, it’s against Christianity. And I believe in that.” Bush advised reporters that he would not pass judgment on those accused in an ongoing investigation, but accurately concluded that those accused were “probably guilty.”

2005: THE FREEDOM-LOVING YEAR IN REVIEW

Part Four: SG Celebrates Victory in the War on Christmas

Editor’s Note: In this final installment of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at October, November, and December, when the weather outside was frightful, but freedom was so delightful.

October 1: A bomb explodes outside of the University of Oklahoma’s football stadium, killing one. The brutal killer later admits he was too chicken to try that shit in Texas.

October 2: Astronomers who recently discovered a 10th planet-sized body in our solar system (“Planet Bush”) announce they have discovered the planet has a moon. Pending certain approval, the satellite is named “Condoleezza.”

October 3: Humble servant of the people Tom DeLay is indicted by an activist grand jury regarding one allegedly unpaid parking ticket, issued while DeLay stopped his hybrid vehicle in order to safely escort a row of ducklings across a busy Waco street.

October 5: The US Senate cowardly votes 90-9 to ban the use of torture by brave military personnel, thus tying the hands of those on the front lines in the War on Terror©.

October 6: NYC police increase their presence in the city’s subway system following a dubious threat of a terrorist attack. Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) later confesses she phoned in the faux threat after getting high with Rep. John Murtha (D-PA.)

October 7: The UN Atomic Energy Agency is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for their so-called effective efforts to limit the spread of nuclear energy. Iran responds by announcing it is donating ten suitcase-nukes to al Qaeda.

October 9: Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY,) on bail from her bomb threat call, is inducted into the Women’s Hall of Fame. Clinton is later ejected from the hall when it is discovered she is in fact a gay black man.

October 17: In Iraq, 70 insurgents, despite being cleverly disguised as innocent bystanders, are killed by US forces. The victory is accurately described by Vice President Cheney as “that last of the last throes.”

October 18: A credible terrorist threat (not called in by Hilary Clinton) necessitates the closure of Baltimore’s harbor tunnels, proving yet again that killers lurk among us.

October 19: The trial of former brutal dictator Saddam Hussein begins. His inevitable conviction and execution validates the sound and brave decision to bring freedom to the Iraqi people.

October 24: Trouble-maker Rosa Parks finally gives up her seat on the bus. On her deathbed, Parks apologizes for all the fuss she caused.

October 25: America mourns the loss of the 2,000th soldier who willingly gave his life in defense of sweet, rejuvenating Iraqi freedom. Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld accurately points out that 128,000 very-much-alive servicemen and women remain in Iraq to carry on the work of their martyred comrades.

October 26: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls for the destruction of Israel. In the same speech, he compares Americans to “fat, lazy pedophiles who worship that loser, Jesus.”

October 27: Legal titan Harriet Miers withdraws her nomination to the US Supreme Court after being denied an “up or down” vote by women-hating Democrats. Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) later drunkenly admits that he opposed her nomination because Miers refused to “show him hers if he showed her his.”

October 28: I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby retires as Vice President Cheney’s chief of staff. Libby is later awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his life-long dedication to ethical and partisan-free politics.

October 31: President Bush nominates Samuel Alito for a seat on the US Supreme Court, thus becoming only the second white Christian male so honored by the president. Alito vows that, if confirmed, he will fight tirelessly to end the persecution of Christians.

November 1: Pathetic Senate Democrats pull lame political stunt, waste the people’s time and money by forcing a closed session in which Republicans are forced to watch Michael Moore’s latest film, I Never Got Laid in High School, So Now I Bash America.

November 2: The Washington Post, convicted killer Stanley “Tookie” Williams’ favorite paper, irresponsibly alleges the existence of “black ops” CIA prisons in Eastern Europe. The patently false slander is exposed when competent UN inspectors discover documents proving a link between Saddam Hussein’s regime and Osama bin Laden.

November 5: Pope Benedict XVI bans homosexual men from entering the priesthood, but allows them to seek political office as members of the Democratic Party. John Kerry (D-MA) finally comes out of the closet.

November 8: In what experts describe as isolated incidents of mass psychosis, voters in Virginia and New Jersey mistakenly elect Democrats over clearly-superior Republican candidates. In a completely unrelated story, all federal funding previously allocated to those states is eliminated due to President Bush’s herculean efforts to reduce government spending.

November 10: The craven US House drops a provision from a bill that would allow oil drilling in the lifeless hell known as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Venezuela responds by jacking the price of crude to $8,645 a barrel.

November 13: Iraqi President Jalal Talabani opines that Iraqi forces could replace British soldiers by the end of 2006. Talabani goes on to correctly surmise that there’s no way the Iraqi Army could ever replace American troops.

November 15: America-hating University of Tennessee students take a respite from raping their siblings long enough to heckle Vice President Cheney during a keynote speech. Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) apologizes for the students’ behavior, and reminds everyone that he in fact attended Princeton and Harvard.

November 16: The US government wins its’ fight to retain supervisory authority over the internet. NSA officials laud the decision as an important step in the war on terror.

November 18: The House of Representatives reject by a vote of 403-3 a measure supported by peacenik John Murtha (D-PA) that would have US forces “cut and run” in Iraq. This vote ultimately ends all debate over President Bush’s visionary War on Terror®.

November 19: In a speech to US troops in South Korea just miles away from their Axis-of-Evil neighbor, President Bush heroically rejects calls for a timetable for withdrawal in Iraq. The inspired 2nd Infantry Division then spontaneously invades North Korea and finds cowardly dictator Kim Jong II in a spider hole.

November 20: President Bush visits China, and through the sheer brilliance of his being, converts the nation to Christianity.

November 22: An outlandishly-forged document leaked to London’s Daily Mirror alleges that Tony Blair dissuaded President Bush from bombing Al Jazeera’s freedom-hating headquarters. The slanderous accusation cannot be confirmed or denied by Al Jazeera officials, as their headquarters inexplicably exploded moments after the report.

November 30: The US military reports that it has been forced to pay Iraqi newspapers to print stories written by military journalists, but only because Iraqi journalists are too busy enjoying their new-found freedom to write their own America-loving reports.

December 3: Pakistan announces its’ forces have killed al Qaeda operational commander Abu Hamza Rabia. War on Terror© once again completely justified.

December 6: Saddam Hussein refuses to attend his trial for crimes against humanity. The ACLU files a suit claiming the former brutal dictator’s accommodations at the Baghdad Waldorf-Astoria lacks acceptable number of loofahs.

December 8: A six-year-old boy is killed when Southwest Airlines flight 1248 skids off a snowy runway at Chicago’s Midway Airport. Captain Ted Kennedy flees the scene, escapes prosecution thanks to family connections.

December 12: Crips founder and brutal killer Stanley “Tookie” Williams is patriotically denied clemency by California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Executed the following day, Williams is laid to rest by his common-law wife and ardent supporter, Hillary Clinton (D-NY.)

December 13: President Bush announces that only 30,000 Iraqis were fortunate enough to willfully sacrifice their lives in defense of their shiny new freedom, but pledges that many more will have the opportunity to do so in the coming war with Iran.

December 14: As a strong believer in personal responsibility, President Bush admits that pre-war intelligence provided by Clinton-appointed CIA officials was faulty, but presents new evidence that proves Iraq possessed WMDs, Hussein’s government gave sanctuary to al Queada, and that freedom isn’t free.

December 15: Purple-stained fingers are all the rage throughout Iraq as freedom-starved citizens there vote in Parliamentary elections. Despite rampant Democrat-like efforts to commit voter fraud, the US-reformed UN declares the election “the third greatest event in the history of humanity” after Christ’s birth and President Bush’s election.

December 16: In an act of treason not seen since the Clinton administration, the New York Times irresponsibly reports that President Bush, in keeping his pledge to defend the American people from attack, ordered the NSA to spy on terrorists that lurk among us. The vast majority of Americans wonder what all the fuss is about.

December 18: In a historic and inspiring address from the Oval Office, President Bush states the obvious when he announces, “We are winning the war in Iraq.” Defeatists, unable to argue with Bush’s unassailable statement of fact, cut and run to Canada.

December 20: Transit workers in New York City begin an illegal strike, a move vocally supported by local terrorist cells. The strike ends days later, thankfully bringing an end to the communist union movement in this country.

December 21: The US Senate, possibly influenced by the powerful solar-power lobby, inexplicably blocks oil drilling in the inaccurately-named Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Untapped crude continues to bubble uncontrolled to the surface, and threatens to spill into baby seal drinking water.

December 25: The War on Christmas is defeated. Patriot and Christian solider Bill O’Reilly’s heroic actions in defense of Jesus is later commemorated on a US postage stamp.

This ends the patriotic four-part series that looked back on 2005 and determined that, despite what the Michael Moore-sect of the Democratic Party would have you believe, America is the greatest nation in the universe.

2005: THE FREEDOM-LOVING YEAR IN REVIEW

Part Three: SG Recaps the Summer of Freedom-Love

Editor’s Note: In this third installment of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at July, August and September, the summer when the tender buds of flirting with freedom blossomed into the fragrant flower of freedom-lust.

July 1: US Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor announces her intended retirement. In her farewell address, she begs President Bush to replace her with a white, Christian male who believes life begins at conception.

July 4: America celebrates 229 years of sweet, juicy freedom, celebrates by destroying a comet. U-S-A! U-S-A!

July 5: The United Church of Christ announces support for same-sex marriages. The Justice Department files a friend-of-the-court motion on behalf of Jesus to have his name removed from the church’s title.

July 6: New York Times reporter/patriot Judith Miller is jailed by an activist partisan judge for her defense of First Amendment rights. Congress passes a bill proclaiming her birthday a national holiday.

July 7: Terrorists detonate four bombs in London, killing 50. The US, with Tony Blair’s knowledge and consent, justifiably responds by bombing al-Jazeera’s Qatar headquarters.

July 9: CIA director Porter Goss announces his agency has an “excellent idea” of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts. Freedom-loving Americans, ever-trusting of the CIA’s abilities, breathe a sigh of relief.

July 10: Hurricane Dennis makes landfall in the Florida panhandle. FEMA Michael Brown does a heck of a job in relief efforts.

July 12: London police arrest four British subjects for the July 7th bombings, proving once again that terrorists lurk among us.

July 12: White House press secretary Scott McClellan takes the high road and refuses to address the salacious rumors that Karl Rove leaked the identity of CIA coffee-maker Valerie Plame.

July 17: Time reporter Matthew Cooper slanderously reports that patriot Karl Rove leaked to him the identity of CIA housekeeper Valerie Plame. NSA intercepts of Cooper’s e-mail later reveal that Cooper hates America.

July 18: General William Westmoreland passes away. Senator Jon Kerry (D-MA) attends the hero’s funeral, and is photographed throwing Purple Hearts at the grave.

July 19: Honoring Sandra Day O’Connor’s wish, President Bush nominates John Roberts as her replacement on the US Supreme Court. Roberts becomes the first white male selected by Bush to sit on the nation’s highest court.

July 24: Lance Armstrong wins his seventh Tour de France, dedicates the victory to his close friend, President Bush.

July 26: The space shuttle Discovery lifts off, once again proving that America kicks ass.

July 27: Interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim Jaafari calls on US troops to be removed “soon.” Jaafari, under no pressure whatsoever from the US, later defines “soon” as “whenever our kind and benevolent guests and partners in the quest for sweet, succulent freedom see fit to sadly depart.”

July 29: Astronomers announce the discovery a large trans-Neptunian object larger than Pluto. The object, described as “brilliant and god-like,” is named “Planet Bush.”

August 2: President Bush endorses the morally-superior truth of intelligent design over the liberal secularist theory of evolution. In his daily conversation with the president, Jesus gives Bush his props.

August 3: Sprint acquires Nextel, NBC merges with DreamWorks, and Adidas synergizes with Reebok. In an unrelated story, the FBI announces they can watch you through your TV, but only with a court order.

August 6: Liberal tool Cindy Sheehan begins her unlawful stalking of President Bush during his rare and well-earned vacation in Crawford, Texas. Sheehan, whose son Casey willingly died bringing sweet, sugar-free freedom to democracy-starved Iraqis, was nevertheless graciously served iced tea daily by members of the Bush clan.

August 7: Former ABC News anchorman Peter Jennings dies. An autopsy determines the cause of death as “liberal mainstream mediaitis.”

August 8: Iran resumes its’ uranium-enrichment program. An Iranian spokesman asks the US, “So, what are you going to do about it?”

August 12: The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter is launched from Cape Canaveral. The US, in a partnership with Sprint-Nextel, NBC-DreamWorks, and Adidas-Reebok, later claims Mars as a free-trade zone.

August 17: The governors of Arizona and New Mexico declare a state of emergency along their borders with Mexico. Cutting-and-running Congressional Democrats call for ceding both states to our southern neighbor.

August 22: Iraq’s parliament receives a draft of it’s constitution, which while not as kick-ass as the real Constitution, is the most freedom-loving document Iraqis have ever seen.

August 23: Christian soldier Pat Robertson rightfully calls for the assassination of America-hating Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Through a spokesman, Jesus gives his OK to the plan.

August 24: American traitor Pat Robertson apologizes for his patriotic call for Chavez’s death. God responds by smiting the 700 Club.

August 27: 1,000 prisoners are released from the Abu Ghraib prison; not one complains of abusive treatment, and in fact most ask to be re-detained.

August 29: Hurricane Katrina makes landfall near New Orleans. FEMA head Michael Brown does a heck of a job, but the Democratic mayor of the city and Democratic senator from Louisiana make a Democratic mess, Democratically leading to hundreds of death.

August 30: Oil reaches $70 per barrel, boosting the US sagging petroleum industry and its’ tax-burdened shareholders.

August 31: 965 Iraqi Muslims are crushed to death during a march to an Islamic shrine (or temple, or whatever those pagans call it.) In an unrelated story, no Christians are reported killed on their way to church.

September 1: The uber-liberal California Senate passes a bill that allows same-sex marriages. Very heterosexual governor Schwarzenegger convinces the in-the-mainstream House to reject the Jesus-hating proposition.

September 2: President Bush tours areas ravaged by the ably-managed Hurricane Katrina. Inspired Gulf Coast citizens urge their brave leader to stay the course in Iraq.

September 3: US Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist moves onto God’s highest court. On his deathbed, Rehnquist receives a solemn promise from President Bush that the jurist’s successor will be a white, Christian male who believes life begins at conception.

September 5: Keeping his promise to a dying man, Bush nominates John Roberts to be the next Chief Justice. In heaven, Rehnquist smiles and wipes away a happy tear.

September 6: First Mother Barbara Bush, visiting temporarily-displaced freedom-loving Americans enjoying Houston’s famous hospitality, honestly remarks that the clean, dry Astrodome is infinitely preferable to the flooded by quickly-rebuilding New Orleans. Grandmother-hating liberals attack her as, if you can believe this, insensitive.

September 8: Rescue officials in Louisiana mistakenly requisition 25,000 body bags. However, thanks to FEMA hero Michael Brown no one dies as a result of the heroically-managed natural disaster, and the superfluous bags are flown to Iraq to be used as windsocks.

September 11: On the anniversary of the most cowardly, barbaric attack on American soil, al Qaeda warns of future attacks on New York and Los Angeles. Still, many Democrats call for a policy of “cut and run” in Iraq. Unbelievable.

September 12: Los Angeles experiences a massive electrical blackout. Republican patriots correctly point out that the disaster could have been avoided by opening the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration.

September 13: Despite your humble journalist Rex Kramer’s presence at the Waldorf-Astoria (danger-seeking has its’ rewards,) he is unable to disrupt the Chinese delegation’s efforts to get a good night’s sleep prior to the 60th anniversary “celebration” of the UN’s founding. That night, Kramer kicked back with Bush and John Bolton at the piano bar and discussed much-needed reform of the corrupt world body.

September 14: Delta and Northwest Airlines file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Excessive union demands and John Kerry are accurately blamed for the industry’s woes.

September 17: Addressing the UN General Assembly, terrorist and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defies calls for his nation to halt its’ nuclear program, calls Tony Blair a “buck-toothed sheep-raper,” and inferred that he has had sexual relations with Barbara Bush.

September 19: Convicted liar Bill Clinton dares to criticize President Bush on issues such as Iraq, Hurricane Katrina and budget deficits. The intern dress-stainer also infers that he has had sexual relations with both of Bush’s daughters, and offers clearly-doctored panties as “proof.”

September 22: John Roberts is confirmed in a mandate as the next Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court. Jesus, as well as unborn children everywhere, rejoice.

September 24: Hurricane Rita makes landfall near the Texas-Louisiana border. Despite the retirement of beloved head Michael Brown, FEMA continues to kick ass.

September 25: Liberal blogs exaggerate the crowd at an America-hating anti-war dope-fest in Washington, DC to be 100,000. Official counts indicate only presidential stalker Cindy Sheehan is in attendance.

September 28: American hero Tom DeLay is indicted for one minor city ordinance violation by a clearly partisan and possibly gay prosecutor. In a show of almost super-human restraint, DeLay promises to not seek “too much “vengeance when he is vindicated.

September 29: American heroine and New York Times double-agent Judith Miller is released from jail following an impassioned plea by good friend and mentor I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Miller pledges eternal devotion and allegiance to Libby, and to the righteous path of Republican conservatism.

September 30: American traitor and closet-lesbian Judith Miller commits perjury when she “testifies” to a grand jury that her benefactor “Scooter” Libby provided her with the name of CIA janitor Valerie Plame. During her testimony, Miller blinks a message that CIA cryptologists later decipher as meaning, “I did what you ordered, Bill Clinton, now please, burn those pictures!”

Coming Soon: In the final installment of the series, Rex Kramer looks back on the final months of 2005, and reminisces warmly about the victory over Christmas-hating secularists.

2005: THE FREEDOM-LOVING YEAR IN REVIEW

Part Deux: SG Takes On Spring In Bushtopia

Editor’s Note: In this second of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at April, May and June, and can’t help but wonder why liberals hate America so much.

April 2: Pope John Paul II passes away. Secular forces take advantage by beginning their evil plans for the War on Christmas.

April 4: Paul Ray Smith is posthumously awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his defense of the Baghdad Airport. President Bush rightfully takes partial credit for Smith’s honor, as it would not have been possible without the president’s righteous war on terror.

April 5: ABC’s Peter Jennings announced he has lung cancer, possibly caused by being a liberal non-American.

April 9: Furiously patriotic Rex Kramer’s birthday. In lieu of gifts, please send donations to the Tom DeLay Defense Fund.

April 15: Tax return due date. Sadly, and despite the president’s best efforts, America’s highest achievers continue to pay a disproportionate amount of taxes to a Clintonesque oversized federal government.

April 19: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger elected pope, takes the name Benedict XVI. Immediately denounces both gay marriage and Ted Kennedy “immoral.”

April 22: Zacharias Moussaoui pleads guilty to terrorism charges. War on Terror completely justified.

April 26: Charles Duelfer, chief US weapons inspector and traitor beyond compare, states that the search for WMDs in Iraq has “gone as far as feasible.” Subsequent NSA intercepts of Duelfer’s e-mails reveal that he’s gay.

April 27: Bowing to ACLU pressure, the US House votes to rescind Republican ethics rules, opening the door for the blatantly-partisan persecution of patriot Tom DeLay.

April 27: Despite Gen. Richard Myers’ accurate proclamation that “we’re definitely winning” in Iraq, a small percentage of leftist “Americans” doubt the wisdom of liberating that country.

May 2: The US State Department issued a report indicating that terrorist attacks increased in 2004. Democrats respond with calls for cutting and running.

May 4: Firefighter Donald Herbert, blind and virtually silent due to a brain injury ten years earlier, recovers unexpectedly. US Supreme Court immediately regrets the Terri Schiavo decision.

May 5: School officials in Topeka begin to debate the weak evidence for so-called theory of evolution. Ultimately, Christian common sense prevails and Kansas becomes the 4th state to endorse the superior concept of intelligent design.

May 9: Iran admits to converting 37 tons of uranium to military use. US intelligence officials rightfully assume the uranium was imported from Niger.

May 11: The White House and Capitol building are evacuated when the credible threat of an incoming aircraft is reported. NSA wiretapping is later credited with foiling the terrorist plot.

May 15: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice visits Iraq, charms insurgents into submission.

May 18: Officials in Tbilisi, Georgia uncover a plot to assassinate President Bush during his visit. Senator John Kerry’s (D-MA) alibi falls apart during his interrogation.

May 20: Mr. and Mrs. Rex Kramer celebrate ten years of marriage between a man and woman, the only kind of union to which Jesus approves.

May 22: First Lady Laura Bush is rudely heckled by Palestinian thugs during a visit to the Wailing Wall. In an unrelated story, Israeli forces, acting entirely on their own, firebomb an Islamic orphanage in the West Bank.

May 24: Seven so-called Republican US Senators negotiate with their Democrat inferiors to avoid the “nuclear option” regarding the elimination of filibusters. Republicans, however, reserve the right to use conventional weapons in future deliberations.

May 31: Liberal rag Vanity Fair identifies traitor and former FBI agent W. Mark Felt as “Deep Throat,” the America-hating source for the Washington Post’s partisan attack on the Nixon presidency.

May 31: Vice President Cheney, in an uncanny assessment of the enemy’s imminent defeat, reports that the insurgency in Iraq is “in the last throes.” Victory parades are held throughout most of America.

June 2: Senator John Kerry calls for an investigation into the forged Downing Street Memo documents. As expected, no one listens.

June 5: A vaccine that prevents the ebola infection in monkeys fails in human trials, thus disproving once and for all evolutionary theory.

June 6: Liberal activist judges in Washington State appoint Democrat Christine Gregoire governor, despite the precedent set forth by the US Supreme Court in Bush v. Gore. That decision held that in the event of a close election, a tie “goes” to the Republican.

June 7: General Motors announces that due to insufficient tax cuts, 25,000 employees are to be downsized. The Pentagon, famous for its’ charity, offers the displaced workers immediate employment with free travel and clothing.

June 13: A California jury, influence by an activist judge, finds pedophile Michael Jackson not guilty on all counts in his child molestation trial. Bill and Hillary Clinton later host his Los Angeles “victory party,” attended en masse by the Hollywood liberal elite.

June 25: Suspected terrorist Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wins the Iranian presidency. In his acceptance speech he calls America “a nation of pussies,” and states that George Bush is “too much of a mamma’s boy” to invade his nuclear-weapon possessing nation.

June 29: The US Capitol Building is evacuated when an aircraft enters restricted airspace. Democratic senators who have been briefed regarding NSA wiretaps credit the agency, and President Bush, for saving the day.

June 30: Caving into partisan hack Patrick Fitzgerald’s threat of eternal frivolous lawsuits, Time magazine releases the notes of reporter Matthew Cooper regarding his source’s lawful exposure of CIA “gofer” Valerie Plame.

Coming Soon: Part 3 of the series, where Spurious George looks at the "Summer of Freedom Loving"

2005: THE FREEDOM-LOVING YEAR IN REVIEW

Spurious George Looks Back On How America Kicked Ass

Editor’s Note: In this first of a four-part series, SG’s own danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer reviews 2005 from a truly patriotic point of view. In today’s entry, Kramer looks at January, February and March, and comes to the inescapable conclusion that democracy rocks.

January 1: US aid to victims of the Indian Ocean tsunamis continues to divert funds earlier earmarked for much-needed tax cuts. To date, Americans have yet to receive so much as a “thank you” card for ungrateful third-worlders.

January 2: The Washington Post irresponsibly reports that the US government is prepared to detain terrorists, without charge, for life. The vast majority of Americans correctly surmise that this is sound policy.

January 6: The attempt of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) to thwart the mandate of the people is defeated, and President George Bush’s glorious re-election is certified by Congress.

January 8: The USS San Francisco runs aground off Guam. In his courts-martial, the nuclear sub’s captain admits that he is a registered Democrat, and thus, hates America.

January 10: In an unmerited show of mercy, CBS News staffers that dared questioned President Bush’ service record are merely terminated instead of executed. It is rumored that Bush himself, citing Christian values, intervenes on the traitors’ behalf.

January 12: US intelligence officials left over from the Clinton administration erroneously report that no WMDs have been found in Iraq.

January 17: Seymour Hersch, writing for the treasonous New Yorker magazine, slanderously alleges that the Bush administration intends to invade Iran. Not only is his column proven to be a partisan-inspired pack of lies, but the invasion of Iran is postponed for approximately one year.

January 20: President Bush takes his place amongst this nation’s greatest leaders, as he is inaugurated for his second term as leader of the free world.

January 25: Republican-controlled Congress happily gives President Bush $80 billion to continue his wildly-successful liberation of Iraq. The $280 billion spent thus far is described as “cheap by any definition.”

January 26: The US Supreme Court, once again legislating from the bench, decides to allow Terri Schiavo to die a gruesome, inhumane death. The bastards.

January 30: Iraq holds their first dictator-free election in 50 years. 44 Iraqis willingly give their lives to the cause of sweet, sweet freedom.

February 2: An investigation conducted by US military intelligence officials rightly determine that no systematic abuse of detainees at Guantanamo Bay took place. Detention facility’s name officially changed to “Club Gitmo.”

February 2: President Bush delivers a State of the Union Address for the ages. Support for allowing Bush a third term grows.

February 4: Alberto Gonzales is confirmed as US Attorney General and, despite being Hispanic, immediately begins to love freedom.

February 6: The New England Patriots win Super Bowl XXXIX, once again proving that patriots kick ass.

February 12: Howard Dean is elected chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Republican dominance over all three branches of government is immediately assured for all eternity.

February 16: The Kyoto Protocol, addressing the myth of global warming, comes into effect. Globe seems to have to same temperature as the day before.

February 19: National embarrassment Jimmy Carter christens the USS Jimmy Carter, which later runs aground on wreckage left off the coast of Guam by the USS San Francisco.

February 20: America-hater Hunter Thompson commits suicide. Cold Warrior Richard Nixon, through a medium, does a little jig.

February 23: President Bush visits and liberates Slovakia.

March 1: In Roper v. Simmons, the activist US Supreme Court rules that the execution of those less than 18 years of age, even brutal white-woman killing terrorists, is illegal. No, seriously, they did.

March 3: Martha Stewart is released from prison after patriotically refusing to reveal the source of a story that outed a CIA administrative secretary.

March 7: John Bolton is nominated as US ambassador to the UN, and is universally lauded world-wide as the “right man, at the right time, in the right place, with the right mustache.”

March 8: Mt. St. Helens erupts after a 25 year sleep. Military official rightfully begin searching the site for Iraqi WMDs.

March 15: Out-of-the-mainstream Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) falsely accused President Bush of hiding Halliburton overcharges in Iraq. Patriotic Halliburton officials release to the freedom-hating Waxman copies of all their invoices, at the reasonable fee of $1,298.64 per copy.

March 20: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice arrives in and liberates China.

March 23: An explosion at a BP oil refinery in Texas injures 100, kills 15. Military official rightfully begin searching the site for Iraqi WMDs.

March 24: The US Supreme Court, still legislating from the bench, refuses to hear an appeal filed on behalf of the heroic Terri Schiavo. May God have mercy on their cold, secular souls.

March 27: The “War On Easter” is defeated.

March 31: Terri Schiavo dies. Hope you’re happy, you liberal bastards.

Coming Soon: The freedom-loving year in review, part deux

“WAR ON CHRISTMAS” DEFEATED

Birth of Christ Celebrated, Secularists Pout

(East Port, Maine) The midnight church bells that echoed through the cold air of the US’s easternmost city celebrated not only the birth of Christ, but also the defeat of the liberal secularist conspiracy to destroy Christmas. Freedom-loving East Porters emerged from their hardened bunkers and, for the first time in recent memory, exchanged greetings of “Merry Christmas” without fear of being the target of frivolous ACLU lawsuits.

“Those secularists put of a heckuva fight, I’ll give em’ that,” remarked General Bill O’Reilly, referring to a small but determined cell of former Howard Dean volunteers who incessantly bombarded O’Reilly’s position with guided Kwanza candles and cat-calls of “Happy Holidays.” “In the end, however, Christianity, as it always has and always will, was proven superior. I’m happy, nay, proud to wish everyone, yes, even our enemies, a very merry Christmas!”

Casualty and damage reports from the front lines have been sketchy and conflicting. Brutal insurgent gangs under the leadership of Senator John Kerry (D-MA) were rumored to have used incendiary devices on several Boston-area churches. The fate of Kerry is uncertain, as several prisoners of war claim he was fragged by members of his swift boat crew.

Damage to the enemy has been described as both shocking and awesome, with several blue state WalMart stores reduced to smoldering rubble. Christian soldiers Jenna and Barbara Bush reported that a Washington area nightclub that exhibited a “Happy Holidays” sign was burned to the ground shortly after closing time. “They, like, soooo deserved it,” reported an obviously drunk-with-the-spirit-of-Jesus Jenna. “I mean, ‘happy holidays?” That’s, like, so frigging gay! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

Meanwhile, in areas west of the excruciatingly liberal Eastern Time zone, the battle continues. In California the fighting is especially intense; outnumbered 9 to 1 by the secularist horde, all looked lost until Governor Schwarzenegger joined the fray. With his quiver full of media-friendly one-liners and surplus of armored Humvees, the tide was turned in such liberal bastions as Sacramento and Berkeley. “Jee-zus may have dayed on da cross, ja, but dees lib-a-rels will die where dey stahnd,” bellowed the Governator, as he nobly mowed down a platoon of freedom-hating hippies with a single burst from his NRA-protected .50 caliber machine gun.

With their defeat seemingly imminent, out-of-the-mainstream Democrats have already begun to focus their limited imaginations on the next unrealistic battle. “I have no doubt that in 2006 Bush and Cheney will be impeached, Alito’s nomination will be defeated, and Republicans will lose both the House and the Senate,” a deluded Howard Dean screamed into the disconnected microphone at the former, now flaming, home of Air America Radio. “I mean, it’s the holidays, right? It’s a time for miracles!”

EVE OF DESTRUCTION

Christmas Hero O’Reilly Prepares For Battle

(Undisclosed Location) EDITOR’S NOTE: On the eve of his greatest battle, General Bill O’Reilly sat down with Spurious George’s own intrepid reporter Rex Kramer for an exclusive, no-spin interview.

KRAMER: “Thank you, General O’Reilly, for imbedding me with your troops on this historic day. Now, some people, not me of course, but some people who obviously hate freedom are saying the War On Christmas in an unnecessary war, one based on faulty intelligence. How do you respond?”

O’REILLY: “Please. Unnecessary war? Millions of Americans are fed up, angry that Christmas is under siege by secular forces, and some are fighting back. Some may question our intelligence, but I feel confident that once the brutal secular forces are overthrown, the world will be a safer place.”

KRAMER: “No doubt, General, no doubt. Tell our readers, who are the enemies? Do they lurk among us?”

O’REILLY: “The secular menace is everywhere, Rex, but they’re of course concentrated in the “blue states.” In Saginaw, Michigan, the township opposes red and green clothing on anyone. In Saginaw Township they basically said anybody, we don’t want you wearing red or green. I would dress up from head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw Michigan.”

KRAMER: “I see that your soldiers’ uniforms are indeed red, green, and I might add, jingle-belled. Can you tell our read-“

O’REILLY: “Let me finish. In Dodgeville, Wisconsin, the Ridgewood Elementary School has changed the song Silent Night to Cold in the Night and forced the kids to sing the lyrics, “Cold in the night, No one in sight, Winter winds whirl and bite,” to the tune of the original Silent Night. The sheer blasphemy!”

KRAMER: “Secular bastards! But General, is military action really warranted? Is there no other course of action available to Christians?

O”REILLY: “Rex, we have exhausted all avenues of resolution. We went to the UN, but as John Bolton has not yet completed the massive overhaul that liberal institution so badly needs, we were thwarted by the secular forces there. We filed federal lawsuits, but the heretical ACLU has fought us at every turn. No, I’m afraid it must be war.”

KRAMER: “Understandable, General, very understandable. Now, this is clearly a new kind of war. How will we know when we’ve achieved victory?”

O’REILLY: “I’m glad you asked that. We will have achieved victory when stores like Target and Wal-Mart bow down to our forces. Here's what people want. They want to walk into the store and see 'Merry Christmas'. That's the litmus test.”

KRAMER: “Well said, sir. Good luck to you and your troops, General O’Reilly, and of course, Merry Christmas.”

O’REILLY: “Thank you, Rex. With God’s help, this may be the merriest Christmas of all.”

EX-DEM SENATOR BEARS FALSE WITNESS

“Sour Grapes” Daschle Slanders Bush, America

(Pierre, SD) Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD,) still bitter over his 2004 ouster from office, today libelously lashed out at President Bush, and thus all freedom-loving Americans, in a fable reported by the ultra-liberal Washington Post. The Post, most often used for fish-wrap and insulation for America’s few homeless, today irresponsibly printed Daschle’s treasonous denial of ever being informed about the Bush administration’s heroic use of NSA technology to foil numerous terrorist plots that included the intended bombing of inner city pre-schools.

It appears to many that Daschle, best remembered for his pathetic 2001 attempt to gain national attention by mailing himself an envelope laced with anthrax, is so desperate to see his name in print again that he felt compelled to bear false witness against the government he once served, as well as betray the security of the nation. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, Daschle has alleged that he was “never, not one time, informed that the National Security Agency even existed.” The needy former senator went on to say that the World Trade Center was bombed by the US military, that al Qaeda is a myth created by Bill Gates, and that the Russians have put fluoride into our nation’s water supply for the purpose of controlling our bodily fluids.

“Tom Daschle was out of the mainstream in 2004, and in 2005 he’s out of his mind,” accurately remarked current Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN.) “As a physician who has examined videotape of the former senator, I can say with complete confidence that he has lost all higher brain function.” In support of his sound diagnosis, Frist produced a declassified NSA document that summarizes an October 2004 conversation between Daschle and his psychotherapist. Frist also released to the media a listing of all medications prescribed to the former senator, as well as a number of medications he may have obtained through street dealers.

Vice President Dick Cheney, took time away from his meeting with coalition of the freedom-loving leaders in Muscat, Oman to further address Daschle’s treason. “I personally briefed former Senator Daschle, on a daily basis and in great detail, on the president’s patriotic plan to keep America safe. It pains me to see him now place petty politics above the security of the fatherland.” Cheney’s office later released a transcript of one such meeting with Senate leaders, in which Daschle stated that he “completely understood and agreed” that the US is fighting a new kind of war, and in which he swore that he loved both America and freedom. “Obviously,” remarked the Vice President, “Mister Daschle is not a man of his word.” Cheney went on the say that he wished the obviously-demented S=Daschle no ill will, and that he received the help he so desperately needed.

Daschle, currently residing in a mansion subsidized by ACLU lobbyists, could not be reached for comment. However, Senator John Kerry (D-MA,) another sore loser whose integrity was decimated by his former swift boat mates in 2004, stood up for his former colleague. “Even if the president’s plan foils 999 out of a thousand terrorist plots, is it worth it if one single person’s call to their grandmother in Baghdad is intercepted? I think not.” Senator Kerry later presided over a Boston civil ceremony in which a gay pedophile couple was “married” during a break in a “Free Joseph Padilla” rally.

SUNNIS CRY AND POUT

Saddam Loyalists Whine, Claim Election Fraud

(Baghdad) Stealing a page from the Democratic Party playbook, Sunni leaders today refused the accept the mandate of the Iraqi people, who in record numbers voted to give the former Baathists only a small minority in Iraq’s new and improved parliament. Without a hint of irony, the Saddam loyalists who for decades denied millions of freedom-craving Iraqis a vote, now baselessly complain of “voter irregularities” and spin wild conspiracy theories that have found traction on countless liberal American blog sites.

Sound familiar?

Adnan Dulaimi, suspected terrorist and leader of the Sunni’s Tawafaq Front, claims to have anecdotal evidence that butterfly ballots confused tribal elders, impenetrable electronic voting machines were hacked by Israeli intelligence, and long lines at many Sunnis strongholds interfered with the mandatory terrorist training for future martyrs. Dulaimi, known throughout Iraq as the “Sunni Al Gore,” also falsely asserted that his party’s sound defeat was assisted by intelligence provided to the opposing parties by the US National Security Agency (NSA.) “It is clear now that our strategy conference calls with American friends such as Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore were intercepted by the Great Satan, and passed along to the Shiite bastards,” ranted Dulaimi. “We fully intend to bring a case to the Iraqi Supreme Court, when and if that court is established.”

Dulaimi also made empty threats to increase insurgent violence if he and his party do not get their way, something administration officials with recent experience on the “Iraqi Street” dismiss as the tantrums of a sore loser. “Please, spare me the lame threats,” laughed Vice President Cheney, who only yesterday cut the ribbon at the opening of Fallujah’s newest Starbucks. “The Sunnis are so yesterday’s news. Trust me, the insurgency, which to be honest was always overblown by the liberal media, is indeed in its’ last throes.”

Cheney’s justified optimism was echoed throughout Iraq, where millions who worship Americans as liberating gods refuse to wash their purple-stained fingers. Prime Minister Ibrahim Jafari, a peace-loving Shiite who understands the importance of staying the course, pooh-poohed the out-of-the-mainstream Sunnis. “The people have voted, with their hearts and purple fingers, and have delivered freedom a resounding victory.” Jafari, whom US officials believe is a “good Shiite” as opposed to the bad Shiites that dominate al Qaeda, went on to give proper thanks to President Bush for delivering democracy to a land where a brutal, bloody dictatorship once ruled. “Thank Allah for America. Now, Iraq can be ruled in the way it was intended; with hard but fair Islamic law.”

ENVIRONMENTALISTS WEAKEN HOMELAND SECURITY

Untapped ANWR Oil Holds Key To Nation’s Safety

(Kaktovik, Alaska) Patriotic Americans believe that bubbling near the surface of the barren and wildlife-free Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) lies the easily-accessible and environmentally-friendly solution to every problem facing our nation. “Think about it,” challenged friend of the caribou and Exxon CEO Lee Raymond. “If America merely had access to the never-ending supply of oil to be found in her own backyard, we’d be free once and for all from the easily-toppled Middle East brutal dictatorships that currently supply us with 99.99% of our energy needs.” Raymond warned that without a new infinite source of energy, the US would be forced to construct thousands of terrorist-target nuclear power plants, strip mine wetlands for coal, and slash-and-burn millions of acres of pristine national forests.

The ANWR is so oil rich that some say a child could squeeze enough crude to fuel a medium sized city for a year out of any given pebble. Government experts report that the area, roughly the size of Mars and completely devoid of any indigenous life, could produce enough oil to satisfy America’s energy needs for the next millennium, pay for the cost of Operation Enduring Freedom and any future war, as well as Hurricane-proof every coastal US city. “It’s a win-win-win-win situation,” accurately assessed Raymond. “It’s just a shame that some people hate America so much that they ruin certain utopia for the rest of us.”

Raymond was, of course, referring to the vast left wing conspiracy, whose well-financed propaganda has created the illusion that the hellish ANWR is some kind of polar bear garden of Eden. “Nothing could be further from the truth,” confidently reported Interior Secretary and baby seal-hugger Gale Norton. “The ANWR is not unlike the surface of the moon. Cold, dead, and lifeless with the exception of some lichen, which, if they fell into the wrong hands, could be used to create pandemic biotoxins." Norton surmised that unless patriotic oil companies were allowed to sensitively explore the area, these lichen could be used by ruthless killers that lurk amongst us. “Thankfully, our president has had the foresight to sign off on the interception of all telephone calls originating in Alaska. I mean, if you look at a map, Russia is only inches away.”

Despite the urgent calls by heroic experts such as Raymond and Norton, the Senate today rejected the common-sense call for delicate extraction of freedom-saving oil by kid-gloved minority-owned oil firms. The inexplicable defeat was led, predictably, by the Humvee-driving Hillary Clinton, who once again has allowed her hatred of America to cloud the needs of her constituents. “How long is America’s freedom to be held hostage by Senator Clinton’s political aspirations?” logically asked former NYC mayor and national hero Rudolph Giuliani. “If 9/11 taught us anything, it’s that this is a new world. A new world demands new thinking, and new energy. Clearly someone with first-hand knowledge of how much 9/11 changed everything needs to stand up to her, and maybe run against her in 2008.”

FEDERAL JUDGE OUTLAWS GOD

Legislating Jurist Rules Jesus “Son of Monkeys”

(Harrisburg, PA) In a completely out of the mainstream decision that brought immediate presidential ire and almost certain eternal damnation, US District Judge John E. Jones today ruled that not only did God not create man in His image, but also that He doesn't exist. In his decision the hell-bound jurist wrote, “It is the decision of this court, and thus the solemn belief of every Democrat, that man was not created by a higher being, but rather, beyond any reasonable doubt, from the south-bound end of a north-bound red-assed baboon.”

At issue was whether or not the Godless children of Dover, Pennsylvania, should be instructed in the scientifically-sound ideas of intellectual design in addition to the evolutionary theories embraced by those almost certain to be left behind when the Rapture arrived. Judge Jones, however, overstepped the issue, and thus his authority, when he ruled that God is, “a myth, not unlike the Easter Bunny or intelligent Bush voters.”

“Once again, we have an activist judge, foisted upon God-fearing Americans by the liberal elite, who thinks his way of thinking is superior to the majority’s,” heroically summarized Richard Thompson, Christian soldier and chief counsel for the defendant school board. “Who is he to decide what science is? Excuse me, but the last time I checked, ‘intelligent’ and ‘design’ were both scientific terms.”

Judge Jones’ power-grabbing heresy did not go unnoticed in Washington, where each and every member of the superior majority power has a deep and everlasting relationship with God. “I find Judge Jones’ ruling both irresponsible and troubling,” remarked President Bush, who credits God for helping him, and thus America, stay the course in Iraq. “But then, what can you expect from a judge who insists on legislating from the bench, which as you know, violates the Constitution.” Bush held up Judge Jones’ dubious legal qualifications as an example of why America needs more judges who will strictly interpret the Constitution, and urged those who believe in God to demand the immediate confirmation of Judge Alito.”

Pat Robertson, who months ago announced a “War on Pennsylvania,” cited the Jones ruling as yet another example of Keystone Staters thumbing their noses at the Lord. “First, voters their tried to oust Jesus’ anointed president. Then, John Murtha dared doubt the wisdom of defeating the heathens. Now, a federal judge, clearly an agent of Satan, gives glory to monkeys instead of the Lord. Truly, I say unto you, do not be surprised if Pennsylvania is wiped off the map, possibly during the second Tuesday of November in 2006.”

PRESIDENT’S SPEECH UNIFIES NATION

“Historic” Address Quells Doubt, Brings Hope

(Washington) Last night President Bush invited all Americans, both Republican and freedom-hater, into his confidence, and with his usual eloquence and candor that has defined his reign, united a fractured nation. What began as one of his regularly-scheduled addresses ended with what one understated administration official referred to as “The Gettysburg Address of our time,” as well as a primer for future presidents to refer to when leveling with the American public.

Around the country, patriot and liberal alike gathered around their televisions and absorbed the unabridged truth that flowed from the president’s lips like freedom after an Iraqi election. And while Bush, amazingly, still has his detractors, no one who was present for his historic speech had any doubt that the president’s sole mission is the saving of American lives. “Every time he mentioned 9/11, well, I got goosebumps,” shivered Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT,) a formerly dedicated Bush-hater. “Sometimes we as Americans forget that terrible day. Thank God we have a man like President Bush in the Oval Office, someone willing to do whatever it takes to protect our freedom.”

Lieberman’s long-overdue recognition of the brilliance of the Bush Doctrine was echoed far outside the Beltway. At a Boise Wal-Wart, Christian soliders took time out from their protest against the War on Christmas© to sing the president’s praises. “I loved how we waved his arms about, how he was more animated,” remarked one shopper who loves low prices, but hates secularism. “That tells me he’s passionate about protecting the homeland. It’s a shame he can’t run again, if you ask me.”

“So what if he bugged a few towel-heads,” snorted fellow freedom-loving protester Will O’Weily. “If they’re innocent, well, they can go back to mixing my Slurpees. If they’re not, well, ol’ W will round em’ up and send em’ down to Club Gitmo.” O’Weily went on to say that he was tired of the spin the president’s enemies put on his actions, and that he rightly believed that Bush should only have to consult Congress on matters of national security if time permitted.

In light of Bush’s impassioned plea for unity in the War on Terror®, most Americans expressed both shock and awe that Congress has yet to join forces with the president. “I don’t get it. First they’re for the Patriot Act, now they’re against it?” incredulously asked Wal-Mart protester Alberto Gonzales. “It makes me, and I’m sure all American who’d prefer not to be attacked by terrorists, wonder what’s wrong with the party of John Kerry. Do they hate America that much?”

CHENEY TAKES COMMAND IN IRAQ

VP’s Military Acumen Brings Insurgency To Last Throes

(Baghdad) Inserted under cover of darkness into the front line in the war against Iraqi regressives, Vice President Dick Cheney today took command of US ground forces for their final push toward ultimate victory. Cheney, who as an active duty and reservist officer has fought in every US war since Korea, had until now resisted his own patriotic desires to again lead our brave soldiers in their most recent defense of our freedom. However, with the out-of-the-mainstream media’s goal of destroying American morale and giving aid and comfort to the enemy reminding him of our disgraceful cut and run in Vietnam, Cheney asked his commander-in-chief for one last command. “As a fellow Vietnam veteran, President Bush understands my need to close old wounds.

The wounds the vice president spoke of were both emotional and physical. He earned his seventh Purple Heart when then-Major Cheney called for a napalm drop on his own position after his battalion was overrun by Viet Cong that were to have been fended off by a young Lt. John Kerry. While Cheney’s heroic efforts won the day, the inflammable liquid he inhaled caused him heart problems that plague him to this day. “If we had more Major Dicks in our army in the fight for Vietnam, I have no doubt that today Hanoi would today be fighting by our side in Iraq,” tearfully expressed Lt. General Rush Limbaugh (Florida National Guard,) who served under Cheney during the last of his three Vietnam tours.

In the tradition of great Republican military men of the past, the unretired General Cheney hit the dusty ground running. With his first command he ordered all purple-fingered Iraqis armed, for a nominal fee, with M-16 rifles provided by the good people of Blackwater, as well as reasonably-priced ammunition supplied by a patriotic Halliburton subsidiary. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the trenches, it’s that freedom isn’t free.” The still eagle-eyed Cheney paused to take out a lurking terrorist 300 meters away with a short burst from his weapon before continuing. “Maybe some people back home think that just voting makes you a democracy, but not here. No, these folks know that to truly love freedom, you have to be willing to kill endlessly for it.”

Citing national security concerns, General Cheney would not discuss his plan for ultimate victory over those who hate our freedom, but did reveal that recent intelligence obtained by the NSA was instrumental in formulating his game plan. “The patriotic folks at the National Security Agency were able to intercept a communiqué, sent from a Fallujah Saddamist cell to their US backers, code-named ‘Hillary in 2008.’ Based on this intelligence, we believe the insurgents are in their last throes, and that they are almost ready to greet us as liberators.”

NSA officials would not, understandably, reveal the identity of the treasonous “Hillary in 2008,” but on the condition of anonymity did state that her existence would not have been known were it not for the eternal brilliance of the Patriot Act and the willingness of President Bush to do whatever it takes, within the boundaries of law and the Constitution, to save American lives.

NY TIMES EDITOR ARRESTED

Traitor Bill Keller To Be Held, Tried At Gitmo

(New York) Yesterday, in a Spurious George exclusive it was reported that the US Justice Department had opened an investigation of the New York Times editorial staff in regards to that treasonous daily’s leak of the NSA’s completely legal surveillance techniques. Today, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that the exhaustive investigation had been completed, and that Times editor Bill Keller had been arrested and arraigned on the charge of treason.

“We got him,” announced a jubilant President Bush to a televised audience of freedom-loving Americans. “Bill Keller’s exposure of a legal and necessary tool in the war on terror was both irresponsible and illegal. He has given aid and comfort to the enemy, and, I might add, hates Christmas.”

In a separate press conference, Gonzales expressed hope that Keller’s arrest would make other terrorist-sympathizing news agencies think twice before revealing top secret information. “Bill Keller represents merely the tip of the terrorist network, one that extends from him all the way to bin Laden himself.” Gonzales, who this past week uncharacteristically failed in his attempts to sway liberal senators to make the Patriot Act permanent, said he believes this arrest will open the eyes of the aptly-named bill’s former opponents. “I don’t think anyone wants to go on record as not staying the course in the war on terror. The Patriot Act not only needs to pass, it needs to be amended to the Constitution.”

In a related story, Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed a Constitutional Amendment that would grant the president powers to authorize wiretaps without warrant. The Amendment, if passed, would be retroactive, for no particular reason, to September 11, 2001. “Patriotic Americans have nothing to fear from this proposal,” announced Hunter, who says he regularly listens in on the telephone conversations made by his family. “only those who would harm us, and those who give aid and comfort to those who would harm us, need fear discovery.

The Times’ Keller, like all terrorist suspects, was immediately transported to the humane detention center located at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, often referred to in travel brochures as “Club Gitmo.” Keller, who could face execution if convicted, was upon arrival arraigned before a military judge, where transcripts from every telephone conversation he has had and every e-mail he has sent since September 11, 2001 was read into evidence.

NSA: TRUE AMERICANS NOT SPIED ON

Only Terrorists, Pedophiles, Democrats Being Watched

(Washington) National Security Agency chief Lt. General Keith Alexander in a rare public appearance today denied the conspiracy-theorist allegations flung at his agency recently by the New York Times. “The NSA, as the New York Times would have you believe, does not spy on normal Americans.” Alexander, whose agency is taxed with the patriotic duty of protecting innocent American lives, both born and unborn, was accused of doing just that in the slanderous Times piece, read daily by enemies from Basra to Beijing. “Besides, why would normal Americans care if we did? What would normal Americans have to hide from their government?”

In the article, already cited on many radical Islamic website as the “most comforting and aiding story of the year,” President Bush is treasonously accused of authorizing surveillance on everyday Americans, such as policemen and doctors, without benefit of a warrant. “Patently untrue,” asserted the President, who took time away from attending a brave soldier’s funeral to address the latest invented crisis spun from whole liberal cloth. “But you have to understand as the chief executive it is my job, and not the judiciary’s, to protect this country. They’re already legislating. I’m not going to let them execute.”

Stephen Hadley, the President’s national security advisor, patriotically echoed Bush’s statements. “This administration has no interest in the lives of everyday, freedom-loving Americans. That said, we are committed to taking on the radical terrorists here at home, so that we won’t have to fight them over there again.”

Citing national security concerns, Hadley would not identify what elements of society are considered especially radical, but suspicion has been focused on such groups as sex offenders, leaders of the Democratic party, and the editorial board of the New York Times. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales revealed that it is the last of these “usual suspects” that concerns him the most.

“I fear that the editors of the New York Times, upon learning that they have been the focus of a lawful investigation for some time, ordered their reporters to fabricate this story for the purpose of discrediting the United States government.” Gonzales did not directly accuse the Times of treason, as some rightly have, but asserted that another lawful investigation is warranted. “I have directed Assistant Attorney General Patrick Fitzgerald to set aside whatever minor investigations he’s overseeing, and to immediately open an investigation of the New York Times’ actions.”

McCAIN BACKS OFF TORTURE DEMANDS

AZ Senator Reluctantly Agrees To Torture Ban

(Washington) Senator John McCain (R-AZ,) a longtime proponent of the cruel but effective torture of enemy combatants, today announced he would no longer oppose the administration’s proposed ban on such activities. McCain, who as a young Navy lieutenant acting entirely on his own personally tortured scores of Vietnamese women and children in the late 1960’s, had until a recent meeting with President Bush defended the few bad apples who had employed inhuman interrogation techniques on defenseless inmates in Cuba, Iraq and Afghanistan. However, after meeting and praying with the president, McCain revealed to a stunned audience at the White House’s Amnesty International Annex that he had finally realized the error of his ways.

Somberly shared McCain, “My good friend President Bush, through the sound and eloquent logic skills he learned as the captain of the Yale debate team and the power of his faith in Christ, has shown me that as powerful and effective as the waterboard may be, it is not the American, and thus Christian, thing to do.”

McCain’s flip-flop on the issue brings to an end a months-long impasse with the Bush administration, which has repeatedly insisted that the US adopt a zero-tolerance policy regarding cruel and inhumane treatment of its’ prisoners. The Senate had earlier passed such a bill by a 99-1 vote, but the president had vowed to veto the resolution unless McCain, the alleged mastermind of the rendition program, reversed his sole opposing vote.

Vice President Dick Cheney, who in his rare free time counsels both torture victims and Hurricane Katrina survivors, praised the hawkish McCain’s change of heart. “Finally the United States can show a united front in the opposition of torture. Thanks to Senator McCain and the president, I now firmly believe that in future wars, we will indeed be welcomed as heroes.”

Unfortunately, the senior Arizona senator’s yield to the wisdom of the commander-in-chief was not universally hailed. Reached at her Ft. Leavenworth jail cell, Army Pvt. Lynndie England lashed out at her alleged former master. “What I did at Abu Gharib I did because of John McCain,” sobbed the former bad-apple prison guard. “To see him cave in like this, well, it makes me want to keep voting Democrat.”

BUSH: “MISTAKES WERE MADE”

President Vows To Return “Merry Christmas” To WH Site

(Washington) President Bush, in yet another example of his willingness to take personal responsibility for the mistakes of others, today assumed blame for the White House website’s failure to establish the primacy of Christmas over other end-of-the-year holidays. Specifically, Bush drew attention to the site’s “holiday page,” in which the word “holiday” appeared eleven times, and the superior term “Christmas” only six.

Humbly announced Bush, “Let history show that this president followed through with what he believed, and I believe in Christmas, and that Christmas is the holiest day for freedom-loving Americans everywhere. May God continue to bless America, which, even after the world changed on 9/11, still loves Christmas.” The president then signed an executive order that officially changed the term “federal holiday” to “federal Christmas,” and banned the liberal-secularist innuendo-laced greeting of “happy holidays” from all federally-funded materials.

Officials at the Government Accounting Office later released documents that revealed that the former White House holiday page had not been updated since December, 2000, the last Christmas stained by the Clinton misadministration. “In keeping with his firm belief in keeping down government costs, the president did not feel the need to incur the expense of producing a new web page every year,” logically explained White House press secretary Scott McClellan. “In fact, the changes the president announced were only possible thanks to a generous donation of time, money, and know-how by the Diebold Corporation.”

Americans who believe that the birth of Christ demands some sort of recognition, such as concerned citizen Bill O’Reilly, applauded the president’s actions. “While it was unnecessary to assume blame for Bill Clinton’s hatred of Christianity, it is clear to me that President Bush recognizes the Christian majority of this country is sick and tired of being persecuted.” O’Reilly, who has gained some recent notoriety for his grassroots effort to thwart efforts by secularists to reduce Jesus Christ’s birth to nursery rhyme status, said that he would remove the White House site from his humble newsletter’s blacklist. “As far as I’m concerned, President Bush has showed his resolve to stick to his beliefs by bowing to popular opinion.”

Noted author John Gibson, a man not given to sensationalism, concurred with O’Reilly. “Quite frankly, Christian Americans, which of course is redundant, find it offensive to have their holiest day commingled with ‘holidays’ celebrated by other, lesser faiths, especially those practiced by those who view Our Lord as a mere prophet, or worse, killed him.”

EVANGELISTS SLAM “NARNIA”

Film Fails To Defend Christmas, “A Little Gay”

(Lynchburg, VA) It is a rare day that Rev. Jerry Falwell, a humble pastor of a small Virginia church, gets tricked by the devil, but that’s exactly what happened last week when the liberal secularists of the Disney Corporation convinced him to show their latest film at his modest Lynchburg house of worship. “These people swore up and down that their movie was family-friendly and a testament to the word of God,” harrumphed the meek shepherd of the Lord, “what they didn’t say that was their God was in fact, Satan.”

The film, “The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” has been widely publicized as a Christian allegory, but many Christians are finding it difficult to turn the other cheek regarding the studio’s false advertising. “What kind of Christian movie prominently features a witch?” rhetorically asked Biblical scholar Benny Hinn. “What kind of Christian movie glamorized child abuse? Clearly, the Hollywood liberal elite is once again thumbing their crooked noses at us.”

Timothy LaHaye, noted author and Moral Majority founder, warned readers of his newsletter of a possible sinister motivation of bringing this blasphemous story to the big screen. “If Michael Moore and Charles Darwin were able to breed, as many non-Christians believe they should have the right to, this movie would be the result.” LaHaye was particularly disturbed by the prominence of talking animals featured throughout the film. “Clearly, this is an attempt to convince the viewer that we are on an even level with the beats, and by extension, support the long-held liberal belief that Jesus Christ was descended from a red-assed baboon.”

Pat Robertson, in his weekly sermon televised via a small public-access station in the hills of North Carolina, testified that another ungodly group’s message was expressed in a positive manner by the film’s Christ-killing producers. “Why is it all the centaurs are bare-chested and muscular? And where are the female centaurs?” asked Robertson. “Obviously, the gay agenda is at work here. Don’t be surprised, people, if Disneyland is soon cast into a pit of fire!”

Even Bill O’Reilly, possibly the most fair and balanced man America has ever produced, found the film anti-Christian in the extreme. “Not once, not one single time, was the word ‘Christmas’ mentioned in the film,” observed the tolerant and very non-racist O’Reilly. “As a result, I will do everything within my power to bring horror upon the Disney Corporation.”

Disney executives would not comment, but speaking for the Hollywood set, actor and Christian soldier Mel Gibson said that while not overtly satanic, “Narnia” fell well short of past classics in delivering a positive image of Christ. “C’mon, a lion Christ-figure? Where’s the blood? Where’s the gore? Where’s the passion?”

CHENEY OUT, LIEBERMAN IN?

VP Eyes 2008 White House, Olympics, Poetry

(Cheyenne) Sources close to VP Dick Cheney have revealed that while the vice president is in excellent health, he may resign his current post to focus his energies on other long-range goals. Observed close friend and Halliburton CEO David Lesar, “Let’s face it, Dick’s accomplished more in five years than most presidents do in eight. I think he’s earned the right to take a break, and maybe finish that book of poetry he’s been working on.”

While others within Cheney’s circle agree he may soon relinquish the vice presidency, they assert that he has more patriotic pursuits on his mind. “The vice president is hearing the call of those who want him in the White House in 2008,” remarked confidante and former Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmad Chalabi. “While not yet committed to running, he is leaving open the possibility, and doesn’t want it to appear that he is using government funds to further his own interests.”

Still others believe the vice president may step aside so that he may fully immerse himself in his true passion, weightlifting. Cheney, an alternate power lifter for the 1984 US Olympic team, is said to be eyeing a spot for the 2008 squad. “While Dick is committed to bringing freedom to Iraq and the Middle East, such effort has had a major effect on his grueling training regimen,” observed friend and 7-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. “This may be his last chance to earn a gold medal, and I think he’s taking it.”

While administration officials refuse to comment, several names have already been floated as a possible successor to history’s greatest vice president. Among the more notable names mentioned are Harriet Miers, Michael Brown, and Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT.) Lieberman’s name is generating the most buzz, as many believe he is a polar opposite of the president. Critics point out that Lieberman remains a member of the out-of-the-mainstream Democratic Party, and also that, unlike the president, Lieberman does not accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior.

Still, proponents of the Connecticut senator point out that he would bring a fresh perspective to the administration. “While both the President and Senator Lieberman agree that we obviously need to stay the course in Iraq, they differ on what exactly that course is,” opined White House press secretary Scott McClellan. “The President feels we should support freedom-loving, while Senator Lieberman leans more toward those who love freedom. That said, the President, as everyone knows, welcomes views that differ from his own.”

JEB BUSH, CASTRO TO MEET IN RING

Loser To Step Down In Fox Event

(Miami) Florida governor Jeb Bush, a former Olympic-caliber wrestler and, prior to a devastating elbow injury, a NFL prospect with unlimited potential, knows a thing or two about staying in peak physical condition. The governor is a daily fixture on the early morning streets of Tallahassee, where he runs a brisk 10 kilometer run before attending to state business. Then, during lunchtime while most Democrat lawmakers are dining on foie gras and chocolate mousse with their special interest handlers, Bush submits to a brutal one-hour workout of weights, aerobics and yoga that is monitored via teleconference by fellow Republican governor and fitness guru, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Said neighbor and Bush admirer Bobby Bowden, coach of Florida State’s football team, “If I had ten guys like the governor, well dangummit, I’d never lose a game.”

Thus it came as a shock to all familiar with Bush’s ripped chest and six-pack abs when Fidel Castro, Cuban dictator and generous benefactor of the Democratic National Committee, recently called Bush “the president’s fat little brother.” Castro later amended his statement and inferred that he was only thinking of Bush’s health, and that he hoped the popular governor would “eat less decadent capitalist American food.”

Bush, who in a show of support for this country’s fighting soldiers has only eaten MREs (meals ready to eat) since the start of Operation Enduring Freedom, took the communist’s personal attacks in stride, but bristled at the baseless attack on America’s food. Rhetorically asked Bush, “This country feeds the world, and he has the nerve to question its’ nutritional value?” The governor then chugged a quart of pure Florida orange juice before continuing. “Bring it on, beard!”

Via the United Nations, which while needing extensive restructuring still enjoys the support of the United States, Bush issued a challenge for Castro to meet him in the “squared circle” of a boxing ring, where their physical fitness, as well as the superiority of free market-driven democracy over soul-sucking communism would be proven once and for all. To sweeten the deal, Bush vowed that if he lost the bout, he would not seek the White House in 2008 as the vast majority of Americans have urged him to do.

Castro, who won a silver medal for Cuba as a middleweight in the 1952 Helsinki Olympics, has accepted the challenge, and in a surprise move promised to step down from power and hold elections if he loses the high-stakes tilt. The fight, which will be aired by FOX, will be held on the day prior to the 2006 mid-term elections, immediately following the news conference in which President Bush is expected to announce that victory has been attained in Iraq.

PLAME LEAVES CIA IN SHAME

Incompetence Cited As Reason For Dismissal

(Washington) Valerie Plame, wife of terrorist-sympathizing traitor Joe Wilson and poster girl for the lunatic fringe conspiracy theorists, today cleaned out her receptionist’s desk at CIA headquarters, and it appears her career as a junior executive administrative assistant has come to an end. While CIA officials, citing the infinite wisdom of the Patriot Act, refused to comment, several sources close to the situation offered credible, and probably true, reasons for Plame’s separation.

“Miss Plame’s vivid imagination and clear mental instability led her to believe that she was some sort of secret agent,” asserted Ted Wells, a prominent Washington attorney, whose client, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, had his distinguished career in service to this country stained by Plame’s psychosis. “While her superiors at the CIA, which included the janitorial staff, tolerated her fantasy life, ultimately they found it presented a clear and present danger to the security of the United States.”

While most experts agree that Plame was, like most rabidly partisan Democratic traitors, mentally unstable, one top administration official reveled that mental illness was only one of her shortcomings. “My sources tell me that, simply put, she was incompetent,” revealed White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove during a break from his single-handed effort to rebuild New Orleans’ 9th Ward. “She’d lose messages, forget to replace the copy machine’s toner, and supposedly made the worst coffee in Washington.” Rove stated that he held no grudges against Plame, whose fantasy world forced him on numerous occasions to take time from the business of serving his country and defend himself against delusional charges. “Yes, it was a dirty political trick, but as a Christian I must turn the other cheek. Honestly, I just hope the poor woman gets the help she so obviously needs.”

While charges against Libby were not immediately dropped, it is expected that in light of Plame’s disgraceful exit, special council will Patrick Fitzgerald will do the right thing and move for a dismissal on Monday, after he returns from a fundraiser for convicted killer and Crips gang-founder Stanley “Tookie” Williams.

SADDAM TRADES WMD LOCALES FOR LENIENCY

Plea To Save Life, Reduce Number Of Virgins In Heaven

(Baghdad) To many Americans weary of judges legislating from the bench, Saddam Hussein’s recent courtroom shenanigans have been almost too much to bear. However, according to a former assistant US attorney general under the Jesus-like John Ashcroft, the former bloody dictator’s theatrics may ultimately dispel the false accusations unjustly thrust upon the Bush administration by John Murtha, Michael Moore, and other enemies of freedom. “Saddam knows where the WMDs are,” confidently expressed the anonymous patriotic former official, “and he wants to talk.”

According to the official, Hussein is merely employing a classic delaying tactic, while his team of lawyers negotiate a plea bargain that will result in the detailed location of the mountains of mushroom cloud-producing munitions the former “Butcher of Baghdad” was known to possess prior to the heroically successful liberation of Iraq. “Trust me, when all is said and done, Saddam will sing like Lee Greenwood,” truthfully professed the former legal defender of America’s just laws. “By Christmas, we’ll know the location of every gram of anthrax, every ounce of sarin gas, and every megaton of uranium.”

These sentiments were shared by many who keep America safe for God-fearing Christian people every day. Mark Fuhrman, this country’s most revered detective and an expert on courtroom testimony, remarked that Hussein’s actions speak volumes about his intentions. “Everything he does, from his animated behavior, to the lack of a necktie, to the comment that he hasn’t changed his underwear in days, says that he’s relaxed and ready to share.” Fuhrman, whose gravitas has swung the tide of many undecided jurors, went on to explain that even Saddam’s constant display of the Koran is an indication of where the trial is heading. “By gripping a false holy book, he is communicating that he knows he has been deceitful, and that when given the chance to swear upon a Holy Bible, will be compelled to speak the truth, possibly for the first time in his life.”

While prosecutors, being advised by American legal hero Kenneth Starr, refuse to comment on any pending, or possibly imminent plea bargain, those with knowledge of the events and with close ties to the Bush administrations believe that ultimate redemption for the liberation is at hand. “My Georgie never lies,” testified the matronly insider who once served patriotically under the previous Bush administration. “If he said Saddam had nucular weapons, Saddam had nucular weapons.” According to the same source, Saddam’s testimony will reduce in a reduced sentence that will ultimately spare his life, but will also result in a reduced number of virgins to serve him in heaven, as well as court costs.

COULTER’S BRAINS, BEAUTY CONQUER LIBERAL BASTION

Student Hecklers Won Over By Pure Intellect, Classic Looks

(Storrs, CT) Connecticut native and conservatism’s sexiest pinup girl Ann Coulter knew she would be facing a hostile crowd when she agreed to speak at the historically-liberal University of Connecticut. “This is the same state that produced Joe Lieberman, America’s pre-eminent dyed-in-the-wool hippy,” remarked the statuesque blonde upon her arrival in a state only slightly less blue than neighboring Massachusetts. “I’d fear for my safety, if every man in this state wasn’t such a thumb-sucking, limp-wristed pacifist.”

Soon after the former supermodel stepped to the dais to thunderous applause, a small group smelling of clove cigarettes and seated near the rear of the packed assembly hall and who evidently formed their moral and ethical core during the Clinton years began a sophomoric chant, the lyrics of which offended the majority of God-fearing attendees and which will not be repeated here.

Despite being shouted down by the freedom-loving College Republicans in attendance, Coulter exhibited the patience of Job and the teaching style of our Lord when she quietly, in a voice fit for the angel that she is, challenged the tie-dyed pack of leftist unemployed welfare cheats to a series of contests. “If,” cooed the national icon of American femininity, “you defeat me in any of three contests, I will not only leave this state forever, I will register as a Democrat, and with Dick Cheney as my witness, publicly apologize to Bill Clinton.”

A collective gasp issued forth from the gathered “Coulter Heads,” but with a wink their heroine assured them that they need not worry. “First, send me your strongest!” Placing his water bong down in the aisle, a tattoo-festooned, goateed and obviously “alternatively-oriented” young man sashayed to the stage. Coulter, ever the gracious host, smiled the same smile that has won over President and peanut farmer alike, before knocking in the vast majority of the punk’s front teeth in with what was later described as “a swift sword of justice of a left jab.” Once the rude sodomite stumbled from the stage and Miss Coulter deftly wiped the blood from her delicate hand onto a fashionable handkerchief bequeathed to her by Margaret Thatcher, she issued her next challenge.

“Now, send me your prettiest!” With that, some poor man’s daughter, Doc Martin-footed and bra-free, lumbered down to face off with America’s Princess of Propriety. Even with her mannish costume, it was clear to many that the feminist fascist was pretty, her genes like most things in her life given to her. Coulter took the lesbian’s left hand in her right and asked the crowd, “Now, who is prettier? Me, or her?” With that, Alluring Ann raised her challenger’s arm, revealing that in each recessed pit she had cultivated more hair in 19 years than John Kerry had in a lifetime.

Coulter picked a stray ancillary hair from her smart suit before continuing. “Finally,” she commanded, “send me your smartest.” Seconds passed, and no one stepped forward. Coulter sighed prettily and again asked, “Is there no one in the bastion of liberal learning even worthy of challenging me?” Again the call went unheeded, and it was clear to all that once again strength, beauty and intelligence had won the day.

Coulter, magnanimous as ever, refused to gloat over yet another victory over ill-conceived liberal elitism. Following her speech, which many in the bi-partisan audience compared to Martin Luther’s “I Have a Dream” for its’ passion and Luther’s theses for its’ intellectual resonance, Coulter met with her earlier foes and offered workout hints, makeup tips, and grammar lessons. Summed up America’s sweetheart, “Just doing what I can for America’s bright, freedom-loving future.”