KERRY LOSES YET AGAIN

“Hanoi John” Rides Swift Boat to Oblivion

(Boston) In a scene all too familiar to the hundreds of dyed-in-the-wool hippies who cling to the hope that he has any political future, Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) today conceded for the second time in 14 months that he is so outside of the mainstream that the recently-launched New Horizons deep-space probe, on a nine-year mission to Pluto, will freeze in the unknowable cold of the Kuiper Belt before reaching the remnants of his political career. “It is now abundantly clear to me that, despite my plan to filibuster by reading the names of all the women Senator Kennedy has date-raped over the years, Judge Alito will in fact be confirmed as the 110th Supreme Court Justice,” droned the human sleeping pill/junior senator from Massachusetts. “Just let me be the first to congratulate Justice Alito, and to say that I voted for him before I voted against him.”

Those close to the failed presidential candidate say that, even before the ill-advised call to block the über-qualified Alito’s coronation, it has been a brutally difficult year for the former faux war hero. “Poor John,” lamented DNC Chairman Howard Dean, quite possibly the only man not named “Michael Moore” more delusional than the 2004 Democratic nominee. “Had I not had my own meltdown, there’s no doubt that I would have been the party’s candidate. Living with the knowledge that he was everyone’s second choice must be such a burden. That said, yeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!”

“Poor John,” trial lawyerly commented John Edwards, a man who holds no elected office and yet still manages to get his well-coiffed head on CNN eleven times a day. “Can you imagine how difficult it must have been for someone who looks as nearly-dead as he does to stand next to a man as pretty as me? I mean, look at me! Feel my hair; go ahead and tell me it’s not luxurious, and I’ll call you a liar!” Edwards added that he knew the ticket was in trouble when, while on the campaign trail, supporters asked, “Who’s the ugly man who talks funny?”

“Poor John,” remarked his heavily-accented and not-very-American wife Teresa, who knows a dead husband when she sees one. “I really thought that when I married him he was going places, but it turns out he was, how you say? Just trying to get in my pants. What a loser! Do you by any chance have Barack Obama’s number?” Teresa Heinz-Kerry, who now alleges that her husband plied her with rufies and Cristal in an effort to have her sign over her trust fund to his doomed campaign’s war chest, hints that there may be more than skeletons in Herman Munster’s closet. “Let’s just say he has Barney Frank on speed-dial, and I doubt they’re talking about pork in the government at 2:00 a.m. Then again, maybe they are.”

“Poor John,” compassionately and conservatively in a very statesman-like voice uttered President Bush, referring to the man who made the president’s mandate possible. “Who knows? Had he not lied about his war record, he might very well be president. Doubtful, but still, hard to say. May God continue to bless America. And that’s all I have to say about that.”

Kerry’s closest advisors, who include the Rev. Jesse Jackson, the Rev. Al Sharpton, and convicted killer Willie Horton, refuse to concede that his political viability is in shambles. However, at least one source who has been at the senator’s side throughout his career admits that Kerry faces some soul-searching questions. “Where does he go from here? I don’t know,” confessed actress and infamous America-hater Jane Fonda. “France? Russia? Iran? Canada was an option before they went conservative. Even California, these days, is too patriotic for a man like John. No, Massachusetts it must be. Poor John.”

"Poor John's Almanac" can now be purchased at Spurious George's "History of Losers" bookstore. Order now, and we'll include Michael Dukakkis' "Damn You, Willie Horton" and Al Gore's "I DID Invent the Internet" at no additional charge.

SPURIOUS GEORGE TURNS 100!

Unlike Hillary, We’re Getting Better with Age!

(Orlando) In celebration of Spurious George bringing you, the overtly patriotic American, the 100th freedom-loving, factesque-filled column, we present today a list of 100 Reasons America is Much Better Under Bush. Without further ado, and in no particular order, here they are:

1) Thanks to the new and improved FCC, there are now 165 words you can’t say on TV (including “liberal.”)
2) Blind allegiance to authority is patriotic.
3) Questioning authority, finally, is not.
4) Defense contractor stock has never been higher.
5) Same goes for Halliburton stock.
6) Heck, even Big Oil is doing ok (but not too OK.)
7) A man with a 19% approval rating can still be elected Vice President.
8) Twice.
9) Jenna and Bar? Twice as hot as that dog Chelsea.
10) Laura’s not running for anything. That said, if there’s a contest for “Hottest Republican MILF,” well, it’s no contest.
11) Liberals are too stupid to figure out that the “Clear Skies Initiative” really isn’t so much about, you know, clear skies.
12) Healthy Forest Initiative?” Do you have any idea how many people are killed by trees every year?
13) Don’t even get me started on “No Child Left Behind.” Pat Robertson came up with that one. Good times.
14) Sale of American flag have skyrocketed (and that’s not even counting the ones used at funerals.)
15) Saddam Hussein won’t be trying to kill W’s daddy again.
16) Osama’s so deep in hiding that, to be honest, we don’t give him much thought anymore.
17) It is now possible for a Senator to accurately diagnose a comatose woman after watching just a few minutes of video.
18) John Roberts
19) Samuel Alito
20) Harriet Miers (all in due time, my pretty, all in due time.)
21) Nobody is messing with Texas these days.
22) We’ve been introduced to John Ashcroft’s lovely singing voice.
23) We’ve been exposed to Alberto Gonzales’ lovely explaining voice.
24) Old Europe was finally put in their place.
25) America: still tsunami-free!
26) No attacks since 9/11.
27) Hurricanes? We’re doing a heckuva job!
28) Earthquakes? Outsourced em’ to Pakistan.
29) Speculative land purchasing in New Orleans is the new dot-com craze!
30) Red, white and blue is the new black.
31) Tax cuts.
32) Permanent tax cuts (maybe.)
33) An overhauled United Nations.
34) Coming soon: an overhauled Social Security.
35) Coming even sooner: an overhauled tax code!
36) Can’t come soon enough: an overhauled immigration policy (I’m thinking walls, people!)
37) The overdue protection of marriage.
38) Gitmo.
39) Abu Ghraib.
40) Rendition.
41) Sweet, life-saving torture.
42) Big upswing in number of Medals of Freedom bestowed.
43) Faith-based initiatives.
44) Faith-based foreign policy.
45) Faith-based torture of the infidels.
46) Intelligent design makes a comeback.
47) Outsourcing of menial, low-paying jobs.
48) Outsourcing of dirty, grimy manufacturing jobs.
49) Outsourcing of geeky, unmanly technical jobs.
50) Outsourcing of torture.
51) Free-trade agreements out the wazzoo.
52) Less legislating from the bench.
53) Less criminal-coddling from the bench.
54) More up-or-down votes for the bench!
55) Nuclear (or, more properly, “nucular”) option. Yeah, baby!
56) The return of loyalty.
57) The return of political royalty.
58) WMDs in Iraq? No more!
59) Coalition of the Willing in Iraq? Who needed them?
60) Black-box voting.
61) Exit-polling invalidated.
62) Supreme Court selection of Presidents (what? You want FLORIDA to pick our Commander-in-Chief? Didn’t think so.)
63) Soliders actually being all they can be.
64) Marines finally “the few.”
65) Went to war with the military we had, not the one we wished we had. Not that we wished we had another military, of course.
66) Fox News #1
67) Mainstream media marginalized.
68) Matt Drudge legitimized.
69) Ann Coulter? Fantasized!
70) Limbaugh, Hannity idolized.
71) Michelle Malkin’s Chinese eyes!
72) Wiretapping.
73) Crawford napping.
74) New World Order mapping.
75) Middle East democracy.
76) Supreme Court theocracy.
77) Department head nepotacracy.
78) War on Christmas? Won.
79) War on Terror? Winning (but never-ending.)
80) War on Democrats? Just beginning!
81) Housing prices through the roof!
82) Eternal war, red in tooth.
83) Presidential mother still aloof.
84) First black national security advisor.
85) First black female national security advisor.
86) First black secretary of state.
87) First female secretary of state.
88) First black female secretary of state (why do Democrats hate black people?)
89) Less cutting and running.
90) Less freedom-hating.
91) Much less intern-boffing.
92) No cigars in the Oval Office.
93) Rich, white male” no longer a taboo classification.
94) Blame placed where it belongs: on the uninsured.
95) Blame placed where it belongs: on gay people.
96) Blame placed where it belongs: on Democrats.
97) Blame placed where it belongs: on defeatists.
98) Blame placed where it belongs: on Muslims.

99) Blame placed where it belongs: on Michael Moore.

100) Without Bush, let's face it, I'd have no material.

Rex Kramer, who had no idea when he started this lame column how hard it would be to think up 100 lines, strongly encourages you to watch the State of the Union Address, or as he likes to call it, the “America Kicks Ass Speech,” tomorrow night.

REX KRAMER SELLS OUT. AGAIN

SG’s Reporter Responds to Yet Another Meme

(Orlando) Spurious George’s globe-trotting reporter Rex Kramer© normally doesn’t make the news, he reports it (in his patriotic and yet strangely non-Pulitzer-winning kind of way.) Rarer still is any glimpse into the personal life of America’s conservative conscience; even his red-white-and-blue made-in-America business card reads, “Your Business is My Business and the NSA’s Business; My Business is None of Your Business.” That said, he has agreed to address the latest meme making the rounds, having been “tagged” by those America-hating bastards, the Defeatists! Why? Well, Rex Kramer© knows America yearns to know more about Rex Kramer©, and besides, no one reads this thing on Sunday.

Seven Things I Say:

“God bless America.”
“May God continue to bless America.”
“If God, for whatever reason, decides that He’d rather not bless America at this particular moment, may He at least have the common courtesy of smiting some lesser, evil nation.”
“These colors don’t run.”
“These colors don’t cut and run.”
“My country, right, wrong or Constitutionally questionable.”
“You gonna eat that?”

Seven Books I Like (but not as much as America):

100 People Who Are Screwing Up America, by Bernard Goldberg. Not surprisingly, all 100 are liberals.
Unfit for Command, by John O’Neil. The book that saved this country from a bad decision.
The Truth About Hillary, by Edward Klein. I hope this isn’t a spoiler, but it turns out she’s a bitch.
The Tripp/Lewinsky Tapes, by Geoffrey Giuiliano. Much like snuff films, a guilty pleasure.
Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under My Bed! By Katharine DeBrecht. This one gave me the willies.
How to Speak to a Liberal (If You Must,) by Ann Coulter. I would crawl naked over a mile of broken glass just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie.
Dereliction of Duty, by Robert Patterson. The historic work proves that whatever President Bush’s minor failings, Clinton sucked.

Seven Movies I Enjoyed (and you, as a patriot, should too):

Born on the 4th of July: Ok, I haven’t actually seen it, but it sure sounds America-loving!
National Treasure: Makes the Declaration of Independence come alive, even if it is just a piece of paper.
Armageddon: With a title that conjures up images of the Rapture AND a storyline in which Paris gets whacked, this one gets two patriotic thumbs up!
Philadelphia: A gay lawyer dies during a frivolous lawsuit? What Republican wouldn’t love this?
Star Wars: Again, haven’t seen it, but I’m certain it’s about the missile defense system Democrats voted down. Bastards.
Munich: Hunting down and killing terrorists? Count me in!
The Green Berets: John Wayne and Special Forces. Really, need I say more?

Seven Things I Enjoy About Cities:

Well, the fact is, I hate cities. They’re full of crime, illegal immigrants, and worse, liberals. Let’s just move on.

Seven Things I Can Not Do:

Bad-mouth my country.
Take John Kerry seriously.
Legislate from the bench.
Cut and run.
Change horses in mid-stream.
Forgive Jane Fonda.
Hate freedom.

Seven Things I Must Do Before I Die:

Strictly interpret the Constitution.
Faith-based initiate the hell out of something.
Shrink the government to such a size that it can easily be drowned in a bathtub.
Do something to get Jodie Foster to notice me.
Be worthy of a donation from Jack Abramoff.
Record an album with John Ashcroft.
Crawl naked over a mile of broken glass just to hear Ann Coulter fart through a walkie-talkie.

There you have it America, Rem Kramer’s© bared red, white and blue breast. He won’t be forwarding this meme to anyone else because, well, he’s just not that into you. Besides, Rev. Billy Bob has a nifty idea of his own, and Rex doesn’t want to muck up the net with too much nattering negativities.

Coming Tomorrow: Spurious George's 100th Patriotic Column! Buy Your Commemorative Plate, Spoon and Gravy Ladle Today!

DEMOCRATS BOARD THE ALITO EXPRESS!

Next Stop: Pro-Life City for the Big Roe v. Wade Game!

(Washington) Intelligently ignoring the shrill call of treason issued by rejectionists John Kerry and Ted Kennedy, several Democratic senators have broken from Hillary Clinton’s mind-control witchcraft powers and rightfully supported the nomination of the overly-qualified Samuel Alito to the US Supreme Court. “I have every faith that Judge Alito will adhere to the rule of law, and no matter how tempting, will not invade Poland,” aptly assessed Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT,) who in no way allowed the Beltway rumor that he has been tabbed to replace Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld affect his recent pro-America stances. “I suggest that all Democrats, if they love their country, appease the president and vote ‘ja’ for Alito.”

Lieberman’s capitulation was parroted by Bill Nelson (D-FL,) who faces scary opposition in his 2006 re-election bid from conservative goddess Katherine Harris. “While I recognize the concerns 49% of Floridians have about Judge Alito’s views on executive powers, I am mindful that 51% of Sunshine Staters believe that unlimited executive powers are necessary to hunt down the brutal terrorists who lurk among us.” Nelson, who as a former astronaut knows a rising star when he sees one, is convinced that Alito represents the core values of his constituents. “He’s white, male, and Christian, as are the vast majority of my donors, er, supporters, um, Floridians. Have I mentioned that I love Jesus?”

Especially encouraging for Alito’s expected mandate from the Senate is the endorsement of the ultra-liberal Joe Biden (D-DE,) who, as a man without higher political aspirations, has always previously refused to bend to popular opinion. “I am cautiously optimistic, but not overly so, that possibly, maybe, Judge Alito will not vote to overturn Roe v. Wade. Unless, of course, he does. That said, if he does, it will be because he, and not I, decides that. I wash my hands of all of this.” Those close to Delaware’s senior senator revealed that they haven’t seen him this decisive since the September, 2001 vote to give President Bush unlimited powers to fight the wildly-successful War on Terror©.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) applauded the patriotic epiphanies of his across-the-aisle colleagues. “The bipartisan support of this nomination proves once again that the president is a uniter, not a divider. Hopefully, this spirit of surrender will continue when Justice Stevens dies, which, as a physician, I can assure you won’t be long now.”

Meanwhile, Senator Kerry, who never seems to tire of losing decisively, predictably refused to accept the reality of his situation. Kerry, who faces still competition from Hillary Clinton (D-NY) for the title of “worst nominee since Dukakis” in 2008 pathetically whines, “If we don’t have the votes to filibuster, and I’m not conceding that we don’t, I intend to voice a lengthy droning speech in opposition to the nomination that not only will deal the final death-blow to my political career, but will also give substantial aid and comfort to the enemy.”

Kerry-Kennedy Artwork Donated by the Sadly Inactive KerrySucks.com

PENTAGON: WIFE-GRABBING OK

Islamic Traditions, Founding Fathers Support Wife Seizures

(Washington) Increasingly, Pentagon officials find themselves defending themselves from treasonous journalistic revelations when most Americans would prefer that they concentrate their efforts on completing the mission in Iraq, and eventually, moving onto Iran. However, in the most recent irresponsible accusation made by the liberal mainstream media, Defense Department patriots once again find themselves explaining a perfectly legal tactic in the War on Terror©. “The grabbing of another man’s wife, as long as he’s a terrorist enemy combatant, is not only morally and legally right, it’s a necessary tool on the workbench of freedom,” patiently explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld in a speech to an understanding gathering of Concerned Women for America. “We’re not detaining the spouses of everyday Americans; these are the women that the men who hate our freedoms love.”

Rumsfeld was responding to wildly-erroneous reports that American troops are systematically detaining the wives of known insurgents for the purpose of using them as “human shields” against future rejectionist attacks. “That’s just preposterous. Why, that would be unspeakably inhumane and illegal, and quite frankly, I would take offense to anyone who would dare accuse the United States of acting in such a reckless manner. No, what we’re doing is dangling the legally-detained wives of evil insurgents as carrots in order to bring about their peaceful surrender.” Secretary Rumsfeld went on to say that while no ransom demands had been made and that the innocent spouses would probably not be tortured or killed, he admitted that “all options are on the table.”

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended the seizures as being in accordance with Islamic law, as well as the stated intent of our country’s Founding Fathers. “It is a well-established custom in Muslim societies for women to be classified as property. In the original draft of our own Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson established that all Americans have the right to ‘life, liberty and property.’ Thus it is clear that as our brave troops fight for their lives and our liberty, they have a right to Iraqi property.” Gonzales further explained that the pesky Constitutional Amendments that address search and seizure issues also support the issue. “While the Fourth Amendment protects citizens against warrantless seizures, I direct your attention to the already-issued position paper regarding domestic NSA wiretaps. Simply put, we don’t need no stinking warrants.”

Although he is not obligated to comment on the issue, overqualified Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito added his legal gravitas to the settled debate. “Right and wrong are arbitrary terms applied by short-sighted Democrats, er, I mean people who fail to recognize that everything, including the Constitution, changed on 9/11. It’s a moot point, anyway. You see, these women aren’t American and they’re not in America. Their detention is as perfectly legal as rendition and torture in Eastern European secret prisons.”

Has SG’s Rex Kramer mentioned that his first column for The Blue Republic appears in tomorrow’s issue? If he has, we apologize for repeating it because, well, that’s just tacky.

DANGER!!! TREASON AFOOT!!!

(Washington) In a sad attempt to prove how out-of-the-mainstream he truly is, Senator "Hanoi John" Kerry has called for a treasonous, and probably illegal, fillibuster of Christian soldier Samuel Alito's well-earned Supreme Court nomination. The faux Vietnam veteran has gone so far as to call for all eleven or so people who voted for him in 2004 to contact fellow Jesus-hating Democratic Senators and demand that they follow him in this fool's errand.

Spurious George calls on its' readers to react by contacting their more patriotic representatives and urge them to use the "nuclear option" to quash this mutiny against the able captainship of the Good Ship America. Let's face it, people...conventional weapons are for pussies.

NEY NIXES NEGATIVE KNOW-NOTHINGS

OH Patriot Seeks Certain Re-Election

(Heath, OH) Rep. Bob Ney, in accordance with his deep Christian beliefs, has always been a befriender of people in need, whether they be the salt-of-the-earth farmers of Ohio’s 18th Congressional District, or, hypothetically, well-haberdashered Jewish East-Coast lobbyists with a yearning to help the Native American find his way in this liberally-dominated world. Sadly, morally-bankrupt partisan hacks have used Ney’s penchant for good works against him, and have incredibly alleged that he has been, believe it or not, “too nice” to a friend who sought his guidance. Despite the baseless attack, the “St. Teresa of St. Clairsville” has vowed that he will seek and win re-election in 2006.

Ney, who overcame the stigma of being white and blue-eyed to be elected to Congress in 1995, said he’s not about to allow a smear-job for which the Democratic Party is known to stand in the way of doing the people’s work. “I defy anyone to prove, beyond any reasonable doubt and with irrefutable scientific proof, including pictures and DNA, that I ever accepted gifts from anyone other than my family, and, of course, the gift of eternal salvation from Jesus Christ.” Ney admitted that when the ridiculous allegations first surfaced that he had accepted cash from Jack Abramoff, a former Little Leaguer Ney had coached when not spreading the Gospel to Iranian heathens in the 1970’s, he momentarily considered resigning his seat. However, a private conversation with a famed philosopher with whom Ney has a close, personal relationship changed his mind. “President Bush, after much prayer, informed me that Jesus needs me to do his work in Congress. Who am I to deny a noted philosopher like the President?”

The “swift-boating” (a term with origins in the manufactured Abramoff-Sun Cruz pleasure boat “scandal”) has gained little traction among Ohioans. “If Bob says he’s innocent, he’s innocent. Besides, how can you not trust a man from Ohio named Bob,” rhetorically asked Governor Bob Taft, known nation-wide as a beacon of honesty in government. “We need Bob Ney representing the 18th District and America. If it weren’t for him, the only Congressman fluent in Farsi, we would have never found Saddam’s WMDs.”

Pundits with a palpating pinky on the throbbing pulse of patriotic politics predict that the partisan pickle will not prevent probable prevailing, or perhaps a Presidential pardon. “Southern Ohio is like a middle-aged woman with mental health issues and an inclination to shrill incessantly, in that she should be happy for any man she can get,” opined the mentally-stable 20ish conservative supermodel Ann Coulter. “That said, I can’t think of a single Ohio Democrat who even meets those lowered expectations. Bob Ney’s seat is safer that this country now that Saddam Hussein has been taken out.”

Despite facing certain humiliation, it is expected the Democrats will attempt to oppose Ney with a big-name carpetbagger in a sad attempt to justify their continued, annoying existence. One name being prominently mentioned is Hillary Clinton, who claims a kinship with Ohio voters based upon her belief that she may have once eaten a tomato grown there. “Pardon my blasphemy, but that’d go over like a fart in church,” accurately assessed Governor Taft, who quickly pointed out that he while he had never passed gas in the Lord’s house, he assumed Clinton had and would continue to do so if elected. “We Ohioans like our women soft, pretty, and patriotic. Women like Jean Schmidt, you see. While lesbians such as Hillary have their uses, such as keeping the crows away from the crops, they have no place in Congress. Or in marriage, either.”

BUSH TO MEXICAN INSURGENTS: “TRAELO!”

Is Mexico Plotting US Invasion?

(Washington) Amid allegations supported by infallible intelligence sources that the Mexican army is smuggling drugs and possibly terrorists across the border, President Bush today assured the American people that US armed forces stand ready to repel the little brown bastards. “To those who would weaken our nation with their Mary Jane cigarettes, America says ‘bring it on,’ or as you might say in Spanese, ‘traelo!” Bush further stated that he was ordering the 3rd Infantry Division, who has had a few days to rest up since their return from Iraq this month, to the Rio Grande theater of operations. “There’s an old saying from the old west: ‘wanted dead or alive.’ Something like that. Hard to say. Anyhow, that’s how we want our Mexicans. The bad ones, that is. Not the good ones. A good Mexican is a dead Mexican. No, wait. That is to say, say no to drugs!”

Pentagon officials confidently asserted that the redeployment of troops would not affect the military’s ability to fight additional wars in Iran, China, or elsewhere. “Despite what the liberal media might have you believe, the army is not broken,” patriotically declared Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, whose flared nostrils emphasized the point. “To say otherwise only brings aid and comfort to the enemy, in this case, an enemy who spices his quesadilla with a dollop of America-hating and a sprinkling of terrorism sauce.” Rumsfeld assured those assembled that the army would not conduct offensive missions, but conceded that “all options are on the table.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice admitted that the souring of relation’s with America’s southern neighbor dampened enthusiasm over yesterday’s thawing of relations with Canada. “Where once we battled our northern neighbor’s failure to ensure the quality of prescription drugs, we no face our southern neighbor’s refusal to control their illicit drugs. We, and I’m told by John Bolton, the UN, find it disappointing that Mexico has elected to enlist with the Axis of Evil.” Rice confessed, however, that a vacancy in the Axis was created with the sweet liberation of Iraq, and thus it was inevitable that some rogue nation would swoop in to fill the void. “We assumed that, given their socialist tendencies, Canada or possibly France was a natural ally for Iran and North Korea, but it appears that the Mexicans, taking advantage of cheap labor and complete lack of American-style morals, has rushed to the forefront.”

While the White House stopped short of declaring War on Mexico©, Wall Street today reacted to “war and rumors of war” with a sharp downturn is stocks associated with companies with strong ties to Mexico. “We estimate that should hostilities commence, businesses such as Wal-Mart and General Foods could lose 97% of their employee base,” reported retiring Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, whose mere smirk has caused third-world economies to crumble. The market was balanced, however, by news that Halliburton and Exxon were projecting higher-than-expected earnings in the coming year.

!!!SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION EXCLUSIVE!!!

Rex Kramer Inks Deal to Bring Patriotism to Millions

(Orlando) In a deal drawing appropriate comparisons to the Marshall Plan and the Berlin Airlift, Spurious George’s danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer© today announced that starting this weekend, he will be delivering sweet, refreshing patriotism to the freedom-parched readers of the über-liberal propaganda tool, The Blue Republic.

“While our points of view differ from the patriotic right to the extremely liberal wrong, I look forward to the opportunity to convince the potheads and abortionists that constitute The Blue Republic’s readership to come aboard the USS America for the pleasure cruise to the white-sanded beaches of freedom-loving,” confidently announced the red-white-and-blue-tuxedoed Kramer. “Not to underestimate my considerable talents, but the fact is America basically sells herself.”

The unlikely marriage between proud patriotism and timid treason was allegedly born in response to a boycott of The Blue Republic’s advertisers called for by fair-and-balanced media watchdog Bill O’Reilly. “While I admire The Blue Republic for their Clintonesque slickness, I was appalled by its’ unapologetic liberal-bias,” remarked the neutral O’Reilly, who seeks balance in all things. “Quite frankly, they need a man’s man like Rex Kramer to set things right, and educate the under-conservative.”

Kramer assured his loyal base that he remains committed to report daily for Spurious George, and that his foray into the Land of Liberalism is a part-time endeavor. “My role at TBP will be to provide a weekly alternative to the nattering nabobs of negativity; my all-American heart, as always, remains loyal to the much-more-patriotic Spurious George faithful.” Kramer’s first column will not appear until Saturday, but he encouraged “SG-heads” to visit The Blue Republic in advance so that they “may know the enemy.”

CANADA: COALITION OF CONSERVATISM COMRADES!

Can Calgary Canuck Correct Country’s Commie-Coddling?

(Calgary) For decades now, Canada, a frozen wasteland of draft dodgers and socialized medicine, has suffered “hippie-ish” as a third language and the forced acceptance of every left-wingnut idea, from government-funded late-term abortions to equal rights for all citizens, even the female ones. Ever since the Clintonesque and aptly-named Liberal Party came to power, Canadian citizens have been burdened under a crushing 99% income tax rate, money the government often spent on anti-American initiatives such as “peace” and “health care.” Thus it was with great rejoicing among the world’s democracy-lovers that Canada today threw off her hemp-twined shackles and elected Calgary Conservative Stephen Harper the next prime minister.


“Finally, a Canadian we can work with,” beamed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who was often given the diplomatic cold-shoulder by the outgoing Paul Martin, possibly due to the color of Rice’s skin or the make-up of her genitalia. “While our countries have always had friendly relations, of late that relationship has been of the ‘let’s just be friends’-type rather than the ‘let’s get drunk and screw”-kind we both want.” Rice was quick to point out that in the analogy she described, America would be taking on the male role, and may or may not call Canada a few days after having sex with her.

Equally excited, but in a completely non-sexual way, was Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who sees the new Canadian paradigm as one that can only benefit national security. “No longer will those who would ignore America’s call for military service be free to sashay across the northern border into Clintonada, excuse me, Canada. When the draft comes, those who hate America but love their marijuana cigarettes and Mick Jagger music will be forced to hunker down in Mexico, or some other communist bloc nation.” Rumsfeld later clarified his otherwise accurate sentiments by stating that a military draft was not necessary, but that “all options are on the table.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan announced that President Bush called the prime minister-elect to offer his congratulations, as well as advice on how to govern a newly-conservative nation. “The President shared his tried-and-true formula for success: consult daily with Jesus, surround one’s self with patriots who think outside-the-box Constitutionally, and blame the liberals for everything. In exchange for this sage wisdom, Mr. Harper agreed to cede Quebec to Texas, and immediately deploy 100,000 Inuit to Baghdad.”

“NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND” PRAISED

Church-State Education Paves Way for Juvenile Salvation

(Tallahassee, FL) Ever the Christian soldier, the unfortunately term-limited Governor Jeb Bush will not allow Florida’s children to burn in hell on his watch. Thus it was with that family-oriented goal in mind that the man many assume (and rightly so) will be the next President vowed to ignore an activist state supreme court ruling that blasphemously called the school voucher system “unconstitutional.”

“Once again, the Jesus-hating judges, legislating from the bench, have shown their total lack of concern for the souls of young people,” plainly spoke Governor Bush, who is often held up as the model of effective parenting. “These heretics will only be happy when they have enlisted an army of children into the Legions of Satan.”

Florida’s school voucher system, incorporated in the “No Child Left Behind Act” co-authored by President Bush and Timothy LaHaye (author of the Left Behind series of Jesus-loving books,) allows children taught by unionized, leftist teachers at failing public schools to use state money to attend superior, private Christian academies. Only in such a setting, patriots such as Governor Bush legitimately argue, can a student’s education and soul be saved. “All of my children attended Christian schools, and look how they turned out. I have no doubt whatsoever that, after their career in politics, these kids will be heaven-bound.”

The governor’s concerns were supported by LaHaye, who says he was inspired to write the “No Child Left Behind” legislation after leading a Left Behind book club reading attended by President Bush’s twin daughters. “I thought to myself, sure Barbara and Jenna loves Jesus, but how can we make sure that all of America’s children are not left behind when the Rapture comes?” After much prayer, LaHaye determined that public schools, with their gangster rap music classes and after-school make-out parties, were the worst possible setting for students to receive the hell-averting Word of God. “This is why it is imperative that Governor Bush do the righteous thing and ignore the Florida Supreme Court’s ruling. Thank the Lord, his older brother has shown him the way in how to do just that.”

President Bush also lent his intellectual and spiritual gravitas to the issue. “You see, we need American children in heaven, not left behind here on earth after the rapture like those godless Chinese, or especially the French. Wouldn’t be right, you see. Jesus would get so pissed, you have no idea.” The president further argued that ensuring that no child is left behind also benefits national security. “By establishing an American majority in heaven, we will be better prepared to rid heaven of those who would do us harm. In heaven. I firmly believe this. May God continue to bless America. Especially in heaven.”

“PEACE GROUP” OUTED AS TERRORIST CELL

Domestic Spying Credited with Saving America

(Boca Raton, FL) Members of the misleadingly-named “Truth Project” were rounded up today by federal law enforcement after intelligence gathered by Constitutionally-endorsed domestic wiretapping revealed the group’s radical, America-hating agenda. According to FBI director Robert Mueller, the South Florida-based terrorist organization was actively subverting the security of this nation by engaging in unspeakable “anti-war” activities.

“Speaking for all Americans, I find it irresponsible for people to advocate peace when this nation is at war,” righteously opined the nation’s top cop. “If we are to win the never-ending War on Terror© we simply can not have rejectionists among us who give material aid and comfort to the enemy.” Citing national security concerns, Mueller would not disclose where the traitorous peaceniks would be detained, but a source inside the Bureau patriotically and legally leaked that the enemies of the state would be rendered to their homeland of Yemen.


Among those arrested was Robert “Hezbollah” Hersh, who gained national notoriety last month when his America-hating group was profiled by out-of-the-mainstream NBC News. In the liberal-biased story, NBC portrayed the “Truth Project” as an unjustified target of domestic surveillance, despite the fact that Hersh’s outlaw band openly confessed to a bevy of un-American activities.

“We’re talking about a brutal terrorist cell that advocates, among other things, actively dissuading red-blooded Americans from enlisting for service in the armed forces. If that’s not treason, I don’t know what is,” asserted Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who has a manly firm grip on the definition of “treason,” as he is known to own several dictionaries. Rumsfeld credited the Defense Department’s “Talon” program with the interception of freedom-hating communications made from Hersh’s Quaker meeting hall that led to the nefarious gang’s arrest. “Domestic surveillance is a necessary tool in the War on Terror©, not unlike the baby Jesus during the War on Christmas©. You simply could not have one without the other.

Amazingly, not everyone is mollified by Rumsfeld’s rational justification. The ongoing monitoring of all ACLU communications has revealed that the long-time America-hating group plans to issue a statement that condemns the Truth Project arrests. In addition, from a computer hard drive acquired from the anti-freedom group MoveOn.org’s Tehran headquarters it has been determined that they plan to order liberal lackey John Kerry (D-MA) to “make a long, boring speech” about the arrests.

BUSH: “PEACE IS FOR PUSSIES”

President Rejects Rejectionists’ Call For Truce

(Washington) In responding to Osama bin Laden’s pathetic appeal for a truce in Iraq, President Bush, a man of few words, issued but one: “Nuts.” In doing so, Bush honored the word of General A.C. McAuliffe, who refused to surrender to German forces in the Battle of the Bulge, as well as express his assessment of bin Laden’s mental state. “You see, peace is for pussies. That is to say, don’t mess with Texas,” explained the President, who knows that staying the course is the only course.

“Osama bin Laden’s sad attempt to pull us into peace negotiations only proves that the insurgency is in its’ last throes,” asserted Vice President Cheney, confirming what most Americans have known for some time. “His empty threats about attacking America, quite frankly, serve to show once again that his organization is devoid of ideas other than those that further the causes of our enemies. By that, of course, I mean he’s a Democrat.”


Bin Laden’s entreaty is not the first time he has tried to lull Americans into a false sense of national security. Many may recall that following the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center, President Clinton accepted al Qaeda’s “sincere” apologies and promises to “never do it again.” Such terrorist-coddling only emboldened the forces of evil who, in concordance with a secret agreement made with Hillary Clinton, waited until after the dress-stainer left office to attack America again. “Never let it be said that this administration did something based entirely on the fact that Clinton did it,” judiciously remarked Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, whose Justice Department has issued several warrants for bin Laden’s arrest, even though the marginalized Islamo-fascist hardly merits any thought on the part of the President these days.

“The fact of the matter is we do not negotiate with terrorists, especially when we have them on the run,” patriotically asserted White House spokesperson Scott McClellan, who has personally kicked much rejectionist ass when not defending the President from the idiotic questions of the America-hating mainstream media horde. “The President firmly believes that this is not the time to cut and run or for appeasement. Simply put, we must crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of their women.”

McClellan’s sentiments on behalf of President Bush were echoed throughout right-thinking America, but were naturally rejected out-of-hand by those who would have us kneel to Allah. “President Bush is missing a golden opportunity to forge an alliance with the Muslim world,” droned professional rejectionist John Kerry (D-MA,) who in the past advocated fighting the War on Terror© with boring speeches. “As you all know, I voted to bomb bin Laden before I voted against it.”

Photo Intercepted by the NSA from the Whiskey Bar.

SG: MORE PATRIOTIC THAN EVER!

Like the New Look? If Not, You Hate America

Note: Spurious George’s danger-seeking reporter Rex Kramer, when not listening in on his neighbor’s cell-phone conversations for evidence of America-hating, sometimes reads mail that was actually addressed to him. Today, he takes time out from his perilous duties of freedom-defending to respond.

Q: “Rex, what’s with the black-colored web page? It’s kind of morose, don’t you think? You’re not attempting to draw negative attention to the death of those who have perished fighting for our freedom in Iraq, are you?” –Dick C, Undisclosed Location.

A: Good point, Dick. Unlike the Cindy Sheehans of the liberal left, we here at SG choose not to mourn our war dead, but rather celebrate the ideals for which they fought. In that spirit, today we unveiled our new, more patriotic layout. You may notice that much of the type-face is still colored black, but this was done to honor one of the Republican Party’s greatest heroes, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Q: “What’s the deal with changing the ‘tag line’ under your blog’s title every day? While I embrace their patriotic messages, I also fear change (I also fear interns, but that’s another story.) Why can’t things stay they were, say, back in the plantation days?” -Hillary C, New York.

A: Hillary, the only change you should fear is the miniscule-possibility that some day a lesbian Senator from New York may inhabit the White House (these nightmares sometimes haunt my sleep.) As for the tag-lines, I believe they help keep the message of freedom-loving fresh every day. That said, sometimes it’s hard to come up with new material. Thus, why not submit your own idea? In fact, the SG reader who submits the best America-loving tagline will see it posted this Monday.

Q: “I don’t read much, but I know what I like. Reading’s hard, you see. That is to say, it’s hard to read. By that I mean there’s a lot of words, some good, some bad, some, well, I don’t know. Hard to say. May God continue to bless America.” -George B, Crawford, TX.

A: And may God continue to bless you, Mr. President.

DEMS TO BLAME FOR “ENTHUSIAM DEFICIT”

Baseless Liberal Attacks Intimidating GOP Voters

(Washington) These days, trade and budget deficits left over from the business-hating, free-spending Clinton administration aren’t the only kinds of imbalances patriotic Republicans are battling. Now, thanks to the Democratic Party’s use of the mainstream media to inflate alleged “scandals” and question the sheer genius of President Bush’s vision in Iraq, GOP leaders fear their loyal base has been saddled with “enthusiasm deficit” heading into the 2006 mid-term elections.

Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee, humbly admits that his party’s members must accept some of the blame for the malaise. “We must heed President Bush’s call for ownership for our own mistakes, and confess that patriot apathy is at least partly our fault in that we have failed to respond vehemently enough against baseless Democratic attacks.” Mehlman cited the recent over-blown Jack Abramoff affair as an example of Republicans losing control of the message. “While most Americans, at least the real ones, know that this Abramoff fellow is in fact Hillary Clinton’s lover and someone who more than likely murdered Vincent Foster, thanks to the liberal press some now are unsure if Congressman Tom DeLay (R-TX) is as honest as we all know he is.”

Another topic the out-of-the-mainstream party has blasphemously propagandized is the wildly-successful Operation Enduring Freedom. “It is unconscionable that politicians would use war for their own personal gain, and yet, the so-called Democratic Party has done just that,” accurately accused scandal-free Republican majority leader Roy Blunt (R-MO.) “We as a party must recapture the message that all of the successes in Iraq are our own, while every minor setback there was caused, as always, by nay-saying cutters and runners such as John Murtha (D-PA) and John Kerry (D-MA.)”

Still others are concerned that irresponsible questioning of terrorist-battling NSA wiretaps may have created the misconception in some that their benevolent Republican government is not entirely on the up-and-up. “Nonsense. The Democrats would have you believe that the government is listening in on the conversations of Joe and Jane Lunchpail, when the fact is in their pre-9/11 view of the world they fail to recognize that there are brutal terrorists who lurk among us,” remarked unindicted White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove, who recently returned to Washington after single-handedly rebuilding New Orleans’ 9th Ward. “That said, we are very concerned about telephone conversations made recently by Joe Lunchpail of Succasunna, New Jersey. Without going into details, I think he may assume America does not approve of the way he talks about his mother-in-law.”

Despite the liberal elite’s complete control of the mainstream media, top Republicans remain confident that their heartland message of smaller government, family values and personal responsibility will get through to honest Americans in time for the 2006 elections. “The Republican Party has always been about grass-roots word-of-mouth,” expressed champion of the common man Donald Trump. “As long as we have patriotic town criers like Limbaugh, Coulter and Hannity around to spread the truth, we’ll be a-ok!”

BIN LADEN RELEASES “PLAYLIST OF DEATH”

Osama’s iPod Favorites May Reveal Next Terror Plot

(Washington) While much of the mainstream media has been spotlighting the release of yet another tape recording of the attention-seeking Osama bin Laden, American intelligence officials have discovered a treasure trove of information regarding the marginalized America-hater’s latest plot to regain the notoriety he so pathetically seeks; a custom-made playlist of songs he has recently submitted to the popular iTunes store website.

The playlist, entitled “The Bitch is Back,” was submitted by an iPod-enthusiast who identified himself as “oBl_KiCkS_aSs,” a code name bin Laden has often used when chatting online with old college friends or instant-messaging John Kerry (D-MA.) Although at first glance his choice of songs appear harmless, albeit in a disturbingly freedom-hating sort of way, terror experts believe they may reveal the nearly-defeated al Queda network’s last-ditch effort to make themselves relevant.

“Like the serial killer that he is, Osama bin Laden wants to be caught, and he’s helping us catch him with these clues he’s left us,” expertly remarked Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, who raised the national threat level to “ultra-violet” and asked Americans to be afraid of everything for the foreseeable future, including their own shadow. While Chertoff described the songs on the “playlist of death” cryptic and indecipherable, he expressed confidence that an assembled panel on the world’s foremost authorities on modern music would soon crack the terrorist code. “That said, anyone out there who has any tips regarding the hidden meaning of these songs is encouraged to contact their local authorities, unless they are Louisiana authorities, who are of course incompetent.” Chertoff then presented a list of “Osama’s Favorites,” which Spurious George will reproduce below:

“Burning Down the House (White House Mix)” by Talking Heads
“Death of a President (Kill Bush Mix)” by Atari Teenage Riot
“American Idiot (Kill Bush Re-Mix)” by Green Day
“Fortunate Son (Kill Bush Re-Re-Mix) by CCR
“Devil Behind That Bush (Cheney Must Die Jam)” by the Cramps
“Bush Sandwich (Why Won’t Babs and Jenna Call Me?)” by Will Durst
“Evil Woman (Barbara Bush Mix)” by ELO
“Yankee Go Home (Rejectionist Mix)” by Richard Thompson
“Pop Goes the Weasel (Karl Rove Hip-Hop)” by 3rd Bass

From an undisclosed location, Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that if bin Laden’s song selection carried any meaning it was encrypted in such evil fashion that only Satan himself could make heads or forked-tails out of it. In the manner of transparency for which he’s known, however, Cheney agreed to release the contents of his own latest playlist, which he described as being “more patriotic that even Rex Kramer.” We here at Spurious George agree whole-heartedly, but will let our reader’s decide…

“It’s About Oil” by Amy Martin
“Oil of Christ” by Tiffany Gilkey
“Raining Oil” by Thomas Newman
“Big Oil” by Rain Dance
“Bombs for Oil” by The New Breed
“Fields of Oil” by Alexandre Desplat
“Oil Refinery” by Bad Grid
“Buckets of Oil” by Freakwater
“Hey Big Oil” by the Weirdos
“Fresh Oil” by Faith Davis

SG Readers Are Encouraged to Suggest Songs for Cheney in the Comment Section

LA COSA NOSTRA AXIS EVILA?

N. Korea Funds Nuke Program Via Mafia Tactics

(Pyongyang) In the Little Sicily section of North Korea’s capital city, young men from the Old Country make do as they have here for generations. The illicit gains earned from street-level crime and fraudulent schemes pay the bills while a percentage gets kicked up to the neighborhood capo. The captain in turn pays a share to the family boss, who then pays his respect in the form of North Korean Won to the godfather. These days, however, the gravy train doesn’t stop there; now even the godfather must give his due to the nation’s “Don of Dons,” Kim Jong II.

“Kim Jong Junior is Tony Soprano with nukes,” reasonably accused US ambassador to South Korea Alexander Vershbow, who, armed with a declassified report that identifies the rogue leader as the head of the world’s largest state-sanctioned criminal enterprise, responsibly called for North Koreans to take matters into their own hands and whack their disrespectful leader. “Clearly, he needs to be pulled from his spider hole at the Bada Bing before the US does it for them.”

Among the crimes Kim “Big Pussy” Jong is accused of committing are counterfeiting US currency, reproducing cigarette tax stamps, and hating America more, if possible, than Al Gore. While the last offense is clearly the most serious, the US Secret Service, at the behest of the State Department, has revealed that the other allegations may result in an arrest warrant being issued for the Kingpin of Korea. “I will not ask the UN for permission to arrest this criminal, as Attorney General Gonzales assures me that we are not bound by international law,” strictly interpreted Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “However, if I did, I would present photographs of mobile labs that clearly show that North Korea, in violation of international law, is loading dice and shaking down local bookies.” While Rice stated that military action against the axis of evil member of evil was not imminent, the world community should know that “all options are on the table.”


In more news sure to overcook Jong’s lasagna, the CIA announced today that via the British Secret Service it has been learned that Jong attempted to obtain from Nigeria counterfeit Sacagawea dollars that might be used to sabotage the nation’s coin-operated machinery. “With this act of econo-terror, Kim “Walnuts” Jong not only exceeds Jack Abramoff in the sheer scope of his insult to the Native American, he clearly intends to frustrate the American consumer in his attempt to purchase soda,” explained CIA director Porter Goss. “This in turn will divert the unsuspecting thirsty consumer to purchase Jong’s state-owned ‘Commie Cola,” and thus fund his dream of creating a mushroom cloud over every American city.”

While President Bush declined to comment on the ongoing investigation other than to say that Kim “Manson Eyes” Jong was probably guilty, his America-hating partisan hack enemies were quick to call for amnesty for the Don of the Demilitarized Zone. “Seriously, can’t we find some way to appease Kim Jong?” treasonously asked voice of the Democratic party Michael Moore, who lists among his heroes Neville Chamberlain. “I mean, it’s not as though he’s a Nazi or anything.”

GORE’S TREASON UNDER INVESTIGATION

Justice Dept. Consider Charges Against Former VP

(Philadelphia) A day after delivering a lie-packed speech in the same droning monologue that kept voters by the millions away from the polls in 2000, former Vice President and sore-loser-extraordinaire faces repercussions far greater than boring an audience to tears. “Citizen Gore’s questioning of the president’s commitment to the Constitution only served to give aid and comfort to the enemy, an act that is defined by the Patriot Act as treason,” strictly interpreted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, a man not known to paint with broad strokes. “As you all know, as an enemy combatant Ayatollah Gore can be held without charges for as long as he is deemed by the president to be a clear and present danger to the security. While we have not yet decided if this will be Mullah Gore’s fate, it must be said that all options are on the table.”

Gonzales further explained that Gore’s rabble-rousing rant would normally fall under the protection of the First Amendment if it hadn’t contained so many egregious lies that lowered his diatribe to a form of hate-speech propaganda. “What Imam Gore failed to disclose is that when he accused President Bush as being the original violator of the FISA Act he knew full well that President Clinton did it first.” Gonzales was of course referring to Bill Clinton’s implicit consent to the wiretapping of Jesus-loving patriotic Republicans in an unsuccessful attempt to thwart the 1994 “Contract with America” movement that returned morality to the halls of Congress. Gonzales stated that as a hate-crime, the Koran-loving Gore’s treason was aggravated, thus making him eligible for rendition to his native Yemen.

While President Bush publicly expressed sympathy regarding his former opponent’s continuing deluded hatred of America, White House spokesman Scott McClellan crystallized what all right-thinking Americans are thinking. “Al Gore’s hypocrisy knows no bounds,” the astute patriot repeated throughout today’s daily “America: Still Kicking Ass” press briefing. “I think it’s been established that the Clinton-Gore nightmare was rife with complete disregard for the law, much less that truth.” McClellan cited several instances in which Gore was in the past caught in a lie, including his famous boast that he had invented the internet.

As expected, the out-of-the-mainstream Democratic Party refused to condemn Osama bin Gore’s spitting on the American flag. Screeched DNC head Howard Dean in his usual falsetto voice, “I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that Al Gore is the greatest American patriot that ever lived. I mean, it takes a lot more guts to speak the truth than it does to, say, defend freedom in Iraq like those wussy Army guys”* Dean’s lunacy was echoed by a clearly-drunk Ted Kennedy (D-MA.) “If anything, President-in-exile Gore didn’t go far enough in criticizing the President. I mean, I didn’t see Laura Bush rushing from the hall in tears.”

CHENEY CONTINUES VICTORY TOUR

Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait Welcome Conquering Hero

(Giza, Egypt) Standing before the Great Pyramid made famous by its’ depiction on the US $1 bill, Vice President Dick Cheney could not but help but wonder what might have happened to the Egyptian monuments had America not stayed the course in Iraq. “If not for the ingenious vision of President Bush, and the brave resiliency of the American soldier, I have no doubt that Saddam’s face would now defile the stoic, freedom-loving countenance of the Sphynx.” The vice president then revealed for the first time that documents found in Hussein’s spider hole described an evil plot to invade and conquer the entire Muslim world. “Thus, it could be said, and frankly should be said, that the US saved Islam. Praise be to Bush.”

Cheney’s arrival in Egypt marks the beginning of the second phase of his “Victory Tour,” in which the vice president is reminding ungrateful leaders throughout the Middle East how fortunate they are to have a friend in America, and by extension, Jesus. During the first leg of his tour, the man who terrifies terrorists graced with his stern yet patriarchal presence Afghanistan and Iraq, two nations who might still be hating freedom if not for the US’ “tough love” form of democracy. On his current swing through the Middle East, Cheney will take time to thank leaders in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait for their steadfast dedication to freedom in the region, as well as secure their continued cooperation in any future war that may or may not involve a radical theocracy bent on developing nuclear weapons.

“I’m hearing rumblings out of Cairo regarding a call for a peaceful solution to the situation in Iran. Quite frankly, myself and Vice President, er, I mean President Bush find this unsettling,” remarked an emotional Cheney, whose parents are rumored to have been murdered by Iranian revolutionaries in 1979. “I feel certain that once I consult with him, President Mubarak will come to see that Tehran only understands force in the form of inbound cruise missiles. Unless, of course, he wants us to start looking for WMDs in his country.”

Saudi Arabia, a nation so grateful for the US’ protection in the first Gulf War that it has adopted the American model of civil liberties, eagerly awaits the arrival of their great American friend, and has gone to great lengths to make his stay as comfortable as possible. A spokesman for the Riyadh Four Seasons reports that a special suite has been appointed for Cheney’s visit. The “Vice Presidential Suite” is furnished entirely with items constructed of petroleum byproducts, and the oversized bathtub features hot-and-cold running crude oil. An Oxford-trained cardiologist will be on standby at all times, and amnesty has already been extended should the Bush administration be overthrown in his absence. “Of course, that is only a precaution,” quickly added the hotel official, who knows which side of his falafel is buttered on. “Everyone knows that everyone in America loves George Bush!”

Preparations for Cheney’s appearance in Kuwait are even more appropriately lavish, befitting the Defense Secretary who stood between them and a lifetime of Iraqi oppression. After paying his respects to the recently deceased Sheik Jaber Al Ahmed Al Sabah, the idolized vice president will be feted at a dinner with an Islamic Paradise theme, in which he will be pleasured by 40 virgins. The Kuwaitis will, of course, have a team of cardiologists on standby for the event. “Nothing is too good for Cheney of America,” appropriately remarked a Kuwaiti official. “Please, please, don’t bomb us.”

!!! BREAKING NEWS ALERT !!!

MLK Exposed As Closet Conservative

(Developing Story) As the MLK Day festivities wound down, the crack Spurious George research team discovered that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr was in fact a deeply-committed conservative, dedicated, and rightly so, to the defeat of secular liberalism. While we here would like to take credit for this obvious revelation, we must acknowledge the patriotic folks at the Heritage Foundation for their introspective look at King's true political leanings.

EVANGELIST NOW HATES AMERICA

Fading James Dobson Questions GOP Agenda

(Colorado Springs) Friends and family of Dr. James Dobson, founder of the influential Focus on the Family, fear that the formerly patriotic man of God may be succumbing to dementia. Only this, they argue, could explain for Dobson’s recent inexplicable attack on the Republican Party, in which the poor, deluded man accuses the party of failing to deliver on a promised pro-family agenda. Dobson, who prior to his tragic affliction worked side-by-side with the GOP in their shared vision of the impending Rapture, now says he feels betrayed by the party he says on gone “limp-wristed” in the War on Liberalism©.

“It’s obviously the Alzheimer’s, or possibly the medicine talking,” astutely pointed out Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN,) who as a trained physician correctly diagnosed Terri Schiavo as being “just a little sleepy.” Frist announced that he remains as committed to the morally-firm cause espoused by Dobson as ever, and cited as proof his recent support for fellow Princeton alum Samuel Alito. “I ask you, would someone who’s compromised his conservative orientation stand up for a man we all know is a racist who’s just itching to overturn Roe v. Wade? I think not.”


Frist’s sentiments were shared by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA,) a Dobson protégé, who has proven his family-friendly bona fides throughout his scandal-free career. “Dr. Dobson is a great American, but unfortunately, he’s a great American whose mind is obviously clouded by the ravages of old age.” Santorum quickly added that in his mentor’s honor he will introduce a bill that will make pre-marital sex a 1st degree felony nationwide, punishable by stoning. “Clearly, such a bill will negate the need for banning abortion. That said, just to be safe, we’ll go ahead and ban abortion.”

While Dobson’s brain may be as soft as Bill Clinton’s manhood while in the presence of his naked wife, his displeasure, no matter how unjustified, has rippled down to the local level. In Florida, where campaigns to replace the unfortunately term-limited Gov. Jeb Bush have already begun, both Republican candidates recently pledged to be “even more Christ-loving” if elected. Tom Gallagher has pledged to make the hunting of homosexuals legal (with a two-homo limit,) while Charlie Crist has promised that, if elected, he will complete the dismantling of the public school system.

Not all Republicans, however, have agreed to reaffirm their conservative, and thus American, values. Closet liberal Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has thus far refused to back down on his call for a complete ban on torture, despite the belief that such a ban would tie the hands of those on the front lines in the War on Terror©. “Once again, Senator McCain has shown his true colors; white for surrender and pink for, well, you all know the rumors,” patriotically stated Senator Frist, who is alleged to have once received a late-night call from McCain in which the turncoat propositioned the 100% heterosexual Tennessee titan. “I think all Americans look forward to me, or someone very much like me, kicking his liberal ass in 2008.”

LET SLIP THE BLOGS OF WAR!!!

“New Media” Endorses “Operation Iranian Ass-Kicking”

(New York) While the Bush administration, as is its’ custom, is taking a diplomatic approach to Iran’s nose-thumbing at the world, it is also taking into consideration the calls made by the fair-and-balanced media (and thus right-thinking American people) for awesome and shocking military action against the freedom-hating regime. As usual, FOX News is ahead of the pack in their patriotic call for more much-needed regime change in the democracy-challenged Middle East, but they are hardly alone.

A cursory search of web logs (or “blogs,” as the kids call them these days) reveals that a shocking and awesome amount of right-thinking new media-types are also on board for the liberation of Iran. Some have predicted the exact date the bombs will fall, while others have been kind enough to provide suggested targets. Policy makers argue that since the internet represents the grass-roots opinion of the populace, it is clear that the American people strongly believe the time has come to “bomb-bomb-bomb-bomb-bomb Iran.”


“The refreshing and yet frustrating thing about bloggers is that they can’t be influenced by unelected government officials,” accurately remarked disgraced vice presidential aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Ancient history buffs may recall that Libby, acting entirely on his own, provided off-the-record pseudo-classified information to loose-lipped reporters. “Believe me I tried, but it turns out access to sources, much less access to the facts, means nothing to these people.”

Even members of the journalistic elite praise the “vox populi” aspect of the blogosphere. “It’s refreshing to see bloggers get behind the war effort, instead of leaving all the patriotic heavy-lifting to the mainstream media,” cheered freelance freedom-lover Judith Miller. “I think we learned from the last wildly-successful war that it’s risky for the administration to rely entirely on information provided by the so-called established media, unless, of course, it’s the New York Times.”

While the White House has, for the time being, committed to seeking a resolution to the Iranian crisis through the UN Security Council, spokesman Scott McClellan reported that the President has not ruled out military action based on intelligence provided by the blogs. “We’ve gone to war with less, with obviously amazing results.”

MURTHA: ANOTHER JOHN KERRY?

So-Called Vietnam Veteran’s Purple Hearts Bogus

(Pittsburgh) To his credit, Rep. John Murtha (R-PA) never tossed the two Purple Hearts he might have earned onto the White House lawn in protest over the Vietnam War, but some now question, and rightly so, if Murtha deserved the decorations in the first place. True Vietnam Hero Don Bailey of Murtha’s home state of Pennsylvania, a man in no way bitter that Murtha defeated him in a 1982 Democratic congressional primary, is one of many who have stepped forward to challenge Murtha’s war record. “While I was fighting for freedom in the Delta, John Murtha, a REMF if there ever was one, was raping boys in the brothels of Saigon,” the completely-unbiased Bailey reported, using the colorful acronym applied to “rear-echelon mother-(censored for family values)” by real soldiers. “I have it on good authority that one Purple Heart was awarded for syphilis, the other for gonorrhea.”

Also questioning Murtha’s worthiness for recognition for wounds suffered in combat is World War II hero Harry M. Fox, who is absolutely not bothered in the least that Murtha defeated him in a 1974 congressional special election that made Murtha the first Vietnam “veteran” elected to the House. “Like another uber-liberal Democrat that shall remain nameless, John Murtha has time and time again touted his so-called “service” in his campaigns, despite never having stepped foot outside of the US in his life,” accused Fox, who, unfortunately, is in no way affiliated with Fox News. Yet. “From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, the valiant dead fart in John Murtha’s general direction!”

While reports of Murtha’s fraud have, predictably, failed to gain traction in the out-of-the-mainstream mainstream press, the patriotic Cybercast News Service (CNS) was the first legitimate media outlet to give Murthagate gravitas. “Murtha’s been on my radar for some time now,” avowed former CNS reporter and military buff Jeff Gannon . “Not only is he not who he puffs himself up to be, I can attest that he’s a true friend of Dorothy.”

Congressman Murtha’s patriotism was also called into question by no less of an authority than Ann Coulter. It is simply a fact that Democrats like Murtha are…not only traitors, they are gutless traitors.” Coulter, who knows a red-blooded patriot when she sees one, compared Murtha’s loathsome acts to those of another Democrat who dared to flaunt his own pathetic war record. “John Murtha and John Kerry share more than a party and a first name, they share a complete lack of shame.” Coulter is particularly disgusted with “PX heroes” like Murtha, as she often volunteers her time to tend to the wounds of soldiers returning home from Iraq and Afghanistan.

Murtha, predictably, has refused to release his military records to the media, citing “national security concerns” (ironic, since he gives aid and comfort to the enemy.) When pressed for comment, Murtha would only mumble that he had “fulfilled his obligations” to the Marine Corps. Murtha then entered his chauffeured limo, no doubt to search for a young Vietnamese boy among Washington’s notorious brothels.

GORE PLANS FOR TREASON

MLK Day Speech to Highlight His America-Hating

(Washington) Spurious George has learned that on a day set aside to honor a man who bravely fought to unite Americans against racist Southern Democrats, America’s lamest Southern Democrat intends to deliver a speech calling for further division in this country. Al Gore, often called the “American Sisyphus” for refusing to give up a lost cause, will on Martin Luther King Day disgrace with his presence the Daughter of the American Revolution’s Constitutional Hall, a room named after a document President Bush defends every day. While the former Clinton lackey has not released any specific details regarding the theme of the speech, those in the know assume, and with good reason, that it will be treasonous.

“Al Gore was wrong for America in 2000, he’s wrong for America in 2006, and should he decide to run another failed campaign for the presidency in 2008, he’ll be wrong for America then as well,” accurately asserted Rep. Katherine Harris (R-FL.) Harris, who as Florida’s Secretary of State in 2000 in no way influenced the general election that eventually sent Gore into a beard-growing five-year funk, believes that Gore will once again rant on about “hanging chads” and conspiracy theories. “Seriously, can we just move on? I mean, does Mr. Gore have to dredge up his X-Files stories on a day that celebrates a great Republican like Dr. King?”


Others believe that the self-described inventor of the internet will call into question President Bush’s reverence for the Constitution, an issue that the beyond-reproach Justice Department laid to rest long ago. “Despite the fact that 9/11 changed everything, we have determined that President Bush loves the Constitution more than any living American. Keep in mind, however, that 9/11 changed everything; everything, that is, except the President’s love of the Constitution,” averted Attorney General and 2005’s “Most Patriotic Hispanic-American” Alberto Gonzales. “To infer otherwise is irresponsible and only serves to provide aid and comfort to the enemy. The same enemy, I must point out, that changed everything on 9/11.”


Still others believe that the worst vice president ever will treasonously attack the President’s ingenious Iraq strategy. “Can you imagine what might have happened if Al Gore was President on 9/11, the day that changed everything?” nightmarishly hypothesized Vice President Dick Cheney. “We never would have been welcomed as heroes in Baghdad, New Orleans certainly would have been wiped off the map, and there is no way that John Bolton would be cleaning up the UN’s mess. I shudder to think.”

Despite all the tell-tale signs that treason is afoot, former conservative Republican Congressman Bob Barr (R-GA) has agreed to introduce sore-loser Gore at his hippie-fest event. Barr, who many suspect has suffered massive head trauma, was once one of Bill Clinton’s most righteous critics. These days, however, Barr operates an abortion clinic/head shop in Athens, Georgia that caters to pedophile unwed crack whore welfare mothers.

Whatever the topic of his babblings, most Americans refuse to allow Gore’s America-hating to interfere with their celebration of MLK’s achievements. “Did Al Gore make Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell Secretaries of State? No, George Bush did,” commented the historically-accurate epitome of conservative beauty Ann Coulter. “Cleary, from this we can deduce that Al Gore hates black people. President Bush would never use African-Americans for political gain.”

LOOK OUT, AXIS OF EVIL EMPIRE!

US Close to Perfecting “Death Star” Technology

(Los Alamos, NM) Pentagon officials today announced that, thanks to the Bush administration’s total commitment to science, any future armed conflict in which the US brings freedom to an oppressive Middle Eastern country that may have recently re-started their nuclear weapons program in defiance of UN resolutions and international treaties (a purely hypothetical scenario) will almost certainly be free of any American casualties. The reason for the justified optimism?

Lasers! Big, ass-kicking American lasers!

“These ‘lasers,’ or ‘direct-energy weapons,’ can be deployed in space, at sea, on vehicles, or even attached to the heads of sharks,” gleefully explained Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “Tell me, does America not deserve to be protected by sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads?” Rumsfeld opined that “shock and awe” was “so last invasion,” and said he committed to the program after watching the re-mastered edition of Star Wars, Episode IV.

While many aspects of the top-secret weapon systems remain, rightly so, shrouded in mystery lest they be exposed by irresponsible Democrats and thus give aid and comfort to the enemy, patriotic defense contractors described the program (tentatively named “Project Death Star”) as “more destructive than Bill Clinton at an all-you-can-fondle intern reunion.” While they stress that full dissemination of the weapons is years away, a spokesman for Halliburton Weapon Systems said that, if fully funded, an orbiting “small moon-like” platform could be operational before the end of President Bush’s second term, or at the very latest early in the President’s third term.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice hailed the weapon’s development as a new tool in the war on uppity terrorist states. “While we as a democracy are a peaceful, non-aggressive nation, theocratic states that thumb their nose at the UN must be made to realize that all options are on the table.” Rice expanded her diplomatic comments by defining one of the options on the table is frying every Iranian like a crispy blackened falafel.

Even chronic doves such as Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) praised the latest weapon in America’s freedom-loving arsenal. “I’m for anything that saves American servicemen’s lives, especially a full withdrawal of our troops currently deployed in (comments censored.)”

While Pentagon officials acknowledged that the price tag for the project would be hefty, they confidently have assured the President that Iraqi oil profits would more than cover the costs. “Besides, who can put a price on national security?” reasonably asked Secretary Rumsfeld. “Besides, as you all well know, 9/11 changed everything.”