REX KRAMER KIDNAPPED?

Missing Reporter Described as Tall, Dark and Patriotic

(Orlando) In a brief press conference, Spurious George senior editor Robert Bork today announced the words that no American wants to hear: Rex Kramer is missing.

Last seen in his office applying white liquid paper to the Constitution’s 22nd Amendment late into the evening, Rex failed to show up for work for the first time since the first Bush administration. Theories abound as to his current whereabouts; some believe he re-enlisted and is currently kicking rejectionist ass in Iraq, while others are certain he has rushed to the aid of Katherine Harris’ senatorial campaign. While it is possible he is standing guard on the Rio Grande against the Mexican horde, many are convinced (and rightly so) that God needed a patriotic angel, and summoned him to heaven to head up a divine think tank/lobbying firm.

In any event, the sole clue to his fate is a letter penned in red ink upon white paper and stuffed in a white envelope that was found on his desk among his many personal mementos donated by every Republican president since Ike. In it, Rex cryptically explains that he is taking a break for the purpose of “traveling the blogosphere, and bringing America-loving to the unwashed hippie masses.”

Law enforcement authorities and grammar geeks contend that “blogosphere” is not a real place or word, and that its’ inclusion in Kramer’s correspondence indicates that he is possibly being held against his will. While no ransom demands have been received, it is expected that the brutal hippies that lurk amongst us will demand legalized marijuana and an endless supply of Doritos.

LOW-TECH VOTING FAILS AGAIN

Diebold, Other E-Ballot Firms Vindicated

(Palm Beach, FL) Political wonks may recall that way back in 2000, then-candidate George W Bush’s landslide victory over über-hippie Al Gore was held by voters in the liberal bastion of Palm Beach County (Florida,) who, as products of a failing public education system, couldn’t comprehend a simple paper ballot. Despite the outcome of the election being a foregone conclusion, billions of dollars in taxpayer money (most of it obtained from over-taxed corporations) was wasted in re-counting the few disputed ballots, and the conspiracy-addicted mainstream media whined incessantly and slanderously about how the election was “fixed.” If anything was fixed, it was the outdated vote tabulation systems employed throughout the country, and who fixed it? Republicans, of course, with the patriotic assistance of the party’s (and America’s) corporate partners. Diebold’s paperless (and thus environmentally-friendly) voting systems were disseminated nationwide, and as a result, elections everywhere since have been 100% accurate and without controversy.

Except, of course, in Palm Beach County. Will the hippies there ever learn?

In a Magnolia Park’s run-off election, the electronic (and thus vastly superior) voting machines performed, like the Bush administration, flawlessly. However, absentee ballots manually tabulated in another election were mistakenly added to a Magnolia Park candidate, and the actual loser was initially named the winner. In addition, several provisional ballots were misplaced, and the thousands of absentee votes cast by the 109 citizen hamlet’s military sons and daughters may have been intercepted and subsequently smoked by Al Gore.

“What a debacle! Never in my life have I seen such a violation of the sanctity of the vote,” announced Congresswoman and former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, under whom the state’s elections have always been beyond reproach. Harris, who happens to be the prohibitive favorite to unseat unpopular Senator Bill Nelson in 2006, pledged that if elected, she would champion the mandatory utilization of infallible electronic voting machines throughout the US. “As we have learned yet again in Palm Beach County, voters can not be trusted with something as important as an election. Well, at least not Democrat voters. Paper ballots? Hand-fed ballots? Is this the Middle Ages? I’m not investing $10 million of my dead daddy’s money in my campaign just so some old Jewish hag in South Florida can mistakenly vote for the inferior candidate.” Harris further stated that she became convinced that technology was the answer to all of the nation’s problem when her Diebold© Mirror Mirror On the Wall 2000 told her that not only was she the “fairest of them all,” but also that Bill Nelson is gay and, possibly, a pedophile.

S. CAROLINA OKs EXECUTION OF CHILD RAPISTS

Democrats Expected to Side with Pedophile Lobby

(Columbia, SC) Emboldened by South Dakota’s new law that had banned abortion in all cases not involving illegal aliens, South Carolina’s state senate today passed a measure designed to protect the lives of children already born. The patriotic, pro-life legislative body that had in the past heroically voted to keep the Confederate “stars and bars” flying over the capitol and honor demolition derby as the state’s cultural symbol, made Jesus love them even more by approving making child rapists eligible for the death penalty. “Criminals who rape children don’t belong on Earth*,” stated the bill’s sponsor, State Senator Jake Knotts. “Only Democrats would think otherwise.”

This is not the first time Senator Knotts has taken a brave stance on a politically delicate issue. On September 12, 2001 Knotts, then the sole Republican in entire historically-Democratic state, made national news when he characterized the attacks on the World Trade Center as “bad” and that the perpetrators should be “punished.” On the eve of the US liberation of Iraq, Knotts broke with the liberal South Carolina majority when he opined that “we should support our troops.” Recently, he advocated the radical idea that “it would be great” if people stopped burning the American flag.

“Jake Knotts, like all Republicans, in not afraid of supporting an unpopular but necessary agenda,” testified GOP national chairman Ken Mehlman. “Bold ideas, such as cutting taxes, are what our party’s all about. ‘No ideas’ are what the opposition is all about. Why, I have no doubt that they’ll also say that they’re against the raping of children, now that Senator Knotts has already bravely championed the notion.”

As if on cue, prominent Democrats rushed to announce that they too have always opposed the sexual assault of defenseless minors. “Of course crimes such as these disgust us, but the answer is not expanding the death penalty, but rather giving what the offender really needs…a big hug and, maybe, a slap on the wrist,” weakly offered Democratic Party chairman Howard “Pro-Pedophilia” Dean. “Will killing Juan Q. Rapist restore little Sally’s dignity? No, no it won’t. Sure, it’s easy to take her side of the story, but does anyone consider the feelings of Juan?”

While more liberal Supreme Courts have inexplicably rejected the Constitutionality of executing sex offenders, supporters of the bill feel confident that the more patriotic and Jesus-loving Roberts court will see fit to rightfully expand the number of crimes in which the criminal is eligible for the death penalty. Remarked legal scholar and preserver of presidential dignity Kenneth Starr, “I, for one, would make perjury regarding the receiving of oral sex from interns punishable by the electric chair. No, no, make that the iron maiden. Yeah, that’d rock!”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

CLINTON TO STOP SPREADING AIDS

Ex-Prez Favors Mandatory Test for Fellow Deviants

(London) For whatever his word is worth, former President Bill Clinton today announced a multi-pronged plan for curbing the spread of the HIV virus in third-world areas such as Africa, Asia and Arkansas. As is typical with any “do-good” program proposed by liberals that caters to their shiftless unemployed base, the philanderer-in-chief’s plan would promote immorality, slash the profits of America’s most patriotic pharmaceutical companies, and cost the average taxpayer gazillions of dollars.

Clinton, his voice ravaged by the double-whammy of syphilis and oral herpes, ranting to semi-curious passersby while atop a soapbox set up at Hyde Park’s infamous Speaker’s Corner, called for mandatory HIV testing for communities with infection rates higher than 5%, a cut in cost for both HIV tests and anti-retroviral drugs, as well as sex education for children as young as a fetus. Critics contend (and rightfully so) that Clinton conveniently omitted the most logical ay to reduce, or even eliminate, the world’s AIDS cases.

“You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down,*” illuminated former Education Secretary William Bennett. “Applying that sound logic, if every homosexual in the world were to somehow vanish, I am convinced the AIDS rate would be zero.” When asked if merely aborting every homosexual baby would solve the problem, Bennett paternally explained that this scenario, while theoretically appealing, was impossible for several reasons. “First, abortion is murder, and murder is wrong. Second, as homosexuality is something learned from other homosexuals and not an inherited trait, it would be impossible to identify the deviants in utero.” Bennett did not advocate genocide (or more specifically, “mass homocide,”) but rather put forth his own humane and less costly plan to combat to gay pandemic.

“I propose that we make the homosexual more identifiable, possibly via coarse striped uniform with, oh I don’t know, a pink triangle prominently affixed.” (Note: In an unrelated event, a Heritage Foundation study recently revealed that this is the favored attire for most homosexuals.) While making the alternatively-lifestyled population stand out among normal, Jesus-loving Americans would help potential gay recruits avoid their sick treachery, Bennett admitted that it would also assist the same-sex sickos find their own kind. “Thus, we must contain them in some sort of camp where they can concentrate on their sins, as well as commit their unnatural acts on each other without risk of infecting the rest of us.”

Among potential sites for this camp is the entire African kingdom of Lesotho, where 27% of the population is HIV-positive, and which has yet to contribute anything to the War on Terror©. “Coincidentally,” remarked Secretary of Church and State Pat Robertson, “27% of that backward nation lays down with men, while the other 73% are Jesus-fearing Christians. Thus, I have it on the highest authority that only 27% of the people will be smited.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote. No, Seriously.

TANCREDO TOSSES SOMBRERO INTO RING

GOP Congressman to Make White House “White Again”

(Denver) Accurately describing the 11 million immigrants in the US “a scourge that threatens the very future of our nation,*” Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) announced that if his party’s presidential candidates don’t call for the immediate deportation of these freeloaders, he himself would seek the nomination. Asked if he believed he was a legitimate contender, Tancedo stated, “Why not? Last time I checked, illegal aliens can’t vote in this country…at least until, God forbid, the Democrats take power.”

Tancredo, darling of the patriotically-named Minuteman Project, represents the border state of Colorado (New Mexico is now almost completely in enemy hands,) a land vulnerable to attack at any moment. “They willingly ceded Colorado to the US following the liberation of Texas, but, being shifty Indian-givers, they now want it back,” alleged the Defender of Denver. “Thanks to our current porous immigration policy, sleeper agents have been filtering into my state for 150 years now. When they wake up from their siesta, everyone, even Republicans, will forget all about 9/11.”

The level-headed Tancredo underscored his concern for America’s future by championing a bill that would remove 4 stars from the US flag. “Texas, New Mexico and Arizona are already behind enemy lines, and after what we saw this weekend it appears that despite the governor’s best efforts, California has joined the ranks of North Mexico.” While the bill faces stiff opposition from liberal unionized workers in the illegal immigrant-powered flag industry, it served to open debate regarding Tancredo’s double-pronged plan for stemming the immigrant flow; a pre-emptive war on Mexico and construction of a “Great Wall of America” across the southern border.

“Not just any old wall, but one visible from space and surrounded by a flaming moat of imported oil,” suggested Tancredo, who often doodles sketches of such a construction when Congress is in session and Democrats have the floor. “It would be guarded by armed men, no, better yet, fire-breathing dragons! Yeah, that’d be cool! Anyway, while the cost of such a project may be a concern to some, I can assure you that profits made from the increased flow of oil in Iraq will more than pay for this necessary and patriotic endeavor.”

In an unrelated event, Halliburton’s Mythical Creature subsidiary announced that it is the only firm capable of delivering the vast numbers of fire-breathing dragons necessary for protecting our nation’s women and children from the Spanish-speaking horde. In anticipation of a well-deserved no-bid contract, the company recently increased production of the fearsome animals at its’ Tijuana facility.

* - Indicates actual quote

THE JOY OF REX (PART 1 OF A SERIES)

SG’s Celebrity Reporter Opens Up Without a Court Order

Ed. Note: Spurious George’s Rex Kramer made his internationally-acclaimed name by reporting the news, not making it. However, ever since being named to the Topeka, Kansas edition of People Magazine’s list of “50 Sexiest Conservatives Alive,” we here at SG have been besieged with requests for access to the super-secretive scribe. Humble as he is patriotic, Rex refused to draw the spotlight to himself, but finally agreed to sit down for an exclusive interview on the condition that a few requests were met. Specifically, the interview room had to be set to precisely 68 degrees, Rex had to be allowed to wear his favorite “Choose Life” t-shirt from the 1985 Wham! Tour, and the interview be conducted by this generation’s second-greatest journalist, Bill O’Reilly. His demands met, Rex sat down with O’Reilly in the George W. Bush suite in New York’s Waldorf-Astoria; what follows is the transcript from the first part of this historic exchange.

O’REILLY: “Wow, Rex Kramer! How long has it been, you old dog?”

KRAMER: “Too long, Bill, too long. Last time I saw you, you were single-handedly taking out that VC machine-gun nest outside Ka-Sahn. I owe you my life, my friend. By the way, belated congratulations on that Medal of Honor.”

O’REILLY: “Thanks, Rex, but I was only doing my duty to God and country. Speaking of awards, ‘Sexiest Conservative Alive?’ How’s that going over with Mrs. Danger-Seeker?”

KRAMER: “Honestly, I think she’s finally beginning to comprehend how lucky she is to have me. I mean, we’re talking about an honor that has previously been bestowed on such heartthrobs as Bob Dole, Pat Robertson and Robert Bork, and you know the kind of female groupies that follow those virile men around. I mean…wait…I’m getting a text message from Katherine Harris.”

O’REILLY: “Wow, ‘Kinky Kathy?’ Did you see her re-built yammies on Hannity and Colms the other night? My little soldier was at attention, if you know what I-“

KRAMER: (Reading text message) “I’d give $10 million to…wow! I didn’t know Republican chicks knew how to do that!”

O’REILLY: “Rex, you brought up Judge Bork’s name. You yourself have always been a strictly-interpreting, law and order kind of guy, and also one who favors freaky beards. How’s that working out for you?”

KRAMER: “Well Bill, I do my part as a humble police detective to keep the streets safe for law-abiding Christian folks. Sure, the pay’s terrible and the hours are long, but I feel that considering all that America’s given to me, I should at least-“

O’REILLY: “Whoa, whoa, Rex, I have to cut you off there. Humble police detective? In the days following 9/11, did you not save America from additional attacks?”

KRAMER: “Bill, you know I can’t talk about that, but yes, yes I did. If it weren’t for patriots such as myself, Islamic women might still be able to cover their faces on Florida’s driver’s licenses. I don’t like to be called a hero, but if you feel the need, by all means do so.”

O’REILLY: “I do so. Speaking of being worthy of worship, you have impregnated your wife three times now, and have yet to demand that she seek an abortion. Has the Catholic Church yet seen fit to nominate you for sainthood?”

KRAMER: “Sadly, no., and as someone who once studied to be a priest, you might be able to help me with that, Bill! Seriously, I have two lovely daughters who I call exhibit A and B in the ongoing case against baby-murder (note: these are their actual names.) A third child is on the way, and unless that child’s not mine, there’s no way I’d let wife play God with her own body. Not that God would ever kill a baby, of course.”

O’REILLY: “Of course not. Rex, America wants to know; if sainthood isn’t in the cards, what are your future plans?”

KRAMER: “You mean besides continuing to love America? I haven’t ruled out a future in politics, Bill. With Tom DeLay facing inexplicable ouster, the Republican Party needs another moral icon to see it through the next 1000 years of domination. However, let’s be honest, the pay sucks in government. No, I’m holding out for that coveted spot as a political pundit for Fox News. I’ve sent my resume to Rupert, so I expect I’ll be getting that call any day now. Hopefully. Because, you know, I could really use the money.”

Look for Part 2 of this ground-breaking interview sometime in the not-to-distant future. Maybe. We’ll see.

Ed. Note: Actual facts appear in black bold.

EVIL EMPIRE REJOINS AXIS OF EVIL

Russkies Gave Aid and Comfort to Saddam

(Washington) Due to the brilliant foreign policy carried out by the Bush administration, America was increasingly in danger of running out of enemies; that is, until an old one returned to fill the void. In an announcement yesterday at the Pentagon, US officials surprised no one who’s been paying attention by reminding patriots everywhere that Russia still hates our freedom. Specifically, Brigadier General Anthony Cucolo, who despite his ethnic name loves America more than any Democrat, revealed that a commie spy within the ranks (possibly Russ Feingold) provided military intelligence to Saddam Hussein during the exciting run-up to Operation Enduring Ass-Kicking©. “This act of cowardice is even more disgusting than the time I caught Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno making out in the War Room,” spat General Cucolo.

Citing national security concerns, Pentagon officials wouldn’t reveal exactly how the sensitive information was passed from Bolshevik to Baathist, but did indicate that the treachery was made possible by lax security measures left over from the Clinton administration. “When you get right down to it, Bill Clinton did it,” accurately asserted the apolitical general.

Focus now turns to identifying which freedom-hating hippie betrayed their country for a few pieces of silver rubles. “Personally, I’d take a long, hard look at the few bad apples among our troops,” opined Medal of Honor recipient Bill O’Reilly. “Can Michael Smith account for his whereabouts during this treasonous act? Does anyone know if Lynndie England was busy smoking and pointing at male genitalia when this was going down? I’m putting Fox Security on this case!”

“This could have all been avoided if we had never disbanded the House Un-American Activities Committee,” truthfully snorted ultra-patriot Sean Hannity. Hannity, a direct descendant of American hero Joseph McCarthy, reasonably believes it’s time for the application of a nation-wide filter of freedom-loving. “If science is all it’s cracked up to be, why can’t it come up with some kind of machine that can discern who loves America and who’s a liberal?”

In a completely unrelated event, a subsidiary of America’s favorite corporation Halliburton revealed the beta version of the “Patriotism Predictor 2000,” an infallible device designed to divine the level of a voter-aged subject’s loyalty. In cooperation with the good people at Diebold, these marvels of technology will be used to screen potential voters in the coming elections, as well as prospective patriots at the nation’s military recruiter’s offices.

This announcement was hailed by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfled, who became the first subject to submit to the test (and score a perfect 100%.) “While it’s true that you go to war with the army you have and not the army you wish you had, now we can at least go to war with the army that won’t sell us out to the commies.”

GOD LOVES RED-STATE BASKETBALL

Florida, Texas Other Jesus-Loving Schools Advance

(Minneapolis) Last night the University of Florida Gators' men's basketball team defended Jesus' honor against the ultra-blue Georgetown (Washington, DC) Hoyas to advance in the NCAA tournament. More importantly, our intrepid reporter Rex Kramer enjoyed a rejuvenating night's sleep, and will return to spread the truth of conservatism later today!

In the meantime, why not stop by The Blue Republic and learn why you should be afraid, be very afraid...always!

TOO POOPED TO PREACH

Rex Kramer Lets America Fend for Itself

(Orlando) After a 13-hour day of fighting for justice on the mean streets of Central Florida, Rex Kramer has had enough danger-seeking for one day. Thus, he will let freedom defend itself tonight while he watches his alma mater play in the NCAA men's basketball tournament (GO GATORS!)

WANT TO BE GOVERNOR? BETTER LOVE JESUS!

FL Candidates Compete for the Savior’s Favor

(Tallahassee) Although Jeb Bush was by far the greatest governor Florida has ever known, some (but no one on the Spurious George editorial staff) have questioned his complete dedication to Christian ideals. After all, homosexuals have been allowed to appear in public under his watch, and the Democratic Party has yet to be banned. Restricted by unconstitutional term limits, Bush will unfortunately be unable to fulfill his faith-based agenda…and this makes the Baby Jesus weep a little. However, Floridians who reject the blasphemous notion that they are descendants of a red-assed baboon have reason to rejoice, as those who would replace (if that were even possible) the governor have pledged to put a smile back on the Savior’s face!

Launching the first salvo in the Holy War for the Lord’s Approval was Attorney General Charlie Crist, who announced that he would, as governor, sign a South Dakota-like bill banning all forms of abortion. However, Crist, one consonant short of being the nation’s most Jesus-like statesman, later lost some points with the faithful when he specified that his version of the law would include exclusions for “victims” of rape and incest. “Hey, I love Jesus as much as anyone, and much more so than my opponent,” pled Crist. “But how can I serve Him if I’m not in office? While everyone in my state opposes abortion with every fiber of their Christian being, one can not risk alienate those who only mostly love Jesus.”

“Why doesn’t he just spit on the Virgin Mary?” asked fellow Republican Tom Gallagher, who many feel is building an impressive gubernatorial campaign on the rock that is Our Lord. “If we had a bill like South Dakota's and it came through the Legislature, I would sign it. No clarification needed*,” Gallagher bravely promised to an adoring gathering of white males in their 60’s.

From his office at the newly-created Department of Church and State (under which FEMA now falls,) Secretary Pat Robertson praised both candidates, and strongly hinted that both Jesus and His favorite son, President Bush, are pleased with their loyalty to a moral cause. “Jesus has spoken to me, and he whispereth in my ear that if the good, decent people of Florida elect either Brother Crist or Brother Gallagher, the Sunshine State shall not be smited this hurricane season! Praise him!”

As expected, the fringe Democratic candidates flaunted their hatred of Christ for all to see. “Politicians should stay out of the difficult, personal decisions about life and death that Floridians and their families face every day. It was wrong when our state leaders played politics in the tragic life of Terri Schiavo and it's still wrong,*” blasphemed cutting and running Congressman Jim Davis. Added baby-killing state senator Rod Smith, “I see nothing right now that tells me that we need to make changes to the existing body of law in this state.*” Fortunately, registered Republicans outnumber amoral Democrats 666 to 1 in the state, and thus Davis and Smith have as much of a chance of succeeding Governor Bush as Rush Limbaugh does for ever being wrong.

Somewhere, Baby Jesus is smiling.

* - Indicates Actual Quotes

NEW FACE OF DEM. PARTY: CRIPPLES!

Minority Party Exploits the Handicapped

(Chicago) Somewhere, former Senator Max Cleland (D-GA) is smiling (while still pretending to be a disabled veteran.)

Reaching a new low, the Democratic Party recruited a minority female who was allegedly injured in combat to run for the Congressional seat vacated by Republican hero Henry Hyde, then supported her campaign with illegal donations from disgraced liberal lobbyist Jack Abramoff. The result was predictable: hippie voters in über-liberal Illinois elected “multiple-amputee” L. Tammy Duckworth to be the out-of-the-mainstream’s nominee to represent the 6th District in November’s mid-term election.

Republicans patriotically reacted with justified disgust. “My God! Have these people no shame?” rhetorically asked Karl Rove, moral compass of the GOP. “Our party would never stoop to exploiting the war wounds of veterans for political gain! What next? Will their TV ads carry the America-hating images of flag-draped coffins?”

Unfortunately, this is not the first time the “party of no ideas” has propped up a cripple supposedly injured in battle to further their traitorous agenda. In 1996 the mainstream media assisted in duping the otherwise patriotic voters of Georgia into electing Max Cleland, a man so shameless he blew off both legs and one arms in a pathetic attempt to “earn” military credibility, to the US Senate. Thankfully six years later Cleland was exposed as a fraud (seriously…who picks up a grenade) by truth-seeker Saxby Chambliss, who ultimately returned dignity to Georgia’s Congressional delegation with his 2002 defeat of Cleland.

Even more despicable, the Democrats once foisted Bob Kerrey (D-NE,) a distant cousin and ideological brother of fellow faux-veteran John Kerry, upon the American public as a legitimate presidential candidate. Kerrey, who was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor thanks to Kennedy-like family connections for wounds allegedly suffered in Vietnam, was exposed as a fraud prior to the pivotal 2000 elections (in which a REAL American hero was elected,) and subsequently retired in shame from the Senate.

Of course, everyone knows that the Democrats’ pathetic abuse of the handicapped began in 1936, when party media consultants highlighted FDR’s so-called polio as evidence that he was a man adept at overcoming adversity, and thus the right person to lift America out of the liberal-caused Great Depression. This hiccup in history resulted in the US entering an unprovoked war with Germany, a lesson seemingly lost on today’s generation of America-hating leftists.

Duckworth, who could become the first crippled Thai-American female who hates her country to be elected to Congress, refused to pledge that she would not support an invasion of Germany, one of our most steadfast allies in the War on Terror©.

RED-BLOODED SCHOOL BOYS REJOICE!

Lafave Guilty Only of “Being Too Hot”

(Marion Co, FL) As anyone in the mainstream will attest, ‘child molestation,’ strictly interpreted, is defined as any disgusting sexual offense committed against a defenseless little girl by a twisted, sub-human adult male who was paroled under the Clinton administration. Fortunately, prosecutors in Florida do not legislate from in front of the bench, and thus agreed with this precedent when they dropped charges against teacher Debra Lafave for the so-called crime of having consensual sex with an underage male student.



Lafave’s redemption was hailed throughout the state as an indication that, maybe, not all courts hate America. “No one that pretty should ever go to prison,” reasonably claimed Governor Jeb Bush, who has kept true to his beliefs by only sending ugly men to Florida’s death row. “I mean, look at my lovely daughter Noelle. Had partisan prosecutors followed through with their trumped-up charges against her, she might very well be someone’s very attractive prison girlfriend.” The future president’s daughter has since gone onto a fabulously-successful career as a drug-free supermodel under the nom de plum “Kate Moss.”

“Oh my, the hot little number deserves jail about as much as Florida deserves six more years of disservice by Senator Bill Nelson,” commented Rep. Katherine Harris (R-FL,) herself a former Miss Florida and someone many’a schoolboy dreams of nailing. Harris, who knows the wisdom of “shake ‘em if you got ‘em,” hopes Lafave’s ordeal sends a strong message to the nation’s law enforcement officers. “Just because someone’s white and beautiful doesn’t mean they’re a criminal. Look at me; I’m white and beautiful, and I’ve never committed a crime…certainly not anything involving taking illegal campaign contributions, if that’s what you’re inferring!”

As for Lafave, her justified release means that she will not have to adhere to municipal ordinances sweeping the state that limit where convicted sex offenders may reside. The Orlando-based Nickelodeon Network took advantage of this development by announcing a :”Live with Lafave” contest, in which one lucky pre-teen boy will win a one-week stay with the Teutonic teacher at a Hedonism Resort. In addition, the Fox Network immediately obtained the rights to Lafave’s story, tentatively titled, “Hot for Teacher: Desire in Detention.” While no casting news was announced, Pamela Anderson is rumored to be the favorite for the lead role (with a cameo by Mary Kay Letourneau!)

Debra Lafave could not be reached for comment, but let’s be honest…someone that hot doesn’t have to talk.

SPEECHES, NOT BULLETS, WILL WIN IRAQ

Study: Victory Depends on More Patriotic Addresses

(Washington) According to the results of a study conducted by the nonpartisan Heritage Foundation any minor setbacks suffered by the US in our glorious liberation of Iraq were not the cause of poor planning or unexpected resistance, but rather the inability of the non-Republican American to grasp how vital our mission is. Always open to advice from outsiders, the White House has embraced this finding, and as always, has formulated a plan to address this oversight that will, of course, be flawlessly executed. The plan? More speeches! Not just any speeches, of course, but addresses crafted and spoken by America’s greatest orator, President Bush.

In advance of the President’s historic Monday address, White House spokesman Scott McClellan educated the hippies of the press corps as to why the President must constantly remind the American people that all is going according to plan in Iraq. “Oftentimes the progress that is being made doesn't get as much attention as the dramatic and horrific images of violence that people see on their TV screens.*” To counter this liberal bias in the media, President Bush will (as is his Constitutional right) commandeer the nation’s airwaves for government-approved broadcasts until further notice. In an unrelated event, Fox reported a 135-fold increase in its’ stock, and announced that it will soon hire another 5,000 patriotic journalists to meet the demand for fair-and-balanced news about our imminent victory over the freedom-haters.

On Sunday, the President offered a glimpse into the meat and potatoes of his planned addresses. The themes will include, ‘There is No Civil War,’ ‘Did You Not See the Purple Fingers?’ and ‘Look at this Shiny Object.’ (Ed. Note: The last of these themes is currently being developed as a fall Fox Network reality show.) While the President declined to provide specifics, he did indicate that his speeches will make prominent and exciting new use of the words freedom, America, Islamo-fascism, victory, and ‘troops.’ The last term will have the greatest emphasis, as liberals will be asked once and for all to stop hating them.

“Sure, everything’s going swell in Iraq, but this is no time to rest on our laurels,” accurately assessed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “I applaud the President taking on the thankless task of educating the hippies about our successes over there. Who knows? With that silver tongue of his, he might even convince a few to enlist. Not that we need more troops, of course.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

Ed. Note: The President’s speech can (no, make that “must’) be seen today on every channel on the dial, including the premium channels (a re-broadcast will be available during every scheduled airing of Bill Maher’s show.)

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI, PART DEUX

Tasty Morsels of Freedom-Loving for a Lazy Sunday

Ed Note: In this quasi-regular, semi-weekly feature, award-winning* journalist Rex Kramer updates you, the patriotic consumer, on the stories worthy of mention, but not important enough to merit their own column. In other words, the “red-headed stepchildren of news.”

US Declares “War on Pirates©”

Swashbuckling Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld this week announced the launch of “Operation Shiver Me Timbers,” designed to scuttle the rising tide of international piracy. The operation began in shocking and awesome fashion when a US Navy guided missile cruiser and guided missile destroyer guided a ship bearing the Jolly Roger to the bottom of Davey Jones’ locker. “Arg, swimming with the fishes, they be,” yo-ho-hoed Rumsfeld through teeth clenched on a short sword. The parrot perched on Rumsfeld’s broad shoulder further stated that the operation would also attack Chinese piracy of intellectual property, as well as ongoing butt-piracy activities in the showers of the nation’s prison system.

US Declares “War on Chickens©”

Competently dressed in a self-contained protective suit, Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff justifiably boasted that his effective agency has kept the insidious avian flu from penetrating our virgin shores. However, in a move made after consultation with the patriotic US Beef Council, HSA agents began the necessary task of destroying all of America’s poultry. “We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud over a local KFC,” reasonably argued Chertoff. The director, who grills a delicious steak (for which he shared his marinade recipe,) also concurred with the President’s reaffirmation of the pre-emptive strike doctrine, and commented that such a move may be necessary to keep the homeland free of freedom-hating viruses. “While we appreciate Israel and Egypt for their cooperation in the War on Terror©, they are now possible sources of infection for which the only cure might very well be a little shocking and awing. All options are on the table.”

US Declares “War on Imported Prescription Drugs©”

As drugs manufactured in the US under the patriotic watch of the FDA are of the highest quality, it has become clear that unwanted side effects reported by users of medications for sleep deprivation and Parkinson’s Disease were caused by inferior and possibly counterfeit drugs smuggled in from Canada. In addition, consumers of these “medications” report that the side effects include the unintentional violation of several deadly sins; Ambien users have experienced episodes of eating while sleeping (gluttony,) while dopamine addicts admit to engaging in unnatural sexual activities (lust) and excessive gambling (greed.) In response to the crisis, the administration created a new cabinet-level post, and nominated Rev. Pat Robertson to become the nation’s first Secretary of Church and State. Through personal spokesman Robertson, Jesus later announced that all drug users were sinners, and would be smited in due time.

* Rex Kramer’s awards include (but are not limited to) the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize eligibility list, a free order of fries from McDonald’s, and several Boy Scout merit badges.

SOUTH DAKOTA UNDER SEIGE!

Opposition Demands Right to Murder Babies

(Pierre, SD) If the chiseled eyes of first-Republican Lincoln on Mt. Rushmore’s granite face could cry, they wouldn’t…because Abe was a man’s man, and crying is for wussies! Still, America’s first great uniter can’t be pleased with the way hippies have threatened to divide this great nation with a proposed boycott of South Dakota’s vast plethora of tourist attractions. Although it has long been established that hippies will, with no shortage of free time due to their refusal to earn an honest living, protest almost anything, this most recent screeching is particularly galling. Believe it or not, the America-haters amongst us have taken offense at a heroic South Dakota law that bans once and for all the heinous crime of baby murder!

“What is wrong with these people?” incredulously asked Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) on a fact-finding mission to South Dakota’s inspiring Corn Palace. “First, they wanted Saddam to have nuclear weapons. Then, they were all for the burning of our sacred flag. Now they support infanticide?” Frist, as a doctor, knows what “infanticide” and other medical-sounding words mean, as he is a practicing doctor. “These hippies are outside the mainstream now, they’ll be outside the mainstream on July 1st (when the law takes effect) and will outside the mainstream on Election Day 2008.”

“I want to go on record as saying that I’m against the torture of babies,” bravely testified Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) while looking very presidential at the foot of Mt. Rushmore. McCain, who was tortured as a baby, predicted that by 2008 all fifty states would adopt South Dakota’s anti-baby-killing bill as a model. “If not, the President, whoever he is, should take the lead in bringing an end to the slaughter of innocents.”

Former New York City mayor Rudy Guiliani, who has seen firsthand the slaughter of the innocents, cruised into Sturgis on a Harley borrowed from a certain California governor to show his support for the baby-saving people of South Dakota. “After the towers fell, South Dakotans, um, South Dakotites, er, South Dakotians still came to New York to spend their over-taxed money. Some were, regrettably, raped. And yet, not one of the impregnated heroines lowered herself to murdering her baby.” Guiliani, who despite being from New York does not hate America, pledged that if he is ever the victim of rape and/or incest, he will follow South Dakota’s example.

During a brief break in keeping our nation free from terrorists who would kill our babies, America’s latest great uniter weighed in on this latest treacherous act. “There ought to be limits to freedom*,” announced friend-of-freedom President Bush. “By that I mean, you shouldn’t be free to kill babies. No, I’m definitely against that. May God continue to bless America, and especially South Dakota.”

* - Indicates Actual Quote

See More Patriotic Pictures of South Dakota today at The Blue Republic!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER EXCUSE

Rex Kramer's Absence Raises Questions

(Orlando) In a question once asked exclusively about Waldo, Carmen San Diego and "The Beef," the world is now wondering, "Where's Rex Kramer?" Is he in re-hab? Is he deep, deep, deep undercover? Is he marrying Angelina Jolie this weekend? The answer, SG readers, is slightly less exciting yet infinitely more patriotic; he's been attending to his primary (and only paying) occupation of Danger-Seeking Detecting! Last night, for example, Rex and his Good-Doing Goon Squad raided a seedy strip club (seriously,) where it seems that...you won't believe this...women show their private parts for money! While we can't confirm this, we here at SG believe this makes Baby Jesus cry.

In any event, after a good night's sleep, Rex has pledged to resume doling out democracy-loving diatribes at some point today. In the meantime, why not get your daily dose of Danger-Seeking over at the Blue Republic, where today you can learn if your own hometown is on God's "Smiting List."

ISLAM-SATAN LINK EXPOSED!

Pat Robertson Calls for Carpet-Bombing of Hell

(Virginia Beach, VA) Just as the Bush administration proved a link between America-hater Saddam Hussein and radical terrorist group al Qaeda, another great patriot stepped forward this week to expose another “straight line of evil” that joins two of the greatest threats to the American, Christian way of life. An alliance that was suspected, but never proven, was today revealed by future Intelligence Czar Pat Robertson, who proved beyond any reasonable doubt that Islam and Satan are determined to take over the world.

“These people are crazed fanatics and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power, it is satanic and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with. The goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination,*” announced Robertson, who said he discovered documents linking the two evil entities wrapped up inside an aluminum tube that was buried deep under Nigeria’s “Yellow Cake Uranium Belt.” Robertson, who voters inexplicably failed to back in his 1988 presidential bid, hinted that unless the 2008 nominees agree that “Islam in not a religion of peace*” he will be forced to seek the presidency again. “Under my administration, Holy Crusades would once and for all rid the Middle East, from the mangers in Bethlehem to the plains of Armageddon, of Satan’s chosen people!”

Robertson’s announcement was predictably cheered by those who hate Satan, and thus love Jesus. “I, of course, would join Pat’s Holy Army in the beat of a doomsday drum,” patriotically avowed enemy-of-Satan and former Attorney General John Ashcroft. “As A Christian solider, I would lead, from a comfortable distance of course...I’m a general, after all…the forces of Good in victory over the brown-skinned heathen.” Although completely unnecessary, Ashcroft proved his loyalty to the Lord by anointing himself in a vat of Crisco.

Ashcroft’s dedication was echoed by other Christian patriots with equally impressive military credentials, such as Vice President and “Hero of Hanoi” Dick Cheney. “We had our chance to defeat Satan in Vietnam, but namby-pamby peaceniks like John Kerry kept us from sealing the deal,” truthfully testified “Dead-Eye Dick.” Cheney, whose skill with weapons of death is the stuff of legend. “I’ve proven my mettle in the trenches of Da Nang, on the quail-killing field of Texas, and by golly and with God willing, will do so again on the wrong side of Jerusalem.”

When informed of Robertson’s finding, President Bush rightfully reassessed his earlier determination that Iraq presented the greatest threat to America’s security. “While I always suspected that Satan was behind all this crazy America-hating, Reverend Robertson’s in-depth research on the matter, thankfully reported in a colorful picture-book, makes it clear as vodka snorted off a stripper’s belly.” While Bush stopped short of outlawing Islam (as is within his War Powers authority,” he did advise that all Americans should “fear with every fiber of their Jesus-loving souls anyone with a turban” with the exception of rich investors from the UAE who wish to operate ports within the US.

* - Indicates Actual Quote

BUSH: RETURN TO WHITE HOUSE IN 2008?

First Lady Laura Mulls Extending Bush Dynasty

(Washington) Someday in the not-too-distant future, a former First Lady may very well serve as Commander-in-Chief…but it certainly won’t be that bitch Hillary What’s-Her-Face. Today in a stunning and yet somehow not unexpected or unwelcome announcement, Laura Bush hinted that America just may be ready for its’ first gyno-president. Lovely Laura needlessly added, “I'm voting for the Republican woman."

While not an official launch for the inevitable “Laura in 2008” campaign, her comments had many right-thinking Americans fantasizing about a dream Bush-Bush ticket in the next presidential election. “With Iraq continuing to be a spectacular success, and with his poll numbers skyrocketing, President Bush could bring much to a Laura Bush ticket,” lucidly theorized the completely unbiased George H.W. Bush. “Of course, should she decide to look beyond her husband to someone equally qualified, patriotic and handsome, there are other Bush family members who’d gladly step up to the job, by golly. I’m just saying…you know, retirement can be so lonely.”

Other Washington insiders praised the idea of Laura re-decorating the White House until 2016. “I, for one, think the First Lady would be greeted as a hero, and not a conqueror should she decided to run,” predicted hero Dick Cheney. “Should she need someone to head up the search for a worthy running mate, well, I know just the guy.”

“She is, like, so cool!” gushed Jenna Bush, a prospective Supreme Court nominee should Ruth Baden Ginsburg ever, God forbid, die. “Believe me, mom found my fake ID in a puddle of my own vomit; if she was queen of America, that Osama meanie would, like, be so caught.” Added voice of her generation and potential Secretary of State Barbara Bush (the hot one, not the old one,) “If mom ruled the world, I’d still be able to travel to way-cool places! Plus, I’d still get those Secret Service studs to, like, follow me everywhere. One is, like, sooooo cute!”

Outside of the beltway, supporters eagerly lined up to praise a Laura Bush presidency. “She would continue to bring honor and dignity to the White House, which lost so much honor and dignity with the last president. Clinton, I mean,” testified Florida Governor Jeb Bush. “Frankly, I think her career should be taking care of my Georgie, but I suppose if she must work she may as well stick to the family business,” quipped patriotic private citizen Barbara Bush (the old one.) Independent businessman Neil Bush, in a telegram from his Dubai office, announced he and his Mid-East friends, “Stand behind Bush STOP Will send money STOP What’s the latest on the port deal? STOP.”

While the First Lady, like most in the Bush clan, is coy about her bright political intentions, an exploratory committee has been created to gauge exactly how much America loves her (i.e. a lot, or super-much.) Donations for her campaign, in increments of $10,000, are being accepted temporarily at the “Re-Elect Tom DeLay” fund.

KATHERINE HARRIS, PERSECUTED MINORITY

Overt Discrimination Unfairly Harming Senate Bid

(Long Boat Key, FL) Despite their long ago-disproved claim of representing the downtrodden, it appears the baseless and hurtful accusations Democrats have hurled at patriotic princess Katherine Harris (R-FL) may have forced the former beauty queen to forego what most concede would have been a successful challenge to Sen. Bill Nelson’s seat. Bowing out from the recent Southern Republican Leadership Council meeting in Memphis, Harris declared in that lilting, debutante falsetto of hers, “Unfortunately, I am unable to join you this weekend, as I prayerfully prepare with my family, friends and advisors to finalize the strategy for a major announcement next week concerning my candidacy for the U.S. Senate.” (Note: SG consulted the definitive Goldwater Conservative Dictionary, and determined that “prayerfully” is not only a word, it’s a Jesus-approved one.)

While her brief statement was in no way a legally-binding notice of withdrawal from the race, sources close to the situation have revealed that Harris, a demure flower of delicate Southern womanhood, has grown weary of liberals’ constant and unfounded criticism. “It all started in 2000, glorious 2000,” reminisced rock of support Karl Rove. “The out-of-the-mainstream media used altered photos of her that made comely Katherine look like Cruella De Ville. I mean, have you ever seen someone with a political axe to grind stoop so low?”

Harris, who as a white, female Christian benefactor of a millionaire grandfather has long known the sting of discrimination. “Democrats inexplicably hated Katherine log before 2000; in fact, it all started with her first Florida Senate run in 1994,” recalled family friend and future President Jeb Bush. “Back then, they baselessly accused her of taking $20,000 in illegal contributions from Riscorp, then later supporting legislation favorable to that wonderful institution. Now they claim she’s again taken dirty money. Clearly, the Democratic Party hates women.”

Of course, the most direct incident of Harris-hating was personified in Floridian freedom-hater Barry Seltzer. Seltzer, who many believe was contracted by Gore loyalists, attempted to run over Harris and millions of her supporters at a Sarasota pep rally/prayer breakfast. Seltzer was subsequently convicted and rendered to Yemen, but not before being allowed to serve as John Kerry’s Florida campaign chairman.

Harris’ persecution brought statements of support from throughout the nation. South Dakota governor Mike Rounds lamented Florida’ lack of support for women, and pledged that if Harris chose to relocate to his state, “she would be worshipped as a goddess, unless, of course, she wanted an abortion.”

WATER, NOT LIFE, FOUND IN SPACE

Earth, God’s Favorite Planet, Still Center of Universe

(Houston) Secular, Jesus-hating NASA scientists are as giddy as Ted Kennedy at an open bar these days. On Thursday the eggheads announced that they had detected water erupting from one of Saturn’s moons, and on Friday they acted as if they, and not God, should be praised for inserting a satellite into Mars’ orbit. Left unsaid was the obvious; that without God, there would be no water, no Mars, no NASA, and no higher-being rejectionist scientists.

“Once again, the lab coat geeks show their true, pink-o colors,” righteously commented former NASA intelligent designist George Deutsch. “Could science have created Saturn’s rings? Could Darwin have brought from nothingness black holes and supernovae? Do hippies possess the power to move the earth and sky? No, no, and no. Only God, or possibly President Bush, could do that.” Deutsch, a persecuted Christian if ever there was one, lost his position at NASA when atheist astronomers challenged his correct assessment that the Big Bang theory is just that…a theory. “I guess hard-headed scientists can’t deal in theory,” theorized Deutsch.

“Big whoop-de-do,” intelligently commented America’s foremost expert on Jesus’ brand of science Pat Robertson when informed of the latest so-called scientific discoveries. “Water on one of Saturn’s moons? If memory serves me, we found water on our own moon and the missionaries we’ve sent there to convert the local savages have yet to find a single little green man. Clearly this proves beyond any shadow of reasonable doubt that the universe revolves around the Earth, and that the Earth revolves around Jesus Christ.”

Equally unimpressed was Senator (and future President) Rick Santorum (R-PA.) Santorum, chairman of the Senate Intelligent Design sub-committee, questioned the practical uses for water on Enceladus’ icy -307 degree surface. “Can you baptize a repentant abortionist in that water? Can you wash away the sins of cutters and runners in water that cold? Sure, Jesus could walk on that water, but so could Ted Kennedy; it’s frozen!” Santorum, whom some rejectionists erroneously believe is at risk of losing his Senate seat this year, promised that, if re-elected, he will introduce a bill banning future exploration of space. “Jesus doesn’t like it when we probe the heavens. As you know, heaven is reserved for the faithful, and a deep-space probe, like a Democrat, lacks a soul.”

President Bush, informed of the discovery by newest scientific advisor Kenneth “Kenny Boy” Lay, expressed doubt that the liquid seen erupting from the surface of Enceladus is in fact water. “We have an old saying in Texas that says, ‘fool me once, shame on me.’ No wait, that’s not it. It’s, ‘if it gushes from the ground, it must be oil!’ I should point out that Encelay, er, Encyclo, um, Saturn’s moon, is not America. That is to say, it’s foreign, and y’all know how I feel about foreign oil.” While not proposing an invasion of Enceladus, Bush went on record as saying, “all options are on the table.”

SICK CHILDREN HATE OUR FREEDOM

Youngest Danger Seeker's Patriotism Questioned

(Orlando) We here at Spurious George World Headquarters apologize to our loyal base for the recent less-than-regular output from our ace reporter, Rex Kramer (Danger-Seeker.) His unverified excuse this time is that his youngest Danger-Seeking Daughter became ill this week, possibly from touching a hippie, and required his constant care. The good news is that the Petite Patriot is again the picture of all-American health, and that tonight Rex will resume educating the unwashed masses.

TAKE A BOW, HIPPIES!

SG Recognizes Our Regular Readers’ Koufax Nods

(Orlando) We here at fair-and-balanced Spurious George World Headquarters give credit where credit’s due…even when the recipient of that credit hates America with every fiber of his or her tie-dyed being. In that spirit, today we recognize the rejectionists among you who have been “honored” with a nomination for a Koufax Award (voting open now at Wampum.) Listed below are the nominees in each category, a comment on each by our own Rex Kramer, as well as a special treat…an additional comment by Rex’s black sheep hippie brother, Kryptonite Kramer.

BEST BLOG (NON-PRO)

Agitprop

Rex: This blog has as its’ photo-icon a still from Dr. Strangelove, one of the most America-hating films of all time. Disgusting!

Kryptonite: Oh, Rex! Get over your Hollywood-bashing! I thought you’d be happy that Brokeback Mountain lost!

The Heretik

Rex: This site moves more than Hillary Clinton!

Kryptonite: For a man, H writes beautifully. Lyrical, almost. I’m moved to tears at times.

Rex: You’re such a pussy.

BEST COMMENTER

Comandante Agi

Rex: He’s a Californian. Need I say more?

Kryptonite: Rex, I live in California!

Rex: Exactly.

Rex Kramer AND Danger Seeker

Rex: So patriotically nice, I had to be nominated twice!

Kryptonite: Mom still liked me best.

MOST HUMOROUS BLOG

Agitprop

Rex: There’s nothing funny about America-hating.

Kryptonite: You were dropped on your head, weren’t you?

The Blue Republic

Rex: Can you believe these hippies were nominated BEFORE I made them more fair and balanced?

Kryptonite: I read it every day…except for Saturday.

The Heretik

Rex: Another multiple-nominee. Just goes to show there’s only about 5 lefty blogs out there.

Kryptonite: Jealous much?

Neil Shakespeare

Rex: Exhibit #1 that drugs and blogging don’t mix.

Kryptonite: Go Mambo Sven!

Pime Forest Collective

Rex: What the hell’s a “pime?”

Kryptonite: Um, I have no idea. German for “funny?”

MOST HUMOROUS POST

Neil Shakespeare: New Jesus Monument Sparks Controversy

Rex: Mocking Jesus is funny?

Kryptonite: Sure! I mean, have you seen his shoes?

BEST GROUP BLOG

The Defeatists

Rex: With a name like that, it has to hate America.

Kryptonite: Weren’t you a defeatist when it came to getting a date?

Rex: I’m so going to kick your ass!

BEST WRITING

The Heretik

Rex: Sweet Jesus, again?

Kryptonite: It’s called ‘talent,’ Rex. Look it up.

Rex: In a dictionary? Not in this lifetime!

Neil Shakespeare

Rex: Are you frigging kidding me?!? Neil compares Bush to Satan!

Kryptonite: What do you mean, ‘compares?’

DESERVING OF WIDER RECOGNITION

The Blue Republic

The Defeatists

Neil Shakespeare

Rex: Great. Just what these hippies need…more attention.

Kryptonite: Oh, look who’s talking, “Mr. Chin Lift!”

Ed Note: This column in no way signifies Spurious George’s endorsement for any nominee. To do so would only give aid and comfort to the enemy. Also, if we neglected to list any of your nominations, well, be glad that you weren’t included in this America-hating bunch (but still, let us know and we’ll fix it.)

Kryptonite's Final Word: I don't pray, but I'll be meditating for all of you (well, except for Rex. Recognition only encourages his kind.) Good luck!

Rex' Final Decree: People, the Koufax Awards are for amatuers! For real hard-core America-hating, look no further that the aptly named "America-Hating Awards" (A-HAs)...coming soon!

TREASON, THY NAME IS CONGRESS!

Uppity House Republicans Cut and Run on Port Deal

(Washington) Giving aid and comfort to the enemy, so-called loyal Republicans of the House Appropriations Committee today moved dangerously close toward treason when they failed to wholly support the transfer of a few minor ports to our allies in the War on Terror© in the UAE. The inexcusable lack of fealty to our nation’s infallible president was predictably championed by anti-Arab Democrats, but was inexplicably joined by previously patriotic Republicans such as Bill Young (R-FL.) “One of the most vulnerable situations facing America is our ports of entry,*” exaggerated the fear-mongering Congressman. “Whoever’s responsible for those ports of entry should be American.*”

Young’s racist remarks were rejected by White House press secretary Scott McClellan, whose family emigrated to America from Dubai’s “Irish Quarter” only after it was discovered that potatoes grow poorly in the sand. “Frankly, after 18 terms in the House, I would expect Congressman Young would have a little more tolerance for people different from himself.” Despite Young’s arab-phobia, McClellan pledged that President Bush sincerely hoped that Congress would soon see the error of their ways. “We’re continuing to work closely with Congress*, even if they’re a bunch of corrupt, lobbyist-coddling poll-readers.”

White House assistant chief of staff Karl Rove, an apolitical appointee, echoed McClellan’s accusation. “Clearly, the House’s treachery is, I’m ashamed to say, politically motivated.” According to Rove most Americans, not thoroughly convinced that it was Iraqis and not citizens of the America-loving UAE that flew the planes on 9/11 (the Day that Changed Everything©,) falsely believe that the UAE may not guard our ports with fanatic zeal. “As a result, some fair-weather Congressmen feel that doing the right thing and heeding their Commander-in-Chief’s wishes will affect their re-election prospects. Frankly, I find this kind of fear-mongering pandering offensive.”

President Bush, taking time away from accurately blaming Congress for the lack of progress in re-building the Gulf Coast, threatened to veto any bill that puts the kabob on the port deal. “It has come to my understanding that I can veto stuff. That is to say, I have the authority to veto. That’s a funny word, isn’t it? Veto, veto, veto! Hehehe. Victor Veto and Freddy Vasco ate a burrito with Tabasco! May God continue to bless America!” Although the Senate and the House believe they have enough votes to override the President’s veto, Bush has been assured by the Attorney General’s office that he has the Constitutional authority, in times of war, to override the override based upon the historical precedent of “Cause I Say So.”

* - Indicates actual quote (See? We here at SG don’t make EVERYTHING up!)

THE TORTOISES AND THE HAMMER

Tom DeLay Confident Opponents Offer No Challenge

Proving that he is in now way influenced by Washington lobbyists, Rep. Rom DeLay (R-TX) will attend an election-day fundraiser on his behalf, hosted by Washington lobbyists. Today, while registered Republicans in Texas’ 22nd District go to the polls to carry out the mere formality of re-nominating the popular Congressman, DeLay will be feted in DC by GOP power couple Bill Paxon and Susan Molinari. "I think he will win relatively easily and without a runoff," said Carl Forti, communications director for the National Republican Campaign Committee. “Although his so-called opponents are Republicans, they love America significantly less than Tom DeLay.

A dismissing glance at the competition only supports Forti’s accurate assessment. Pat Baig is a retired teacher who, like all teachers, is loyal above all else to the socialist National Education Association. Mike Fjetland, a Texas attorney who could benefit his clients by going quail-hunting with the Vice President, is making his fourth attempt to unseat DeLay, and America has made it quite clear that she hates a loser. The third and most America-hating candidate is another attorney, Tom Campbell. Campbell appears to be running on an “I’m not Tom Delay” platform, which is a questionable strategy, given that most men would kill to be DeLay. In fact, it is rumored that the “Sugarland Sugar Daddy” is being considered by People magazine as 2006’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

Asked if his absence from his home district on election night sent the wrong message to his constituents, DeLay dismissed the suggestion as the former exterminator would a cockroach. “Those lemmings? Are you kidding me? I’ve been investigated, indicted, and censured, and STILL those idiots worship me as a god. No, make that ‘God” with a capital G, and I don’t care if the Bible-thumpers don’t like it. I could skull-fuck the Virgin Mary on Christmas Eve, and they’d still line my pockets thanks to that veggie Terri Schiavo”

Washington insiders, even the Democratic ones, believe DeLay will emerge from today’s primary with nary a scratch. In the November mid-term elections, DeLay will most likely crush the Democrat’s latest sacrificial lamb, and subsequently re-assume a House leadership position once the Republican majority is expanded, the charges against him are exposed as the partisan hack-job that it is, and Jack Abramoff is swimming with the fishes. To top it off, there are rumblings that come next March, DeLay may be accepting an Oscar for his performance in an exciting new documentary. “I haven’t actually seen it yet, but I hear it’s very flattering,” remarked DeLay at his $1,000 a plate fundraiser. “I mean, how can it not be? I’m the Hammer, baby!”

Update: DeLay crushes his enemies, sees them driven before him, and hears the lamentations of their women!

“MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR” FAILS DARWIN’S THEORY

“Hippie Chimp” Going Way of the Dodo

(The Congo) Listen, if you must, to your average hippie, and it might babble on about how “all you need is love” or theorize in a blasphemous way how “love makes the world go ‘round.” This same God-less subspecies would no doubt attempt to poison your mind with something called the “theory of evolution,” which, in layman’s terms, means that humans are not of divine creation but rather a random descendant of a red-assed baboon. And while their little fantasies may be entertaining, they fail to stand up to a little something called “God’s will,” as evidenced by the near-extinction of the “hippie chimp.”

The “hippie chimp,” or as it is commonly known in the Congo, lunch, was once held up by the Abbie Hoffman-set as the model by which we, the vastly superior human race, should pattern our behaviors. While the ape’s failure to use any personal hygiene products would in itself qualify it for worship by the liberals, hippies claim that the monkey’s primary attribute is that it resolves differences not through violence, but rather via casual and without-consequence sex. The female chimp, or “Bonobo” (named after a 70’s singer who was killed by a tree and a contemporary singer who thinks, treasonously, that we should just “forgive” third-world debt,) produces but one child every five years, which proves that when you get down to it, nobody wants to have sex with a hippie.


It appears now that these pacifist primates, who like their human counterparts enjoy “expanding their mind” through intoxicants, are, unlike the aforementioned superior human race, on the brink of extinction. While tenured America-hating “scientists” who study these apes blame poaching for the population’s decline, other, more Jesus-loving experts offer more rational explanations. “These lazy monkeys have no jobs,” rightfully asserted simian-labor authority Bill O’Reilly. “If you ask me, and trust me, many do, these apes would be much better off if they’d enlist as lab animals. It’s an honest living, one many Mexicans would literally kill for. Besides, those cosmetics aren’t going to test themselves! Do the hippies suggest that someone like Katherine Harris should subject herself to being sprayed in the eyes with hair spritzer?”

Others with their finger firmly placed on Jesus’ pulse see the bigger picture. “For a century now the liberal elite have forced down our throats the absurd idea that the human race ‘evolved’ from lesser beings,” scoffed Rev. Pat Robertson, a man not prone to using the suffering of others to promote his own cause. “And now we learn that this so-called ‘peace primate’ is on the brink of vanishing, while God-fearing sons of Adam continue to not only thrive but kick serious Iraqi ass? Well, you can just chalk up a big win for intelligent design!”

Meanwhile President Bush, who in no way resembles a monkey, expressed remorse for the hippie monkey’s plight, but insisted that there was no way to foresee the ape’s extinction. “If there had,” commented the President with just the right amount of gravitas, “I would have moved heaven and earth to save them. That, or just sent in Michael Brown to save the day!”

Rex Kramer wishes to take this time to thank those who have passed along their best wishes for Mrs. Danger-Seeker’s pregnancy, and wants to assure you that, boy or girl, Baby Danger-Seeker will be loved…as long as it’s not some kind of hippie monkey.

PATRIOTIC POTPOURRI

Random Rants from the Red States

Ed. Note: We here at SG World Headquarters never sleep. Well, our executives and ace reporters (such as Rex Kramer) do, but our junior editors, fact-checkers, and interns? Never! They comb through hundreds of freedom-loving stories each week so that our online talent can bring you, the SG reader, only the best America has to offer. That said, at the end of the week we often find that a few notes of interest slip through the cracks. None of these items are worthy of, say, a column from award-winning* journalist Rex Kramer, but nevertheless we vow that every Sunday we’ll collect them up in a small pile a patriotism and deliver them straight to you.

SG Hearts Corporate America!

Those hippies at Lose the Noose may not appreciate that the business of America is business, but we here at SG know that there’s no business like big business! Didn’t get enough of Rex Kramer’s love for all things corporate in yesterday’s column? Learn more about how there’s nothing more American than baseball, apple pie and corporate sponsorship in this week’s Kramerica©, available only at The Blue Republic!

Honor Just to be Nominated, My Ass!

Oscars, schmoscars! Everyone knows Jon Stewart’s a bleeding-heart hack, Joan Rivers is so old her Social Security number is “2,” and that movie about gay cowboys eating pudding is going to win everything. No, the big news on the awards circuit is that Spurious George was nominated not for one, but (possibly erroneously) TWO Koufax Awards. Granted, the nominations come under the category of “Best Commenter,” which is the Koufax equivalent of “Best Key Grip in a Documentary about Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding,” but as a small voice of patriotism in the sea of hippies that is the leftist blogosphere, we’re happy for any scrap of recognition we can get.

P.S. Whoever nominated us needs to step forward and accept their bribe money, er, due gratitude.

Spreading the Seed of Patriotism!

Mrs. Danger-Seeker, like her husband a rejectionist of Jesus-hating birth control, is again with child. As SG World Headquarters if flush with freedom-lovers of the feminine persuasion, we (ok, Rex) ask for you to join us in praying for a son. Plus, it’s never too early to start contributing to his campaign funds, so, you know, give til’ it hurts. Oh, and we’d welcome some ideas for names. BOY names!

*-Rex Kramer's awards include (but are not limited to) the prestigious Homeowner's Association Most Prominent Flag Display, a 2nd-Place Trophy from his glorious Little League days, as well as his high school's recognition as "Most Likely to Love America."

A LETTER FROM A SECOND-HAND DESK

Scapegoat Kenneth Lay, CEO of the People, Speaks from the Heart

Ed. Note: We here at Spurious George know Ken Lay. Ken Lay is a friend of ours, and you hippies out there are no Ken Lay. For example, we’d probably never let any of you publish a full-length letter on this site (that is, if your marijuana-induced attention deficit disorder even allowed you to do so.) But Ken Lay? Hell, we even lent him one of our American-made computers (his was recently repossessed) so he could prove to you conspiracy theorists once and for all that he did a heckuva job for Enron, and by extension, America.

Dear Spurious George Readers,

Before I begin, I want to thank from the bottom of my weakened and now-uninsured heart my good friend Rex Kramer for this opportunity to clear my good name. These last few years have been difficult for me and my family of 75 adopted third-world leprosy-afflicted children, but through it all Rex has stood by me…although, now that I think about it, never when there were cameras around. Also, every time we meet he gives me that awkward “are you wearing a wire?” hug while simultaneously holding onto his wallet. Still, you can’t buy friendship like that. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Moving on, I trust that by now most of you who, unlike my crooked accountant, read above the third-grade level have absorbed the fact-filled letter I authored and disseminated to my faithful friends, former employees, and stockholders. In it, I made clear that the government’s case against me is weaker than Hillary’s chances for taking the White House in 2008. Thus, I will not re-visit the issue of my undeniable innocence, but rather I wish to invite you into my down-sized world to see how a vengeful, oversized federal government can destroy any man, even one as great and patriotic as I.

Let me paint a picture for you (I have to paint it myself, as I can no longer afford to keep a team of artists on staff.) I write to you today from a cigarette-scarred second-hand desk/nightstand, teetering on the lime-green carpet of an airport Motel 6. The pen I’m using is disposable, as is the cup from which I sip my instant coffee and the utensils I use to cut up my morning meal of government cheese and Twinkies. The pillow on which I rest my head on at night is synthetic, my pyjamas are not fire-retardant, and if you were to turn off the lights and introduce a black light, I’m quite certain my bedsheets could be seen from orbit. Cockroaches, landing 727s and a hacking cough are my only companions. I have fallen so far, so fast, and had I not found Jesus recently, I might have considered my 2nd Amendment right and, well, some things are better left unsaid.

I mention my current condition not to solicit pity (although if you do feel a pang, I urge you to donate generously to my defense fund,) but rather to highlight the fact that no one has suffered as much as I as a result of this ridiculous and inflated “scandal.” The 28,000 geeks at Arthur Anderson who lost their jobs? Everyone knows that accountants can work anywhere, but try finding a high-powered CEO gig on Monster.com! The thousands who lost their pensions due to no criminal act on my part? Hey, lots of people work into their 80’s these days! Besides, the best these people could’ve hoped for was a depressing retirement cottage in the Poconos and maybe a second-hand RV. Me? My golden years were to be truly golden…literally (I had commissioned the construction of the world’s first mansion constructed entirely out of gold, with hot-and-cold running gold and even a bidet that pampered your ass in liquid platinum!)

The point is, you could point your finger at many institutions that contributed to Enron’s collapse, such as “greed” or “incompetence” or “lack of oversight” or “book-cooking” or “conspiracy” or “me,” but really, what would that accomplish? Would that get people their jobs back? Would that replenish folks’ pension plan? More importantly, would it make me rich again?

No, really, would it? ‘Cause I mean to tell you, I’d sure like that!

Destitutely Yours,

Kenneth “Kenny Boy” Lay

Today’s Cry for Help Brought to You By:

WELCOME TO JESUSTOWN, FLORIDA!

Pizza Prince Plans Perfect Place for Pious Patriots

(Naples, FL) Blue state secularism got you down? Tired of passing Democrat-infested strip clubs on your way to church? Are you worried that Junior has hacked your TV’s V-chip and is being corrupted by those hippies at PBS? Well pack your bags, separate yourself from those church-state separatists, and move the family down to sunny, God-fearing Ave Maria, Florida…a city more loved by Jesus than Bethlehem!

Florida’s newest city, the brainchild of Domino’s Pizza founder Thomas Monaghan, will be founded on strict Catholic dogma and the ideal that salvation will be delivered within 30 minutes of moving in…or it’s free! Ave Marians will be blissfully un-tempted by the sins of pornography, birth control or speaking directly to God, as these and other affronts to God will be banned within the city limits. Abortion will not only be illegal, but will become the nation’s first municipal code offense that carries the death penalty.

While Jesus-hating hippies are threatening to file frivolous lawsuits if God’s law is enforced in the new city, Florida’s Attorney General has assured the faithful that Ave Maria’s mission is not only holy and pure, it’s all-American! Charlie Crist, a man with no intention of pandering to the masses in search of higher office, quoted Catholic icon Ann Coulter in response to the hollow threats of civil liberties groupies, “Liberals hate God and the hate America. Besides, most of them are usually too stoned to vote.” Crist, a man so Jesus-loving that he has pledged to add an “h” to his last name if it pleases the church-going crowd, promised that if it is God’s will to someday make him governor, he will consider making Ave Maria’s charter the model for all of Florida.

Monaghan, an orphan raised by a pack of wild nuns, will build his new-world Eden around Ave Maria University, the nation’s first new Catholic college in four decades. The school recently announced it has formed along with Southern Methodist University, Liberty University, Brigham Young University, Orel Roberts University, and Bob Jones University (along with lesser faith-based schools) the Jesus-Espousing World Society of Scholastic Universities Competing in Knowledge, Brilliance And Lord-Loving Sports (JEWSSUCKBALLS) conference. The champion school in each sports will be determined to be “God’s chosen people,” while the losers will be justifiably smited. “Jesus hates losers,” logically stated Monaghan. “Losers like Papa John’s, Little Caesar’s, and the Democratic Party.”

Coming Attractions: Tomorrow, in keeping with a faith-based promise made to acknowledge Lose the Noose’s misguided “CorruptCo” campaign, Spurious George will publish an open letter from patriot Kenneth Lay. Also, at The Blue Republic, Rex Kramer will spotlight the business world’s contribution to our sport culture in “Baseball: America’s Corporate Pastime.” Good times!