REX KRAMER KIDNAPPED?
(Orlando) In a brief press conference, Spurious George senior editor Robert Bork today announced the words that no American wants to hear: Rex Kramer is missing.
Last seen in his office applying white liquid paper to the Constitution’s 22nd Amendment late into the evening, Rex failed to show up for work for the first time since the first Bush administration. Theories abound as to his current whereabouts; some believe he re-enlisted and is currently kicking rejectionist ass in Iraq, while others are certain he has rushed to the aid of Katherine Harris’ senatorial campaign. While it is possible he is standing guard on the Rio Grande against the Mexican horde, many are convinced (and rightly so) that God needed a patriotic angel, and summoned him to heaven to head up a divine think tank/lobbying firm.
In any event, the sole clue to his fate is a letter penned in red ink upon white paper and stuffed in a white envelope that was found on his desk among his many personal mementos donated by every Republican president since Ike. In it, Rex cryptically explains that he is taking a break for the purpose of “traveling the blogosphere, and bringing America-loving to the unwashed hippie masses.”
Law enforcement authorities and grammar geeks contend that “blogosphere” is not a real place or word, and that its’ inclusion in Kramer’s correspondence indicates that he is possibly being held against his will. While no ransom demands have been received, it is expected that the brutal hippies that lurk amongst us will demand legalized marijuana and an endless supply of Doritos.